HSMom2One Posted June 5, 2008 Share Posted June 5, 2008 Dear WTM Friends, Yesterday I was with my 9yo dd in a local one-stop shopping store. As we were looking at bathing suits I noticed a baby crying in the next department. Next thing I knew I was listening to an adult voice yelling "SHUUUUT UUUUUUUP!" and other harassing statements in an extremely loud and very cruel voice. It was the type of voice that I can imagine one doing while shaking a child, completely out of control. The sound and tone of it immediately caught my attention. I walk quickly to the end of our aisle, keeping my eye also on my own child, while wanting to see what was happening. I don't normally do this, but the yelling was very, very alarming and I was afraid for the safety of the child. Looking down the next aisle I found two women with three children between them in carts and one was dealing with a crying toddler. I stood and stared for a few minutes when they turned around and saw me. I continued to stare and then finally said, "I just want you to know that I just heard that." The lady I am certain did the yelling immediately got an attitude and yelled at me that she didn't care what I heard. I stared back for another minute and then went back to my child because it seemed that the toddler in the cart was all right. :glare: My blood was just boiling! I wanted to do something, but was not sure what else I could possibly do without risking the woman taking her anger out on her child again or getting violent in the store. All I could think of was that if she did this in public, what in the world does she do in private? Finally I realized that there was nothing more I could do. Maybe I caused her to think a little, who knows. But the main thing is that I made the decision that if I ever witness anything like that again in a public place I'm going straight to the security guard and let them know. The store management and security people should be informed and witnesses should not try to take the situation on by themselves. Has anyone else had this type of thing happen? What did you do, or what would you have done in my situation? Blessings, Lucinda Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Julpost Posted June 5, 2008 Share Posted June 5, 2008 Whenever I hear or see something like that, I just say a quick prayer for the child and the parent. I wouldn't have the nerve to alert security. Maybe I should. That's so sad. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
beansprouts Posted June 5, 2008 Share Posted June 5, 2008 I would assume the mother was exhausted and at the end of her rope. I would probably have approached with a sympathetic look or disarming smile, observed that she seemed to be having a rough time and asked if there was anything I could do to help. I would try to ease the situation (for the child's benefit at least) rather than cause the family further stress. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crissy Posted June 5, 2008 Share Posted June 5, 2008 I would assume the mother was exhausted and at the end of her rope. I would probably have approached with a sympathetic look or disarming smile, observed that she seemed to be having a rough time and asked if there was anything I could do to help. I would try to ease the situation (for the child's benefit at least) rather than cause the family further stress. I think that is a wise approach, beansprouts. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lynn Posted June 5, 2008 Share Posted June 5, 2008 I would assume the mother was exhausted and at the end of her rope. I would probably have approached with a sympathetic look or disarming smile, observed that she seemed to be having a rough time and asked if there was anything I could do to help. I would try to ease the situation (for the child's benefit at least) rather than cause the family further stress. :iagree: Moms get tired and sometimes respond sharply without meaning to. You may have caught one of those moments that needed sympathy and compassion. But at the same time I've seen some parenting that disturbs me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robin in Tx Posted June 5, 2008 Share Posted June 5, 2008 I would try to ease the situation (for the child's benefit at least) rather than cause the family further stress. How would you do that, really? I mean... if I was loosing my cool in public, if someone approached me AT ALL, no matter how kind or well intentioned, it would cause me further stress because of embarrassment. I really don't see how you could do anything to help except look the other way and leave her be. It sounds like if you would have approached this particular woman and told her you noticed she was having a hard time and offered to help her, she would have yelled at you to mind your own business. Some people are just like that - yelling and screaming in public at their kids, even their spouses. I think it's best to ignore them, to be honest. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
beansprouts Posted June 5, 2008 Share Posted June 5, 2008 How would you do that, really? I mean... if I was loosing my cool in public, if someone approached me AT ALL, no matter how kind or well intentioned, it would cause me further stress because of embarrassment. I really don't see how you could do anything to help except look the other way and leave her be. It sounds like if you would have approached this particular woman and told her you noticed she was having a hard time and offered to help her, she would have yelled at you to mind your own business. Some people are just like that - yelling and screaming in public at their kids, even their spouses. I think it's best to ignore them, to be honest. Well that is hard to evaluate without being there. I should have said I would look for an opportunity to approach them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tammy Posted June 5, 2008 Share Posted June 5, 2008 I agree.....it seems lately more posts are popping up about this very thing...and frankly....I can't believe people are walking up to them...and confronting them. It seems totally wrong to me and none of their business! And so what.....the mom is yelling at her kid....like Robin said....plenty of moms do that. I don't think it is a good thing to do....and I don't do it, but I could never imagine confronting someone, especially how short tempered people seem to be these days. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GSMP Posted June 5, 2008 Share Posted June 5, 2008 I had an experience like that at one of our local grocery stores....I witnessed a mother back hand a 3 year old so hard the child fell to the floor and literally slid backwards from the register to the aisle. The child was screaming. I walked over as the mother swung her hand back to hit the little girl again and I grabbed her arm mid air. We stood there staring at each other and then she started in on me. The clerk who witnessed the whole thing had called for the manager. By this point the lady was having a hysterical attack of screaming memeies all aimed at me. She informed me that I had no right to interfere.....I just looked at her and calmly said that normally I might not have interfered, but I had suffered from multiple concussions as a child from getting hit like that and couldn't handle seeing her do that to her child. Thanks to the knocks I had suffered it had left some residual damage and was one of the main causes of my headaches as an adult. I stayed calm and offered to help but she yelled even more....at this time the manager came over and the police had been called to the store. The whole thing was caught on tape. There really isn't much one can do when some one is verbally assaulting a child unless you are the kind of person who can present themselves as being empathetic; but I won't stand and see someone physically assault a child. I have seen that type of situation before....I have just smiled like I was feeling their pain and make some lame comment that maybe someone missed out on a nap....saying poor thing (referring to the child)....most of the time that has been able to defray a tense situation. It's difficult to school ones features so as not to present as judging....believe me I know....when the person who is doing the verbal abuse sees compassion, empathy and understanding they are usually more likely to respond in a calmer voice and you are able to sooth over the situation. It annoys me when I hear this......but knowing that but for the grace of God.....I can understand your anger and helpless feelings over that situation......you never know....you may run into her again. Maybe another door will open for you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TXMomof4 Posted June 5, 2008 Share Posted June 5, 2008 When my oldest was 6 weeks old, I went to JCPennys to have her first photos taken. There was a family ahead of us with 2 children, a boy about 8 and a girl maybe 4. The little girl was being a turkey, not wanting to cooperate, not smiling, making goofy faces. The mother went beserk on her. At one point she had the little girl on the floor, knees holding her arms down and holding her face in her hands yelling at her. She never actually hit her, but I was absolutely horrified. The girl working the studio managed to snap a few pictures, get them out of there and promptly called CPS. Luckily she had their name and contact information from their booking. I don't know what happened after that. I felt like I was paralyzed watching that. I was still in that new baby haze and really have never witnessed anything so sickening in my life. All that to say, NOW I would definately have stepped in in that situation. There is never an excuse to treat a child that way. If security couldn't take care of it, I would not be beyond calling the police and asking for a welfare check since there was contact information available. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robin in Tx Posted June 5, 2008 Share Posted June 5, 2008 I would have intervened in a physical assault situation like that, too. Robin Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robin in Tx Posted June 5, 2008 Share Posted June 5, 2008 Well that is hard to evaluate without being there. I should have said I would look for an opportunity to approach them. Well, yeah... if an opportunity presented itself. I wouldn't try to create one, though (I was just going on the op's description of the situation - how she wasn't anywhere near and had to walk a distance to peep around the aisle to see what was going on). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robin in Tx Posted June 5, 2008 Share Posted June 5, 2008 I agree.....it seems lately more posts are popping up about this very thing...and frankly....I can't believe people are walking up to them...and confronting them. It seems totally wrong to me and none of their business! And so what.....the mom is yelling at her kid....like Robin said....plenty of moms do that. I don't think it is a good thing to do....and I don't do it, but I could never imagine confronting someone, especially how short tempered people seem to be these days. Yeah... you know, these days you worry if the other person will pull out a gun or something! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HSMom2One Posted June 5, 2008 Author Share Posted June 5, 2008 Friends, This was not just an exhausted mother and she wasn't just yelling. Please believe me. I never, I mean NEVER, go up to people and confront them in public. This was totally out of the ordinary for me. The yelling at the child was positively chilling and I was compelled for fear of the child to check it out. By the sound of what I heard, she was on the verge of (if not already) physically abusing the child. The rage the mother presented was definately verbal abuse to an innocent child who was very upset and crying. I was directly across from her with a divider seperating us and heard it all very clearly; the only reason I had to walk around to see the other side was because of the divider. The lady was very rough in appearance - her non-verbal language (manner, dress, etc.) very rebellious and edgy. I am really surprised that so many assumed I was over-reacting and that I should mind my own business. I know we have to be cautious, but we can't always hide and ignore abuse either. BTW, I talked to a clerk in the store and she told me that if it happened again to be sure and let management know. She was obviously trained in this type of thing and knew what procedure to take without hesitation. Blessings, Lucinda Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robin in Tx Posted June 5, 2008 Share Posted June 5, 2008 I am really surprised that so many of you assumed I was over-reacting and that I should mind my own business. Lucinda, my responses to Beansprouts were responses to her suggestion on how to approach someone like that. I don't think one ever should. It's not a minding your own business thing as much as it is simply not a good idea. It won't likely accomplish much and it could make matters worse. To answer your original question (sorry I never really responded to you, but only to one of the responses), I think going straight to management is the best solution. They know how to handle this sort of thing and they have the authority to do so. It's never happened to me before, but if it did I would try to find a manager or security guard. Unelss there was serious physical abuse going on right in front of my eyes... I said earlier that I would intervene but maybe not... I might go for the secruity guard if I'm afraid of the abuser. A friend of mine's sister was murdered last month by a man who was fighting with his wife and my friend's sister tried to intervene and diffuse the situation. Shot and killed right on the spot. I really don't think individuals should take domestic violence cases into their own hands ever. You never know how it's going to escalate. So, it's not that I think you need to mind your own business, I just don't think that it's a good idea to confront people like this. They are the ones who will get mad at you and accuse you of sticking your nose in their business, or worse. If it's someone simply being obnoxious or acting particularly stressed out for some reason, I would ignore them. If I was concerned for someone's safety, I'd go get someone in authority. Hope that's clearer! Robin Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenschooler Posted June 5, 2008 Share Posted June 5, 2008 "SHUUUUT UUUUUUUP!" I've seen this many, many times. Screaming 'Shut up' to their baby/toddler, and then *smack*. I even saw this once in a pediatrician's office. I glared at her, enough so that she felt compelled to tell me, "Well, he is really bad!!" The child was about 15-18 months old. I get my children as far away as possible. I don't want them seeing that. It goes on so often, I don't think there is anything that a bystander can do to help. I've given up. I will tell someone, though - either a security officer, or in the case of the pediatrician's office, the nurse. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HSMom2One Posted June 5, 2008 Author Share Posted June 5, 2008 I really appreciated your reply Robin, you really made some good points and I appreciate it. I do understand the dilemma of getting involved, as I have an ex-husband who was and a son who is presently in law enforcement. I really do understand that point. That is why I backed away and left her alone. On the other hand, I'm also on faculty at a local private school and have an obligation to the safety of children. If I'd been able to get her name the other day, I would have had to report to the authorities. I agree with you, gardenschooler. It is important to get the kids away from those situations. If my dd does happen to see or hear anything, I am always sure to comment to her privately about that type of behavior being wrong and cruel so she understands that it is not acceptable even though she just witnessed it. Real life is not like tv, these are not actors and we can't risk our own children becoming desensitized to violence. There is just so much abuse to children (and women too) that is going on around us behind closed doors and sometimes right out in the marketplace. I often think that the community needs to find ways to help make changes instead of turning away and minding our own business. I don't know what the answer is, but it should be a topic of discussion often and something we all start to care about more than we do. I don't mean to stand on a soapbox here, as I know I'm just as guilty as everyone else most of the time. Blessings, Lucinda Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HSMom2One Posted June 5, 2008 Author Share Posted June 5, 2008 nt Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
beansprouts Posted June 5, 2008 Share Posted June 5, 2008 Robin and LRB, I understand what you are both saying now. LRB :grouphug: I am sorry that you had to witness that. It must have been horrifying. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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