SJ. Posted October 3, 2011 Share Posted October 3, 2011 My BIL will be getting married next month to a wonderful woman with a 13yo dd. They planning on surprising the dd with adoption papers and the wedding will be a way to unite the family as one. We would like like to get our niece (she is already a part of the family) a special gift for the occasion. We were thinking of getting her this or something like it. We are just unsure of the engraving - hence the poll. Our ideas are (for the front): 1. United With Love 2. United In Love 3. United By Love On the back we plan to put the date of the wedding. Thanks for your input! SJ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Momling Posted October 3, 2011 Share Posted October 3, 2011 To me... "united with love" sounds like a third person is uniting them... with love. "united in love" sounds too much like the people are 'in love'. "united by love" sounds right to me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TechWife Posted October 3, 2011 Share Posted October 3, 2011 It's beautiful! I like United By Love. I couldn't figure out what is happening first - the adoption or the wedding? I would put the date of whichever occurs later on it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SJ. Posted October 3, 2011 Author Share Posted October 3, 2011 It's beautiful! I like United By Love. I couldn't figure out what is happening first - the adoption or the wedding? I would put the date of whichever occurs later on it. I'm not exactly sure either. I think they will be signing the papers the day of the wedding. SJ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cindergretta Posted October 3, 2011 Share Posted October 3, 2011 And this is a surprise this young lady will appreciate? That would be my only concern. What if she is rattled by being adopted without her input? (That said, seriously! None of my business!!!!!!) I like United By Love! :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SJ. Posted October 3, 2011 Author Share Posted October 3, 2011 And this is a surprise this young lady will appreciate? That would be my only concern. What if she is rattled by being adopted without her input? (That said, seriously! None of my business!!!!!!) I like United By Love! :D Yes it certainly is! A couple years ago she was "so happy she finally had a dad" and this sentiment hasn't changed. At first it was a little disconcerting to dh and I because we weren't sure if BIL's relationship was that serious but now that is definitely no longer a concern. SJ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brett_ashley Posted October 3, 2011 Share Posted October 3, 2011 Wow! a surprise adoption sounds like a risky idea. Even if the teen likes the idea in general, she may not like the surprise aspect. The necklace gift is a beautiful idea and I'm sure she'll love it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest submarines Posted October 3, 2011 Share Posted October 3, 2011 Wow! a surprise adoption sounds like a risky idea. Even if the teen likes the idea in general, she may not like the surprise aspect. The necklace gift is a beautiful idea and I'm sure she'll love it. I'd too be worried about the surprise part, unless she already knew about it, and the only surprise is the DATE of adoption. I love the necklace idea. I voted for "United by Love". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SJ. Posted October 3, 2011 Author Share Posted October 3, 2011 Wow! a surprise adoption sounds like a risky idea. Even if the teen likes the idea in general, she may not like the surprise aspect. The necklace gift is a beautiful idea and I'm sure she'll love it. I'd too be worried about the surprise part, unless she already knew about it, and the only surprise is the DATE of adoption. I love the necklace idea. I voted for "United by Love". I believe it has been discussed but the date was left ambiguous. Honestly I am not exactly sure of this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HS Mom in NC Posted October 3, 2011 Share Posted October 3, 2011 I would be careful to find out for sure if this child wants to be legally adopted. Loving a step-dad and wanting that step-dad to legally adopt you are two completely different things. This is nothing to make assumptions about. Be very very sure of this beforehand or you could have decades of resentment and bitterness to deal with. I say that as an adoptive parent and as an adult child with a very good relationship with my biological father who was a regular part of my life after my parents divorced and as the step-child who considers her step-dad just as much as her father as the biological father. I'm basically an adopted child with no papers and I would not have wanted a legal adoption. Do not assume the child wants to be legally adopted even if her biological father is a total deadbeat, an abusive jerk, absent her entire life, or completely unaware of her existence. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest submarines Posted October 3, 2011 Share Posted October 3, 2011 I believe it has been discussed but the date was left ambiguous. Honestly I am not exactly sure of this. The necklace is a wonderful gift, regardless. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barb_ Posted October 3, 2011 Share Posted October 3, 2011 :lurk5: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ondreeuh Posted October 3, 2011 Share Posted October 3, 2011 That's very sweet. I like United by Love too. I know you didn't ask, but I hope they are realistic about the timing of the adoption. Ours had to be signed by a family court judge and we had to go to the courthouse to do it. It also had to be done AFTER the wedding in order for it to be a step-parent adoption. My husband had to get fingerprinted and get a background check too. It took several months. I assume that the 13 year old doesn't have a father on the birth certificate or he is deceased? I would be very, very sure that the 13 year old understands what the adoption means and wants it before I "surprised" her with papers. That could feel like a lot of pressure. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SweetMissMagnolia Posted October 3, 2011 Share Posted October 3, 2011 I would maybe just put the date..... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dobela Posted October 3, 2011 Share Posted October 3, 2011 I would just give the gift for her now being an official member of the family thanks to the marriage. Talk to the parents first though. If her last name is changing with the adoption, then maybe something with her new initials would also be appropriate. But I agree with the others. Tread carefully and make certain that the parents are doing everything legally correct first. If they are not it could just get more complicated. And, even if she loves this person, there could be feelings of mourning on her part with what ifs. My cousin's current dh adopted her boys from another relationship. The oldest child was 11 at the time and while he loves M, he really struggles with all of it as well. Changing his name and having to explain that over and over was quite difficult as well. My cousin's younger child hasn't had issues with it, but then he didn't know his biological dad well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SJ. Posted October 3, 2011 Author Share Posted October 3, 2011 (edited) That's very sweet. I like United by Love too. I know you didn't ask, but I hope they are realistic about the timing of the adoption. Ours had to be signed by a family court judge and we had to go to the courthouse to do it. It also had to be done AFTER the wedding in order for it to be a step-parent adoption. My husband had to get fingerprinted and get a background check too. It took several months. I assume that the 13 year old doesn't have a father on the birth certificate or he is deceased? I would be very, very sure that the 13 year old understands what the adoption means and wants it before I "surprised" her with papers. That could feel like a lot of pressure. I did wonder how they would do this. It seems like it would be impossible to officially do the adoption papers the day of the wedding. Maybe they are going to sign paperwork to officially get the adoption process started, idk. I would just give the gift for her now being an official member of the family thanks to the marriage. Talk to the parents first though. If her last name is changing with the adoption, then maybe something with her new initials would also be appropriate. But I agree with the others. Tread carefully and make certain that the parents are doing everything legally correct first. If they are not it could just get more complicated. And, even if she loves this person, there could be feelings of mourning on her part with what ifs. My cousin's current dh adopted her boys from another relationship. The oldest child was 11 at the time and while he loves M, he really struggles with all of it as well. Changing his name and having to explain that over and over was quite difficult as well. My cousin's younger child hasn't had issues with it, but then he didn't know his biological dad well. Since beginning this post and reflecting on the responses I think you are right, it would be best to give her a gift commemorating the wedding and being part of a new family. I like the idea of initials too but perhaps something with initials would be more appropriate after she is officially adopted and her name changes. Edited October 3, 2011 by SJ. Formatting Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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