If you have had a teen come to live with you, could you please come in here a minute?

[AuntieM]

Sorry that sounds vague, but there wasn't enough room in the title line for a good explanation.

 

A coworker of mine has had her 16yo step daughter join her family. This was completely unexpected. The girl lived with her mom in another state (in another region). The mom decided suddenly to remarry and move to another location with her new husband, told the daughter she couldn't come along and sent her to live with her dad. This came as a complete surprise to the daughter. Pretty crummy, aye?

 

So, my friend has a 4yodd, and has little experience being around teens, let alone one who is her husband's daughter and recently rejected by the mom. My friend is in a tough situation, trying to make a happy, yet orderly place for them all to live together. She is a very good mom to her younger dd and feeling really just clueless about what to do with this new relationship. She very much wants to do the right thing, for *all* of the family members. She is seeking advice about a few things and I just feel very lacking in what to suggest to her. I was hoping that if any of you had experienced something similar, or perhaps had dealt with fostering teens, you might be able to recommend some books or websites to which I could direct my friend.

 

So.... when she first talked to me, knowing that I am a mom to teens, her dsd had just arrived. I encouraged her to just try to make her feel loved and welcomed, seeing that the poor girl was likely completely shell-shocked by the whirlwind circumstances. She did that, set up her space, got her enrolled in school. There are now two areas that my friend has specific questions about.

 

First, what sort of expectations should she have for this teen as a member of the family, what sort of order, routine, contribution to the running of the household, etc, would be beneficial to the dsd fitting in and feeling a part of things (in addition to actually *being* a contributing family member - if that makes sense - hope you understand what I mean).

 

Second, the poor girl apparently received little to no instruction from her mother on basic hygiene/self-care. She doesn't keep herself clean. My friend has started to teach her how to do her own laundry, but doesn't know the most tactful and effective way to broach the subject with her. She wants to be helpful to this girl, but doesn't want the girl to have just moved in only to be told she smells, etc. However, friend is concerned that her hygiene will affect her ability to build new friendships. I personally wonder if lack of self care here is a symptom of depression, but my friend seems to think it really is due to the fact that the mom just didn't teach her anything.

 

So.... I would tremendously appreciate anything you could share that I could pass along to my friend, who so sincerely wants to handle this all in the best possible way. Thank you so much!

[meggie]

I have no experience raising teens, but only remember what it was like as one. I think in a situation like this, it would be easy for the girl to try and test her boundaries and then blame the stepmother when those boundaries were enforced. I think the girl is old enough to have a conversation with your friend about what she thinks the rules ought to be. They need to work together to create a list and the consequences for breaking rules. That way all emotions are taken out of it. That way the girl can own her behavior. Once that's out of the way, the step mom should really make an effort to love on her and spend time with her and make her feel important. They should be doing lots of things as a family.

 

I side with you thinking her hygiene is probably more about depression. If the parents can afford it, the step mom and girl could go on mini shopping sprees looking for new clothes, makeup, perfume, getting pedicures. All that should encourage better personal hygiene-"go shower and we'll doll you all up". This was how my mom taught me how to use these tools, mini shopping sprees and practice. (not like I had a problem with showering) A lot of department stores will show you how to use the makeup and give makeovers. A good Mary Kay consultant ought to be able to teach these things, without an obligation to buy. A store like bath and body works has so many yummy smelling items: shower gels, body sprays, lotion, she could probably find something she likes there.

 

Things like laundry and cleaning up after yourself would come from house rules.

[emzhengjiu]

A friend adopted a teen last year. It has been a tough adjustment for everybody, including my friend's extended family. She recently mentioned to me that getting ongoing counseling as a family has been very helpful. At first without conscience thought, my friend expected the teen to do all the adjusting, but counseling has helped her see that everybody in the family has to readjust.

 

Ann

[emzhengjiu]

duplicate post

Edited September 13, 2011 by emzhengjiu

[seraphina]

I like the idea of a mini shopping spree. It doesn't have to be anything fancy, even just a trip to wal-mart and their fancy soap section. Hygiene could definitely be related to depression and it sounds like she has good reason to be depressed. To solve the hygiene issue she could just set shower time rules, I make my kids shower each day, yep even teens even need to be reminded.

 

As far as counseling, this is really important. I know our local hospital has a teen center where they have pediatricians and counselors specifically for teens. She could call her pediatrician and ask for some recommendations.

 

Good luck to your co-worker, love goes a long way.

[ktgrok]

Toiletry stock up time? Take her with her to the store, and say something like, "hey, i've got to stock up on some personal items, and figured I could get you stocked up too. Pick out which deodarant you like best, whichever you like, and then we will pick out shampoo and soap!" If you let her pick out yummy smelling stuff she may be more likely to use it.

[Bang!Zoom!]

I think with all the things I have experienced with this situation, both first-hand and as a close observer is that her healthcare has been neglected or sporadic.

 

I would encourage her to set up an appt. with a really good doctor and go over her history with a fine tooth comb.

 

If she is suffering from body odor and such, that could be diet related or just plain basic hygiene issues. A young girls system at that age is a pretty wild rodeo of chemicals.

 

I would think that a counselor is also a wise step.

 

If there is a church they are currently involved in, I'd look for some support and introductions to new friends there also.

 

I'd think an attorney visit is also something to think about just for the legal aspects coming such as taxes and changes of custody etc.

 

Those are the first four that come to mind. Doctors, Counselors, Churches, and an Attorney.

 

At some point, the wider family gets involved also, some sort of party or welcoming day where everyone can visit together and give her a sense of family and community and roots.

 

The communication with a new school is going to be huge.

 

It's exhausting just to think about..whew! I'd think everyone needs to adjust before the rules come, but I agree clear accountability and responsibility are important.

[SKL]

I agree with:

 

1) Setting a shower time rule. "Everyone takes their daily shower between 7am and 8am (or whatever works)." It's nothing personal, everyone in the house (or everyone old enough to need deodorant) does it.

 

2) Going to the store together, just you two, and spending some time in the personal products aisle. Give her the opportunity to weigh in on which deodorant, shampoo, etc., but not on whether she needs it! Let her know how you have decided on your own products. Make sure she has her own nail clippers and other small personal items, and talk about how often to use them.

 

3) Getting her to the doctor, dentist, and if she has out-of-control hair, to get a manageable haircut. You could have a little advance conversation asking the doc/dentist/hairdresser to touch on hygiene in a non-judgmental way.

 

I'm not so sure about the "get you dolled up" idea. That depends on her preferences. Not everyone likes cosmetics. Also, it could be read as "you aren't good enough, you don't fit in, but maybe if you hid your ugliness, we could live with it." She's already probably feeling very down on herself. "I love/accept you just the way you are" (after a shower, LOL) would seem to be a safer message, in my opinion. There will be time later for the "dolling up" bonding sessions.

 

As for chores, I would first focus on her taking care of her own stuff. Keep room in order, do own laundry, clean up after self. And I'd tell her to give some thought to what would be reasonable household chores, and that you'll discuss with her after maybe 2 weeks. Keep in mind that it will take her some time to just get familiar with your house and get into a rhythm with caring for herself and dealing with school. After she's ready for chores that contribute to the family, I'd suggest two categories: those you do because you're a member of the family, and optional ones that she can get paid for if she gets everything else done first.

[Cheryl in NM]

From my own personal experience with this situation, almost verbatim to your friend's:

 

Do NOT under any circumstances join in with ANYone tearing down the mom. Be a shoulder for dsd. Lift her up, but never agree when dsd rips mom. Yes, mom should be shot, but that's not for smom to get involved in. I just kept telling my skids that their mom loves them and we can't know what all is going on in someone else's head, but that the teens need to take care of themselves and their business and I was there to help them.

 

Be careful about trying so hard to MAKE dsd FIT into THEIR lives. Have respect and allow a little room for dsd's way of doing things. This will change your friend's life forever. It will change her daughter's live forever and it will forever change every relationship in that household. How, is up to your friend. It can be good or bad and forcing the dsd to fit into their lives, which previously didn't include dsd is insulting to dsd. She has her own way of doing things as long they aren't dangerous or disrespectful let her have that. You never know what memories are behind a certain little insignificant to you act. Your friend does not realize yet that she will make these same concessions for her own child as her child grows and becomes more independent and individual.

 

As far as the hygeine matter, that is a little more difficult. I agree, take her shopping. Smell soaps and shampoos. "MMM, this one smells good, what do you think? Wouldn't it be nice if your hair smelled like this?" Take her to a real hairdresser, talk to the hairdresser before hand and briefly explain that dsd is new to the family and having some hygeine issues, could hairdresser please instruct dsd? Ask her what kind of deoderant she prefers. Smell them. This will involve some quality girl time. Make sure Dad comments when she's clean and smells nice. Ignore the bad odor when it occurs and stress the good when it occurs.

 

Don't let dsd hide away by herself. don't "invite" her to be a part, that makes her feel like an outsider. Instead of "would you like to xyz" say "hey, we are xyz, get your gear, let's go. Won't this be fun!" Just like she would her own daughter. Sometimes in our effort to include a dsd we actually emphasize that they are an outsider. This is really tricky and if your friend makes a mistake, she needs to acknowledge it and make it right ASAP.

 

HTH.

[Anne in CA]

It sounds to me like your friend already cares about her step daughter's feelings, and that is the most important first step.

 

I also agree that going shopping for the teens personal hygene products is a great idea. She will be much more likely to use them if she likes how they smell to her.

 

I have parented a step daughter whose mother moved away while my step daughter was at our house and didn't tell her for more than a month. :confused:

 

I don't know is there is a single good way to handle this because everyone is different, but being kind and caring is the best start. Also be prepared for when she starts to get angry and the mom isn't there to be angry at so she will lash out at the people close to her. This will probably happen and setting up counseling now, even if she doesn't go every week, would be smart so that you can be on top of it when she does get angry.

 

Also, routines are HUGE to a child who has been through a lot. The troubled child tests those routines and bounderies but they crave them and want them very much. They want order in their life. Not military order, but basic order.

 

I will give your friend a prayer.

 

Anne

[AngelBee]

I adopted a teen unexpectedly at age 17. Let me think. :)

[AuntieM]

Thanks so much for all your responses thus far!

 

I have read each but have to run out for the afternoon and will not be able to respond. Please keep adding to the thread! It is sooooo appreciated!

[MinivanMom]

First, what sort of expectations should she have for this teen as a member of the family, what sort of order, routine, contribution to the running of the household, etc, would be beneficial to the dsd fitting in and feeling a part of things (in addition to actually *being* a contributing family member - if that makes sense - hope you understand what I mean).

 

Second, the poor girl apparently received little to no instruction from her mother on basic hygiene/self-care. She doesn't keep herself clean. My friend has started to teach her how to do her own laundry, but doesn't know the most tactful and effective way to broach the subject with her. She wants to be helpful to this girl, but doesn't want the girl to have just moved in only to be told she smells, etc. However, friend is concerned that her hygiene will affect her ability to build new friendships. I personally wonder if lack of self care here is a symptom of depression, but my friend seems to think it really is due to the fact that the mom just didn't teach her anything.

 

I was a teen in this situation and my dh and I had to take in my teenage brother in an almost identical situation. I think that the advice you gave her is perfect. This child needs some serious unconditional love. She will also need patience and kindness and a huge "this is your home" welcome mat. She'll need permission to still love her mom (and not hear any trashing of her). She may also need to know it's okay to hop back into mom's household if mom and new-hubby have a change of heart and that's what dsd wants (while still be reassured that the door is open at dad's house). Mostly, she'll just need lots and lots of love and tolerance and patience.

 

For the first issue, I would not require any chores of her initially other than cleaning up her own messes. She has been through some serious trauma and I think that deserves a little bit of space and guest treatment. After some time, I would approach it with, "We love you and consider you a member of our family. How would you like to help out?" Give her some choice and control. It sounds like she's had very little of that lately.

 

For the second issue, I agree that she probably hasn't been taught any self-care. Narcissistic mothers tend to not care whether their children have access to luxuries like soap and deoderant (ask me how I know :glare:). It's the sort of thing that needs to be handled very delicately to keep it from sounding critical. Even well-meaning advice can cut deep. I think a girl's day trip to the spa or a special trip to the hairdresser/make-up counter/drugstore is the best way to handle it. You want to treat it like a special treat between grown-up ladies versus criticism from step-mom.