7 year old with bad, complaining attitude....Help? Consequences?

[ChristusG]

DD7 has a bad attitude. She complains about everything, always has a mad look on her face, and the world ends when things are not going her way. I need some consequences for her. She's not very fun to be around lately. She's always been like this but it seems to be getting worse.

 

A few examples....

 

This morning she wanted to lay beside me and snuggle before getting out of bed. Usually, I'd be all for it. But I'm pregnant and I felt really nauseous....like if I didn't get something to eat right away, I was going to be sick. I told her "Not right now Sweetie, Mommy feels sick. I have to get something to eat." And I patted her head and got up. She began whining. She got out of bed with a mad look on her face and glared at me as she walked out of the bedroom.

 

I was about to fix her hair this morning and I took her pajama shirt off beforehand as not to mess up her hair after I fixed it. She glared at me. (She was fine just before this). Then I was about to spritz her hair with some water to make it easier to comb since there were places sticking up. She got all in a tizzy about water getting on her back since I took her shirt off. Then I braided her hair on the side like she wanted. She stood up and complained that it wasn't in exactly the right spot.

 

Yesterday she asked me to tie a tiny toy basket onto a piece of string. I used a few centimeters too much string and she started complaining about how she couldn't use it and how I used too much string. And of course, she glared.

 

Yesterday she didn't know a word in a sentence and she pointed to it, asking me to read it for her. I thought she meant for me to read the whole sentence containing the word, so I did. She got an attitude and said "No! I didn't want you to read the whole sentence. I just wanted you to read the word. Now you messed me all up."

 

Then I was explaining a spelling lesson and she's adamant that she doesn't need things explained to her. She complained that I kept talking when she didn't need it explained.

 

Last night I said "DD7, time for bed, please go use the bathroom and get a drink of water." She goes into a tizzy yelling "Why is it always ME, ME, ME???? I have to do everything! DD4 doesn't have to do anything! She just gets to play all the time!" And she stomps off to the bathroom.

 

 

:nopity:

 

 

:svengo:

 

 

This goes on ALL DAY LONG. Every single little thing. It's exhausting, it's annoying, and it makes her not very pleasant to be around. When the attitude gets too bad or I've had enough, I send her to lie down for 10 - 15 minutes. If I did it every time she complained, she'd be in there for days at a time.

 

I'm at my wits end. Anyone know of any good consequences for a constant whiner and complainer with a bad attitude?

[LND1218]

When the attitude gets too bad or I've had enough, I send her to lie down for 10 - 15 minutes. If I did it every time she complained, she'd be in there for days at a time.

I always found it most effective with my one like that to get it from the get go instead of letting it go until waiting until it gets bad or I have had enough.

I stop it from the first glare or eye roll or sigh or ugh or whatever she throws at me. Otherwise, she is going to just keep doing it until I stop her. So for my sake and everyone around us, she gets a consequence for the first time.

 

Consequences are things that speak to her - missing social events and such. Whatever is appropriate for the offense. Each child is different so through trial and error I have found the things that are effective with her specially.

Edited September 1, 2011 by Steph

[sweetbasil]

When I see a bad attitude developing, I do a few things: 1) give them more work or physical activity (often both) 2) keep them close by so that I can catch it when it starts to happen and 3) make a deliberate effort to spend more one-on-one time relating to that child in his/her particular love language.

 

Also wanted to note that IME, the #1 way to help improve a child's attitude is by providing opportunities for him/her to serve others in a meaningful way.

 

You have to address the attitude *every* time and eventually she'll be able to catch it early, control it, and prevent it from happening. Right now she's in the habit of responding this way, so it will take time to develop a better response. But you can't let it go *sometimes* or it will just take longer to fix. Plus, inconsistency is confusing for children.

 

In my house, I would gently say, "DD, I would like you to please leave the room and come back in when you are ready to show a better attitude." When the child comes back in, I say, "Now let's try that again! How do you say what you want in a kind way?" And we practice the better way to express him/herself.

 

I want my children to learn to express themselves in ways that are healthy and more likely to get the kind of results they are seeking.

 

HTH somewhat!

[Alte Veste Academy]

My dd and I were falling into a similar pattern. I was astounded at how such a sweet, generally happy child could focus on the negative so much of the time. This child spent 5 days at Disney World and spent the last night crying for an hour about not getting a balloon. The last experience she had somehow trumped all the good parts and ruined the trip for her. What is that?! :confused::glare: It did no good to tell her how grateful she should be to be at Disney World or to try to be logical in any way. The only thing that worked to calm her down was to hear her, really take the time to listen to her frustration and sympathize. That did not mean giving in. That was what frustrated the most about her behavior; I never gave in! All the parenting experts will have you believe that if you don't give in, the pattern will change. Wouldn't that be like magic? :lol: If it were true, I would have perfect children.

 

Then, last year I read Strong-Willed Child or Dreamer? and it was like a light switch went on in my head. She is a dreamer (and so am I!). I found that looking at things from her perspective was very helpful for our relationship. We were falling into a negative pattern and I decided we needed to find our way to the positive.

 

Here is my post from yesterday on a similar thread that explains what I actually did.

 

Before this, I punished and isolated and did lots of heart-to-hearts. She went to her room for negativity. She was made to apologize sincerely. I did the role-play appropriate talking with her. I modeled the right behavior yadda, yadda, yadda. For my two boys, this works. For dd, no. That doesn't mean these things won't work for your dd but I just wanted to say it because, for some children (my dreamer dd especially), these things feel like you are punishing who they are, not their behavior.

 

My dd is like a new person now that I have begun focusing on the positive.

[Haiku]

I'm at my wits end. Anyone know of any good consequences for a constant whiner and complainer with a bad attitude?

 

Rephrase and ignore.

 

Rephrase her whiny response for her.

 

E.g., "You used too much string on that! I can't use it!"

 

Rephrase: "Thanks for doing that, Mom. I'll get the scissors and cut off the extra string."

 

E.g., "You took off my shirt and I'm getting water on my back!!!"

 

Rephrase: "Mom, I need to put a towel around my neck."

 

Ignore her nasty looks.

 

E.g., *glare*

 

Ignore.

 

E.g., *nasty look*

 

Ignore.

 

That has worked better for us than any amount of talking, explaining, punishing, noticing, pointing out, etc.

 

Tara

[Cera]

My girls are about the same age.

 

The complaining that the younger one never has to do anything around here happens a lot and when I actually sat down and thought about it recently my older daughter is kind of right. I generally default to asking her for help rather than her sister as she is older and will do it "right."

 

I have started making a conscious effort to ask the younger to do things that she is capable of or that don't matter as much so that the older feels the distribution of work is a bit more fair. I have also started rewarding the fact that she is older by allowing her to stay up for an extra hour one night a week and by paying each of the kids an allowance based on their age (.50 per year of age each week). All these things combined with pointing out when she is getting a benefit from being older (going to a movie with a friend, using the waterslide at the Y, etc) have really helped.

 

Finally, if the complaining starts I just step away until it ends. If she didn't like the way I tied the string I would untie it and let her do it herself or come find me to ask politely when she was ready to be pleasant.

[zenjenn]

Ok, someone is going to tell me I'm going to Hell for this...

 

But I have one that is a complainer. She's 6. This story was when she was still 5. By the way, she is also extraordinarily bright, possibly gifted. Not sure that makes a difference but...

 

After months and months of trying to reason, explain, why complaining/whining is unacceptable, lecturing her about the importance of gratitude, sending her into time-out when she started complaining, etc.

 

Well one day, after she was complaining and whining incessantly about the absolute injustice of having to straighten her room or some other innocuous task. I said something about how some kids don't even have toys or clothes to clean up. She complained in her whiney, indignant, self-righteous tone "YES they do! ALL kids have those things! MOST of them Have MORE than ME! It's not even FAIR!"

 

Well I just lost it.

 

I said "COME. HERE. NOW."

 

I led her into my office. I did a Google image search on "starving children in Calcutta". I showed her the absolute worst images I could find of stick-thin children holding starving near-naked baby siblings on the floors of their dirt huts, etc.

 

"LOOK. THIS is what life is like for some children in the world. They don't even have a home. Just a ONE-ROOM HUT with a dirt floor. They don't have food. Or toys. Or clothes. DO YOU SEE HOW LUCKY YOU ARE?! Do you SEE why I cannot STAND to hear you complain?!"

 

I think I ranted for a good solid minute like that.

 

After that, she stared silently at the photos for a few seconds, and then silently went off to go clean her room. :001_huh:

 

I won't claim that doing this utterly removed all her personality defects, but it did have a huge lasting affect on her. I never said another word about it. But just a few days ago (perhaps 6 months or more after this incident) after she started to complain and I snapped at her for complaining, she said,

 

"Remember that time you showed me the pictures of the starving children?"

 

"Yes."

 

"I really didn't like that."

 

"I didn't show them to you because I thought you'd like them. I showed them to you so you'd understand why it is important to be grateful. You understand that, right?"

 

"Yes."

Edited September 1, 2011 by zenjenn

[Haiku]

Ok, someone is going to tell me I'm going to Hell for this...

 

 

I don't use the "starving children in 3rd world countries" thing because my children WERE starving children in 3rd world countries. Literally. They were severely malnourished, and my oldest lived through times where the kids in the orphanage weren't fed for up to five days at a time.

 

BUT!

 

I think that what you did is fine. Entitled, privileged American kids sometimes need to be knocked down a peg. *I* certainly don't think you're going to hell for it.

 

Tara

[FriedClams]

When I see a bad attitude developing, I do a few things: 1) give them more work or physical activity (often both) 2) keep them close by so that I can catch it when it starts to happen and 3) make a deliberate effort to spend more one-on-one time relating to that child in his/her particular love language.

 

Also wanted to note that IME, the #1 way to help improve a child's attitude is by providing opportunities for him/her to serve others in a meaningful way.

 

You have to address the attitude *every* time and eventually she'll be able to catch it early, control it, and prevent it from happening. Right now she's in the habit of responding this way, so it will take time to develop a better response. But you can't let it go *sometimes* or it will just take longer to fix. Plus, inconsistency is confusing for children.

 

In my house, I would gently say, "DD, I would like you to please leave the room and come back in when you are ready to show a better attitude." When the child comes back in, I say, "Now let's try that again! How do you say what you want in a kind way?" And we practice the better way to express him/herself.

 

I want my children to learn to express themselves in ways that are healthy and more likely to get the kind of results they are seeking.

 

HTH somewhat!

 

I agree with a lot of this. I never "send them to their room." We stay nearby mom and sit (or stand quietly) until we can behave with a cheerful, kind tone.

 

We do-over bad behavior/comments like the PP said. (Or do-over, and over, and over...)

 

I discipline looks the same way I would any other disrespectful behavior. Same for tone or huffing or anything else. It's communicated by the child, on purpose, to show attitude.

 

I do remove privileges for bad attitudes. I don't export bad behavior so we'll miss play dates, sports, or whatever if it's no cheerfully corrected. The kids have know this forever so it's very effective.

 

I just can't live in a hostile, negative environment, so we take it seriously and work hard on being kind to one another.

 

ETA - For older kids, having to take a nap (you know, because they are so tired they are whining) or early bedtimes for being overtired and whining are also very effective.

Edited September 1, 2011 by Kayaking Mom

[Paintedlady]

Mine are a bit older but I make them pull weeds or some other chore they dislike if they won't stop.

 

Maybe an earlier bedtime, telling her that since she's being so unpleasant you're going to send her to bed 1 minute early for every complaint (or 5 mins. early), whichever you think she could handle.

[nono]

We call the glaring "The Look of Death." My kids think I invented it.

 

The first time my dd pulled it on me, I reflexively said, "Oh really? You think you can get me with The Look of Death?" And I gave it right back to her and then laughed. Whenever she wants to be mad at me (and in my case, trust me, she's justified), we have Look of Death contests. It's pretty fun. You might want to try it sometimes. We get our "mad" out and move on in a better frame of mind.

 

Zenjenn, my younger, especially, reacts well to parenting like you described. Sometimes, I think we forget that our kids haven't read all the parenting books and don't have the script that all the experts would like us to think are running in their heads. :)

[Jamauk]

My son is 8.5 and his whiny complaing attitude started right around age 7. I have discovered a few things ~ it started right around when he joined the swim team and I was able to drop him off at the pool and come pick him up a few hours later (per his request and I was completely comfortable with the coaches and life guards).

 

He was enjoying his new found independence, but it was also quite scary for him. He wanted (and needed) even more boundries at home to make sure I was still paying attention. Some of the rules I had let become lax were tightened again and he was happy.

 

My son also has a very strong mind's eye. He often gets a very clear picture in his head of how things are going to happen and if one little thing deviates from that picture, he loses it. We've had a lot of conversations about being flexible, about taking a few seconds to let the picture in your mind change to reflect reality, etc... He's getting better at that.

 

He also gets whiny & unpleasant lately when he's under or over stimulated. This week he had kayak camp for three days in the mornings and soccer practice also started up for the year in the evenings. He's been a dream! He's had something to focus on in the morning, with a little down time in the afternoon and then another activity to keep him active in the evenings. I will say, though, that after three days of this he just got worn down and is exhausted and now emotional. Thank goodness kayak camp is over! HA!

 

**my apologies if this post is rambling and full of typos, I haven't finished my first cup of coffee yet**:D

[twoxcell]

My ds(8) is my complainer. He earns extra chores or runs at the park for complaining when I ask him to do something.

[Jamauk]

Oh, I've also prescribed push ups to DS8 when he's particularly whiny or snotty.

At first he thought it was funny, but after the third (or so) time in a day he realizes mom means business.

 

Hey, he wants to join the military someday. Might as well get him used to pushups, right? :D