What do you think makes a good mother?

[Soror]

Do you think your a good mother?

 

What things do you think quantify that? Can you quantify it at all?

 

I was with friends a few months ago and we were going around and talking about what we admired about the other and it made me think, what do I want to be known for? More than anything else I do, if I was known as a good mother by my family and others, that would be enough.

 

I guess it depends on whatever you find the most challenging....

 

For me it is patience. That is the biggest one!

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

For me, it's putting the needs and best interest of your children before your own. I'm not saying to neglect your own needs, either. I think you need to take care of yourself to be a good mother. I'm talking about parents who have other priorities than the emotional and physical well being of their children.

[bdroberts1998]

I guess mine would be patience too. I have never had enough. When I first started homeschooling 3 years ago I was told I didn't have enough to do it. Here I am 3 years later still homeschooling. For me Patience was something that I had to learn. I still haven't mastered it yet. But I'm a long way from where I was.

[Pam Wilhelm]

The ability to put yourself in your children's shoes. It involves tons of patience which I am slowly learning. :lol: Not necessarily catering to the child, but taking the time to learn and appreciate what wonderfully distinct people they are. To have empathy for them.

[alpidarkomama]

For me, it's putting the needs and best interest of your children before your own. I'm not saying to neglect your own needs, either. I think you need to take care of yourself to be a good mother. I'm talking about parents who have other priorities than the emotional and physical well being of their children.

 

:iagree:

 

I wish children's wellbeing always fell at the top of the priority list. They need quantity time. :)

[SailorMom]

For me, it's putting the needs and best interest of your children before your own. I'm not saying to neglect your own needs, either. I think you need to take care of yourself to be a good mother. I'm talking about parents who have other priorities than the emotional and physical well being of their children.

 

:iagree:

I add patience, and obviously love.

 

I do think the most important thing is love. I think parents can make a lot of mistakes - even really bad ones - but if a child feels loved (really loved) then they can be ok.... (myself as an example.....)

[LibraryLover]

I don't like the term 'good mother'. lol I prefer Good Enough.

 

I think a sense of humor and a basic understanding of cognitive development can go along way in helping parents cope/not worry so much.

[elegantlion]

I listen and value my child's input.

 

I challenge myself to understand each stage of development, whether by reading, listening to other parents, or seeking experts input.

 

I don't lord my age, maturity, or authority over my child.

 

I laugh at his jokes. (Fortunately we have a similar sense of humor)

 

I allow him to be wrong or do something incorrectly. I keep my cool while I gently redirect his thinking, words, or actions. (This could encompass chores, relationships, friendships, etc.)

 

I will take time to teach him skills that will be important when he has moved out. (money management, cooking, cleaning, and, in our case, construction)

 

I allow him to have preferences in food, clothing, and his room decor.

 

As he gets older I allow him more privacy. I knock before entering his room and don't ask about the private conversations he has with my mom. (she is like a 2nd mother and she has full authority from us to be my son's confidante if he doesn't want to discuss something with us)

 

I strive in all of these, I fail some of the time, but again that's part of the example. We get up, dust ourselves off and start over.

[Soror]

thanks ladies for the thoughts- I do agree with love obviously being more important and of course not being selfish. I think when I focus on building that relationship the other falls together so much more easily and yet that is so obvious. It is sad that often we get so busy doing life that we aren't living life and paying attention to what is important.

 

elangantlion- Picking battles as well- that's a good one! Some things matter and some don't! I do want my daughter to have an "I dressed myself button" though!

[mytwomonkeys]

i think i mess up a lot, but i'm confident my kids feel loved and accepted. patience & gentleness are important, but my kids really feel valued when they feel heard & accepted. that doesn't mean i always understand them or agree with them, but i try to let their voice have value. my parents (which i adore) could translate their disappointment too often and it put a lot of pressure on me. i felt like i was striving a lot for approval, and i would second guess myself a lot, always wondering what they thought (even in decisions that weren't significant). it wasn't even on a conscious level necessarily. my dad focused more on compliance & if it was compliance, it was defiance. imho, there is much more to raising a child than attaining good behavior. so with my own children, i really try to let them have opportunities to try, fail, succeed, etc. and i love them unconditionally through it all. of course i still guide them, teach them, instruct them. but when they do fail and mess up, we use it as an opportunity to grow from, not dwell in.

[twoforjoy]

I think I'm a good-enough mother. I love my kids. I could be more patient and less selfish, for sure. But, I love them and I meet their needs and I put some effort into rearing them, and in the end I think they'll be just fine.

 

I was talking to a friend the other day, and she wants to write a book about what she's learned about being a parent since moving to Detroit, which she says she'll call You're Not Going to Eff Them Up Too Badly. Her point was that, living in a place where you see kids every day raised by parents who are abusive, neglectful, stressed out and overworked and in poverty, and otherwise raising their children in very-much-less-than-ideal circumstances, you realize that most of them STILL end up turning out okay. They still end up being decent, productive adults. And it kind of takes some of the pressure to do everything perfectly off.

 

I mostly agree. I do feel like, if you love your kids and give them a halfway-decent amount of attention, in all likelihood they are going to turn out just fine.

 

I still feel like there are so many areas where I could do better. But, overall, those are mainly things that would make my relationship with my children better right now, not things that their future is riding on, if that makes sense.

[Crimson Wife]

I don't believe there is one "right" way to be a good mom. Every family has different circumstances and what is best for one family is not necessarily going to be the best for another. I do agree that putting the well-being of the children ahead of one's own selfish desires is important. Making sure that the focus is on what's really important- not material goods, fancy job titles and/or lots of public recognition for one's labor, etc.

[Catherine]

-Always loving them, even when they do stupid, self-destructive stuff we disagree with.

 

-allowing dependency as long as the child wants it

 

-living in the moment, as much as possible

 

-listening to the unspoken stuff and acknowledging it

 

-clear boundaries

[Mom in High Heels]

Copious amounts of wine? :D

 

Seriously, I don't think it can be defined. It's different for every family, IMO. For me, it means making sure they know that I will love them no matter what, teaching them how to be good people, being there when they need me and having fun with them as much as possible.