How do you deal with this?

[TXMomof4]

I have a precious, sweet 8 yo dd that is making me go psycho. She is fairly easy going....a little bit of a drama queen, but no more so than most other girls I spend time with. However, I am having REAL issues getting her to do anything well. Every little thing I ask her to do only gets done halfway.

 

For example, I ask her to take her shoes to her room and put them away. She takes her shoes and dumps them in the floor of her room.

 

I asked her to put her dinner dishes in the sink and rinse them off. She puts them on the kitchen counter and doesn't rinse them off.

 

I asked her to put some clothes in her drawer. She shoves them in her desk drawer....it took the same effort to do that as it would have to put them in the correct drawer! And she KNOWS which drawer pants are supposed to go in!!!!

 

These are things we have worked together on teaching her how to do. I helped her make her bed at least 50 times before leaving it to her to do in the mornings. Now, IF her bed gets made without any prompting, it is just a jumble of covers thrown over the pillows...if the pillows get picked up off the floor.

 

THe issue here to me is bigger than if her bed is made well or not. It is disrespectful and rude and shows a lack of concern for doing her best (which may or may not be a trait that an8 yo should have). I'm also concerned that since she literally does NOTHING to the best of her abilities, all I ever do is ask her to finish what she started. I would love to be able to jump up and down and pat her on the back, but she chooses NOT to do what she needs to do and expects the same praise I give my 5 yo for making her own bed (and my 5 yo makes sure it is perfection every time).

 

Help me!!! I'm truly at my wits end!

[Joanne]

I'd give her "one chance to do it right" on any reasonable request (and all those you listed are reasonable). If she does not follow instructions accurately or do the job to an understandable standard of completion, she not only has to do it over, correctly, but gets additional chores.

 

And it sounds very common, age expected and "normal". As is your mother-exasperation!

[Tammyla]

:iagree: with Joanne, and I'd give very detailed instructions to take away any miscommunication;), sloppiness, laziness, half hearted effort etc.

 

I'd give her "one chance to do it right" on any reasonable request (and all those you listed are reasonable). If she does not follow instructions accurately or do the job to an understandable standard of completion, she not only has to do it over, correctly, but gets additional chores.

 

And it sounds very common, age expected and "normal". As is your mother-exasperation!

[Pamela H in Texas]

I agree with Joanne especially about her being perfectly normal as is your exasperation about the situation.

 

Another option would be that she gets to practice each thing each time she doesn't do it correctly the first time. Setting out 5 dishes just to pick them up and rinse them off or unmaking a bed 5 times to make it correctly 5 times would likely settle the matter. And it's more logical, I think (if you can't do it right the first time, maybe you forgot exactly how that was supposed to go).

 

One more thing. You have GOT to make a habit of checking immediately for awhile (and then it can go to less regularly once she is doing better). Every time she gets away with it (or gets a reaction from you rather than matter of fact handling), it encourages her more to make these mistakes. Consistency is key to training.

[Chris in VA]

You could try a checklist. Break down the tasks into little increments, and make a list for each chore. You could say something like, " I notice when you do your chores, you often don't finish them all the way. So I want you to use this list (start with one chore, maybe?) so that you can check to see if it's truly done the way I want it to be done. I am feeling very frustrated with you because you are not doing them the way I've taught you. But I don't want to tell you again how to do them, and I don't want to be upset. After you have (done the dishes, made your bed, etc) look at this list and make sure all of it is checked off. Then you will know you've done it correctly, and when I check, I'll be satisfied."

 

Then determine the consequence if it is not done according to the checklist. Perhaps if she cannot take the time to do things correctly, you will have to take something away so that she has more time to work next day. I would not assign more chores, because they will be done halfway, too.

[mooooom]

My dd was like this at that age. You would hand her something to put away, and she'd go around the corner, just out of sight and drop it off. Everytime I discovered this, I'd make her drop whatever she was doing to "redo". I don't know if that helped or it was just a stage. She is extremely helpful 4 years later and does things without being asked. WooHoo

 

For what it's worth, that stage was much easier to handle than the 12yo boy ditzy stage, where you send them down to the basement for a roll of paper towels and find them stumbling around the basement 20 minutes later without a clue as to what they are doing there. Ain't nuthin' to do about that.

[Rosie_0801]

Another option would be that she gets to practice each thing each time she doesn't do it correctly the first time. Setting out 5 dishes just to pick them up and rinse them off or unmaking a bed 5 times to make it correctly 5 times would likely settle the matter. And it's more logical, I think (if you can't do it right the first time, maybe you forgot exactly how that was supposed to go).

 

 

Yes, my mother was into this "practice" idea. If we didn't do the dishes properly, we *obviously* needed practice and had to do it every night for a month. A week is probably long enough for an 8 year old, if you want to try this. I think the idea is that you dump so many chores on top of the kid, they'll do it properly rather than risk the overload again. Anyway, it worked. Neither myself nor my siblings got caught with that trick more than twice.

Rosie

[Ohio12]

 

:iagree:

 

I have found that consistency and training are the keys with this kind of thing. Unforuntaly it involves a lot of parental involvment until they "get it."

[Donna T.]

Can I recommend a resource that may help? It is called Laying Down the Rails and it's available at http://www.simplycharlottemason.com. I have a son who just turned nine. I have noticed the same type of behaviors from him. A couple of months ago, I changed my overall approach to homeschooling and to his training. We had had a series of various meltdowns (both of us) in part due to bad habits. We had an especially bad day and I had a sudden realization. I realized that I had not given as much time and attention to training him in proper habits as I should have. I thought I had but really, I had not. I began to read what Charlotte Mason had to say about habit formation in children.

 

I'm telling you it is no exaggeration to say that I saw an immediate improvement in my son. I sat him down and told him that I was tired of bad days and I wanted to let him know that I had probably failed to help him as much as I should have. (I'm not saying that's what you have done with your daughter, but I recognized I had to some degree.) Together, we made a list of three habits that we wanted to see him cultivate in his life. Those were: personal cleanliness (brushing teeth and washing face without being reminded, dressing promptly after waking up, airing out clothes that can be reworn, everything else in the HAMPER, not the floor next to the hamper); making his own bed every morning without being reminded, and learning to give other people time to finish what they are saying without jumping into a conversation or interrupting. Those were the things that we decided we would cultivate.

 

Something about explaining to him that these were habits (not just that he was doing something wrong) that had to be practiced in order that they would become automatic just clicked with him. It is so strange because I had literally been working for years to teach him those things. But, when I told him that I had tried but had taken the wrong approach, he connected with that. Instead of saying, "You have got to do better." or "OK, let's go through this again." or whatever, I told him that I would not be reminding him constantly. I told him he was in charge of developing these habits and when he had done so, we would go to the next ones.

 

For the first few days, I did put each habit at the top of his assignment sheet for that day. Now, we are discussing them once a week. I note any improvement that I see and he just loves that I notice. I guess I'm just calmer about it and so he is too. He has done so well! He has done such a great job with this that we'll move on to his next set of habits in the next week or so. And, the good thing is, it's carrying over to other things. I have told him that I want him to really pay attention to his work, to do it at a fair clip, and not drag everything out so. When I told him that he said, "Oh, you mean that learning to focus is a habit?" I told him yes and he immediately began to try to focus on whatever task he has at hand more closely.

 

The sample of the book that I referenced above can be viewed at simplycharlottemason. I haven't read the book but I have heard it's a very good intro. to habit formation. I've been reading Charlotte Mason's own writings about habits and just applying her suggestions. It is really working! And, I haven't done anything much different other than explaining to him that habits have to be cultivated and he can do anything that he needs to do if he will commit himself to learning to do it properly. Something about that gentle challenge caused him to rise up and meet it.

 

Today, when his dad got home from work he literally met him at his car to see what help he needed in the garden before it gets dark! My husband couldn't believe it and he is said he is really noticing the difference.