Remember my cousin that left her family?

[cajunrose]

I thought you guys deserved an update...since you all helped me through the initial shock of the news of what happened.

 

Here is the initial message for a reminder:

http://www.welltrainedmind.com/forums/showthread.php?t=265711&highlight=cajunrose

 

Here's where we are now. She has official divorced her husband. She dropped his last name and went back to her maiden. I know it shouldn't, but it bothers me. It's like she is erasing ever having been married...which is fine b/c I have done it before also, however, there is a child involved here and there wasn't with my situation.

 

She has, indeed, started a relationship with her 'roommate'. She said that she was NOT involved with him before she left her husband, but it happened after she moved in with him. I have met him...not sure what to think of him. He has trouble looking me in the eyes.

 

She only see's her daughter once a month...keeps her for a night, then returns her first thing the next morning.

 

Now..I have talked quite a bit with her about what exactly happened with her husband....why she left.

 

He was EXTREMELY controlling with money...he kept her check in addition to his and he had to approve any and all purchases (I saw that with my own two eyes and promptly told her if he were my husband he would be shoving that up his you know what.) He wouldn't let her use her AC in her car (in the summer...in Houston) because it kills the gas mileage. :001_huh: I'm not exaggerating on that stuff...I saw it every time I visited.

 

However....because of the above 'management' of money, they were able to just about pay cash for a quarter million dollar home and 2 cars back to back. I don't know how I feel about that.

 

As far as the baby...she made it clear to him that she never wanted children. From the begining, she told him if they got married, they woudl be childless. He agreed to it. However a couple of years into their marriage, he started pushing her. Told her he would do all of the 'work' that went along with a baby..getting up at night with her, getting off of work at a decent time to handle her at night. Told her that a lot of moms felt that way...that they didn't want children but when they got pregnant, they fell in love wiht that baby. It would be love at first sight when she had the baby. He worked that angle for several years. She finally got herself talked into it and told herself the motherly instinct would come to her and she would be head over heals in love with the baby when she had her. So, she finally consented to getting pregnant.

 

Only we know what happened with that. She never bonded with her...and she really did want to. Her husband kept working later and later hours. Wouldn't get home until after Mary and Sally went to bed. Wouldn't take off of work when Mary got sick at daycare (you know the first year of daycare is nothing but fever and runny nose). Told Sally that she was the mom and she could do it. Even though Sally's job was just as demanding as Bob's....she had just as many deadlines as him. She was getting further and further behind because of having to take off of work constantly. For the record, she designs the cancer ward of the children's hospital. She LOVES her job...it's very rewarding for her. She has a very giving job. Not that it matters, but her job is important to her and to the children she helps. She said he flat out told her that she had to quit her job several times. She made it clear she was not going to do that any more than he would (They made about the same amount of money so that wasn't the issue). Anyway...she got a deeper resentment toward her husband and toward being a mother (not Mary specifically, but being a mother in general).

 

She really wants to get her masters in design. She started making the plans to do so, and her husband put his foot down and said that he would not allow her to get her masters. She had no 'need' for it (because he wanted her to quit her job.)

 

Anyway...I can see how she was pushed to the brink and just 'needed' to leave just to live.

 

The only problem I have is the fact that she left her daughter. I understand she didn't want children, but the fact is that she DID agree to it and while I know she hoped to feel differently toward motherhood, she still had her. She is walking away from her daughter. It hurts my heart.

 

It's my fear that she gets 4 years down the road...or 10 or whatever and realizes what she did....or maybe I want her to do that. I don't know. I just hope that she doesn't find her another man and gets pregnant again, and falls in love with that little family...the child and all. Could you imagine what Mary will feel like if that happens? *sigh*

 

I can still see Mary. I haven't yet. I live 5 hours away. I plan to go there in a month.

 

And yes, I do know that I only heard her part of the story. I believe her though....I saw a lot of that with my own two eyes and I know for a fact, I would not put up with him. I also know how she was raised...or not raised. She raised herself and her sister that was 3 years younger.

 

My heart hurts. I'm so torn. I did tell her that I will support her 100%. I will not leave her side. You don't have to agree with somebody's decisions to support them. I love her...I love her baby. She's as close to a sister to me as anybody can get.

 

If you made it this far, thank you for reading. :) I wish the news was better.

[Cheryl in NM]

:grouphug: to all of you involved!

[kalanamak]

Is her ex stepping up to be a good father, or is the child spending her life with day care all day and evening baby-sitters?

 

:grouphug:

 

Personally, I would try to contact the man and establish at least a non-hostile relationship, so that you can see the baby sometimes. I would send cards on all holidays to her, and presents for birthday and Christmas. When she is older, the cards would have letters in them, too.

 

I would send her pictures of her auntie and cousins, and anything else that will make her feel cherished from her mother's side of the family.

 

I knew a man once who didn't want children. After 15 years of marriage, the wife prevailed and they had one, which came down with a curable childhood cancer. The father stayed home, lost a year of sleep and was just glued to the child the whole time, this child he did not want. Once the child was given a clean bill of health he walked right out the same week. People lead quiet lives of desperation.

Edited July 3, 2011 by kalanamak

[Daisy]

I don't know. Honestly, I think I'd rather have the child live with her father than with a mother who doesn't want her and is living with a guy who can't look you in the eye. Just my take.

 

Sad situation all the way around.

[sbgrace]

What a mess. :grouphug:

 

How sad for the baby. I'd try to support the daddy and therefore the child as best you can.

 

FWIW, I'd put money on her having an affair (at least emotional) before she left and that certainly colors her perceptions and memories of her marriage and ex-husband. Clearly she has issues and I'm sorry for how hard this has to be for you too. :grouphug:

[cajunrose]

Is her ex stepping up to be a good father, or is the child spending her life with day care all day and evening baby-sitters?

 

:grouphug:

 

Personally, I would try to contact the man and establish at least a non-hostile relationship, so that you can see the baby sometimes. I would send cards on all holidays to her, and presents for birthday and Christmas. When she is older, the cards would have letters in them, too.

 

I would send her pictures of her auntie and cousins, and anything else that will make her feel cherished from her mother's side of the family.

 

I plan to do just that. I haven't contacted the ex yet...but I will. I am not going to go through my cousin to give her gifts either. I fully expect my cousin to turn her back on the baby altogether...sadly enough. I still want to be in her life though. The ex seems like he wants to keep contact with our side of the family. He brings the baby to my aunt's house, etc. He is still keeping in contact on his own with them.

 

As far as him as a good father, I believe he is..although I am not there. I do see pictures he takes of her and it's her at the park feeding the ducks, at bass pro with him looking at the fish, at the zoo....etc. HE is the one with her...not a sitter. He puts himself in the picture, you know, the dorky aim the camera at you and the other person and snap the picture. She IS in daycare during the day, but he has stepped up and gets off of work at a decent time and has the weekends off now (he didn't when my cousin was around).

[cajunrose]

I don't know. Honestly, I think I'd rather have the child live with her father than with a mother who doesn't want her and is living with a guy who can't look you in the eye. Just my take.

 

Sad situation all the way around.

 

 

I have discussed this with my husband...I think the baby is better off. I still love my cousin, but some people just aren't fit for motherhood.

[cajunrose]

What a mess. :grouphug:

 

How sad for the baby. I'd try to support the daddy and therefore the child as best you can.

 

FWIW, I'd put money on her having an affair (at least emotional) before she left and that certainly colors her perceptions and memories of her marriage and ex-husband. Clearly she has issues and I'm sorry for how hard this has to be for you too. :grouphug:

 

 

I tend to agree with you about her having an emotional affair. She told me she did like him before she moved in with him...that it was a crush that she didn't think was returned until it actually happened (after she moved in). I don't know if I believe that or not...however, I saw with my own two eyes how controlling her ex was..and I would NOT put up with that. She said it got worse after the baby came...I don't know. I didn't visit much before the baby.

[Aelwydd]

I don't know. Honestly, I think I'd rather have the child live with her father than with a mother who doesn't want her and is living with a guy who can't look you in the eye. Just my take.

 

Sad situation all the way around.

 

I agree. I feel bad for the child, but it angers me that because your cousin doesn't, and never did, subscribe to society's over-romanticized and idolized ideals of motherhood, that she will be demonized as this horribly, selfish person.

 

IMO, the selfish person is her ex, who pushed and coerced her into having a child, to fulfill his personal desires. And then, when she went through the indiginities and trials of pregnancy and childbirth, had the responsibility of child-rearing foisted off onto her. Most likely, having a child was just another way for him to tighten his hold and control over her.

 

Your cousin was open and honest about never wanting children from the get-go. She never pretended or acted differently; now, she's finally had enough, and has left her dh, and frankly, it serves him right to get "saddled" with the very child he tried to use to entrap her.

 

I do feel sorry for their daughter, but unless the ex is a bad father, or abusive to his dd, your cousin is doing nothing wrong by choosing to let him raise the child. For the time being, she probably needs some freedom and the chance to enjoy an adult relationship with someone who respects and cares for her (hopefully, her "roommate" is such a person).

 

Also, she may feel differently several months or years down the road. It's possible, she is only wanting a temporary break from motherhood, while she sorts out all her feelings.

 

I think it's better for the dd to be with her father, than with a mother who is confused, and possibly projecting feelings of resentment towards her.

 

JMO.

[Night Elf]

I don't know. Honestly, I think I'd rather have the child live with her father than with a mother who doesn't want her and is living with a guy who can't look you in the eye. Just my take.

 

Sad situation all the way around.

 

:iagree: I think it's hard for those of us mothers who feel like our world wouldn't be complete without our children to understand that not all women have that maternal instinct. It clearly sounds like this woman never wanted children and therefore they should never have had a child. It's not the child's fault and she deserves all the love in the world, but I really don't believe that every woman can be a mother and every man can be a father. It's just that tradition suggests that mothers are always the best caregivers to children, but that is absolutely not true.

[Liz CA]

If she can be believed - and you think you can - she had a lot to deal with.

I don't blame her for walking out even though I think she let things come to a head while she may have been better off seeking counseling early on when it became apparent that he was rather controlling.

The best would be if the child did see both parents and was not left thinking that her mother did not want her. Feeling unwanted by a parent is just so...ugly and crummy.

[simka2]

I agree. I feel bad for the child, but it angers me that because your cousin doesn't, and never did, subscribe to society's over-romanticized and idolized ideals of motherhood, that she will be demonized as this horribly, selfish person.

 

IMO, the selfish person is her ex, who pushed and coerced her into having a child, to fulfill his personal desires. And then, when she went through the indiginities and trials of pregnancy and childbirth, had the responsibility of child-rearing foisted off onto her. Most likely, having a child was just another way for him to tighten his hold and control over her.

 

Your cousin was open and honest about never wanting children from the get-go. She never pretended or acted differently; now, she's finally had enough, and has left her dh, and frankly, it serves him right to get "saddled" with the very child he tried to use to entrap her.

 

I do feel sorry for their daughter, but unless the ex is a bad father, or abusive to his dd, your cousin is doing nothing wrong by choosing to let him raise the child. For the time being, she probably needs some freedom and the chance to enjoy an adult relationship with someone who respects and cares for her (hopefully, her "roommate" is such a person).

 

Also, she may feel differently several months or years down the road. It's possible, she is only wanting a temporary break from motherhood, while she sorts out all her feelings.

 

I think it's better for the dd to be with her father, than with a mother who is confused, and possibly projecting feelings of resentment towards her.

 

JMO.

 

 

:iagree:Yup! She still has a responsibility to her daughter, but she should not be demonized. This man made his bed and now he lies in it. Poor kiddo. She doesn't deserve it, but it is. Hopefully, dad will be able to remarry someone who will love her dearly.

[sewingmama]

Judging from his behaviours the guy was a crazy control freak. It's possible that even if the mother did want custody that he would refuse to give it to her. Maybe the mother knows that and doesn't want to put her daughter through a horrible custody battle or maybe she is just so sick of it all that she doesn't want to be under his thumb at all so she gave up custody to avoid him.

 

If the girl is happy and the father is taking an interest in her then I think it is fine. My brother has full custody of his daughter -her mother has a lot of psychological problems and go's back and forth about wanting/not wanting her. She has a far more stable life with her Dad then she ever would with her Mum and he is been taking care of her since she was born and doing a great job. My niece seems very well adjusted - lovely kid with no issues.

 

I do hope the mother stays in contact with the girl though -it would be sad if she didn't.

[cajunrose]

Judging from his behaviours the guy was a crazy control freak. It's possible that even if the mother did want custody that he would refuse to give it to her. Maybe the mother knows that and doesn't want to put her daughter through a horrible custody battle or maybe she is just so sick of it all that she doesn't want to be under his thumb at all so she gave up custody to avoid him.

 

 

She told me that she didn't even try to get custody. I really think she is just done with the ready made 'happy life in a box' that she is expected to love. I think she tried to tell him that she didn't want a baby. She tried telling him that things needed to change after she had the baby and realized things aren't as they should have been. She told him for the whole year after the baby was born that she had enough of the way things were going and she told him she was going to walk. He didn't believe she was strong enough right up until she walked out the door with her bag. She walked away and told him she didn't want a thing from him or their life together (she meant material things..not the baby..although it seems that way too.)

 

I also think that she probably needs to get her ducks in a row mentally before she tries to be a mom again. I just hope she comes around at some point (soon). It's not looking that way though.