ciyates Posted June 19, 2011 Share Posted June 19, 2011 I have a friend named Linda (I feel comfortable using names because she would never stumble across this board :D). I love her to death and she has many great qualities. Like all of us she has flaws. She can be very negative at times and is easily annoyed by things that sometimes out of a person's control. Some of her pet peeves are rotten teeth, mucous coughs (she is a nurse) and she is very fussy about food. She has a 25 year friendship with someone else that I know named Diane. They have been growing apart over the last few years due to many reason but mainly because Linda went back to school and was unavailable to see Diane as often. They go to festivals with a celtic rock band and sell the merchandise for them. Linda recently went on a weekend and shared with Diane that she felt they had grown apart. Diane said many mean things to Linda, some false some truthfully. Linda is very hurt by all of this. I suggested that Linda give it a few weeks and then reach out to Diane again. They have been through a lot together and it is worth giving it another shot. Linda's main complaint is that she is who she is and doesn't want to have to monitor what she says to Diane in order to continue to be friends. I understand this. Linda just wants to be accepted for who she is. I get that and appreciate that. However there are times when I see people pull away from her because of how negative she is. It really isn't necessary to point out someones dental issues and then go on about them. Do we just accept people for how they are or do we point out what they are doing that stresses our friendship? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
snickelfritz Posted June 19, 2011 Share Posted June 19, 2011 It depends. Part of social interaction is give-and-take and knowing boundaries. How far the boundary goes, depends on both people. Learning when to filter. I will tell a friend they have broccoli in their teeth. I will not ask them if they've considered trying a tooth whitener. Some people might appreciate the suggestion, most won't. If I insist on doing things like that, I need to limit my friendships to people who appreciate it. The responsibility is on ME. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catherine Posted June 19, 2011 Share Posted June 19, 2011 I'm trying harder to be honest, rather than avoidant, with my closest friends. But I will confess to just leaving a friendship after several years of small insults and criticisms of my way of life an childrearing decisions. In that friend, I saw no potential for change. The acts that bothered me seemed to be a deeply ingrained part of her character. In the end, few friendships are worth a lot of work for me. I'm waaay to busy with my own life, homeschooling of course, my job, my immediate and extended family, to invest a lot of effort in a friendship that is too much work. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ma23peas Posted June 19, 2011 Share Posted June 19, 2011 As long as what words crossed between them was 80% truthful and not defensive attack mode..then let it sit with the caustic one...I am sure with a personality like that she has had a history of these apexes in life. At some time, she will begin (hopefully) to realize that she has a problem and it's not just everyone else. What Diane needs to realize that while we may expect people to be reasonable, want them to be compassionate/caring/understanding more of the time, the fact is some animals do not change their spots...so you scale back on your expectations. You either believe the friendship is worth the investment or not...that value is different for many people. I'm Pollyanna most the time, play the glad game, I'm 'glad' she's come into my life, I learn a lot about myself and hopefully both of us grow from this nurturing...not one person will be a perfect 'friend'...sometimes when things go awry in our personal lives (financial, emotional, stress) we take those uncertainties out on people we think could make an effort to change...or that 'last straw' takes hold and these things happen... As trite as it sounds, I'm a let go, let God kind of person...things always work out better that way for me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted June 19, 2011 Share Posted June 19, 2011 (edited) It depends. Part of social interaction is give-and-take and knowing boundaries. How far the boundary goes, depends on both people. Learning when to filter. I will tell a friend they have broccoli in their teeth. I will not ask them if they've considered trying a tooth whitener. Some people might appreciate the suggestion, most won't. If I insist on doing things like that, I need to limit my friendships to people who appreciate it. The responsibility is on ME. :iagree: I also think it's hypocritical to ask to be accepted as you are, when you talk about other people and don't accept them for who they are. I have a dental issue, I have discolored front tooth. Long story, short the tooth will have to be pulled and an implant installed. We don't have insurance or the money to have it fixed, I had an estimate done a few years ago. :svengo: Anyway if someone pointed it out I would think them rude, but brush it off with a comment. If they continued to express their displeasure with my dental issue I would avoid them in the future, unless they offered to write a check for its replacement. ;) Edited June 19, 2011 by elegantlion Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted June 19, 2011 Share Posted June 19, 2011 I also think it's hypocritical to ask to be accepted as you are, when you talk about other people and don't accept them for who they are. Being accepted for the way you are doesn't mean that you should not have any social filter at all. It also doesn't mean that you shouldn't have manners. I don't think you should be stilted with friends, but I do think that a good friend does try to be considerate of your feelings. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted June 19, 2011 Share Posted June 19, 2011 Being accepted for the way you are doesn't mean that you should not have any social filter at all. It also doesn't mean that you shouldn't have manners. I don't think you should be stilted with friends, but I do think that a good friend does try to be considerate of your feelings. Yup. I find those that scream the loudest about being accepted the way they are generally are the least likely to do the same for others. It seems to be more of a 'you need to change for me, the problem is with you!' mentality. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lovelaughs_times_three Posted June 19, 2011 Share Posted June 19, 2011 Being accepted for the way you are doesn't mean that you should not have any social filter at all. It also doesn't mean that you shouldn't have manners. I don't think you should be stilted with friends, but I do think that a good friend does try to be considerate of your feelings. :iagree: Yup. I find those that scream the loudest about being accepted the way they are generally are the least likely to do the same for others. It seems to be more of a 'you need to change for me, the problem is with you!' mentality. :iagree: I believe a good friendship needs honesty with a healthy sprinkle of gentleness, and consideration. Perhaps, as a good friend, when you feel the time is right, you can broach the subject of her behavior. It might be the most loving friend you can be, to be honest with her. Sometimes, when we don't speak up, it's because we care more about how uncomfortable conflict makes us, and not as much about how much someone's behavior is actually hurting themselves. I certainly know I have been there too many times. I truly hate conflict and prefer peace. But it sounds like your friend might need some gentle truth from a caring friend. I like this verse from Proverbs: "Wounds from a sincere friend are better than many kisses from an enemy." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ciyates Posted June 19, 2011 Author Share Posted June 19, 2011 Just to point out she would never saying something to the person that needed dental work or whatever. I do get tired of hearing it but have accepted that is just Linda and that is what she does. Just like I can be obsessive about being on time. I hate when I have plans and someone else makes me late. I try not to be too obnoxious about it but apparently I fail! :D I think I am going to give her a while to get over her hurt and then point out some of the things ya'll have said. Thanks for the words! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 Just to point out she would never saying something to the person that needed dental work or whatever. I do get tired of hearing it but have accepted that is just Linda and that is what she does. Just like I can be obsessive about being on time. I hate when I have plans and someone else makes me late. I try not to be too obnoxious about it but apparently I fail! :D I think I am going to give her a while to get over her hurt and then point out some of the things ya'll have said. Thanks for the words! So she talks about people behind their backs instead? :confused: Nice. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missiemick Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 I prefer when people try to be a little fake. Example: Your body stinks the way it is -- wear deodorant :001_smile: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
snickelfritz Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 So she talks about people behind their backs instead? Nice. I agree. This is worse. It always leaves me wondering how much they are talking about me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elise1mds Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 I am happy to accept people the way they are to a point. I always try to pinpoint any underlying problems on MY part before talking about any glaring external issues with the friend, but really, when getting together with them causes me more stress (before, during and after an event) than happiness, it's time to let go. I've only had to do this a few times, but in the end, I've always come out happier and with better, closer friends than before. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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