Aging parents - How do you handle the aging of your parents

[Robin M]

We just got back from AZ visiting my folks. They are both 80 and mom is recovering from her stroke. Dad has taken upon himself to do everything. Sort of a penance thing since mom did everything the past 40+ years -- housekeeping, cooking,etc. However, his idea of cooking is frozen foods and ordering from restaurants. He kind of got miffed at first, when I took over the kitchen to cook them some fresh meals. Mom loved it though.

 

He has everything planned for when they both pass away, but he hasn't anything in place if they are both incapacitated. He just didn't get my concern since he is more than healthy. I had to go with the hypothetical since he just didn't get it. What would happen if he broke his leg or something, while mom is in her current condition. What would they do? His response - they plan on relying on medicare for home health care. But beyond the physical hasn't thought about who would take care of finances, etc. He's never taken into account that his mind could be affected and what would have to happen financially. He's into stocks big time, loves to day trade, although he's sold most of his stocks since the downturn. He finally admitted he probably should talk to his lawyer and put something in place.

 

I can guarantee if most of the family ended up moving to be near them, they would find some excuse to move. Probably why they moved to the middle of the az desert. I certainly will never move there and other two sisters won't either. 3rd sister living there now is there temporarily and doesn't want to be a caregiver, nor is she comfortable having any what if conversations with them. My brother is three hours away in Pine, AZ but he lacks any financial common sense. So it falls to me - the logical one.

 

Dad says they don't want to be a burden to the family. In my mind, they wouldn't be a burden. After all, it would be our turn to take care of them. They value their independence though, so if did get them to move, would have to make do with a mother in law house type of thing. They initially moved there for mom's health and the access to Laughlin, because they love to play the slots. But it seems mom's been sick more there and the health care there isn't wonderful. But she says she'll never come back to California. Hard to face the mortality of your parents, much less have to discuss it with them. Just frustrating and I guess I needed to vent more than anything.

[tadah]

I don't have any wisdom for you, but wanted to mention a really good book related to the challenges of helping aging parents:

 

http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=a+bittersweet+season&x=0&y=0

 

My best wishes to you and your family.

[kchara]

:grouphug: I can imagine that would be so hard. Have you thought about looking at retirement communities? In some of them, they have the couple maintain as much as their independence as physically possible, while having medical staff on hand should something happen. In some of the better ones, they have their own apartments, condos, bungalows, whatever. My mom and I can NOT live under the same roof, but DH and I have decided we'll put forth every cent we can in getting her into a nice community.

[Impish]

Wolf's mom is in her 80s. We're dealing with this, but having her move in is not an option, despite her demands.

 

She's on the wait list for an extended care facility.

 

My parents are only in their 50s, so not an issue.

[Peela]

I am watching my mother with her 2 parents in their 90s now. Its a lot of work, even though one is in a nursing home getting top level care (Alzheimers) and the other is at home with his wife taking care. Its still a lot of work for her helping them with financial and practical stuff.

 

My parents are younger, my dad has cancer but his wife is taking care of him. My mum is 66- a ways to go yet. They have things in place, I know, to lessen the burden on my brother and I, but there might be a time when we need to make decisions.

Until then....theres not really anything I can do about it and I am fine with that.

 

I dont think you can necessarily plan it....take it as it comes.

[KristinaBreece]

DH & I are about to have my mom move with us. She's not older... I just mean that we can stand to live with her whenever & for whatever reasons may require it.

 

His parents, on the other hand, are fantastically insured, and DH is an only child. When that time comes for them (which it will, sooner for them than my folks-- they went to high school with my grandparents), we will be finding the best available nursing facilities & DH will be their full POA. (Read: I will handle their finances & he'll sign what I tell him to... and he'll make medical decisions.)

[4wildberrys]

It's very challenging, but can't be so bad when at least your parents WANT independence! My mother has taken it upon herself to try and make me as miserable as she is in her semi-disabled condition taking care of my dad who was disabled by multiple strokes during an aortic aneurysm surgery in 2004. :001_huh: Seriously. Her long, rambling negative and hopeless phone calls right in the middle of school have driven me to drink (literally) some days. As a Christian, I try my best to deal with her and her total misery with her aging and problems she deals with. But at times its really hard because she will complain about money and how much everything costs---yet both my parents have AWESOME pensions, IRAs and a couple of other monthly payments every month in the same large amount PLUS my dad was a Federal Employee for 40 years so they have awesome medical insurance----and yet my dh and I have our own business that has lost almost 50% in the last year, NO health insurance and are struggling mightily financially. So your question was how do you deal with aging parents and all the things, problems etc that go along with it...........I don't know because I'm not dealing well with it at all :confused:

[OrganicAnn]

I think it really helps if the parents will move near the child they want or is the best one to take care of them. Unfortunately, parents don't usually want to move. It also helps if they can move before they are too old to learn a new area, make new friends and are too frail to clear out and sell their current house. Often people wait too long until the current situation is impossible before making new arrangements.

 

Our goal for our parents is to keep them happy and independent for as long as possible. My mom is in a condo only 2 minutes from us. It is 100% handicap/wheelchair accessible (not that she needs that now or may never need it). She has one of those alert badges that if she falls or needs help it will call our house, my sister and my cell phone. We are close enough we can bring her food or run errands for her if she needs us to (flu, broken leg whatever). But she is also independent. We have a spare room, so if she needs to stay with us for some reason then she can.

 

I've seen some cases where because seniors were stubborn about making changes in where/how they lived, that it may have shorten their life. I think it is difficult to make these changes after a certain age. So sometimes the only move will be into a nursing home.

 

It was a relief when my mom moved. She was 2 hours away, but we wouldn't have been able to drop everything and go up there all the time. I can't imagine if she were across the country.

 

So my advise is to bring your parents close before they get too old.

[Mejane]

.

Edited May 15, 2011 by Mejane
tmpi

[Robin M]

I don't have any wisdom for you, but wanted to mention a really good book related to the challenges of helping aging parents:

 

http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=a+bittersweet+season&x=0&y=0

 

My best wishes to you and your family.

 

Thanks - will have to check it out

 

:grouphug: I can imagine that would be so hard. Have you thought about looking at retirement communities?

 

My dad's adamant about staying in their home. We hired a caregiver for my grandmother who lived with her 24/7. I pretty sure that's what they want to do rather than a family member.

 

I dont think you can necessarily plan it....take it as it comes.

 

True - so hard to plan for things like this. But nice to have ducks all lined up just in case.

[Robin M]

We're not in your boat yet, but soon will be. My mother in law turns 70 next year. She lives in Massachusetts. We live in Michigan. I anticipate that at some point she will have to come live with us. I hear you. :grouphug: It's such a tough call and such a hard discussion to have. My parents are both in their 60s and we haven't had "the talk" yet, but I think we should sometime soon. I don't know when the best time to do that would be...

 

Tough to say when to have the talk. I'm 51 right now so thinking 60's are still young, but my grandpa died of an aneurysm at 65 so hard to say. Guess everyone should have some sort of plan.

 

So my advise is to bring your parents close before they get too old.

 

Good advise - Just know they won't come back here but maybe they'll consider texas where my other sister is. Will have to work on them.

[kolamum]

Slow & Steady. Don't give up. Seriously.

 

My mil is 76 years old and was living out in the middle of no where. It wasn't great for her health and it was hard on anyone to get to her. We were the closest at 30-40 minutes away so a lot fell on us. My dh doesn't drive and obviously works which meant that a lot of it fell on me. I was getting very burned out.

 

After years of talking with her she finally made the jump and lives 5 minutes away. Yes, there are times when it'd be nice to live 40 minutes away again.. but honestly knowing that I can nip in and out more often is a true blessing. It's also opened the doors to being able to deal with some other concerning issues.

 

I think what scares me more then anything else is that my parents are 25 years younger then her and I'll have to go through it again with them. The emotional side of that is far harder then anything physical can ever be.