WWYD? Friends for siblings ...

[GypsieFamily]

My kids don't care if they play with boys or girls, kids their own age or different ages. Friends are great, no matter who. That means that any child who comes along has four friends for the price of one.

 

Tonight Susan wanted to go to her friend's house to play. Peter and Lucy were both really upset; Lucy cried so much that she fell asleep sobbing. I felt like the meanest mum in the world. They just wanted to go and play, too, and I wouldn't let them. I know this is a little girl that Susan gets along with particularly well. It was Susan and this other little girl who had organized the play date.

 

Did I do the right thing saying that Susan had the right to play at a friend's house, even if this meant that her brother and sister were miserable that they weren't allowed to go too?

 

As an only child, I'm never sure on the protocol of four friends for the price of one when it comes to siblings. Please help me work out how this 'should' work...

[Rosie_0801]

I expect you'll find that some say it's ok and others say it won't. I think everyone will agree that none of your children will be scarred forever because of it. ;)

 

:grouphug:

Rosie

[Snickerdoodle]

Did I do the right thing saying that Susan had the right to play at a friend's house, even if this meant that her brother and sister were miserable that they weren't allowed to go too?

 

Yes. It's ok for kids to feel disappointed. They are learning to handle all sorts of emotions that come up with learning they aren't the center of the universe and that the world does not revolve around making them happy. This is a good thing. You are doing well. :grouphug:

[IsabelC]

Well, you can't expect the other kid (and parents) to necessarily invite all your kids over to play. And you can't expect your daughter to miss out on playing with her friend just because her siblings weren't invited. I'd just explain the situation as gently as possible to the aggrieved sibling/s and perhaps suggest something fun they could do instead, and leave it at that. Even when brothers and sisters are very close and do a lot of things together, they have to learn that one can't have everything another has 100% of the time. Sorry your dd cried herself to sleep, but I don't think you did anything wrong, you weren't being mean about it, she was just really disappointed and needed to express her feelings.

Edited May 4, 2011 by Hotdrink

[linders]

She undoubtedly has lots of time with siblings both at home and at outside group activities, but the opportunity to develop friendships one-on-one with another girl is important, too.

 

IMHO, it is unrealistic to expect all play activities to include all genders/ages every time. I know some parents insist on this, but I believe it results in limiting opportunties for social development and probably results in a child being excluded some of the time (I personally don't want to invite the whole family every time my boys want to play with one friend). Look at it this way - would you like it if a girlfriend always brought her husband and children along when you wanted some adult girl time? I wouldn't. Group activities and one-on-one activities both have their place.

 

I only have two boys, just 2 years apart, and others often treat them as a single unit, but I have seen how this has limited their friendships. They have about 12 hours a day to build their own relationship (and get on each others nerves!) so I have worked very hard the past two years to make sure each has individual playdates, go to a friend's birthday party alone, etc. And of course, there are many times when friends are held in common so it is a group thing!

 

It might be good to encourage especially your older boy to begin developing his friendships more deeply, and allow DD8 to continue to do the same.

[NanceXToo]

Well, you can't expect the other kid (and parents) to necessarily invite all your kids over to play. And you can't expect your daughter to miss out on playing with her friend just because her siblings weren't invited. I'd just explain the situation as gently as possible to the aggrieved sibling/s and perhaps suggest something fun they could do instead, and leave it at that. Even when brothers and sisters are very close and do a lot of things together, they have to learn that one can't have everything another has 100% of the time. Sorry your dd cried herself to sleep, but I don't think you did anything wrong, you weren't being mean about it, she was just really disappointed and needed to express her feelings.

 

It's ok. Sometimes it is just a matter of consideration for the other family. They may not mind one child coming over, but wouldn't appreciate four. This happens with a friend up the street. I often allow the older boy to go there, but not the younger simply because the family have 3 very young children of their own. I don't want to make them feel taken advantage of or place more burden on them.

 

:iagree: with them.

[Impish]

Kids need time without sibs tagging along, imo.

[MamaT]

She undoubtedly has lots of time with siblings both at home and at outside group activities, but the opportunity to develop friendships one-on-one with another girl is important, too.

 

IMHO, it is unrealistic to expect all play activities to include all genders/ages every time. I know some parents insist on this, but I believe it results in limiting opportunties for social development and probably results in a child being excluded some of the time (I personally don't want to invite the whole family every time my boys want to play with one friend). Look at it this way - would you like it if a girlfriend always brought her husband and children along when you wanted some adult girl time? I wouldn't. Group activities and one-on-one activities both have their place.

 

 

 

:iagree: As the mother of six, I think this is great advice.

[Jen+4dc]

Well, you can't expect the other kid (and parents) to necessarily invite all your kids over to play. And you can't expect your daughter to miss out on playing with her friend just because her siblings weren't invited. I'd just explain the situation as gently as possible to the aggrieved sibling/s and perhaps suggest something fun they could do instead, and leave it at that. Even when brothers and sisters are very close and do a lot of things together, they have to learn that one can't have everything another has 100% of the time. Sorry your dd cried herself to sleep, but I don't think you did anything wrong, you weren't being mean about it, she was just really disappointed and needed to express her feelings.

:iagree:

It's ok. Sometimes it is just a matter of consideration for the other family. They may not mind one child coming over, but wouldn't appreciate four. This happens with a friend up the street. I often allow the older boy to go there, but not the younger simply because the family have 3 very young children of their own. I don't want to make them feel taken advantage of or place more burden on them.

:iagree: Well said. I know my dc are still learning this, it's not an easy lesson but it is an important one.

[lmrich]

I am so glad that someone posted this.

 

One of my dd's friends has a younger who almost always tags along. It is unfair. The younger sister is two years younger, but is much younger developmentally. It has affected my dd's relationship with her friend, and honestly she won't invite her friend over as much because she knows the younger sister will have to come too.

 

My two daughters are also two years apart. They have their own friends. They also all play together at times. Sometimes my oldest daughter's friends invite my youngest dd to come along too. My girls are so close, I like that they are finding their own identities.

[coffeegal]

IMHO, it is unrealistic to expect all play activities to include all genders/ages every time. I know some parents insist on this, but I believe it results in limiting opportunties for social development and probably results in a child being excluded some of the time (I personally don't want to invite the whole family every time my boys want to play with one friend). Look at it this way - would you like it if a girlfriend always brought her husband and children along when you wanted some adult girl time? I wouldn't. Group activities and one-on-one activities both have their place.

 

 

:iagree: I knew a family that insisted all activities be for the entire family. The teen could not do anything that the 2 yo was not able to join in. :001_huh: IMHO, not healthy for either.

 

A friend of my mom has 9 or 10 kids (now grown). The children often went to playdates by themselves. She also often invited other children over to her house. At her house the rule was that no child could be excluded. So if the 10 yo was invited to a friend's house off the 10 yo went by himself. If the 10 yo had a friend over and the 4yo wanted to join in, the 4 yo got to join in. Mom was always impressed how well the rule worked for her friend. :001_smile:

[GypsieFamily]

Thank you all for taking the time to reply. I felt like I was doing the right thing by Susan and that she needed it. I felt that was what was best for her, and she came home skipping and whistling happily.

 

I was just really upset about seeing the other two so upest about missing out. They are over it now, but because we are travelling these situations don't come up often so I rarely have to think about it.

 

I do agree with the few people who have said it that the other family wouldn't have been happy. One extra child of 8 is one thing, through in the 5 yo sister and 9 yo brother and it's completely different.