my sister thinks she's the mom

[klg]

i woke up this morning and discovered my sister had already gotten my 8 year old daughter on the phone and showed her how to login to an email account that she had set up for her. i'm not up to speed on these things. besides the face that it's overstepping her bounds--do i want this for her? if it's only my family sending her emails is it still dangerous? what should i do?

[j.griff]

I would get the login info from dd, and change the password after logging in to it. :D

They can get spammed with p*rn, it has happened to friends of ours. I would not want such a young child having an email account that was not monitored by myself.

[abbeyej]

As long as your child understands that she is never to give out her email address without your permission (and never ever to type it in on any website without your express knowledge and consent), it should be fine. (This depends a bit on the host. I wouldn't use some of the free email sites out there!) But as the parent, I would also want easy access to her email account, and I would want her to know that I can and will read her emails from time to time. Not sneaking, just understand that I'm there and will know what's going on just as I do in other areas of my child's life at this age.

 

My son has his own laptop (a hand-me-down) and his own email account. He knows that I must approve addresses for incoming and outgoing mail, and he knows that he must always ask me before using his computer or going online.

 

But he gets a great feeling of independence in having his own email account, and he loves to write to his grandparents and to one or two friends of his own age. He even knows how to upload photos he has taken and send them to his grandmothers.

[KAR120C]

i woke up this morning and discovered my sister had already gotten my 8 year old daughter on the phone and showed her how to login to an email account that she had set up for her. i'm not up to speed on these things. besides the face that it's overstepping her bounds--do i want this for her? if it's only my family sending her emails is it still dangerous? what should i do?

The way we handle email for our eight year old is that I have the password -- he doesn't. So when he wants to check his email he has to get me to log him in (and I do a quick read through of senders and subject lines before handing it over).

 

I personally don't think email is necessary for an eight year old, but I also don't think it's particularly dangerous if it's closely supervised. We don't hand out the address to just anyone, so all of his emails are either from DH, the grandparents, or his two best friends... and I delete spam before he sees it.

[In The Great White North]

8?!! I would have a cow!

 

Put a password on your computer and tell both sis and dd that dd can ONLY use it when you say so and it will be in 3 or 4 years. Tell dd not to answer the phone at all. Make it very clear.

 

Dd(11) did not "do" computers at all, til dd(13) went to Switzerland for the year. Now dd(11) gets to IM her AFTER I have signed her on. And emails NO ONE ELSE because I sit there and watch her. I don't expect to give her screen time when her sis gets back.

 

Once she knows how and can get on herself, you have no idea who she's talking to. The Internet requires more supervision than school, the library and sports teams all put together. You can't depend on Nanny programs.

 

Ds(16) has his own computer, emails, 3 websites and if I ask about them, you'd think I was trying to start World War III. Fortunately, he thinks facebook is a security risk. I know he is tech savvy but I don't have a warm fuzzy that he realizes ALL the ways he can get hurt/abused over the Internet. Teenagers think they're immune to all sorts of dangers - this is just another one.

 

This is a very slippery slope. You don't want to be pushed into it until YOU decide you're ready.

[RoughCollie]

When my kids were young, my sister (who has no children) did that. If anyone wanted to send my children emails, they could jolly well send them to my email address so I could see them first -- no exceptions.

 

The big reason was that I did not want to risk my kids receiving spam and opening the email messages.

[j.griff]

That's a bit over the top, IMO (to tell another person that their child will not be able to use the internet for 3 or 4 years). My dd has had an email addy since she was 8, she's now 13. I supervised her use when she was younger, but now she is very mature and responsible and doesn't need my supervision. She even uses Skype to talk to friends from other countries. It's nice that they are able to connect with people. My dd uses another message board, she knows what info is NOT okay to give to others. She gets "vibes" from people, and I feel much better knowing that she is internet savvy.

It's a social outlet for her, just as much as it is for me, at times.

[Tracey in TX]

I would've been annoyed, but primary communication is email in the 21st century. I don't write letters to family and don't encourage my kiddos to do so. However, they keep up with aunts and grandparents via email.

 

It was inconsiderate of sis to do this w/o consulting you, but may have been meant to be a sweet gesture.

[klg]

it's magic the way i can get answers to my deepest questions in seconds. thank you everyone! one more thing--my sister made the email to be her actual name. is that a bad idea? are we supposed to disguise our email addresses?

[j.griff]

lots of people recommend using "fake" names for kids, or not having a name at all in the addy itself.

My dd's first email account included her favorite animals, favorite activity, and a rememberable number.

HTH

[fshinkevich]

Hello,

 

I would -

 

1. Get Net Nanny, or a similar program, on the computer asap. You can fully control what she sees', what hours she can use the computer, etc.

 

2. Get the password and periodically check on it, make sure her address book only has family/friends (I also agree with no real names used).

 

3. Have a frank discussion with her about the dangers of internet use.

 

4. Have a talk with my sister about over stepping her boundaries.

 

Then have fun with it :) A great way to keep in touch with family that does not live close by and she is learning a new skill.

 

-Fawn

[WTMindy]

My kids (9&11) have emails. They are never really on the computer without me being around, so I'm not too worried about it. I have their passwords and I go in and make sure there is nothing in their spam files. THey know that I have full access to whatever they have.

[Carol in Cal.]

That is because I won't let her.

 

It is just too dangerous, IMO.

 

I tell her that her friends can email her at my addy, and she says, "But then I will have to tell them that you might read their emails!" to which I reply, "But even if you had your own email address you would have to tell them that."

 

I'm really not worried about her friends. I'm worried about toxic predators.

[Kate CA]

i woke up this morning and discovered my sister had already gotten my 8 year old daughter on the phone and showed her how to login to an email account that she had set up for her. i'm not up to speed on these things. besides the face that it's overstepping her bounds--do i want this for her? if it's only my family sending her emails is it still dangerous? what should i do?

 

The email address is only secondary to the fact that your sister so completely overstepped her place. I mean WOW! If you allow your dd to keep the email I think your sister has won. If *anyone* other than my husband or me set up anything like that for my children they would know immediately how well and truly furious I really was.

 

If you decide your dd must have her own email address then you set it up - or have your ISP set it up. My children are allowed to receive email, but it comes to my inbox. There has never been an issue.

[Danestress]

If you might want to let her keep the account, I would still email sister and let her know that you would appreciate if she would check with you before introducing new technology into your daughter's life. And then I would say that DH hasn't approved the email account and that you think both parents have to agree to something like that, so you will let her know what he says and say that you are actually still thinking about it yourself. In other words, leave her hanging a bit so that she can see what kind of thought goes into these decisions for parents.

 

If you don't want to let your daughter keep the account, I would use it to email DS, tell her that it was sweet of her to want to talk to DD but that she can email DD any time at *your* account, and that you and DH don't want DD on the computer much, so you have decided to delete the account. Then do it.

[klmama]

I think the "I need to discuss this with dh first, and I need to think about it, too" approach is a good one. Relatives need to get that message loud and clear - you are the parents and you get to make the decisions about what technology she uses.

 

If you do decide to let her have an email account, I certainly would make sure you are in charge of when she uses it and do any spam cleanup needed before she sees the screen. Also, I would change the address so that it is not her actual name. That just screams, "spam me!" I used to have an email address with my name, and I got all kinds of spam that included my first name in the subject line, as if it was from a friend. Most of it was of the yucky kind, too.