Would You Stop Having Kids If...

[missmoe]

I haven't read everyone's post so perhaps this has been said, but how about making a short term decision. Decide that for now (or two or three years or what ever you are comfortable with) you aren't having any more children. It doesn't have to be a permanent decision. Perhaps 5 years or 10 years down the road things will be different health wise, and you will be able and want another one.

 

I knew a lady that had MS; she ended up having 3 kids spaced about 20 years apart. She didn't make the decision to space the kids that far apart, but rather she had them as her health allowed it and it worked for her family.

[mommaduck]

A friend once told me, "when you're done, you know you're done" and she was right.

 

We used to be "quiverful". I had three hyperemesis pregnancies. I've had a stillborn/IUD at 19wks. I had two miscarriages this past year and then, when I was calling it quits, found out we were pregnant again. Just delivered Miss Meg (11th pregnancy, 8th baby). We are done! Completely and totally. I know what I can handle, I realise I have limitations, and my family NEEDS me to be healthy (and I had a time of it this pregnancy even though it wasn't hyperemesis this time...PUPPPS and weak immune system/chest infections). My uterus is weak. I just know we are done. Hubby also feels done. So in five weeks we will be breaking the plumbing. It doesn't matter what others say or don't say. It's between my husband, myself, God, and our priest (in our case, we choose to include our priest due to our issues of previously being in quiverful churches).

[jennynd]

6. You didn't really want more kids but are surrounded by friends with huge families. You also recently left a church where few people used contraception and those that did, generally kept quiet. It wasn't "politically correct" to prevent pregnancy and continuing to have babies, despite a mother's ailing health/poor finances/lack of time, was seen as normal.

 

I am sorry but this is not a reason to have more kids. IMO anyway...

[ElizaG]

I have similar health issues. It was worst after #2, for some reason. Coincidentally (or not), that's also supposed to be one of the toughest stages of parenthood emotionally -- at least, it was for me. A while back, I read an article online that described life with just preschoolers & under as "being in the tunnel." They said that most parents start to feel like they've come out into the light once the eldest two have reached age 4. That matches my experience, though to be honest my son was closer to 5 when he became (mostly) rational. :tongue_smilie:

 

Anyway, our beliefs on this are similar to Crimson Wife's, and we just took it one at a time. We're now up to four children, and still hanging in there.

 

For some reason, my health was better after having each of my girls, but worse after having each of my boys. Weaning didn't help, either (though some nutritional interventions did). Testosterone poisoning? Who knows.

[Aubrey]

But the question is WHY does the couple not want more kids. There needs to be a sufficiently serious enough reason to avoid pregnancy. Simply not wanting to sacrifice luxuries or not wanting to deal with feeling lousy during pregnancy or not wanting to deal with the hassles of an infant or whatever aren't serious enough reasons IMHO. The OP's health issues very well might be.

 

I think if someone wants to limit their family size--for any reason--that's fine. There are reasons that seem good, make sense, most would support. There are reasons that seem not so good, shallow, selfish--all. the. more. reason. to STOP. Children require selflessness, sacrifice. I say don't force sweet babies on people who don't want them.

 

Babies are blessings, not burdens. I'm obviously not "Quiverfull" but I do believe that when a couple marries, they commit themselves to being "open to life" and that it's morally wrong to limit family size without having a legitimately serious reason for doing so.

 

You know, I generally agree w/ this, BUT it was an idea that came to me on my own. Since I didn't know anyone else who thought or taught this until several years after I was married...well, in some ways it was too late to think this way. Dh & I did not have the financial counseling or foundation or whatever for that kind of family planning. I *wish* we had!

 

I guess my point is, that philosophy is good & fine, *if* it's introduced to people *before* they get married. It can be a complicated thing to hear later.

[Dobela]

1. You had HG (hyperemesis gravidarum) with both pregnancies, although you didn't have to be hospitalized. (The second time, I still had to worry about vomiting occasionally until 36 weeks.)

 

2. Your health got worse when each baby was about a year old, because your body gave out after all the sleep deprivation.

 

3. After four years of constant problems, you were diagnosed with chronic fatigue syndrome and statistically, had <50% chance of ever recovering.

 

4. Both of your young kids are very active and one is very extroverted and you are an introvert.

 

5. Your health might improve if you could ever get the toddler to wean so you could be properly treated. (The remaining suggested treatments aren't safe for breastfeeding or pregnancy.)

 

6. You didn't really want more kids but are surrounded by friends with huge families. You also recently left a church where few people used contraception and those that did, generally kept quiet. It wasn't "politically correct" to prevent pregnancy and continuing to have babies, despite a mother's ailing health/poor finances/lack of time, was seen as normal.

A homeschooling mom in our area was told that it was dangerous for her to be pregnant, more than once, and by more than 1 doctor. She was quiverful and believed God would protect her. She died in childbirth leaving behind 5 children and a disaster. The dh has struggled to care for the kids and work. He desperately wanted to continue homeschooling, but couldn't. Medical and funeral costs left him stuggling to meet basic needs. Her dh would tell you today that a healthy and alive mom is way more important than a dead mom who was having more babies to keep up with someone else's interpretation of the Bible.

[Aubrey]

Selfish? Seriously? What a burden to put on another person. A burden that God does not put on them anywhere that I can see in Scripture. Acknowledging that children are a gift of God does not mean that you have to pop more and more of them out.

 

Of course seeing children as a gift from God doesn't mean you have to "pop more & more of them out." What a crass way to put it, Jean! ;)

 

But I do think there *can* be a level of selfishness in some people's family planning. Would I *say* so? No, of course not--I think those people are probably wise to limit their family size in that case.

 

But I know a lady who found out she was expecting #3. She hadn't planned it (but wasn't using any bc, either). Having a 3rd would mean less vacation time for her family & other inconveniences. NOT starvation or destitution or anything like that. She planned to get an abortion. I'm pro-life, but I'm sympathetic to people who choose abortion, if that makes sense. There are a lot of difficult life circumstances, & I try to have grace for people's difficult choices. This sent me over the edge, though.

 

When we're following the Lord, there is a seflishness that can keep us from giving what He asks us to give, going where He asks us to go. That *can* apply to family size. I would never say so to an individual because WHO KNOWS what she's going through? But I think it's important to be open to life, be open to the Lord, & be aware that *sometimes* limiting family size can be selfish. It's an issue of the heart, between a couple & the Lord.

 

Please, please, please don't flame me. *ducking*

[Jean in Newcastle]

 

But I do think there *can* be a level of selfishness in some people's family planning. Would I *say* so? No, of course not--I think those people are probably wise to limit their family size in that case.

 

 

But see, there can be a level of selfishness either way. It can be selfish to not want to give yourself to the family that God gives you. It can be selfish to not even pray and seek God's will for family planning. It can be selfish to not care what your partner wants in this regard. It can also be selfish to put a philosophy of more and more children above anything else. And in that kind of scenario - where the philosophy is more important to the actual individuals involved, I stand by my crass way of putting it.

[Liz CA]

Sweetheart, I really don't think God wants us to jeopardize our own health in order to have more children and feel worse and worse.

You said you were happy with your two. Why do something that would potentially endanger your health to the point where you possibly could not take care of any of your kids?

Wean your baby when you see fit and then take care of your health so you can feel better and keep up with your kiddos. :001_smile:

[littleWMN]

I have 4 kids and 2 of them are biological. I had HG with both of my pregnancies, although the first one was mild and the second one was pretty severe. I had over 15 hospital stays for IV hydration, had a PICC line, ended up in preterm labor from the pressure on my cervix from throwing up, etc. Add in a blood clotting disorder with a risk of hemmoraghing (I did with my first, was carefully monitored with my 2nd) and a history of 5 miscarriages and we are done with pregnancy. My son is 13 months and I'm weaning him now b/c I'm on new medicines that help me with my fatigue that has gotten pretty severe (I've suffered from fatigue for ten years but it got markedly worse after both children were born). My DH had a vasectomy last summer. It was an extremely tough decision but we prayed about it and are comfortable with that. My DH really feared I would die with another pregnancy. I'm surrounded by quiverful families. I don't have a problem with their beliefs, in fact, I'd love to be one of those women that can carry a baby easily. That's a blessing in itself. But I don't want to be judged because of it. Bottom line, it's between my husband and I and God. I don't want to tell you what is right, but it's something I'd carefully pray about. I wouldn't take pressure from others into consideration. If they want more kids, they can have them. :D And trust me, I'm a huge proponent of "babies are blessings". And BTW... adoption is a beautiful thing too. We've done it twice. :)

 

PM me if you want to talk.

[littleWMN]

I'd love to hear about this. I am now eating better than ever as well as being gluten and dairy free, Would that mean I wouldn't suffer from HG if I were to be pregnant again?

 

I have experience with two full-term pregnancies. I had mild HG with the first one and severe HG with the second (many, many hospitalizations). I found out I have Celiac Disease b/t the first and second pregnancy and thought because I was gluten free I would not have HG again. I couldn't have been more wrong. Of course I don't regret it, I have my son!! But that's not something you can guarantee, IMO.

[littleWMN]

Dear Hoppy,

 

My heart breaks reading your post. I was in your shoes after the birth of our 4th. I had major health issues during my 3rd pregnancy, the worst moment being when I began vomitting blood, went to the ER, they couldn't "do" anything since I was pregnant, and for a couple of hours they couldn't find the baby heartbeat. I got thru it, gained only 14 pounds, had a 9 pound baby and continued to be sick. We struggled w/ the whole "quiverfull" thing as well. All of our "like-minded" Christian fellowship was with people that were so fully reformed/ Calvinist that doing anything to prevent pregnancy was somehow questioning or not trusting in God's sovereignty. Not "accepting" God's blessing of more children was akin to blasphemy. Was I not a "good Christian" if I stopped having babies? I loved my babies. I would have loved more babies but felt so incapable, exhausted, at times, scared. Was it that I didn't trust God enough? Was I just selfish? So I continued caring for baby #3 (along with dd 3 and ds 5), still sick, so sick my body started to shut down (I could not produce breast milk and my hormones began to change so my cycle was very bizarre). I had previously been told after baby #2 that I had fibromyalgia (I was in horrible pain & fatigue) but I got better w/ exercise and chiropractic treatment. After baby #3, I continued to waste away. I was finally diagnosed with severe food allergies and an eosinophilic disorder (this is where the body's own white blood cells attack the body's gastro tract). It turns out the inflammation in my stomach and small intestine was preventing me from absorbing nutrition. One week after my diagnosis, I found out I was pregnant with baby #4. I was terrified. One doctor suggested I terminate the pregnancy considering the risks. (that was horrible). I was closely monitored, but with my new information about my disease, I was able to control symptoms by avoiding foods I was allergic too, mainly wheat. Baby #4 was born healthy, almost 10 pounds a week early. In the hospital I was dubbed "the littlest mommy with the biggest baby". It took me about 3-4 years to fully regain health and proper body weight; baby #4 is about to turn 6 now and people who knew me way back then are just now saying I "look" healthy. I am sharing all this because I can relate to having an extreme health situation, but because of the pressure of a particular religious belief or movement, feel the pressure to conform to it even at risk of my own well-being. Like I said before, I loved babies and of course I wanted to trust God. What finally did it for me was looking down at my 4 kids, all 7 and under..and wondering who was going to take care of them when I was dead. I know that sounds extreme, but I did not know if my body could keep going in those conditions. I thought, hey, God gave me these 4 and he wants me to take care of them. How can I do that when I can barely stand up? How can I answer my 7 year old one more time w/ "mommy can't, she's too sick"? I didn't want to be a sick mommy anymore, and though I know we sometimes can't help that, I wanted to try to get healthy for myself and my children. After #4, DH had done what needed to be done to prevent more pregnancies. Honestly, I was emotional about it. I had spent most of my 20's having babies, and I wished I could be one of those moms that had lots of babies, loved it, and was great at it. But I wasn't that mom. That's okay. I'm not less of a mother, a person, or a Christian for that. I have 4 beautiful kids -and yes they are all blessings. I don't have to have 8 or more in order to believe they are blessings. And since I DO believe in God's sovereignty and His power to do anything - I know if HE wanted me to have another child, HE will make it happen, no matter what we do or don't do. I hope sharing this gives you some peace and helps you to know you're not alone. I also urge you to PRAY and let *God* (not man) lead you in this decision. My prayers and thoughts are with you ~:grouphug: Angie

 

:grouphug: It's heartbreaking to want more kids like this but to have to go through so much when you are pregnant that the family suffers.

[sarahv]

Having come from an area (and family) that was rich in the "quiverful" idea, I like to come at the situation with loads of sensitivity. There can be alot of regret mixed into the whole affair. Because of this, I think one needs to search the heart, and be at peace with the decision - but after the decision - don't look back.

 

I believe strongly that the Bible places an enormous amount of value on children, and my husband and I believe that with every child we have, it is both a blessing and a tremendous responsibility to individually train that child. I fear that individual children may get lost in the shuffle of a large family (I am one of 12, and have known plenty of lg families in my growing up years). I have also known some wonderful large families. There are two sides of every coin that must be considered.

 

However, given your situation, and your original question, I honestly would not have any more children, and would probably decide on a permanent method of birth control - and I would not look back. I would decide to rest in my decision before the Lord and enjoy my husband and the wonderful children that the Lord has given me.

 

But this is me. Not you. It is such a personal, private decision, that, honestly, no one has the right to even ask about.

 

I can see that the idea of not "wanting more children" is kind of a heated debate in this discussion, but really, how wonderful will the childhood of a little one be, with a mother and father who really didn't want the child in the first place? How horrible. I married and had children without thought of actually wanting them. And I regret that I was not as good of a mother then, because of this. It was such a wonderful feeling to finally, at my fourth pregnancy, realize that I wanted these children. My children have become precious to me, and my fertility has become precious to me because of this change in outlook.

 

I will pray that the Lord will give you and your husband peace in your decision and grant you the grace you need to walk the path that He has for you. It matters nothing what other people think about your family. You and your husband stand before God alone. I know of the pressure others can bring. It is judgemental and not a little unbiblical. As much as you can, reject that judgementalism with all your heart and soul and mind and rejoice in the wonder of the family God has given to you.

 

God bless you.

[Literary Mom]

A homeschooling mom in our area was told that it was dangerous for her to be pregnant, more than once, and by more than 1 doctor. She was quiverful and believed God would protect her. She died in childbirth leaving behind 5 children and a disaster. The dh has struggled to care for the kids and work. He desperately wanted to continue homeschooling, but couldn't. Medical and funeral costs left him stuggling to meet basic needs. Her dh would tell you today that a healthy and alive mom is way more important than a dead mom who was having more babies to keep up with someone else's interpretation of the Bible.

 

Thank you for sharing this. These stories need to be heard.

[sarahv]

Thank you for sharing this. These stories need to be heard.

 

 

:iagree::iagree:

[Aubrey]

But see, there can be a level of selfishness either way. It can be selfish to not want to give yourself to the family that God gives you. It can be selfish to not even pray and seek God's will for family planning. It can be selfish to not care what your partner wants in this regard. It can also be selfish to put a philosophy of more and more children above anything else. And in that kind of scenario - where the philosophy is more important to the actual individuals involved, I stand by my crass way of putting it.

 

I do see potential for selfishness either way; I almost said that earlier, but...figured that was splitting hairs, lol. Except for your last sentence, I agree w/ you. :001_smile:

[wy_kid_wrangler04]

I didn't read any replies nor did I read past point number 1. I had such severe Hyperemesis Gravidarum I was in the hospital more than not with ds now 6. When I was not in the hospital I would sleep on the bathroom floor because every second I was awake I was so incredibly nauseated. I would dry heave for hours (because there was literally nothing left) Sometimes I would hurry up and down some liquid just to have something to temporarily stop the heaves. I lost 35 lbs in pregnancy. It was horrible. Constant severe nausea and vomiting and hospitalizations until the day ds was born. I was not going to have another because I could not take it again (but I had a very severe case according to the drs-- they counted one day I vomited 31 times in a hour.. that was just 1 incident they told me about) I found out I was pregnant with ds now 5 when ds was 7 months old. I started crying because i knew what I went through with ds6. It was worse with my 2nd ds. (luckily these were babies 3 and 4) I had my tubes tied because the 2nd HG was so much worse (I lost almost 60 lbs that I didnt have to lose at the time) I now have holes in my esophagus because of all the stomach acid I vomited. I have chronic heart burn problems because of it. My body was in a state of starvation even with a feeding tube (because I would vomit that up :001_huh:) The doctor said my 2nd case was so much worse that a 3rd could be fatal to the baby. I almost lost ds now 5 2x due to severe HG. I had such severe cases I would caution anybody who had it once before. They say its rare for repeat episodes my mine was so bad I can not imagine going through it a 3rd time. :grouphug: to you