NanceXToo Posted April 8, 2011 Share Posted April 8, 2011 OK it's probably already been lightened judging by that 90 page thread, but, still, it's a funny joke, so read it anyway. :P --- A car was pulled over in Pennsylvania. The trooper walked up to the driver's side window and tapped it with his nightstick. When the driver opened the window, the trooper smacked him in the side of the head with the nightstick. "What was THAT for?" The driver demanded incredulously. "Son, you're in Pennsylvania," the trooper said. "Here, we expect you to have your license ready before we get to the car." "I'm sorry," the driver said. "I'm not from the area." The trooper checked the license and it was clean. He handed it back to the driver and let him off with a warning, but before letting him pull away, the trooper walked around to the passenger side and gestured for the passenger to open the window. When he did, the trooper smacked the passenger in the side of the head with his nightstick! "Wh...What are you doing?!" the passenger gasped. "Making your wish come true," the trooper replied. "What wish?!" the passenger exclaimed. The trooper rolled his eyes. "Give me a break. You and I both know that before you get a quarter mile down the road, you're going to say to your buddy here, 'I wish that a$$hole had tried that sh!t with ME!'" :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NanceXToo Posted April 8, 2011 Author Share Posted April 8, 2011 And a bonus joke, just for the heck of it: WHY MEN SHOULDN'T WRITE ADVICE COLUMNS Dear Peter: I hope you can help me. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV, as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbor making mad passionate love to her. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore. Can you please help? Sincerely, Mrs. Sheila Usk Dear Sheila: A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber. I hope this helps. Best regards, Peter Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OLG Posted April 8, 2011 Share Posted April 8, 2011 Thanks for the chuckle!:lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nicholas82 Posted April 8, 2011 Share Posted April 8, 2011 too funny :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Violet Crown Posted April 8, 2011 Share Posted April 8, 2011 Is this now a joke thread? Should we add some? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NanceXToo Posted April 8, 2011 Author Share Posted April 8, 2011 Feel free! :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
silliness7 Posted April 8, 2011 Share Posted April 8, 2011 (edited) My dh e-mailed this joke to me about a missing cat a few months ago. It's kind of long but I laughed so hard. Edited April 8, 2011 by silliness7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Violet Crown Posted April 8, 2011 Share Posted April 8, 2011 (edited) Dh came back from the APA with this one: An angel came down for a meeting of the American Philosophical Association. Greeting the assembled philosophers, the angel offered to answer a single question for them. Immediately the philosophers set to arguing about what they should ask. So the angel said, "All right, you figure out what you want to ask. I'll come back tomorrow." And he left the philosophers to deliberate. Some of the philosophers favored asking conjunctive questions, but others argued persuasively that the angel probably wouldn't count this as a single question. One philosopher wanted to ask "What is the best question to ask?", in the hope that some day another angel might make a similar offer, at which point they could then ask the best question. But this suggestion was rejected by those who feared that no such opportunity would arise and did not want to waste their only question. Finally, the philosophers agreed on the following question: "What is the ordered pair whose first member is the best question to ask, and whose second member is the answer to that question?" Satisfied with their decision, the philosophers awaited the angel's return the next day, whereupon they posed their question. And the angel replied: "It is the ordered pair whose first member is the question you just asked, and whose second member is the answer I am now giving." And then he disappeared. Edited April 8, 2011 by Sharon in Austin Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kchara Posted April 8, 2011 Share Posted April 8, 2011 :rofl::rofl::smilielol5::smilielol5: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cinder Posted April 8, 2011 Share Posted April 8, 2011 Thanks for the laughs. I don't have a joke to add, but sometimes get a kick out of what I've read here--(The Customer Is) Not Always Right. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BeachGirl Posted April 8, 2011 Share Posted April 8, 2011 My dh e-mailed this joke to me about a missing cat a few months ago. It's kind of long but I laughed so hard. Oh boy was that funny. I would hate to have to use that designer in real life.:lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrsBasil Posted April 8, 2011 Share Posted April 8, 2011 Thanks for the laughs. I don't have a joke to add, but sometimes get a kick out of what I've read here--(The Customer Is) Not Always Right. Thank you. I've been reading this site and cracking up! I loved this one. (A customer approaches with her 2 year old son in arms, and her 5 year old daughter. As she is about to order, a customer from a few minutes earlier storms in front of her. She is yelling and screaming incoherently, and throws her drink on the counter.) Daughter, to her mother: “Mummy, why is the lady yelling?†Mother: “Never mind it, she’s just being rude.†(The little girl scowls, and points at the customer.) Daughter: “You cut that out right now! You need to be more polite!†(Taking example from his sister, the toddler starts pointing and yelling.) Toddler: “BAD! BAD!†(The irate customer is embarrassed. She shuts up and storms out. The little girl gets a free hot chocolate.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amy loves Bud Posted April 8, 2011 Share Posted April 8, 2011 Thank you for the laughs, Nance! Here's one in the name of being inclusive: The Pope is hanging out at the Vatican when the phone rings, so he answers it and says, "Hello?" "Hello, Pope, this is God," boomed a voice from the other end of the line. "To what do I owe the honor of this phone call, Lord?" asked the Pope. "Well, I have some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?" "I suppose the good news," answered the Pope. "My child, I've decided that I am tired of all the division in my church, so I have decided to make a single, world-wide denomination for all of my followers." "That is fantastic news, Lord! I think this is a wonderful and wise decision! But, what is the bad news?" "I'm calling from Salt Lake City." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
caitlinsmom Posted April 8, 2011 Share Posted April 8, 2011 I startled my sleeping dh by laughing at these. :) That was even funnier than the jokes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ibbygirl Posted April 8, 2011 Share Posted April 8, 2011 And a bonus joke, just for the heck of it: WHY MEN SHOULDN'T WRITE ADVICE COLUMNS Dear Peter: I hope you can help me. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV, as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbor making mad passionate love to her. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore. Can you please help? Sincerely, Mrs. Sheila Usk Dear Sheila: A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber. I hope this helps. Best regards, Peter :smilielol5: :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
_melody_ Posted April 8, 2011 Share Posted April 8, 2011 My dh e-mailed this joke to me about a missing cat a few months ago. It's kind of long but I laughed so hard. These are all hilarious. I laughed so hard at the missing cat joke that I have tears in my eyes! :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ibbygirl Posted April 8, 2011 Share Posted April 8, 2011 My dh e-mailed this joke to me about a missing cat a few months ago. It's kind of long but I laughed so hard. Oh my gosh! That man David was HATEFUL!!! LOL I like the "it's a design thing. She's lost in negative space" part. Holy smokes. That was funny! hehehe Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ibbygirl Posted April 8, 2011 Share Posted April 8, 2011 Okay this one is for you, Nance. :) A rabbi is up on the stage during Shabbat services while the cantor is singing. The cantor is singing so beautifully about the majesty of God that the rabbi becomes very emotional. He is so deeply moved that he falls down flat on his face and and cries out "Oh Lord! Before you I am nothing!" He regains his composure and stands up again a little embarrassed by his emotional outburst. Mr. Wiseman in the congregation sees this all go down and then he himself falls down in the aisle on his face and says, "Oh Lord before you I am nothing!" The rabbi nudges the cantor and says to him, "Look who thinks he's nothing." ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abacus2 Posted April 8, 2011 Share Posted April 8, 2011 Thank you. I've been reading this site and cracking up! I loved this one. (A customer approaches with her 2 year old son in arms, and her 5 year old daughter. As she is about to order, a customer from a few minutes earlier storms in front of her. She is yelling and screaming incoherently, and throws her drink on the counter.) Daughter, to her mother: “Mummy, why is the lady yelling?†Mother: “Never mind it, she’s just being rude.†(The little girl scowls, and points at the customer.) Daughter: “You cut that out right now! You need to be more polite!†(Taking example from his sister, the toddler starts pointing and yelling.) Toddler: “BAD! BAD!†(The irate customer is embarrassed. She shuts up and storms out. The little girl gets a free hot chocolate.) I am laughing so hard. This is the best so far: (I’ve just finished making a sandwich for a customer. I am new at this, so he double checks what I do.) Customer: “Did you forget anything?†Me: “No, sir.†Customer: “Are you sure? You remembered the cucumbers and turkey?†Me: “Yes.†Customer: “And the lettuce?†Me: “And the tomatoes, pickles, mustard and mayo, sir. It’s written on the–†Customer: “Mayo? What the h*** is that? And you left out the mayonnaise! Why did you do that?†Me: “But, that’s what I said.†Customer: “No! You said mayo! That’s not what I wanted!†Me: “I put in mayonnaise. Mayo is just an abbreviation.†Customer: “Abbreviation? What’s that, some kind of fruit?†Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ibbygirl Posted April 8, 2011 Share Posted April 8, 2011 I am laughing so hard. This is the best so far: (I’ve just finished making a sandwich for a customer. I am new at this, so he double checks what I do.) Customer: “Did you forget anything?†Me: “No, sir.†Customer: “Are you sure? You remembered the cucumbers and turkey?†Me: “Yes.†Customer: “And the lettuce?†Me: “And the tomatoes, pickles, mustard and mayo, sir. It’s written on the–†Customer: “Mayo? What the h*** is that? And you left out the mayonnaise! Why did you do that?†Me: “But, that’s what I said.†Customer: “No! You said mayo! That’s not what I wanted!†Me: “I put in mayonnaise. Mayo is just an abbreviation.†Customer: “Abbreviation? What’s that, some kind of fruit?†Oh my! I think the customer was some kind of fruit. :001_huh: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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