melissel Posted March 22, 2011 Share Posted March 22, 2011 I agree with all the actions you would take and how they would be received; however, I think it's just a matter of how it actually WORKS in each household or family. SO would not mind at all if I asked for privacy, but there hasn't been a situation where I've needed to ask. When I have friends over, if he walks through the room, we then include him in the conversation. I don't know if he's ever walked through the room and not been welcomed and included! We teach the children to GIVE people privacy by modeling it--SO models it by steering clear when my friends are here, I model it by doing the same, or by giving pockets of alone time. As far as teaching solitude, I teach it the same way I teach the love of reading--it increasing amounts of attention span. I don't leave the toddler on her own for an hour, but my 4YO might play or read in the library for an hour (at this point--it hasn't always been this way). I'm an extrovert when around people, but I jealously guard my alone time. Our children are gregarious extroverts, but they don't need to be around us 24/7. I just want to raise them to be comfortable going to a movie or out to eat by themselves one day. Hopefully they'll get there one day (a day FAR into the future). Maybe I'm doing it wrong, but it works for us and for our set. Yeah, certain things haven't been picked up by modeling here. Some things have had to be actively taught. For example, adding themselves to the conversation when I'm on the phone. In spite of DH not talking to me when I'm on the phone and my not talking to him, they still had to be actively taught that when I'm silent on the phone, it does need mean they are free to talk to me. It means that I am LISTENING to the other person talk, so they may not speak to me then. In fact, they need to go in the other room so they don't distract me. No amount of modeling would solve that problem--the words had to be spoken and the lesson pointedly taught. I don't think our perspectives are so far apart, really. I think we're talking about different kinds of kids and different kinds of conversations. I don't have friends who come over without kids anymore. As I mentioned upthread, due to schedule clashes, 90% of the time, I'm forced to see my friends with all kids in tow. DH can't model giving me privacy with them, because he's not there to begin with. Otherwise, the kids would be with him. I've had to teach the kids that sometimes, when friends and I get together, it's because we usually have things we need to discuss, and sometimes those things are for adults and not kids. We've also had occasions where we'll be in the middle of a discussion and one of the kids will come in and just sit down with us and listen. I have no problem telling that child (assuming she's one of mine) to go find something to do, we're wrapping up a conversation here, come back in 10 minutes if she'd like. Someday I hope she'll thank me when I'm the kind of mom who doesn't just wander into her room when friends are over and sit down on the bed to hang out or linger around when she's on the phone. I could very easily model the privacy for conversations thing then, but by then it will be too late. Instead, I'm having to teach it now, particularly to my DD8, who is also in a somewhat in-between phase at the moment. I can and do honor that, but I also teach that I'm entitled to some privacy when my friends are around too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Janie Grace Posted March 22, 2011 Share Posted March 22, 2011 If an adult hovered in the doorway, obviously listening in to a conversation they weren't a part of, I would consider it very rude. I don't see how that's different with kids. I guess I just don't agree with the idea that children have the right to always be included in everything at all times. As an adult, a parent, a person, I *should* be able to have a conversation without being interrupted or spied on. :iagree: I had a woman who had me over the other day and her (many) children were with us the whole time. It was fine (her prerogative of course!), but it is not a relationship that will become a close one if this is how she does time together. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Mungo Posted March 22, 2011 Share Posted March 22, 2011 We teach our children not to have private discussions in front of others. If I need to speak with my friend about something private, I do it when I'm in private. If you don't want to offend her, then don't. Talk about non-private topics. ETA: Also, it would be perfectly acceptable to ask the children to excuse the two of you for a few minutes if you are already in the middle of a private conversation. For example, if you and your friend are chatting alone in a room, and the children enter the room in the middle of a sensitive topic. I would never, however, ask anyone of any age to leave the room to serve my conversational desire. This sounds just a little judgmental. Do you have older kids or only preschoolers? If you don't have older kids, then your kids are not in the same stage of life as mine. You don't know how you will handle such future issues. I've been with my kids nearly 24 hours a day 7 days a week for the last 15 years. If I want a little alone time with a friend that is not an unreasonable or disrespectful request. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arghmatey Posted March 22, 2011 Share Posted March 22, 2011 This sounds just a little judgmental. Do you have older kids or only preschoolers? If you don't have older kids, then your kids are not in the same stage of life as mine. You don't know how you will handle such future issues. I've been with my kids nearly 24 hours a day 7 days a week for the last 15 years. If I want a little alone time with a friend that is not an unreasonable or disrespectful request. You are right, and I'm sure you're a wonderful parent. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slartibartfast Posted March 22, 2011 Share Posted March 22, 2011 We teach our children not to have private discussions in front of others. If I need to speak with my friend about something private, I do it when I'm in private. If you don't want to offend her, then don't. Talk about non-private topics. ETA: Also, it would be perfectly acceptable to ask the children to excuse the two of you for a few minutes if you are already in the middle of a private conversation. For example, if you and your friend are chatting alone in a room, and the children enter the room in the middle of a sensitive topic. I would never, however, ask anyone of any age to leave the room to serve my conversational desire. "Go play!" is private time. It doesn't get more private than that. :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Mungo Posted March 22, 2011 Share Posted March 22, 2011 (edited) "Go play!" is private time. It doesn't get more private than that. :lol: It's just a different world than for moms whose kids go off to school every day. My eldest is just at the age where yesterday she realized that "All I Wanna Do Is Make Love to You" by Heart is (in her words) "the most awkward song, ever." :lol: Once they are at that stage, there are a lot more things you can't even mention in front of them. eta: I guess I should be impressed that some people have actual private time. Edited March 22, 2011 by Mrs Mungo Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melissel Posted March 22, 2011 Share Posted March 22, 2011 "Go play!" is private time. It doesn't get more private than that. :lol: :lol: That's what I say when we're all together in a group. When we're home, it's "Please go find something to do. I need five mommy-minutes!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slartibartfast Posted March 22, 2011 Share Posted March 22, 2011 It's just a different world than for moms whose kids go off to school every day. My eldest is just at the age where yesterday she realized that "All I Wanna Do Is Make Love to You" by Heart is (in her words) "the most awkward song, ever." :lol: Once they are at that stage, there are a lot more things you can't even mention in front of them. There is a stage between "repeats what they hear when you least want them to" and "actually knows what all this MEANS" where I can see it being ok...but generally I would absolutely not discuss some things in front of kids. It sets you up for shallow relationships if you can never have a substantive conversation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Mungo Posted March 22, 2011 Share Posted March 22, 2011 There is a stage between "repeats what they hear when you least want them to" and "actually knows what all this MEANS" where I can see it being ok...but generally I would absolutely not discuss some things in front of kids. It sets you up for shallow relationships if you can never have a substantive conversation. I agree. That's why "go play" is a pretty innocuous option and I'm surprised at the number of people who seem to be opposed to it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slartibartfast Posted March 22, 2011 Share Posted March 22, 2011 I agree. That's why "go play" is a pretty innocuous option and I'm surprised at the number of people who seem to be opposed to it. And also...it sets you up for having NO IDEA who you are hanging out with. If you spend ten years talking making small talk but then you actually do have a real conversation and you are shocked to find out that they are someone completely different than you thought. I think this is how people end up in "Ahh! My best friend is a racist/Liberal/TeaPartier/potsmoker/crackdealer!" dilemmas. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arghmatey Posted March 22, 2011 Share Posted March 22, 2011 "Go play!" is private time. It doesn't get more private than that. :lol: Now that you mention it, I certainly do say something like this quite often, regardless of a need for privacy! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denisemomof4 Posted March 22, 2011 Share Posted March 22, 2011 (edited) This sounds just a little judgmental. Do you have older kids or only preschoolers? If you don't have older kids, then your kids are not in the same stage of life as mine. You don't know how you will handle such future issues. I've been with my kids nearly 24 hours a day 7 days a week for the last 15 years. If I want a little alone time with a friend that is not an unreasonable or disrespectful request. :hurray::hurray::hurray: ETA: for me it's been 19 years. I *cherish* alone time with friends. Edited March 22, 2011 by Denisemomof4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arghmatey Posted March 22, 2011 Share Posted March 22, 2011 It's hard to keep up with all the different perspectives, especially when I agree with several things posted in a comment but disagree with others. I just don't know what it's like not to have any private time "off campus" with friends, and I highly value that time (not as much as time with my children). My friends don't expect a large dose of alone time with me when we are in my home since they see me alone outside the home, without children. Still, when my friends do visit, we manage to get what I feel is an acceptable amount of private time while my children play in an adjacent room. I do understand that depending on individual personalities (of parents and children), resources and desire, a mom might never get alone time with friends unless she asks her child to leave the room; I've just not yet been in that position. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Mungo Posted March 22, 2011 Share Posted March 22, 2011 It's hard to keep up with all the different perspectives, especially when I agree with several things posted in a comment but disagree with others. I just don't know what it's like not to have any private time "off campus" with friends, and I highly value that time (not as much as time with my children). My friends don't expect a large dose of alone time with me when we are in my home since they see me alone outside the home, without children. Still, when my friends do visit, we manage to get what I feel is an acceptable amount of private time while my children play in an adjacent room. I do understand that depending on individual personalities (of parents and children), resources and desire, a mom might never get alone time with friends unless she asks her child to leave the room; I've just not yet been in that position. I see my friends without kids once in a while, especially now that mine can stay home alone. But, there were many years when I did not. My dh goes away often and/or for long periods of time, I have never lived near family, and I rarely lived in a place long enough to foster a really good relationship with a sitter that I trusted to babysit often. Even now, my friends and I are pretty busy taking kids hither and yon to their activities. Once they start driving it gets easier again (at least my friends with older kids assure me). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murphy101 Posted March 22, 2011 Share Posted March 22, 2011 This sounds just a little judgmental. Do you have older kids or only preschoolers? If you don't have older kids, then your kids are not in the same stage of life as mine. You don't know how you will handle such future issues. I've been with my kids nearly 24 hours a day 7 days a week for the last 15 years. If I want a little alone time with a friend that is not an unreasonable or disrespectful request. I agree. That's why "go play" is a pretty innocuous option and I'm surprised at the number of people who seem to be opposed to it. Amen! And also...it sets you up for having NO IDEA who you are hanging out with. If you spend ten years talking making small talk but then you actually do have a real conversation and you are shocked to find out that they are someone completely different than you thought. I think this is how people end up in "Ahh! My best friend is a racist/Liberal/TeaPartier/potsmoker/crackdealer!" dilemmas. I know! I hear people say things like "I never knew.." and I think what in the world, what have they been talking about all these years?! The weather?:001_huh: I see my friends without kids once in a while, especially now that mine can stay home alone. But, there were many years when I did not. My dh goes away often and/or for long periods of time, I have never lived near family, and I rarely lived in a place long enough to foster a really good relationship with a sitter that I trusted to babysit often. Even now, my friends and I are pretty busy taking kids hither and yon to their activities. Once they start driving it gets easier again (at least my friends with older kids assure me). :grouphug: We have lived here for years,but between lack of extended family, a large family and a small budget, and then filled calendars - yeah, not running out for very many girl nights here. And IF I get such a luxury of time? You can bet dh is first in line for that date night. No offense to my dear friends, but we have waited 16 years for us to reach this point and we are making up for many a lost conversation!:) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arghmatey Posted March 22, 2011 Share Posted March 22, 2011 Yes, apparently everyone leads very different lives (duh to me). We get at least one date night every week while my mother watches them (in addition to the several hours alone every night after the children go to sleep), and since he runs his own business, he frequently offers to watch the children while I go to lunch with girlfriends. I didn't really think about how my access to alone time--or time away from my children--so greatly impacted very specific interactions when I am with them. This is all very interesting, and I'm very thankful to be able to read about everyone's points of view and lifestyles. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melissel Posted March 22, 2011 Share Posted March 22, 2011 Yes, apparently everyone leads very different lives (duh to me). We get at least one date night every week while my mother watches them (in addition to the several hours alone every night after the children go to sleep), and since he runs his own business, he frequently offers to watch the children while I go to lunch with girlfriends. I didn't really think about how my access to alone time--or time away from my children--so greatly impacted very specific interactions when I am with them. This is all very interesting, and I'm very thankful to be able to read about everyone's points of view and lifestyles. :crying: Stop! You're depressing me!!! Seriously, though, enjoy your time. You're so lucky to have it, and for some reason, it seems to fade away as the kids get older. You'd think it would be the other way around! I think it's because they need less sleep and more attention (and schooling). My mom has two part-time jobs and all the family responsibilities because of my dad's schedule. She takes the kids once every few months these days. My DH doesn't come home until 8:00 or so (later in the warmer seasons), and he's in commission-only sales, so there's no taking time off. On the days he's off, I'm usually working at my freelance work while he has the kids, or he's running around doing things for the house/cars (or working *sigh*). Most of my HSing mom friends have similar stories (as does my PSing mom friend). You're right about the resources. We're all trying to make do with what we have! :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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