StaceyinLA Posted January 26, 2008 Share Posted January 26, 2008 I know it may be a lot to ask (you know, to help make other people's life decisions and all), but would any of you be willing to put your 2 cents in??? Here goes: I just feel like I have zero direction right now. I have lost interest in teaching my kids (I do it, but am just not into it right now). I dislike living out in the country and feel dissatisfied every time we go into town for Spanish because I miss being closer to things. I have wanted another baby forEVER, and have suffered losing 4 to ectopic pregnancies since my reversal (of course, I had a hysterectomy over a year ago now so it has been a while). I want to adopt so badly, and I feel that it is what I am meant to do, but I have no support from dh in the matter. Lately, he has seemed to soften on the idea a bit, but from a financial aspect, it looks impossible anyway. Has anyone else ever just been unhappy with everything about their lives? I'm not really depressed. I CAN be happy at certain times. I love when I'm around my little nieces. I love spending time with my cousin's baby when she's here. Babies/toddlers make me happy. My KIDS even want more kids. Sometimes I think about going back to college, but then I am not sure WHAT I would do anyway. I love being home and taking care of my kids/our home, but I feel like something is missing now that my kids are older. I NEED to nurture the way little ones need nurturing. I am just that type of person. Is there anyone else out there like this? Anyone going through things like this? My husband tells me I need counseling, but I don't need someone to tell me to get over it because I'm NOT going to just get over it. I feel like this is my calling and there is every obstacle in the world keeping me from it. Am I totally losing it or what? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dayle in Guatemala Posted January 26, 2008 Share Posted January 26, 2008 I know that it helps me a lot to do volunteer work for others. If your dc are the ages where you can leave them for a little bit each week, you could volunteer at a nursing home, a library, a crisis pregnancy center, or any other organization that you could be interested in. It does help me sometimes to take my eyes off of myself and put them on others. It gives me perspective and a grateful spirit about my life and family in general. It also gives me a chance to be around "grown ups" that helps me out with my social needs. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StaceyinLA Posted January 26, 2008 Author Share Posted January 26, 2008 I need to find a regular place to do this... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Another Lynn Posted January 26, 2008 Share Posted January 26, 2008 I know your feelings go deeper than this and I'm not at all trying to poo-foo them, but for *me* personally, this is a tough time of year. I'm satisfied with many areas of my life, but feel a restless waiting because the weather, the lack of sunshine, just waiting for spring and warmth and activity, I guess. Like I said, I know your feelings go deeper than that, but maybe they are intensified by the season of the year? That said, I'm wondering if you've considered being foster parents. I can't imagine the sacrifices it would involve and sometimes, potential heartbreak, but if might provide opportunities for nurturing without the cost of going through the legal process of adoption. Who knows... it might even lead to adoption? Another thought might be to find a way to start saving for an adoption (I know that might seem like an overwhelming goal - but you have to start somewhere) and pray, if you're of faith, that God would lead you and your dh to both desire adoption or that God might take your own desire away. Dayle had great ideas too. Wish you the best. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StaceyinLA Posted January 26, 2008 Author Share Posted January 26, 2008 it does go pretty deep. I have, and do, pray about the adoption. It's just that we are now 40 and I know that there is not tons of time left for this so it is really hard to just be patient... I so wish the desire would go away but it hasn't... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris in VA Posted January 27, 2008 Share Posted January 27, 2008 I went thru something similar when I realized I was coming to the end of my fertility (wait--scratch that--coming to the end of the time I thought I would be ok with pregnancy). I felt so sad, thinking of my children growing up so fast. It just seemed to be a time when I was getting ready to leave one stage of life and enter another. Please hear me, I'm a-ok with other ladies having kids into their forty's--I am very pro-"big family," I just felt I couldn't get comfortable with getting pregnant again. It was as if I wanted some things to just stay the same. But that doesn't happen with kids, does it? I felt something precious slipping away. I knew it was "supposed" to be that way--surely we are created to live in linear time, as well as in eternity w/o time. But it...it...well, it hurt. I hurt. I'm sorry you are feeling dissatisfied, and I'm sorry that perhaps you are feeling hurt, too. Maybe part of it is a feeling of loss, not only loss of "the way things are," but also a bit of the loss of identity when we realize our mothering doesn't stay the same--our role changes so much as our children grow. I am facing the leaving of one child, the changes of early adolescence in another. I am preparing to go back to work and leave the cocoon of homeschooling. I am not feeling satisfied with the prospect of going back to teaching (other people's kids, which is what I did before I had kids). I just wish I could stay a mom in this way a little longer. I'm sorry, I don't remember if you are a Christian. For me, I am finding a need to find God as my All, as my Satisfaction. I am needing to see him as Enough. I know there is more adventure to seek. I know there is more for me to do. But I'm in a place of...well, maybe you are there, too. Hugs to you. Just some thoughts. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LG Gone Wild Posted January 27, 2008 Share Posted January 27, 2008 I am working on my health and so that has helped me be in less of a funk. Actually, I working on two things health/fitness (childrearing has taken quite its toll) and spirituality. That's my gig but you may find a different hobby. It really works (getting a new interest) to get over the hump of dissatisfaction and listlessness. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melissel Posted January 27, 2008 Share Posted January 27, 2008 I've BTDT--not over having another baby specifically, but about other things. I was going to suggest fostering too, if your husband would be amenable. I also wanted to say, though, that I think you (anybody, really) could definitely benefit from counseling. No decent counselor will EVER tell you to just "get over it." That's not a counselor's function, at all. On a more practical level, someone recently recommended The Mood Cure to me, and I've read great things from people who've read the book and supplemented accordingly. I'm waiting for the book from my library, but I absolutely plan to try the supplementation if it's appropriate for me. Maybe that can provide some short-term help for you? (((HUGS))) to you in this difficult time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Claire Posted January 27, 2008 Share Posted January 27, 2008 I won't go into detail, but I know *exactly* what you are talking about. I tried volunteering. The problem I found with it was that I was not valued by others. For example, if you are tutoring reading for free, you will quickly find out that parents will simply not show up for a lesson. If you tutor a child at school, the school will not bother to inform you that the child is absent on the scheduled day, so you will show up for nothing. We moved from city to rural, against my better instincts, and it turned out my instincts were right. We are in the process of reversing that decision, but in the meantime I have lost years of my life. The deep longings you are talking about will *not* simply go away. My honest advice is to pursue adoption and allow your dh to simply drag along behind you. Up until the very moment that you take the child home, you can always reverse the process. You have nothing to lose by positioning yourself for it to happen. My biggest regret was abiding by my dh's wishes too much. We would both be happier now if I had asserted myself and gone after what I really wanted -- more children and a home in the cities. If you wait and wait and wait until your dh is onboard with you, helping with the paperwork, etc., it will never happen. I am telling you what I wish I had done in my early forties..... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cathy in IL Posted January 27, 2008 Share Posted January 27, 2008 Yes, there have been times in my life when I have felt like what you describe. Usually it has been times when I am supposed to make major changes in my life. Adoption doesn't have to be expensive. it would be difficult to pursue without your husband on board, but most adoptive moms I know had the desire to adopt some time before their husbands did. If he is softening towards it, that could be a good sign. If you adopt through the foster care system, the state picks up the expenses. Sometimes there is even a subsidy available or at least medical coverage even after you adopt. Another way to have babies in the home to love is by doing interim care. Some adoption agencies need people to care for newborns after they leave the hospital but before they go to their adoptive home. That would be difficult if you truly want another baby to be your very own, but it may fit well if you just want to keep on having babies around to love. I wish I had words of wisdom to help lift the heaviness you feel. It's a hard, hard place to be. I hope that soon you are feeling more joy and contentment. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz CA Posted January 27, 2008 Share Posted January 27, 2008 As far as the part about "nurturing" goes, have you thought about providing childcare first and eventually perhaps adoption as several other people have mentioned? I know people who have adopted through foster care and while it's a ton of paperwork (probably is anywhere) they were happy with it. I can relate to your statement about living in the country and having to drive miles and miles everywhere. But I have to admit that I still like living out here even though many times I have wished I was closer to town ,especially when the gasoline prices rise and rise... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LNC Posted January 27, 2008 Share Posted January 27, 2008 I too am grieving the end of my childbearing/adopting years. I console myself that I'll be a grandma in 10-15 years! A great book that deals with the challenges, regrets etc of mid-life is called Lost in the Middle, by Paul Tripp. http://www.amazon.com/Lost-Middle-Midlife-Grace-God/dp/0972304681 HTH! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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