Cricket Posted February 8, 2011 Share Posted February 8, 2011 So, what would you do if one of your children has a habit of lying (not a one time thing and not only school-related) and you also discovered him cheating on his schoolwork? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted February 8, 2011 Share Posted February 8, 2011 Take away freedom to do schoolwork or anything else alone because I cannot trust that child. Tomato stake them so that they learn things the right way. This is what I've had to do. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
regentrude Posted February 8, 2011 Share Posted February 8, 2011 So, what would you do if one of your children has a habit of lying (not a one time thing and not only school-related) and you also discovered him cheating on his schoolwork? He loses the privilege of working independently. he would have to work under constant supervision by me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happypamama Posted February 8, 2011 Share Posted February 8, 2011 Yep, I'm with Jean. That child wouldn't be allowed to do schoolwork by him/herself. "You've shown me that you can't be trusted, so I will need to watch over you until you can show me some maturity." The child would probably also lose privileges and chances to do fun things. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cricket Posted February 8, 2011 Author Share Posted February 8, 2011 Hmmm....y'all are nicer than me. :) We've had this problem before but he doesn't seem to understand how serious it is. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justasque Posted February 8, 2011 Share Posted February 8, 2011 So, what would you do if one of your children has a habit of lying (not a one time thing and not only school-related) and you also discovered him cheating on his schoolwork? Gently ask him why. Listen thoughtfully. Discuss whether his strategy was wise. Be understanding of feelings, even when they led to bad choices. Point out the down sides of the choices that were made. Discuss/brainstorm alternative ways of addressing the issues that caused him to try cheating. In addition, talk about right and wrong, and the feelings that doing something you *know* is wrong give you. (That is, not good ones.) Talk about how doing the right thing is sometimes hard. etc. Repeat as needed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SonshineLearner Posted February 8, 2011 Share Posted February 8, 2011 I think some kids are less sensitive to the "wrongness" of lying. Their conscience just isn't in tune with what's wrong about it. 2 of my children have acted very differently about it. One... no conscience... just didn't want to get caught lying... but had no problem with it... and only wanted to avoid talking/dealing or punishment resulting from it. The other was truly mortified about causing us displeasure and our lacking faith in their word. (for now) They too didn't want to have any action taken... but they were really upset. (They just had to repay the money that they had taken, with a certain "fine" attached for dishonesty... and taking from my purse) I always strive to tell the truth..... It's what is "right" and I want to be believed. Hmmmm :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cricket Posted February 8, 2011 Author Share Posted February 8, 2011 I think some kids are less sensitive to the "wrongness" of lying. Their conscience just isn't in tune with what's wrong about it. 2 of my children have acted very differently about it. One... no conscience... just didn't want to get caught lying... but had no problem with it... and only wanted to avoid talking/dealing or punishment resulting from it. The other was truly mortified about causing us displeasure and our lacking faith in their word. (for now) They too didn't want to have any action taken... but they were really upset. (They just had to repay the money that they had taken, with a certain "fine" attached for dishonesty... and taking from my purse)I always strive to tell the truth..... It's what is "right" and I want to be believed. Hmmmm :( I think it's the first one we are dealing with here. He still will not admit he lied or cheated. I ask him why he did it and he just gives me a deer-in-the-headlights look, shakes his head and says he didn't. Flat out looks you in the eye and lies! UGH! This isn't a case where we are jumping to conclusions and are mistaken. He was caught red-handed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cricket Posted February 8, 2011 Author Share Posted February 8, 2011 Gently ask him why. Listen thoughtfully. Discuss whether his strategy was wise. Be understanding of feelings, even when they led to bad choices. Point out the down sides of the choices that were made. Discuss/brainstorm alternative ways of addressing the issues that caused him to try cheating. In addition, talk about right and wrong, and the feelings that doing something you *know* is wrong give you. (That is, not good ones.) Talk about how doing the right thing is sometimes hard. etc. Repeat as needed. We have used this approach in the past. This has been an ongoing issue! :banghead: This time I think he needs something a little more drastic to bring home how serious it is. Right now he even refuses to admit he lied or cheated when I caught him red-handed so he won't give me a "why" as to why he did it. What is scary is I don't know that he has any bad feelings when he lies. Maybe he got away with it a few times and now thinks there are no significant consequences. I don't know. I want to reach his heart and make him see how bad lying is and not just rant and rave and punish. I know it will probably be a long process! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairfarmhand Posted February 8, 2011 Share Posted February 8, 2011 I think it's the first one we are dealing with here. He still will not admit he lied or cheated. I ask him why he did it and he just gives me a deer-in-the-headlights look, shakes his head and says he didn't. Flat out looks you in the eye and lies! UGH! This isn't a case where we are jumping to conclusions and are mistaken. He was caught red-handed. been here done this.... Here's what we did. Forget about asking why. Just turn into lecture mode. "Dear, It is obvious that you are still lying. I know the truth. You can pretend to be the wronged party here if you want, but it boils down to this. You cheated. So stop the pity party, stop playing the games. I don't want to hear anymore denials, any more crap from you. you don't have me buffaloed. I am onto you. SO no more unsupervised work. No more nothing till I realize that I can trust you. Broken trust takes a long time to earn back. This will be more than a short punishment. It will likely take weeks or months to regain my trust. So get used to having me look over your shoulder. Get used to not being out of my sight. Get used to being right beside me because I cannot trust you. I hate it because I want to trust the people I live with and I don't want to have a big kid that I have to treat as a toddler. But I love you so much that I don't want you growing up and lying to the people you love. " Usually by this time, we have moved past the "why" to the real issue... how I am going to deal with this. I discuss how lying becomes a habit. A bad one that I don't want my kids to cultivate. Ask your kid how he would feel if you lied to him. Ask him how lying will affect his marriage? Will his friends be able to trust him if he lies to them? He needs to know that the truth ALWAYS is found out. Not necessarily in every instance, but a liar gets found out; eventually the lies catch up to him. I don't typically punish per se, but having mom next to you for the next few weeks is not a pleasant thought for most of our "big" kids. Meaning...when you go to the bathroom, he will be right outside the door. When you go switch the laundry, he carries his work on a clipboard and goes with you. Finally my little liar has grown a conscience. If she impulsively tells a lie, she will soon after back up and own up to the truth. It took a lot of work for her to get there though. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dolphin Posted February 8, 2011 Share Posted February 8, 2011 I had this problem last year. We used a couple of methods. First, they got their punishment for whatever they had done wrong and lied about (ie the cheating, I would deal with the lying first as that will probably solve the cheating) Next there were special punishments that ds got as well, every time he lied Lines: He had to write I must not tell lies 25 times, and I told him that it would increase by 25 with every lie. He got to 150 lines, but oh he hated those. And a creative one, something he would never expect. Cinderfella; he had to scrub the kitchen floor with a toothbrush I even tried lying to him. I told him we were going to the amusement park the next day, built it up all day. Then the next morning he was all ready and I said, oh. we aren't going. I lied! He broke into tears. After he calmed down we talked about how he felt. He told me he was mad at me, that he was sad. I told him that was how I felt when he lied to me. I asked him if he felt like he couldn't trust me, and he said yes. I explained that is what his lying did to me. This one stopped the lying for about 6 months, then he told one more and I did this Food: I took his sister out to his favorite restaurant and he had to stay home with dad, had bread and water for lunch and sit at the table and do nothing until we got back. I told him to think that while he was sitting there he could have been enjoying his favorite meal if he had only told me the truth(this was the one that had the 150 lines and stopped the lying from him) We haven't had a lie now for 18 months. For the first few months I tried whenever I could to remind him what the consequences of a lie were before I asked the question. I also make sure to thank him for telling me the truth. I let him know alot how nice it is to have such a trustworthy son. We surprised him with a trip to Great Wolf on the one year anniversary of no lying. He really understands now that we really put a big emphasis on honesty in our family. He sister has started with the tall tales (she is almost 4) and it is really sweet hearing him explain to her how lying is wrong. Sorry, this is long, and maybe to harsh. But it worked for us. My mom was like this too, and she said that I was almost too honest with her when I was in High School. My sisters and I told her everything that we got up too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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