Unicorn. Posted February 3, 2011 Share Posted February 3, 2011 Ds (8th) had to write an intro for an adventure story. I read it and told him I thought it was really good, and I was impressed w/ how much he has improved. He thinks he stinks. He has always struggled w/ writing, and every time I praise him, he puts himself down. I offered to let the hive read it, and he jumped on the idea! So, would you please read what he wrote, and offer your opinion? Thanks! You're sprinting across the court and knock the tennis ball back to him. A crack of thunder wakes you up from a rare nap. You swear and pick up your Tompsen and trudge to the mess truck. As you're eating your k-rations Lt. Cambell walks up and asks for Marine volunteers for a raid against the Japs. You decide to join the raid. You've been itching for action ever since the beach over a month ago. You look around the briefing tent, you notice that all the briefing tools are covered by sheets. Before you can question all this, Lt. Cambell starts talking. "Ok, you most likely noticed that everything is covered." He pauses to let everybody look around. "Well, this is normal raid. Before I explain anymore, this is your last chance to turn back. o hard feelings will be held against you, for nobody will return from this raid." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardening momma Posted February 3, 2011 Share Posted February 3, 2011 Did he have to write it in second person? Other than that, I think it's good. I just don't care for the second person approach. I think it's harder to be convincing. Someone is trying to tell me what I, the reader, is doing and thinking. It's easier to believe what someone else is doing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Little Nyssa Posted February 3, 2011 Share Posted February 3, 2011 This is very exciting, draws the reader in, and is well-written. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mergath Posted February 3, 2011 Share Posted February 3, 2011 I would cut the dream at the beginning. It confuses the reader a bit, and the most important thing early on is to draw the reader in, not push them away. Other than that, it's a bit hard to critique a short writing sample like this. For example, if this is set now, I'd say the Lt. sounds a bit formal, but a hundred years ago, his dialogue would be fine. Is there a reason your ds went with second person pov? The tools being covered by sheets is really intriguing. I'd love to know what happens next. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LibraryLover Posted February 3, 2011 Share Posted February 3, 2011 What a little cutie! That's awesome for such a wee guy! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LibraryLover Posted February 3, 2011 Share Posted February 3, 2011 :lol::lol::lol: You see that he is a whole farking 8, right? OP, leave him be. Don't go all ballistic correcting. (Please God, have I said a dang word about people thinking hot sauce is not abuse. Have I? ) I would cut the dream at the beginning. It confuses the reader a bit, and the most important thing early on is to draw the reader in, not push them away. Other than that, it's a bit hard to critique a short writing sample like this. For example, if this is set now, I'd say the Lt. sounds a bit formal, but a hundred years ago, his dialogue would be fine. Is there a reason your ds went with second person pov? The tools being covered by sheets is really intriguing. I'd love to know what happens next. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mergath Posted February 3, 2011 Share Posted February 3, 2011 :lol::lol::lol: You see that he is a whole farking 8, right? OP, leave him be. Don't go all ballistic correcting. (Please God, have I said a dang word about people thinking hot sauce is not abuse. Have I? ) I'm confused... :confused: I thought he was in 8th grade? Didn't the op say 8th? For an eighth grader, I give honest, thoughtful reviews. Sorry to offend. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LibraryLover Posted February 3, 2011 Share Posted February 3, 2011 Oh, 8th grade, not age 8. Still, I think it's good. Is 8th about age 12? I'd still be happy a 12/13 year old boy wants to write in such a creative way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unicorn. Posted February 3, 2011 Author Share Posted February 3, 2011 He's 8th grade (sorry) not 8! And he's almost 6 ft- so not a wee guy, :D but he is pretty new at being able to come up w/ more than one sentence!! Thanks for defending him though! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LibraryLover Posted February 3, 2011 Share Posted February 3, 2011 I misread. Still. I'm confused... :confused: I thought he was in 8th grade? Didn't the op say 8th? For an eighth grader, I give honest, thoughtful reviews. Sorry to offend. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unicorn. Posted February 3, 2011 Author Share Posted February 3, 2011 Mergath, no offense! He wants honest feedback. Thank you for your thoughts. You were referring to the tennis thing right? I had trouble w/ that too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LibraryLover Posted February 3, 2011 Share Posted February 3, 2011 He's 8th grade (sorry) not 8! And he's almost 6 ft- so not a wee guy, :D but he is pretty new at being able to come up w/ more than one sentence!! Thanks for defending him though! :D Hey, even for 12, I think it's good. I thought it was amazing for 8. Granted. I am still in the 'Let the 12 year old catch a break" camp. :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LibraryLover Posted February 3, 2011 Share Posted February 3, 2011 Mergath, no offense! He wants honest feedback. Thank you for your thoughts. You were referring to the tennis thing right? I had trouble w/ that too. yeah. Go for it. :D PS I clearly ucksay at eedspay eedingray. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mergath Posted February 3, 2011 Share Posted February 3, 2011 Oh, 8th grade, not age 8. Still, I think it's good. Is 8th about age 12? I'd still be happy a 12/13 year old boy wants to write in such a creative way. I think I was 14 in 8th grade. ETA: No, wait. 13? See, this is why I was an English major, lol. As a writer, I've always preferred to hear exactly what someone liked/disliked about my writing. It's the only way to improve. I actually went to college with several people who thought they were brilliant writers because everyone always told them everything they wrote was "really really great!" only to find out they couldn't string together a coherent sentence. Obviously, this kid can string together coherent sentences quite well, so that won't be a problem. :) Anyway, my point is that, for writers, there is nothing more important than honest critiques. We need to make a rule that all people posting writing samples need to tell us if they want critiques or just need a boost to keep going. :tongue_smilie: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LibraryLover Posted February 3, 2011 Share Posted February 3, 2011 I think I was 14 in 8th grade. ETA: No, wait. 13? See, this is why I was an English major, lol.:tongue_smilie: :001_smile: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hunter's Moon Posted February 3, 2011 Share Posted February 3, 2011 Did he have to write it in second person? Other than that, I think it's good. I just don't care for the second person approach. I think it's harder to be convincing. Someone is trying to tell me what I, the reader, is doing and thinking. It's easier to believe what someone else is doing. I personally like second person, it reminds me of those "choose your own story" from Goosebumps. I suppose it is just a preference, but I think it's great! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OnTheBrink Posted February 3, 2011 Share Posted February 3, 2011 My only critique is that Campbell is misspelled and there might be a few comma errors, but I'm not great at commas, either, so I could be wrong about that. Otherwise, it looks really good. :001_smile: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mergath Posted February 3, 2011 Share Posted February 3, 2011 Mergath, no offense! He wants honest feedback. Thank you for your thoughts. You were referring to the tennis thing right? I had trouble w/ that too. Yup, the tennis thing. The first sentence, or "hook," is one of the most important in a piece of writing. It needs to intrigue the reader, and give away just enough info to give the reader the flavor of a work, but not too much, because you want to trickle in info rather than let it gush out and overwhelm. I really like the thing with the sheets covering up the tools- maybe he might want to try using that as his hook and see how it goes. Something like, "You know today is going to be an unusual day when you show up for your briefing and see everything covered with sheets." Or something like that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unicorn. Posted February 3, 2011 Author Share Posted February 3, 2011 This is exactly why he wrote it in 2nd person. It is going to be a "choose your own adventure story". You're good! I had to ask why. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unicorn. Posted February 3, 2011 Author Share Posted February 3, 2011 My only critique is that Campbell is misspelled :001_smile: I know. I had a hard time not fixing that, but needed to copy "as is". :tongue_smilie: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hunter's Moon Posted February 3, 2011 Share Posted February 3, 2011 This is exactly why he wrote it in 2nd person. It is going to be a "choose your own adventure story". You're good! I had to ask why. I used to be obsessed with Goosebumps (and still would be if I hadn't read them all...) so it just popped into my head since I don't think I've read anything else 2nd person other than those books. :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unicorn. Posted February 3, 2011 Author Share Posted February 3, 2011 Thank you everyone! He was surprised to realize that he can write. I asked him if he would believe me from now on. He said no. :glare: He said to thank you all for the advice, and I think somebody got his creative juices going, because he started mumbling something about ading details here and there! :hurray: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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