s/o on decision about number of children thread - only children

[In the Rain]

My dh is #6 of 7. He was sometimes called, "#6" growing up. He relates story after story of how lonely he felt growing up in a large family. He almost never got one-on-one time with either parent. The few times he did, he recalls clearly, but resents that it had to be "scheduled" as if he were just another number to attend to. I know/knew both his parents and they are/were wonderful people, but 7 kids is a lot of kids and there was obviously a lot of shuffling that had to be done to parent all 7 at once. Dh never felt particularly close to his siblings except the one younger than him because they were closest in age to each other, but even then he describes his childhood as a constant contest to "get a serving of food before it's gone, get a toy to play with before it's broken, get a hug before mom was worn out for the day."

 

When he talks about it, I can see how much he loves his parents, but I can also hear the sadness of being "#6 of 7." He never wanted a large family and was the first to suggest that we just have the one. He says "we have the luxury of being a small family -- it's the one luxury I am sure I can always offer my son." FTR, whenever ds is asked if he wants siblings, he answers with an emphatic "no!" To which, dh will emphatically agree.

 

This is so sad! I wonder about that kind of thing when I meet large families, but of course it isn't anything that can be said out loud. Large families seem to be pretty common in the hs'ing world.

[Audrey]

This is so sad! I wonder about that kind of thing when I meet large families, but of course it isn't anything that can be said out loud. Large families seem to be pretty common in the hs'ing world.

 

 

I don't think you will hear someone from a large family talk about the hard stuff unless you know them very personally -- at least, that has been my experience. Dh's siblings all say similar things, but they all kind of joke about it. Around here, large families are common among my age group (although no one has large families anymore it seems). Of my close friends, they all express similar sentiments of how it was a challenge to get intimate time with their parents and they just accepted that a heart-to-heart talk with mom or dad was a once in a lifetime opportunity -- if ever. And, the rivalry among siblings was just amplified by the sheer numbers of them. Most people from quite large families that I know, where there is a big gap between the older and younger ones, express that they never really knew or felt terribly close to their siblings who were much older or younger. There's such a disconnect between them because of the big age spread and just the fact of being raised differently as the parents' parenting and family management styles evolved. Pretty much everyone I know says these things in a joking manner. However, humour is frequently derived from pain.

 

Another factor that made my dh feel kind of lonely is that he was never "difficult." He is also quite shy, but even his mom used to say that dh "was a reliably easy child." But, for dh that meant he felt he faded even further into the background, whereas the difficult ones quite obviously got more attention (even if it was trying to correct negative behaviour). My dh is not bitter, and he doesn't resent having fewer things (because he is just not a materialistic person), but the thing that does pain him is the lack of communication and affection and attention he had growing up.

[cindergretta]

Why do people get a disgusted look and tone and ask, "Are they all yours?" when I am out in public with my 6?

 

And for every only child with a happy and content childhood, there is one who is miserable. For every child from a large family who hated the experience, there is another who loved it.

[cindergretta]

I don't think you will hear someone from a large family talk about the hard stuff unless you know them very personally -- at least, that has been my experience. Dh's siblings all say similar things, but they all kind of joke about it. Around here, large families are common among my age group (although no one has large families anymore it seems). Of my close friends, they all express similar sentiments of how it was a challenge to get intimate time with their parents and they just accepted that a heart-to-heart talk with mom or dad was a once in a lifetime opportunity -- if ever. And, the rivalry among siblings was just amplified by the sheer numbers of them. Most people from quite large families that I know, where there is a big gap between the older and younger ones, express that they never really knew or felt terribly close to their siblings who were much older or younger. There's such a disconnect between them because of the big age spread and just the fact of being raised differently as the parents' parenting and family management styles evolved. Pretty much everyone I know says these things in a joking manner. However, humour is frequently derived from pain.

 

.

 

:-/ My 16 y/o is closest to his 10 y/o sister. My 14 y/o and my 2 y/o are tighter than super - glued together. What is relevant or truth for one person or family is totally irrelevant and untruthful for another.

 

I don't care to make generalizations about only child or small families based on this or that person or family. Likewise, I bristle at them being made about large families.

 

I'm sorry your dh was so unhappy in his family and upbringing. This is not a sentiment I often hear among my circle of large families. My children love the size of our family and ask when there will be another baby.

 

In terms of the "asking out loud" about issues with large families, it is about as welcome and polite as "wondering out loud" about those poor children in only child families. ;)

[Hoggirl]

Why do people get a disgusted look and tone and ask, "Are they all yours?" when I am out in public with my 6?

 

And for every only child with a happy and content childhood, there is one who is miserable. For every child from a large family who hated the experience, there is another who loved it.

 

Is it the question or the demeanor/tone that bothers you? I ask, b/c I will often ask if I see a mama at WM with several children if they are all hers. However, if the answer is "yes," I ALWAYS follow up with something like, "I bet you all have so much fun together," or "I think large families are great," or something like that. Would that be offensive to you? 'Cause if it would, I'll stop doing it. I just figure folks with large families get enough of the "Don't you know what causes that?" that I like to try and give positive words to large families. But, maybe I should just keep my mouth shut.

[cindergretta]

I'm not offended by the words at all. And I have been asked with a huge grin before, and a look of genuine surprise. That totally doesn't bother me one whit! :D

 

It is 100% the tone and the accompanying "look." This one - :glare: . It is as if I am defiling the earth by having more than 2 dc. The thing is, when it is asked like that, in front of my dc, do the younger (but old enough to understand) ones think they shouldn't be here? :confused:

[coralloyd]

I'm an only and was never lonely :D. I loved being an only child, but my parents made sure I was involved in things. They were the parents that could always be there or help out. I wanted more than one child simply because I love children. All off my jobs before marriage (except a few coffee shops) were with children. I have nothing bad to say about being an only. I always get the pitty looks from people when they hear it though.

[Audrey]

:-/ My 16 y/o is closest to his 10 y/o sister. My 14 y/o and my 2 y/o are tighter than super - glued together. What is relevant or truth for one person or family is totally irrelevant and untruthful for another.

 

I don't care to make generalizations about only child or small families based on this or that person or family. Likewise, I bristle at them being made about large families.

 

I'm sorry your dh was so unhappy in his family and upbringing. This is not a sentiment I often hear among my circle of large families. My children love the size of our family and ask when there will be another baby.

 

In terms of the "asking out loud" about issues with large families, it is about as welcome and polite as "wondering out loud" about those poor children in only child families. ;)

 

 

Well, of course. That was my point... that you won't hear people talk about the hard stuff because it's just not something you ask. And, if they do share, it is usually only with people who they know very, very well.

 

You are definitely correct when you say not all family experiences are equal. Just as many people can love being an only as can regret it, and just as many can love being in a big family as can regret it. That's just life. It is disingenuous to propose that everything is roses being an only, and equally disingenuous to propose that all big families are just peachy happy being big families.

[cindergretta]

Well, of course. That was my point... that you won't hear people talk about the hard stuff because it's just not something you ask. And, if they do share, it is usually only with people who they know very, very well.

 

You are definitely correct when you say not all family experiences are equal. Just as many people can love being an only as can regret it, and just as many can love being in a big family as can regret it. That's just life. It is disingenuous to propose that everything is roses being an only, and equally disingenuous to propose that all big families are just peachy happy being big families.

 

:iagree: And in terms of hearing about the "tough" parts, I think that applies to all manner of things, including hs'ing, SAHM'ing, WOHM'ing, whatever. Whenever we talk about specifics in our own life, we are opening ourselves up to criticism. ::sigh:: When one has an issue with their chosen path, people tend to want to jump in and tell them what they did wrong. :glare: And we all know how helpful that is!!! :lol:

[asta]

I think the bad part about being an only (from being only 1 of 2) isn't until the end, when the parents are gone, and one person is solely responsible for figuring out the entire estate. While my sister and I weren't close growing up, it was a huge help to have one another to try to wade through that difficult process. There were many :confused: moments! I'm hoping my nephew would feel that close to my children to call on them to help, and not shoulder that responsibility entirely on his own. So my seeming prejudice against onlies has nothing to do with spoiled/adjusted/etc., but simply how hard it is to be alone, grieving, and having to be Houdini to make all the decisions that comes at the end of a life.

 

 

This is pretty much my greatest fear for DS. He really has no one. He isn't close to any of his cousins, as he is an expat kid. We've set everything up as "automatic" as possible, and will continue to refine it (have a lawyer in place to just "do" things), but ultimately, someone has to throw the crap away.

 

It was hard enough for DH with his brother & some extended family when MIL died. I just don't even want to think about it. :sad:

 

 

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[ChiMomNP]

I was an only until I was 15 so I really consider that being an only as I moved out right at the stroke of 18. My brother and I get along but are not close. We talk probably 3-4 times a year on Holidays. My son is an only and will always be one unless his dad gets remarried and has more children but since his serious g/f is 48 and has grown children in their 20's I doubt it. We are perfectly happy as a family of 3. In fact we are really enjoying him getting older, it allows us more adult time together. I think the time we spend with him is more enjoyable too. We do occasionally get comments from people who just meet us and find out we only have one. We just blow it off.

[sheryl]

Cynthia,

 

Sorry that Hogs lost to BUCKEYES..rule.. :lol:

 

Well, yes, I get the verbal comments and also the huff under the breath inferred type of negative comment...if that makes any sense.

 

Before my dh and I married, but were planning our wedding we discussed having 3 kids.

 

That is not how it turned out. We have 1 dd who turns 12 in a few months.

 

I'll get comments like, "well, since you "only" have 1, then thus and such"...whatever they were addressing.

 

Now I know some on this board have replied as such and I don't take offense b/c they are specific answers to specific issues. I'm referring to friends, general public, etc.

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

My 12 yr. old goddaughter is an only child and I spend a great deal of time with her. I would not say she is spoiled or lonely, but she does behave differently than other children with siblings that I know. (I'm not basing this just on my kids.) We have gone on vacation with her and her parents and have shared living space for weeks at a time. She usually comes and spends a week with us in the summer. While she is not selfish or spoiled at all, she is definitely more self centered. I don't mean this in a negative way at all. I just mean that she is used to things revolving around her, because at her house, they DO. She is a sweetheart and a very loving and giving person, but I have seen her get upset when things aren't going according to her plan and she seems to have a harder time brushing it off than a child with siblings would.

 

However, I would never say this to her or her parents. That is just my private observation. I happen to know that they tried to have more kids, and when it wasn't happening, they decided to quit trying and enjoy the kid they have. They joke around themselves that their daughter will have to pick out their nursing home by herself, but I remind them that she'll have her god-brothers to help! lol!

[Tullia]

I'm going to read the other replies after posting. I'm a step-daughter, wife, mother, aunt, cousin and friend to some wonderful only children. Each one of them is very (sometimes too much) conscious of the spoilt only child stereotype and tries to avoid giving people an opportunity to think that. My experience of onlies is that they are very serious about and committed to their relationships which is a good thing. However, sometimes that means I've had to ask for a leetle bit more space.

 

Also, my theory is that the rough and tumble adjustments that children with siblings learn to make early in life are lessons that only children learn differently and sometimes later. My dh grew up knowing that if there was a last serving of potatoes or whatever that it was his by default. I learned early on in our marriage to say um...'scuse me, can we share that :D? Also, most of the only children I know tend to be fairly reserved, and find large groups stressful. I make sure that my dh has a "bolt hole" at my family reunions because the noise gets to be too much after awhile. Sometimes he and the other only children in the family form their own sub-group in a smaller room. I treasure my relationships with my friends and family who are only children, but it's hard to watch only children get older and have to deal with the death of parents. I worry about that possibility for my son and nephew, and hope that they'll marry into large, welcoming, and caring families.

[Hoggirl]

I'm going to read the other replies after posting. I'm a step-daughter, wife, mother, aunt, cousin and friend to some wonderful only children. Each one of them is very (sometimes too much) conscious of the spoilt only child stereotype and tries to avoid giving people an opportunity to think that. My experience of onlies is that they are very serious about and committed to their relationships which is a good thing. However, sometimes that means I've had to ask for a leetle bit more space.

 

Also, my theory is that the rough and tumble adjustments that children with siblings learn to make early in life are lessons that only children learn differently and sometimes later. My dh grew up knowing that if there was a last serving of potatoes or whatever that it was his by default. I learned early on in our marriage to say um...'scuse me, can we share that :D? Also, most of the only children I know tend to be fairly reserved, and find large groups stressful. I make sure that my dh has a "bolt hole" at my family reunions because the noise gets to be too much after awhile. Sometimes he and the other only children in the family form their own sub-group in a smaller room. I treasure my relationships with my friends and family who are only children, but it's hard to watch only children get older and have to deal with the death of parents. I worry about that possibility for my son and nephew, and hope that they'll marry into large, welcoming, and caring families.

 

This reminded me of something that happened to me when I was working in public accounting.

 

During tax season, we worked Saturdays, and we all took turns bringing doughnuts. If it was your doughnut day, you were supposed to be there by 8:00, with most folks coming to start working between 8:00 and 8:30. Well, one Saturday, the doughnut person didn't get there until 9:15. As soon as the boxes were set on the counter everyone started grabbing doughnuts. I just stood there looking from one snatching hand to another. A co-worker looked at me and said, "You've never had to fight for food, have you?" :D Very true for the only child.

[Evergreen State Sue]

I had a friend who was an only child and she ended up having an only child. I remember her saying, "I was fine. I had my stuffed animals to keep me company." I always thought that was an odd statement and a possible sign to a social disorder. She married young, and divorced twice. I wonder if there is any thoughts about the social aspects to only children. Do they tend to look outside their family more or become introverted?

[eternalknot]

I'm one of the older kids in a large family; I knew I wanted an only child. I had one for almost five years, then had a change of heart. I now have two kids, several years apart in age -- their dynamic is an interesting one, and in some ways they function as two only children. It's been a ride, that's for sure.

 

My dad was an only child. In my childhood, there were certain things he didn't "get" or relate to. Actually, that hasn't really changed much! Even hearing his stories about relating to people at work, you can just tell that he was an only child. Not in a bad way, just in a different way. People can usually tell I'm an older child, though not always from a large family. I think family dynamic influences and/or enhances our natural personality, not exclusively but definitely in some fashion. As a general rule I believe the stereotype of the only child, but I also don't pigeon-hole all only children into that box. Some of my dad's best traits can be traced to his being an only child, same as some of my best traits can be traced to being from a large family. Also certain undesireable traits, but hey - who isn't a work in progress, right? ;)

 

I'd be irritated if I got a vibe from someone that my family was somehow lesser because I "only" had one kid - whether by choice or circumstance. And since you never know which it is, better to always keep your comments to yourself, right? Tsk, tsk to those who don't!