How to comfort a friend (stillbirth)?

[JeneralMom]

A friend of mine posted on our parenting board that at her 22 week midwife apt on Tuesday they had not been able to find a heartbeat. She suddenly realized she hadn't felt movement in a while. She had just returned from a family vacation in which they had had tons of family portraits done, pregnancy pics, etc. She went in yesterday for a sonogram and the baby had passed away two or three weeks ago. They decided to wait for the baby to be delivered naturally at home, and are making arrangements to have the baby buried on the family farm. Their 4 yo DD is really hurting. My friend says the most horrible part is waiting for the baby to be delivered. She is hurting and I don't know what to do for her. She has family around her, but I was wondering if those who have experienced a stillbirth could let me know what you wish your friends had done for you, if anything at all. Do I wait for the baby to be delivered, or do I do something now?

 

I hurt so badly for her because she really wants a large family and this would have been their 3rd (2nd girl).

[Whereneverever]

Be there. Drop off food- especially little kid friendly food. Maybe a small present for the big sister. Offer to take the little girl for a play date so the parents can have some alone time to grieve. Let her talk- even if it makes you uncomfortable.

 

:grouphug:

[MariannNOVA]

Be there. Drop off food- especially little kid friendly food. Maybe a small present for the big sister. Offer to take the little girl for a play date so the parents can have some alone time to grieve. Let her talk- even if it makes you uncomfortable.

 

:grouphug:

 

I'm so sorry for your friend's loss. Everything mentioned above is what I would do - especially the play dates as the parents do indeed need some private time to grieve. My dd31 suffered the same thing just before Thanksgiving -- she needed someone to go get her clothes as her maternity clothes become too large almost immediately even though she still looked pg - she did not want to go out ANYWHERE b/c she did not want people asking her when she was due. It occured to me that this is probably a fairly common reaction so perhaps you could help by running errands for her.

 

I took my two grand daughters for hours and days at a time so Stacey could just sit and cry and read and absorb what had happened.

 

There are a number of books that I sent to her, my son in law, and my grand-daughters (the books needed to be read to them). And, she found solace and information on grieving boards that she located.

 

Prayers for your friend.:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: You are a good friend to want to help her. I did feel helpless alot of the time, but Stacey assured me that just having someone there was a comfort -- we didn't need to be talking all the time. I did spend alot of time just holding her as she cried.

[Sahamamama]

I have never experienced this loss personally. A close friend of mine did a few years ago, and she told me that something I did was a comfort to her.

 

She said that when she came by my house on her way back from the OB, she mentioned to me that her miscarried baby -- they named him James -- was in the car. And I said, "Oh, it's cold out there, would you like to bring him in?" She did get him (he was in a box), and we sat there talking for a while, then she left. I never knew that what I said touched my friend's heart.

 

This summer, we were all hanging out and she mentioned to me that it mattered to her that I always treated James like a real baby. She said, "When you wanted me to bring his dead little body in from the cold, it just grabbed my heart. I realized, 'She gets it. She knows he's a person to me.'"

 

And then, over the years, when my friend has mentioned that she originally wanted five children, I've said to her, "You have had five children -- J___, R____, James, and your twins, E_______ and R_______." She and her husband were :001_huh::001_huh:.

 

So, I would say, if you are close to this family, then remember their little lost baby, because that child really is a person to them, a child for which they were preparing, and she may even have a name. As the years go by, unless your friend tells you that it hurts too much, acknowledge that she had a baby named _________.

 

That there was this life that touched your friend... and you. HTH.

Edited December 25, 2010 by Sahamamama

[Murmer]

One thing that one of my friends didn't realize was all the things they had signed up for like registry's, baby tickers/counters and company's they had contacted like Similac. They wished that there was someone who could take them off all the "baby" lists because each time they got something (similac is for a year) they were reminded of the baby they lost. So if you could figure out a way to contact them for her that might help.

[melissel]

I have never experienced this loss personally. A close friend of mine did a few years ago, and she told me that something I did was a comfort to her.

 

She said that when she came by my house on her way back from the OB, she mentioned to me that her miscarried baby -- they named him James -- was in the car. And I said, "Oh, it's cold out there, would you like to bring him in?" She did get him (he was in a box), and we sat there talking for a while, then she left. I never knew that what I said touched my friend's heart.

 

This summer, we were all hanging out and she mentioned to me that it mattered to her that I always treated James like a real baby. She said, "When you wanted me to bring his dead little body in from the cold, it just grabbed my heart. I realized, 'She gets it. She knows he's a person to me.'"

 

And then, over the years, when my friend has mentioned that she originally wanted five children, I've said to her, "You have had five children -- J___, R____, James, and your twins, E_______ and R_______." She and her husband were :001_huh::001_huh:.

 

So, I would say, if you are close to this family, then remember their little lost baby, because that child really is a person to them, a child for which they were preparing, and she may even have a name. As the years go by, unless your friend tells you that it hurts too much, acknowledge that she had a baby named _________.

 

That there was this life that touched your friend... and you. HTH.

 

:crying:

[texasmama]

:grouphug: It might be a kindness to offer to keep the other kids when the actual birth takes place, giving her permission to call you in the middle of the night, etc., if she would prefer to handle the birth without her other children.

[colleenebeans]

:crying:

I have never experienced this loss personally. A close friend of mine did a few years ago, and she told me that something I did was a comfort to her.

 

She said that when she came by my house on her way back from the OB, she mentioned to me that her miscarried baby -- they named him James -- was in the car. And I said, "Oh, it's cold out there, would you like to bring him in?" She did get him (he was in a box), and we sat there talking for a while, then she left. I never knew that what I said touched my friend's heart.

 

This summer, we were all hanging out and she mentioned to me that it mattered to her that I always treated James like a real baby. She said, "When you wanted me to bring his dead little body in from the cold, it just grabbed my heart. I realized, 'She gets it. She knows he's a person to me.'"

 

And then, over the years, when my friend has mentioned that she originally wanted five children, I've said to her, "You have had five children -- J___, R____, James, and your twins, E_______ and R_______." She and her husband were :001_huh::001_huh:.

 

So, I would say, if you are close to this family, then remember their little lost baby, because that child really is a person to them, a child for which they were preparing, and she may even have a name. As the years go by, unless your friend tells you that it hurts too much, acknowledge that she had a baby named _________.

 

That there was this life that touched your friend... and you. HTH.

[dancer67]

I have been in this position and my heart aches for her.

 

I wanted to deny everything and pretend it didn't even happen.

 

Everyone is so different that it is hard to offer advice. I am not sure how she is handling things right now. IOW, is she so devastated she is refusing to talk to anyone, or is she going about her life to the best of her ability until the delivery takes place. It is hard to know what to do.

 

I can tell you that you could offer to bring food over, and maybe take her children. If she is religious, pray with her.

 

Do not ever say you know how she feels. Don't ever say you can always try again. And never say "It has been X amount of months it is time to stop grieving now". Oh how I would hate that.

And the other "But she was ONLY X amount of weeks" grrr......

 

Hug her, cry with her if she allows it. Tell her you will always be there for her if she just wants to talk.

 

I am really, truly sorry for her loss.:grouphug:

[newlifemom]

First of all :grouphug: to your friend.

 

The best advice I can give you is to tell her how very sorry you are. I had one friend who did that. She just hugged me and told me how sorry she was.

 

If you are close, I say be there. Let her tell you to go home. Most people don't want to bother anybody, but honestly, dealing with these things is tough. Plus, life goes on and dishes have to be done and bathrooms cleaned, groceries need to be bought. KWIM?

 

Most important though, tell her your sorry. :grouphug:

[Thea]

Be there. Drop off food- especially little kid friendly food. Maybe a small present for the big sister. Offer to take the little girl for a play date so the parents can have some alone time to grieve. Let her talk- even if it makes you uncomfortable.

 

:grouphug:

 

 

All of this. I so appreciated the above when we lost our first ds at 36 weeks. The waiting to deliver is beyond terrible-- I'm so sorry. :grouphug:

[MariannNOVA]

All of this. I so appreciated the above when we lost our first ds at 36 weeks. The waiting to deliver is beyond terrible-- I'm so sorry. :grouphug:

 

DD31 waited two weeks to deliver -- it was horrible -- she did not want to leave the house b/c she didn't want people asking her when she was due. And, everything that everyone has written here -- YES! As I read the other replies, all of this is/was true for dd31. She is unable to be around newborns or infants or pg women. This will pass but right now that is how she is and her feelings are her feelings -- I've made an effort to validate her feelings every minute of every day -- I think it has helped her. Just yesterday, Christmas Eve, she told me that she and her dh put a little Christmas tree in the room that was going to be Robert's nursery -- And the things that dancer67 said 'not to say' -- :iagree::iagree::iagree:X 1000000. Very wise advice.:grouphug:

[Tammyla]

:iagree: You offer to help, shop, cook, clean, take the kids and listen to her. Prepare your heart to be comfortable with not being able to fix it/her.

 

Be there. Drop off food- especially little kid friendly food. Maybe a small present for the big sister. Offer to take the little girl for a play date so the parents can have some alone time to grieve. Let her talk- even if it makes you uncomfortable.

 

:grouphug:

[DebbS]

I also agree with the things dancer67 suggested not to say. They don't help.

 

Being there, listening, praying with her, helping in anyway you can. And it okay to cry with her too.