Vent on dd and need advice

[Penny_P]

DD almost 8 has always been a bit selfish and difficult. Believe me I've been trying to teach her to be deeper and less self-centered for YEARS. She is a bit lazy, too. One reason on my list to homeschool her, specifically, was that I felt she needed someone to help her achieve her personal best (at ps I felt she was trying to get away with the bare minimum.) When she focusses she does beautiful work. She's creative and loves artsy stuff. But, every. single. morning. it's a battle to get through school. Maybe I'm a mean mom, but spelling, grammar, writing numbers correctly, and punctuation are VERY important. She cries and screams that she doesn't get it before she even looks at the work or listens to any explanation. Her curriculum is grade level, if not a little "behind" for catch up I feel she needs. She goes to time out (the bathroom) daily for her uncooperative behavior. It's very important to me that she do the the r's before we get to the fun stuff, like art and history. But, I'm so burned out after spending HOURS on what should take <60 minutes, that I haven't put much energy into the projects that she would enjoy.

 

Frankly, it really makes me angry. So angry I probably yell more than I should. So... options.

 

1) I had decided to hs for a year as a trial, but to re-eval in January how things were going and fix problems then. Is there a more creative approach to discipline or schooling that I'm not aware of, maybe, that would encourage a better attitude? (That doesn't require shelling out a ton of money?)

 

2) Going back to a ps or a charter school is looking VERY tempting. She says she misses other kids, and doesn't want to hs. (Actually, she says that she doesn't want to go to school at all, but would rather go back to another school.) We ARE involved with several groups and activities, but it's not every day, and certainly doesn't compare with the amount of time she would be spending at a school with other kids. DH says I should give it the full year, but he's at work all day, and is sort of just trusting that everything works out OK. He thinks only homeschooling dyslexic ds (who has blossomed at hs) would make him even more socially awkward than he already is. (He used to sit by himself at recess at ps. :( ) Right now I feel like I just want to pawn her off on someone else and let them deal with her disrespect, disinterest, and general brattiness.

 

Advice? Especially from those who aren't opposed to charter/ps options.

[SonshineLearner]

Well, as someone who has an older daughter, too, I'd say evaluate where you want her in a few years. Think about if it's just an issue where you need to buckle down and try for a good discipline strategy. Letting her fall now, is easier than later.... :( I don't know... if I had it to do again, I'd do something like a "3 strikes you're out" and stick to it. Maybe try... you can have three chances, then school is done for the day. (and the consequence, something like sitting in her room the rest of the day... no anything...) at a certain time.. come out for dinner and bed.

Only you know if this would work after a while... (of course... you'll have to decide how long you could do this.)

It's hard... but the obedience/cooperation... doesn't come by sending them to school.

:( Sorry :( It's not an easy road!

:(

[Tidbits of Learning]

I have a dd10 whom we brought home last year. It was a difficult year. She is a very selfish, self-centered child. She can be sweet also, but she definitely thinks of her wants before anything else.

I was blunt and told her that if she continued to only think of herself that no one would want to be around her. I told her if we didn't school, then if she went back to ps she would be behind and in a lower grade. I told her that it was my job to school her and that if she wouldn't school for me she could go back, but by that point she would not have tested with her grade level. We had such a rough first 6 months.

My suggestion is to be blunt and honest. If she wants to go back to school or you feel the need to send her, she still needs to school for you and be on track if and when that should occur.

[gardening momma]

It's hard... but the obedience/cooperation... doesn't come by sending them to school.

I agree, and would go as far as saying there's a discipline/obedience problem that is there regardless of the schooling taking place. That needs to be addressed.

[Hedgehog]

My first thought is that you've taken them out of PS and it sounds like you've gone straight into HS (is that right?), and your DD is complaining of missing being with other kids. I think I would just leave all the academic stuff for a while - like completely - and just let the dust settle, let them de-school and move away from the institution mindset. Have some fun. Get the crafts out, let them play outside, just relax. Go to some homeschool groups, and try to find one that you could see yourself attending fairly regularly even when you start the academics again. Encourage all your DC to help out with chores, make them fun, sing songs, silly dances, whatever it takes to help them settle into being at home with you and seeing that it can be great. Give it a month - maybe even a few months - and see where you're at with her attitude.

 

I'm very much a believer in horses for courses. HS isn't for everyone, really. There are some kids that just love school, and that's fine. If your DD ends up back in school after this academic year, with your other DC at home, then that's okay.

 

With regard to her general attitude of selfishness, I would say that neither PS nor HS will solve anything - that is to say, there are many selfish HSed kids that I know, and and I also know many kind and selfless PSed kids. It will come with time; just keep working on it. Rome wasn't built in a day. Some kids just struggle with this more than others. With my DDs, who are apt to be as selfish as any from time to time, I look for ways to encourage them to be generous and kind in the context of their siblings and their dad, and in the wider context of church and the neighborhood. For example I might get them to help me make a really nice supper for DH, or to make cookies for someone who's just moved in locally.

 

HTH. Hedgehog x

[Denise in Florida]

Just my opinion :001_smile:. She is very young, you might look into relaxed/unschool or delayed academics.

 

For my youngest dd I needed to reduce the 'school' work to a bare minimum and cut out all the fluff/busy work. She absolutely could not tolerate any of the extension/enrichment activities her curriculum suggested. Just the facts ma'am. I ended up using a timer and any lesson that couldn't be completed in 15 minutes was divided up for another day. Since she could see that it wasn't forever she was able to concentrate and get it over with.

 

With the extra time she ended up doing a lot of creative and interesting things. They just weren't 'school work'.

 

Of course, any changes you make have to suit you as well as your dd.

I hope you find a solution that works for you.

[PentecostalMom]

... but the obedience/cooperation... doesn't come by sending them to school.

 

 

So true! If the behavioral issues are not resolved at home, they will then have to be resolved at school. Nip it now, it only gets worse as they get older if character issues are not dealt with at a young age.

 

One semester, we let ds go to school because of similar reasons. The issues intensified and we brought back home & went through some of the Doorposts materials with him. Hang in there, Mom! :grouphug:

[Greta]

I think at her age it's okay to do really short lessons. And let her know that if she concentrates and tries, you will reward her with that more fun stuff. Don't let the whole school day just be drudgery for her. (I have to remind myself of this too! I'm not pointing a finger at you or anything.)

 

You might look into Charlotte Mason - I especially like the Simply Charlotte Mason DVD seminar. She talks about working with your kids up until just before their eyes glaze over with boredom. Then you gradually push that to more time - just a little tiny nudge at a time. That way, you can built their attention span and "academic endurance" without heartache and stress.

 

Just a thought, but if you do want to check it out, it's here: http://simplycharlottemason.com/books/all-day-charlotte-mason-seminar-on-dvd/

[justamouse]

First, :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:.

 

I'm going to chorus everyone else. What you are trying to correct is going to be a problem no matter where she schools. And, perhaps you should try decompressing a bit. Now is a great time, too with the holiday's coming up.

 

Taking time off is not 'letting her win, nor is finding currics that she may enjoy more. Kids coming straight from PS to HS need to find their balance, they need that time to let go of stress and get accustomed to the family being around all the time.

 

If I were you, I would stop spelling, switch to Singapore math, do a much easier grammar if you must do one at all (or, say, MCT)-something that has more ease in the presentation, read aloud, narrations, and copywork (not paragraphs). Nothing more than 1/2 hour.

 

I learned this the hard way with my 19 yo. If you push too hard, if you demand, you could shut her down completely, you'll put her back in school and she will have won. That is not what you want. You want her to be kind, compassionate, have empathy, love learning, and get a good education.

 

You offered that she is artsy-and that's a HUGE observation. She's not going to be a kid that can sit in a chair and spit out rote drill (rip Saxon up). She's not that student. But you have to willing to not be That Teacher-and putting aside how we learn to teach our children the way they need to be taught is one of the hardest lessons of homeschooling-especially when the two are in conflict.

 

Spend some days on the couch reading together. Have her narrate back to you. If she does (she may need some coaching) she'll have learned it. Have her illustrate a paragraph of copywork. Add in art/her particular bend in every subject if you can (Singapore is very visual at those levels and she may enjoy it much more).

 

HTH

 

:grouphug:

[Chris in VA]

You tried the stick--maybe try the carrot?

You sound impatient with her need to be artsy, and like maybe you aren't that way?

Could you possibly bend a bit with the need to get the basics done before the fun stuff, and maybe incorporate more of the basics into the fun stuff? Kind of how SWB does the activities and fiction books to lend some fun to history instead of just reading a textbook.

 

I agree you need to take some time to deal with your own attitude, gain back some bonding, and sort of regroup.

 

Even when something isn't working, it's sometimes hard to let it go, because we feel it "should" be right. But I do think it's important for you to fix the relationship between you and your dd--your need to be schooling a certain way may need an overhaul.

 

Sorry--I know it's hard, believe me.

[Penny_P]

Thank you. You have all given me good things to chew on. We (mostly) took the summer off before starting into school in mid-August, and for our first real break I've scheduled the whole week off for Thanksgiving. I'm also planning three weeks at Christmas. I think I need it as much as the kids. (DH is wondering why we would take ANY time off. :001_huh:)

 

Homeschooling I pictured us having more time for crafts and cooking activities and strolling through museums....(even though I'm not particularly into it, I know the kids would enjoy it), and I have been disappointed NOT to find that time. Between the sibling rivalry, dd complaining, the goop destroying/fussing/needing mommy, and trying to keep house there doesn't seem time for fun. Really, I don't get it. One buys all that curriculum that is neatly divided up into the right amount of weeks to make a school year, and then I read how people are still finishing it up in July. That idea frustrates me. I feel like BOTH my kids are starting behind (another reason that I pulled them from ps and felt like they needed remediation), and if circumstances change I would like them to be able to mainstream without difficulty, so I don't want to slack too much. I really worry about that.

 

Anyway, thanks for the insight, I'll spend more time going through your posts tonight....

[dcjlkplus3]

I struggle with my oldest with this. She is 9 now and we still have days like this, but there were more of them last year I think (or maybe I'm just hoping).

 

What helped me the most (other than a sympathetic husband) was realizing that if she went to school, we would still be struggling with these same issues - but about homework rather than schoolwork and that the limited time I would have with her in day would be covered with a greater percentage of the unpleasantness.

 

:grouphug: I hear it gets better by 13 or 14 and I am really holding on to that.