I am not cut out to homeschool

[Mom 2 3]

I am feeling so helpless and confused. I am in tears as I am writing this. My ds is 7. I know that he has ADD and Dyslexia. I am making adjustments in my teaching style and materials with him. It is so frustrating to teach him. My pediatrician recommended educational testing for him. The initial visit is $150 then $125 per hour for the testing. Ouch!! Would we benefit from testing? My husband is against any kind of testing. He is very against medication. He feels that I don't discipline enough. (My children are very disciplined.) He says that if I would just discipline ds, he could pay attention. Dh doesn't understand because he is not doing the teaching.

 

I am considering public school for next year. I love ds dearly. I feel as though I am harming our relationship. I get so frustrated teaching him. I usually let out a sigh of disappointment when he misses another question. He is trying to please me. He usually tears up. I have just stopped school for the day because I don’t feel as though I can sit with him any longer. I hate that I feel this way. I want to be a positive mom and teacher. I feel as though I am not cut out to homeschool my ds with learning problems. I am the only person that feels this way?

[Tami]

I am feeling so helpless and confused. I am in tears as I am writing this. My ds is 7. I know that he has ADD and Dyslexia. I am making adjustments in my teaching style and materials with him. It is so frustrating to teach him. My pediatrician recommended educational testing for him. The initial visit is $150 then $125 per hour for the testing. Ouch!! Would we benefit from testing? My husband is against any kind of testing. He is very against medication. He feels that I don't discipline enough. (My children are very disciplined.) He says that if I would just discipline ds, he could pay attention. Dh doesn't understand because he is not doing the teaching.

 

I am considering public school for next year. I love ds dearly. I feel as though I am harming our relationship. I get so frustrated teaching him. I usually let out a sigh of disappointment when he misses another question. He is trying to please me. He usually tears up. I have just stopped school for the day because I don’t feel as though I can sit with him any longer. I hate that I feel this way. I want to be a positive mom and teacher. I feel as though I am not cut out to homeschool my ds with learning problems. I am the only person that feels this way?

 

 

 

Oh, Mom 2 3, my heart just aches for you. My suggestion? Get a new pediatrician who is more knowlegeable about adhd kids. I have btdt with the judgement thing. It does not get better! Find a new doc who will support you in your difficult journey, not judge and belittle you.

 

You know, God is not finished with you. THe hardest part of HSIng is to work on our OWN character. It is a daily process of learning, growing, and changing. I can say that if your child irritates you so much, can you imagine the negative reactions he is going to get from other kids? On your worst day, you are not as mean as playground kids who are going to pick on a kid who is different, so relax. :D

 

I am learning how to adjust my expectations to the amount of work that my dd can tolerate, without comparing to what others can do.

 

I am learning that I am not a bad parent if I need a break.

 

I am learning that adhd kids "look" undisciplined to the outside world, and I no longer condemn those who judge me. It is my job to do what is best for my child, not to worry about what others think. I pray for 'those people' to come to a place of greater grace and mercy.

 

I am learning to find my child's strengths and use those to overcome weaknesses, never spending more than 50% of the day on weakness.

 

I am learning that each child has their own timetable for learning, and it may or may not jive with The Official Scope and Sequence of Brand X publisher. I just teach my child right where she is, strive for consistency, and progress from there.

 

I am learning that this is a road shared by many homeschool parents. Support is so important so that you realize that many of us are struggling with the same things you are. If you are a Christian, I suggest ADD of the Christian Kind (run a Google) for online support. Don't try to walk this journey all alone.

 

I am learning to stear clear of NP's (negative persons). You know, the kind who are always on those fault-finding missions and who make me feel like my child is not enough and I am not enough. I seek out people who will affirm, love, and show kindness to us through our challenges.

 

Do you want advice on educational testing? If you can afford it go for it. If you can't, just use materials and methods designed for dyslexic students and see how it goes. Check the special needs board for suggestions. I have some curriculum that has worked well for our ADHDer at my blog. See siggy line.

 

What you are going through is normal. It will get better if you are willing to learn new things, and make a decision to grow. It will help if you get some support of parents of ADHDers, so you can get constructive ideas on how to best deal with issues that pop up.

 

I am out of time right now, but please feel free to PM me. I am also willing to be contacted by phone.

 

Blessings to you in all your decisions.

[Rod Everson]

I am feeling so helpless and confused. I am in tears as I am writing this. My ds is 7. I know that he has ADD and Dyslexia. I am making adjustments in my teaching style and materials with him. It is so frustrating to teach him. My pediatrician recommended educational testing for him.

 

Hi,

 

Before trying the educational testing, consider taking your son to a developmental optometrist for a vision evaluation. At least rule out the possibility of a vision skills problem before spending a bunch of money elsewhere, especially if there is any history of reading difficulty running in your family.

 

Here is a Vision Assessment Checklist that can help you determine whether you should be concerned about vision issues. I've found in my private reading practice that a large percentage of struggling readers are dealing with these vision issues and that once they're addressed the child is much easier to teach.

 

Rod Everson

OnTrack Reading

[Mom 2 3]

Thanks. We just complete 24 session of VT. I have seen a difference in his reading. We are struggling with spelling.

[elbac]

THe hardest part of HSIng is to work on our OWN character. It is a daily process of learning, growing, and changing.

 

So, very, very true! I think that has been my biggest lesson.

 

Maybe someone can advise better how to go about it, but I think that it is vitally important that your husband understand what the issues are, and not wrongly presume that it is just a discipline issue. As you well know, it is not. It makes the struggle ever more difficult when you aren't getting the support you need in your own home. If that can't be done, it's of even more importance to get the help and support you need from outside sources.

 

Just a few things to ponder. Are your expectations realistic for your son? Is your frustration really with your son? Or is your frustration more of the fact that he's not doing what you feel he should be - whether that is the actual task at hand at any current moment, or the actual level of work in itself?

 

I know I've had to step back a few times (ok, probably more than a few) when it comes to our ds. He's very bright, but completely lacks the ability to impose any self-discipline on himself. I've struggled with even beginning to understand why he would do, or not do, things the way he does. Which is compounded by the fact that it isn't that the work is actually difficult for him, as in understanding the xyz, it is more of getting him to actually DO the xyz. Some days we do put things off, because he's just not in a place where I know he'll focus enough to actually get anything from a lesson.

 

Bottom line, for me, was to finally realize that those times where I was so frustrated and angry, that it was mostly me! And yes, there were times I probably would have seriously considered putting him in public school if it didn't mean we would have to move first. I pulled the kids out of the ps here for a reason! lol Oh, and do I still get frustrated and angry at times? Of course. I'm not perfect, I'm a mom. :D

[kRenee]

You are Not the only person who feels this way. It took me awhile to realize that I need to have different goals with my ds. He just cannot accomplish things as quickly or in the same manner as my dd. Once you adjust your expectations you will not feel so fustrated.

 

Your husband needs to get on board and see ADD for what it is. I am also against medication, but I am not against supplementation with vitamins and minerals. Read the book Healing the New Childhood Epidiemics by Kenneth Bock. He has a chapter on supplementation that is very good. I hope it helps your ds.

 

I wouldn't get educational testing. Since you are homeschooling you know what works and what doesn't work for teaching your ds.

 

I would talk to the public school. Find out what services they have to offer and whether they are pro-medication. More information will help you decide what is best for your ds.

[Reya]

Get testing through the school district if you can! Use their resources to the fullest extent possible *first.*

[mindytom121]

Two years ago my now 8 year old daughter was diagnosed through the school district as Learning Disabled. They also recommended I have her tested for ADHD, which I did. We had struggled from Sept. to Dec. with learning letter sounds. Every day we had to start over again and I was sooooo frustrated. (This was all going on during the testing and meetings and diagnosing). Finally, out of desperation my husband and I made the decision to try medication. Within 2 weeks she had learned all her letter sounds and began to blend sounds! What really amazed me was when she said "Mom, I like school now. I'm not dumb!" It also broke my heart becaue I never realized how inferior she felt as she quietly compared herself to her sister. I am not advocating medication here, but it has helped us tremendously. For years and years I was against it and always believed it was overused. Sometimes I still worry and fret about it especially if I read too much by people who are like I was. When that happens my pediatrician usually gently reminds me that if my daughter had diabetes would I deny her medication? Please do not think that I am trying to say this would be best for your son. You are his mother and you know what is best for him. I know from experience how hard it can be to parent a child with ADD issues so I do not want to add any guilt or confusion here. You are a good mom and doing the best you can in difficult circumstances. Hang in there and read all you can and learn how to help your son. I have always found that if I know what a problem is I can learn about it and then find the best way to help my daughter.

 

Mindy Tom

mom or 6 daughters

[Anne]

(((Mom 2 3)))

 

Do you know any experienced homeschooling moms In Real Life that would be willing to help you out? I know it is frustrating when you can't see how to help your child properly! Do you have a local support group? Having someone help you evaluate your expectations and concerns might be very helpful.

 

You mentioned that you are struggling with spelling. I just wanted to tell you that this is NOT unusual for a 7 yo! When one of my dds was 7, she had just started reading and couldn't spell for beans. Her spelling was dreadful until she was about 13, and then it improved quite a bit.

 

Anne

[Mom4Jesus]

When I get frustrated with homeschooling God reminds me to stop looking at the world's standards and putting pressure on myself to perform or force my children to learn specific things by a specific time. Each child is different and they each have a unique calling. Try focusing on the things your child enjoys and look for creative ways to teach him things, like music CD's for math facts, etc. Take plenty of breaks and don't beat yourself up. Does he have a sport he enjoys to help run off some energy?

 

Have you considered seeing taking your son to a naturapath? Diet can be an important factor in how we humans function. I know personally if I eat too much sugar and processed foods I am mentally sluggish, and also physically. When I eat really well I feel so much better. Sometimes even if a child eats very healthy there can be certain foods (even healhty ones) that they are allergic too.

[elizam]

I comletely understand because I have been there and still am there to some extent!

 

With my oldest, he was a big challenge and we didn't "believe in" ADHD, so we didn't find out if he had it or not, and we just went round and round about discipline, making all of us miserable.

 

Dh pushed for PS and ds didn't want that. Eventually he went in 7th grade, a very BAD time to go to PS, especially after being out of it since 2nd grade. He did terrible, had lots of academic and bullying problems, hung out with bad kids, got grouped with bad kids and low grade kids, etc.

 

So guess what? He is now on the low track in PS high school and says he doesn't want to be homeschooled because PS is more "interesting." I understand his need to be around more people. He is very sociable. He also is naive and gets involved with kids he shouldn't.

 

You'd think we would learn from this experience. yet now my dh pushes for PS whenever he gets concerned about any problems we are having. Our younger ds acts very ADHD also, but not as irritatingly so as my older one did. THis one is very sensitive so I deal with tears, low self esteen, etc.

 

My youngest, a girl, is the most "hyper" and makes me feel like I am losing my mind most days.

 

But what I see in PS scares and disturbs me SO MUCH I really don't want to put anyone else in and I wish my oldest would come home and do dual enrollement at the community college when he is 16, get a job, etc.

 

There is supposed to be a book called How to Get Your Kid Off the Refrigerator and Onto Learning or something like that. I need to read it myself!

 

I got educated about ADHD and quit reading all the "ADD is a biy myth and conspiracy" books and decided that meds were a real option. We are currently experimenting with them for my oldest and I would not be opposed to my younger ones taking them if need be.

 

We do supplement with vitamins and Omega 3 (nordic naturals), but I don't see a huge difference using JUST those. Our diets are pretty healthy.

 

Exercise and fun are vital for any child, especially ADHD ones, but PS typically does not provide much of that, and they do things like ban tag and punish the kids for not getting done with assignments by keeping them in at recess, so guess which kids are doing work all day and not getting recess at all?

 

I think homeschool is much better, but it can be HARD....trust me....I know!

[elizam]

Here are some resources for you:

 

Additude magazine and website http://www.additudemag.com

 

http://millermom.proboards107.com

 

http://adhdnews.com

 

 

Delivered From Distraction and other books by Ned Hallowell

[Kathy in MD]

didn't have the knowlege and patience to teach him. The right school situation could be very beneficial to your entire family at this time. If you can find the right teacher, one who has patience and allowed to work with her students at their level, you may have a good situation. (We found it at a private Montessori school.) However, if you choose school for a while, you need to be watching and learning as much as you can from the master teacher, both in what to expect and how to handle learning problems.

 

I do wish I had brought him home for school a few years earlier, but I don't regret his spending grades 1-3 in school while he received therapy and I learned how to teach to his problems.

 

On the subject of ADD, many non-ADD problems display all the symptoms of ADD. Also these same problems may co-exist with ADD. And by treating these other problems, you can reduce or eliminate the need for ADD meds. Rod mentioned one of these, developmental vision problems. Given your ds's dyslexia, I'd test for that first. The others problems are Sensory processing Disorder and food allergies. Though I haven't seen it listed as displaying ADD symptoms, I'd think auditory processing problems would also result in ADD-like symptoms.

 

One of my teaching problems even now is becoming frustrated. Unfortunately even if I hold in the sigh of frustration, my body will stiffen and that alone was enough to upset my ds when he was younger. One thing that's helped was having my ds grade his own work. I read the answers and he marks it correct or wrong. Then I can review it away from my ds so I can handle my frustration better.

[Elinor Everywhere]

Finally, out of desperation my husband and I made the decision to try medication. Within 2 weeks she had learned all her letter sounds and began to blend sounds! What really amazed me was when she said "Mom, I like school now. I'm not dumb!" It also broke my heart becaue I never realized how inferior she felt as she quietly compared herself to her sister. I am not advocating medication here, but it has helped us tremendously. For years and years I was against it and always believed it was overused.

 

This was my experience, too. I was anti-medicine and wouldn't dream of giving anything that wasn't purely natural to my son. By the time he was 9 I was in tears almost every Friday--because of my own frustrations and irritation. I felt so badly for him, and yet I couldn't seem to help myself from snapping at him. I starting talking about putting him in school, because I'm just not cut out to teach a child with learn disabilities (or so I thought).

 

At this point my dh intervened, and took my son to the doctor (a neuropsych & developmental pediatrician had previously told us he was ADD but I refused to listen because of the over-labeling). The doc said to try Adderall, and if he needed it we would know instantly. So, against my maternal instincts we gave him a pill, but didn't really tell him what it was for, because I wanted to gauge his reaction to it with no placebo affect.

 

Well, it was dramatic. We'd seen the same result before, when we were having him drink an espresso shot every morning, but the pill lasted longer (6 hours) and didn't keep him awake at night. He could focus on his work, finish a task, and remember instructions for longer than 2 minutes. This happened within 30 minutes of taking the pill. No more playing with his pencil, falling off his chair on purpose, staring aimlessly out the window, etc. It was amazing!

 

The best part is that HE can tell such a difference. He said it was like his brain quieted down, and he could think. When he's had a pill, he can talk coherently, without it (on certain days) he tends to think things but they get all jumbled up in his brain and can't come out his mouth in a way that makes sense.

 

He takes a low dose most days, 5 mg. Some days he takes 10 mg, and I can tell just by looking at him when he walks out of his bedroom what kind of day it will be. He's now 10, and I usually allow him to decide if he needs 5 or 10--he can figure it out by how well he's thinking and talking.

 

Good luck figuring it all out.

[sweetbaby]

:iagree:((big hug))) to you! I second the second pedi opinion. I also think you should take a deep breath and a break to recoop.

 

We did have our son tested at age 9 and again at 15 as if it was going to be different, I guess. We paid for a private school psychologist via our insurance. She was part of our network and we paid the copay etc. It only confirmed what we already knew. I pray for guidance for you and your dh. I know if can be frustrating.

[Natalieclare]

First of all, :grouphug: a big hug is in order! I know when my son was 7, I spent several afternoons crying and praying at my dear friend's kitchen table. It was a very taxing time. We were, at that time, very committed to avoiding medication. (Dietary changes, omegas, zinc, elimination of sugar and dye, vision testing, alternative types of teaching, etc etc etc)

 

Fast forward to year 11 for my dear son...he was getting so discouraged with himself, we realized we couldn't NOT try medication and really do the best by him.

 

In order for him to obtain a diagnosis, our pediatrician required us to get an assessment from a psychologist. (I would do things slightly differently at this point but there were extenuating circumstances that necessitated this) After the initial add/adhd testing, the psychologist asked us if we wanted to do a learning disability assessment. I told him I was intimately acquainted with my son's learning issues! Did he have a test for my son to take that would specifically spell out how those issues would best be addressed? No, he did not. He only had tests to tell me there was a gap between my son's function and his potential. DUH! I thanked him for his concern, but declined the test, which he told me later he completely understood.

 

We are still considering doing more extensive educational testing, but I want to make sure that the tests we take will actually lead us to, appropriate remediation, not just tell us what we already know to the tune of $1200 or more!

 

So, all I'm saying is, don't go for any old educational diagnosis. Make sure that the tests/assessments will lead you to an actual path for fixing the problem.

 

Does that make any sense? I have what Mel Levine calls "output failure"--it's very hard for me to get my thoughts out in a coherent manner. :)

[Rosie_0801]

A lot of ADD and dyslexia can be improved significantly by omega 3 supplements. Have you tried that? It certainly won't do any harm :)

Perhaps your style of teaching is not working for you both. He's still pretty young. Many similar kids I've read about have benefited more from unschooling/natural learning. Perhaps you need to find ways to relax, and by that I don't mean throwing discipline to the wind. If you've not read any unschooling stuff, try it. I'm autocratic by nature, so while I believe in the classical model, I read the unschooling stuff anyway. It's good for my character ;)

Your hubby isn't the only one to know little about children. My dad had three, and I still shake my head at the dumb stuff he comes out with.

Maybe you just need a new approach. Or a holiday...

:)

Rosie

[siloam]

Thanks. We just complete 24 session of VT. I have seen a difference in his reading. We are struggling with spelling.

 

I managed to graduate PS with a 3 + grade average (can't remember exactly). I started college early, during my senior year because they didn't know what to do with me. Despite that I still couldn't spell. Seriously, I onces misspelled which 4 different ways in the same document and that was in my 20's after college. :001_huh:

 

My spelling is actually the best is has ever been, since I have had to teach it, though I still am not a great speller.

 

My point is that PS isn't necessarily better, or the answer, and his weaknesses are not a reflexion on you.

 

((hugs)) Just keep on swimming....

Heather