Unsupportive family?

[tntgoodwin]

Hi, this is my first post here, so I will start by introducing my family. We are currently a military family of 4 - dd4, dd2, wifey, and myself all living in Hawaii.

We are trying to decide what to do with dd4 next fall. My wife was homeschooled her entire life, but isn't sure that she is up to the task of teaching dd4 (will be 5 then) with a toddler around (and possibly a newborn at the time). She doesn't feel confident in her ability to teach dd, and give the other one the attention she needs.

 

The school dd would go to is one of the better ones around, and there is also a Public Charter School that we are thinking about trying to get her into.

My biggest thing is that I want someone teaching my daughter who is passionate about teaching. Whether that is Mom, or a teacher at a PS doesn't really matter to me at her age. If she does end up going to PS, I intend to supplement that at home.

My wife always thought she would HS, and her mother assumes she will. Every time my wife brings up the possibility of letting dd go to a PS, she is very clearly disapproving. My wife and her mom have always been close, and now we have moved thousands of miles away (which was hard on them both). My wife is afraid of alienating her mother if she chooses to have dd go to PS.

We are leaning about 65-70% towards sending her to one of the PS, especially if she gets into the charter school.

Any suggestions on what to do here? If we do decide she won't be exclusively hs, any ideas on how to tell my MIL?

[NanceXToo]

I agree.

 

K can be SO laid back, it does NOT need to be overly academic or time consuming. I just started my son on Oak Meadow K (which I love, it's hands on and gentle, not pushing academics at that early age) and it's DEFINITELY taking under an hour a day. Sometimes we do it in the morning, sometimes in the afternoon, sometimes in the evening; whenever's convenient on any given day.

 

I think if your wife's only concern is that she might not be "up to the task," well, K doesn't have to be much of a task. Most of a 5 y/o's day should be free play and imagining and creating and just being around the family and pitching in to help in whatever way a five year old can with household chores. Add in some music, some read alouds, access to some craft supplies and non-electronic toys, good old fashioned ones like puzzles and blocks, and that is really all a K'er needs.

 

You'd be surprised how much they pick up just from play and conversation and kid's TV shows and whatnot.

 

If, on the other hand, your wife has just decided she does not want to homeschool regardless, then I agree that it's just as simple as telling her mom exactly what Cadam said above!

 

Funny, though, usually people here are worried that their parents are against homeschooling, not for it! :D

[NightOwlMama]

I have read studies that say no matter how creative or wonderful a caregiver or teacher is - especially at this age - the child does better with the parent. Age 5 can be quite young to go to school and they will be in school for such a long time - which makes this a special opportunity to have some more time with your child and they with you. I do understand your wife's feelings of perhaps wondering if it will be too much because mine are 364 days apart. When we lived in Germany I didn't think I could handle them even though I come from a HUGE family and thought I would have a large one also. You just don't know how you will feel or what you will really want to do until you are in the situation. If your wife had a nice curriculum that laid everything out and made it simple perhaps that would help? There are so many great ones out there! I knew I wanted to homeschool this year but found it very daunting until I bought some curricula. I have a 4 and 5 yr old this year and we are going slowly through the Sonlight K and will backtrack a little and do Sonlight's P4/5 when we have all of it in the mail. The P4/5 is good and wouldn't be too overwhelming:) I have friends who send their children that age to a little school one day a week and homeschool the rest. Also, maybe there are some good homeschool co-ops near you for added support. Hope all goes well with the decision for all of you. We just got out of the military so I know how it feels to be so far away from family and it's harder to take on things like homeschooling when you are not near them. My husband was in CID and is going to be doing it on the outside now. Thank you for your service and sacrifice!

[kalphs]

"Mom, you did a great job hs'ing me but this is the best decision for us at this time."

Ditto!

Dh and I had a simliar situation with his parents in regard to home education.

In the end we stood firm while saying "This is the best decision for our child and our family."

:grouphug:

[iluvmy4blessings]

I think the bigger issue here is how you are going to handle your mother in law's reactions to decisions that you all make as a couple which she may/may not agree with. It really is not even about the homeschooling or psing issue in my mind b/c to be honest...this is not the last time you and your wife will make a decision that MIL does not necessarily support. This is just the beginning:) There are so many decisions along the way as children get older. This is just the tip of the iceberg! Ultimately , they are your children and it's your decision not Grandma's. I think that you and your wife should set a precedent early in your children's lives that these are YOUR decisions and not hers. Of course you try to do that as respectfully as possible but trust me...if you cater to much to MIL now and tip toe around things to much then you may be in for a lifelong stuggle every single time you make a decisions she does not agree with. She has to understand that she had her time to be a mother and make those decisions . Now it's time to step back a bit :)

[Cera]

Since it is your MIL and you will have to interact with her for the quite a while I would probably ask exactly what it is about the school she doesn't like and try to explain how you will mitigate the issue/why that isn't an issue. If she is someone you generally respect and get along with she is probably just worried about her granddaughter which I don't think is necessarily a bad thing.

 

I would only explain myself once though. She expresses her concerns, you counter them and the discussion is over since it is your child. There are a couple of great public charter options in Hawaii (we lived there for 4 years and just left. One is montessori based with open classrooms so kids are grouped by age (our daughter would have attended this one if we stayed) and another is a home/school cooperative that pays a curriculum stipend and offers classes and activities.

[FO4UR]

I agree that there are two separate issues here.

 

#1 - There needs to be an amiable way to communicate to MIL that raising these children is the responsibility of you and your dw.

 

#2 - What is the true desire for educating your dc? If HSing is best for your family, but your wife just doesn't have enough hands...attack the problem from the angle of giving your wife more hands (hire household help or take on more yourself). If you plan on supplementing ps Kindy anyway, I would guess you could simply do Kindy with her in 45min in the evenings in the place of that "supplementing." If your wife is just stretched too thin and the ps can offer your dd exactly what she needs, then make the decision and move forward. I'd recommend waiting until next summer to talk about it with anyone besides yourselves...it'll save some hassles and you never know how circumstances might change.

 

This is tough b/c choosing to do things differently than your mom is translated as a "dig" at her parenting, no matter how you phrase it. I know.;)

[TracyR]

I agree Kindy doesn't need to be a task. I like the suggestions others have given. How about she give it a try right now? It would give her a good idea on how it would or wouldn't work for your family. I love the Rod and Staff preschool series for Kindergarden( its really not preschool work but kindy , just Mennonites don't do kindergarden). Anyways why not help her out so she doesn't feel so overwhelmed?

 

If not in the end its YOUR decision alone. You have to learn to tune out those who aren't supportive of you. I've learned that very lesson this year, because if you end up doing something that makes you unhappy then its YOU who is going to be unhappy. Not the person shoving their opinion on you. What made her mom happy may not make her daughter happy. They are your children and you need to do what you both feel is best.

 

The one thing I've learned since letting my girls go to school this year is your going to do even more work sending them. Our days are now more hectic and my girls have more work after they do work. Techincally your homeschooling in the end anyways. So you can either spend the 45 minutes a day doing maybe some reading and math and handwriting. Or you can send her to school for 6hrs, have her come home with homework and reteach her the things she didn't get because the teacher didn't make any sense. Also not to mention the tons and tons of money you get to spend. Even public school isn't free. There are school pictures(which are MORE expensive then just taking them to Sears or JC Penny) , there are tons and tons of fundraisers. Lots of little things throughout the year that nickel and dime you to death too. I find we are spending a boat load of money more so then we ever did homeschooling. Another food for thought.

[PollyOR]

I'm a homeschool mama who has grandchildren who will attend public school. I'm still getting used to the idea. I have to accept the fact that these are not my children. I have to remind myself often how my own mother's disappointment has made me feel, and I try not to pass that on to my daughter. My daughter and son-in-law will do things differently than I have, and different does not mean wrong.

 

:grouphug: Good luck raising your children. It sounds like you are doing a wonderful job.

[Mallory]

I agree that K is easy, and you shouldn't forget to factor in the planning around school that is going to have to happen.

 

What if pickup time is right when the littles are napping? What if they have been up nursing all night and for some reason sleep really well fromaobut 6-9, but instead you have to get up and get the older ready for school?

 

I also agree that if you are planning on afterschooling anyway, then you might as well spend that time doing it right the first time. It won't take much more time.

[Word Nerd]

I think you should remove your concern about MIL's reaction—whether positive or negative—from the equation entirely as you consider your options and make your decision with your wife. You are your children's parents; she is not.

 

Why not start gently homeschooling your oldest DD now? Then your wife would get a feel for what it's like and whether she wants to continue.

[tntgoodwin]

Thanks everyone for all the responses!

My MILs feelings aren't affecting our decision, we just don't know how to let her know if we decided to do PS without hurting her feelings too much.

[Spy Car]

I'm an "after-schooling" Dad, and I disagree about K being "easy."

 

We had an outstanding experience last year in a very good PS Kindergarten and the efforts the teacher, aids, and parent volunteers put into those kids and the payoffs from the dedication and enriched environment really paid off.

 

I think home-schooling parents sometimes woefully underestimate what goes on in highly functioning schools.

 

That said, I still wanted to ensure a systematic approach to reading and phonics and that we used a math program (or combination of math programs) that laid a very strong foundation in understanding mathematical laws, concepts, problem solving, and mental math.

 

If you can, get your hands on a copy of Liping Ma's "Knowing and Teaching Elementary Mathematics" as this work has solidified for many of use here (myself included) what we want (and don't want) from our child's math education.

 

Read a lot, have fun! Best wishes what ever you do.

 

Bill

[kalphs]

I think the bigger issue here is how you are going to handle your mother in law's reactions to decisions that you all make as a couple which she may/may not agree with. It really is not even about the homeschooling or psing issue in my mind b/c to be honest...this is not the last time you and your wife will make a decision that MIL does not necessarily support. This is just the beginning:) There are so many decisions along the way as children get older. This is just the tip of the iceberg! Ultimately , they are your children and it's your decision not Grandma's. I think that you and your wife should set a precedent early in your children's lives that these are YOUR decisions and not hers. Of course you try to do that as respectfully as possible but trust me...if you cater to much to MIL now and tip toe around things to much then you may be in for a lifelong stuggle every single time you make a decisions she does not agree with. She has to understand that she had her time to be a mother and make those decisions . Now it's time to step back a bit :)

Bump

Edited September 22, 2010 by kalphs

[In The Great White North]

Hi, this is my first post here, so I will start by introducing my family. We are currently a military family of 4 - dd4, dd2, wifey, and myself all living in Hawaii.

We are trying to decide what to do with dd4 next fall. My wife was homeschooled her entire life, but isn't sure that she is up to the task of teaching dd4 (will be 5 then) with a toddler around (and possibly a newborn at the time). She doesn't feel confident in her ability to teach dd, and give the other one the attention she needs.

 

 

My wife always thought she would HS, and her mother assumes she will. Every time my wife brings up the possibility of letting dd go to a PS, she is very clearly disapproving. My wife and her mom have always been close, and now we have moved thousands of miles away (which was hard on them both). My wife is afraid of alienating her mother if she chooses to have dd go to PS.

 

Have you recently PCS'd to Hawaii? Is it possible that your wife feels that if she home-schools she will be stuck in the house alone all day with no way to meet anyone or make new friends? That everyone makes friends through their kids' school? And with her mom so far away, she's afraid of losing her too?

 

I may be barking up the wrong tree entirely here, but I know the thought would occur to me if I were in her shoes.

 

Surely, there must be a homeschooling group in Hawaii?

[MeganW]

Since it is your MIL and you will have to interact with her for the quite a while I would probably ask exactly what it is about the school she doesn't like and try to explain how you will mitigate the issue/why that isn't an issue.

 

If you were trying to convince your SPOUSE, I would agree. But I wouldn't invite debate from someone who doesn't have a say in the decision. You know her opinion, so there is no need to ask for it.

 

You can very nicely tell her that while you think she did a GREAT job, you have to do what is best for your family right now and this is the decision you have made. Repeat as needed - I wouldn't go into any more detail or solicit arguements!

[Cera]

If you were trying to convince your SPOUSE, I would agree. But I wouldn't invite debate from someone who doesn't have a say in the decision. You know her opinion, so there is no need to ask for it.

 

You can very nicely tell her that while you think she did a GREAT job, you have to do what is best for your family right now and this is the decision you have made. Repeat as needed - I wouldn't go into any more detail or solicit arguements!

 

 

I can see your point but I disagree. I think parent issues are the kind of thing that are easier to deal with head on. It isn't so much a debate as a conversation to fully inform yourself of her opposition. If there are a few specific issues she has with public school (ie: the issues that led to keeping her own kids home) it is probably easier to confront them head on and explain why they aren't a problem for this particular child at this time. You could save quite a bit of extended frustration on both sides by talking about it openly.

[tntgoodwin]

Have you recently PCS'd to Hawaii? Is it possible that your wife feels that if she home-schools she will be stuck in the house alone all day with no way to meet anyone or make new friends? That everyone makes friends through their kids' school? And with her mom so far away, she's afraid of losing her too?

 

I may be barking up the wrong tree entirely here, but I know the thought would occur to me if I were in her shoes.

 

Surely, there must be a homeschooling group in Hawaii?

 

There are several homeschooling groups here, but it's not the friend thing. She actually has met a lot of friends thanks to the internet!

[Kates]

I've been in your position, though from the opposite end of the spectrum; I'm a ps teacher's kid (my dad is now a lobbyist for the state teacher's union) who chose to homeschool for various reasons. Let me tell ya, our family reunions were pretty interesting for a while there...

 

It finally came down to explaining exactly why we chose to homeschool. It's not because we think schools are evil or because we don't want our son to come in contact with ideas that go against our religious ideals; it's because the schools in our area honestly can't accommodate his needs. It was a choice of either go with the flow and know that he's not getting the education he deserves, or buck the system and do what's right for him. We chose our son over a temporary family strife. Once my folks understood that (and saw that he wasn't an ignorant, isolated wallflower incapable of communication ;)), they came to also understand our decision. It's not the decision they would make, but they accept that we didn't make it lightly and they do what they can to support us in it.

 

(Please note, this didn't happen overnight...we're now in our 7th year of homeschooling.)

 

Anyway...as hard as it may be, you can't make decisions to please your parents. You have to make them based on what is right for you, your wife, and your child. I would suggest trying some very light homeschooling now (K honestly takes under an hour in most cases and is mostly activity and play-based), just to confirm if her thoughts are correct - or if what she remembers of homeschooling is more related to the later years. (I know I barely remember what I did up through about 3rd grade...my thoughts of school include lit analysis and geometry lol.)

 

Just my thoughts!

[tntgoodwin]

Well, it came up the other day. We told her we were pregnant (due in July), and pretty much the first thing she asked is if it would interfere with our homeschooling dd4. DW explained it wouldn't affect our choice, since we were leaning toward having dd4 go to ps anyway.

 

Where did all these worms come from?

[treestarfae]

My experience with charter/magnet schools are they are in a depressed area to need that structure and money. This brings along with it kids and parents with behavioral issues. Not my cup of tea no matter how good the curriculum is.