Ever feel isolated/lonely as a hs mom? Does a coop help?

[monalisa]

I posted this on the general board, but I never go there normally so I think it will get lost among the non-hs related threads...

 

Do you feel isolated & lonely as a hs mom? I am really struggling with this. My only-child dd is 7 and just started 2nd grade. This is our 2nd year of hs. I don't think it bothers her much being an only, but I find myself getting more & more depressed being home and alone most of the time.

 

We did Classical Conversations last year, for a variety of reasons decided to not do it this year (she loved it; I didn't, although I did like the comradery of the other moms). Now I'm wondering if that was unwise. I have her enrolled in a 2x/month hs umbrella/enrichment school that is a drop-off program, so that won't help me at all with adult interaction. Or maybe I need a co-op? I have avoided the co-op idea not wanting to take on more work.

 

I do not have great connections here where we've lived for 2 years. We aren't plugged into a church (not that we don't want to be and haven't been trying), our neighborhood is older working couples mostly. Any other ideas that just "make some friends"? I am generally somewhat introverted, but the isolation and intensity of being home all week alone w/ dd is about to smother me.

 

Should I try to find a co-op? I find myself spending an inordinate amount of time online reading HS boards, and I know it is because I am dying for other adults to talk to.

[johnandtinagilbert]

Yes, I have and a co-op helped a little, but honestly being here helps me more. Strange, but true. I never thought online friends would "matter" but they have and been a real blessing in my life.

 

Co-op provided something different...fun and after several years in the same group, deep friendships evolved, but being here has always helped in lonelier times.

[NanceXToo]

I responded in your thread on the general board :D

[romeacademy]

Do you have any support groups in your area? I've done both a weekly co-op and 2 different support groups. The co-op was a lot of work and I found it tiring to be out of the house most of the day. My kids were a lot younger then, so that made a big difference.

 

The support groups have been great. The group I'm in currently has a mom's (or dad's) meeting about once a month and organizes field trips, occasional classes, and other activities for kids and adults. Everyone is asked to volunteer, but commitments range in size and it's just much more doable. I've make some great friends there who've really helped me over some bumps in the road. I couldn't do it with out them.

[Sahamamama]

Something that has helped me, even though I still have "those days," was learning to let go of the idea of finding people who think like I do. These people may exist, but in real life, I haven't found any. :D My husband and I are resigned to the fact that we are freaky-weird homeschoolers, and NO ONE around here thinks the way we do. So what? There are plenty of people who like us! And we like them, even if they DO send their children to the Big Brick Government Building. :tongue_smilie:(I am saying this tough-in-cheek, KWIM?)

 

No, seriously, when we first started going to the church where we are now, there were several families who told us they wanted to homeschool their children. But, you know how it is, life was busy for this family, and things changed for that family, and so on and so on... until they all sent their children to schools, after all. You know, for some reason, that didn't bother me -- and I remember that I was intially excited to find some "like-minded moms" when we first went -- but now I know those people as people. Who they are is much more important to me than what their children are doing all day.

 

I think that like-mindedness is over-rated in the homeschooling community, and at times, it's like a disease -- always looking for people who think "just like us" about everything, and those people are nowhere to be found. I'm not saying that this is you, not at all, just that there is a tendency to think that we should look for our fish in a certain bowl, KWIM?

 

I say, "Go where other moms are." You might be surprised how much support you might get from sources where it would be least expected. Open your heart to women who have made other choices -- women who work in careers, women who send their children to school, women who are single.... In the end, we are all women, sisters in some ways, and I have had to learn to find support and comfort and encouragement in that.

 

There is a bond that women can have that goes beyond "matching up" all our finer points. It begins with having a peace about our own decisions and choices, a humility about our own vulnerabilities and short-comings, and a willingness to embrace the other person, even if we would not embrace her way of doing things.

 

I have a friend, Sarah, who is -- for lack of a better word -- an intelligent, fully-functional scatter-brain. She is hilarious to listen to on the answering machine. In fact, we save her messages just so we can listen to them again and again, they are that funny. She is just all over the place, and sometimes she even forgets why she called and starts speaking Pig Latin.

 

Now, one day my sister was over and heard the message and said, "Why are friends with that nut-case?" And I reminded her that she is friends with some quirky people, too, and the richer for it.

 

And, who knows? Maybe we are the quirky people? I wonder if anyone is listening to my messages? :bigear:

 

I hope this helps in some way. :grouphug: Group hugs are fine and all, but in the end what you really want and need is relief from enforced solitude in real life. Don't let it cave in on you. Tell the solitude that you are NOT forced into it, and break out in any healthy way you can. HTH.

[Stacy in NJ]

closely matches your values/worldview, then you may find friendship there. But, really, my best friends aren't even homeschoolers; they're just my friends.

 

Besides homeschooling, do you have any other interests? Try to hook-up with some individuals that share common interests. Three years ago I joined a film club and have made several friends.

 

join a gym

take an art class

book club

film club

bunco

volunteer (hospitals, shelters, political parties)

 

Our local Barnes and Noble host meetings for several groups, not just book clubs, but also knitters and political discussion groups.

 

If your need is mostly about you, then consider looking beyond homeschool circles.

[Guest]

A few months back I actually wrote David Albert, a homeschooling writer, to ask just this question -- not as a mom specifically, but just as a homeschooler. His family is so connected with the larger community. He wrote back that his friends are not homeschoolers for the most part, but people he meets through various work he does: Quaker relief work for war-torn countries; other singers at an amateur opera; people he meets when he visits his "adopted" mother in India and other volunteers helping to do microfinance work there. This was eye-opening for me, because I'd ONLY been looking among homeschoolers.

 

So widen your net. (You don't have to go to India.) One poster gave some great ideas about various clubs and groups. Find something you want to do and give yourself an evening or afternoon out to do that activity in a group of grown-ups.

 

Depending on what kind of friendships you are looking for, you may still find yourself most comfortable and engaged with other homeschoolers. Or you may not -- but this at least opens up your options, gets you out of the house in the company of adults, and will make you feel less isolated.

 

I did belong to a co-op for several years, but I didn't really feel that this helped for me (although it was great for my daughter) until I began volunteering and ultimately teaching. Ask if anyone needs help. See what happens. Maybe even come up with a short, manageable class to teach yourself, and invite other parents to join in with you.

[Ellie]

I don't know about a co-op, but a support group might. Support groups tend to have things like Moms' Night Out and other purely social events, more so than a co-op might as the focus of each is different.

[monalisa]

Thanks for the ideas! I think I have been limiting my scope to fellow homeschoolers, so I need to think outside that box. I am in a support group that is a nice bunch of moms, but have found it a little hard to break in as many of them have been together a while. But the things we have done have been good. They just don't occur very often.

 

Thanks again!

[imhim]

Yes, I feel like that, too, and I have 3 children at home, so people are talking to me ALL the time. Short people, that is. But the few friends I have rarely call - I noticed other hs moms love it when I call them and love to come over, but don't really do the same in return. Don't know why.

Yes, the homeschool group helps. Wherever children take classes I meet hs moms also. I like to take classes for that reason, too (dd takes the classes, I just wait for the older one with my 2 littler ones). But even if I make friends easily, once the class is over, or the year is over, people are not interested to keep in touch. To me, this is very hard. Oh, well...

[ktwensel]

This thread really touches me. I have the same problem finding friends and I, too, spend way too much time reading about everyone else on these boards. We live waaaaaayyyy out in the country and my phone never rings. It is very hard to maintain relationships because everyone is so busy and it seems that no one ever wants to make a trip out here. I always seem that my relationships are more one sided (one my part). Several of my friends have all moved away. I've enjoyed reading the other responses - just to know I really am not alone.

[Sunshine State Sue]

Do you feel isolated & lonely as a hs mom?

 

Should I try to find a co-op? I find myself spending an inordinate amount of time online reading HS boards, and I know it is because I am dying for other adults to talk to.

Absolutely I have felt/sometimes still feel isolated and lonely as a hs mom. Let's face it, hs'ing can also be very b-o-r-i-n-g.

 

My husband went through a career change during the years our ds was 5-8.5yo. We moved 3 times in 4 years. Not pleasant. I am fairly extroverted, but also somewhat shy. Ds (pre-puberty) was more extroverted than dh and me put together. We tried many, many activities looking for friendships. It was exhausting and not overwhelmingly successful, to tell the truth. But, both of us would rather BE with people, even if it's not necessarily connecting with friends, than be alone day after day.

 

So, yes, join a co-op or homeschool group. We've been in several. We both prefer homeschool groups with regular activities to co-op "class" situations. But, beggars can't always be choosers. If you stick with a decent group long enough, friendships will form, and before you know it, your dd will be part of a teen group. ;) The best friends I've found are hs'ing moms or former hs'ing moms. I've also made some friends through church (dh is now a minister, which brings about it's own isolation problems - typical friendships within the church have been disastrous, but I've found a former minister and another minister's partner to be wonderful friends).

 

But the few friends I have rarely call - I noticed other hs moms love it when I call them and love to come over, but don't really do the same in return. Don't know why....But even if I make friends easily, once the class is over, or the year is over, people are not interested to keep in touch.

I find this very common as well.

 

Finally, know that things change. Be encouraged. As ds gets older, I am able to meet a friend (hs'ing mom) at the YMCA almost every night (sharing sports drop-off/pick-up with Dad) and have a lunch date with a friend every week. I've been in a church or community choir forever. I tell people that it's the one thing I do in my life that is for me, not because I should or I have to or it's good for me, but because I want to. Find one activity for you.

 

I'd also check out the book Good Friends are Hard To Find by Frankel for ideas to help your dd.

 

Take care. :grouphug:

[Hedgehogs4]

i did CC for a while, took a year off and then went back this year. we start back next friday and i'm really looking forward to it. it was truly the camaraderie that i missed the most. i'm so glad to be going back. i've also had some time to seriously think through the curriculum and how i think about the company and its approached has also changed. i like SWB's way--i really do. but i cannot do it in isolation. i am an extrovert and really need the support of other moms and my kids love having a chance to get together with other kids. i just couldn't ignore it.

 

as for a co-op? to me, a coop is death by a thousand cuts. but that's just me. i'd rather have one or two good friends to get together with (and i have that) or a very well-organized situation where i'm not expected to be teaching or be responsible for other peoples' children (like CC--even though i did tutor and enjoyed it--but it wasn't required.)

[Mandy in TN]

:grouphug: I have a 7yo ds. Do you want to come over for a playdate? For some reason we don't have any 2nd grade friends.

 

Seriously, I was part of a co-op/tutorial for a number of years and never connected. Where I have connected with other homeschool moms is Mom's Night Out. Ours meets monthly at Panera. When Panera closes, those of us who want to stay and chat move to the outside tables or go to Steak n Shake (open 24hrs). If your local group doesn't have a MNO, then start one.

 

HTH-

Mandy