need single parent advice

[mryann]

My sister's husband just left her and the kids, literally, in the middle of a cross country move. She is currently living with us and we're trying to get her possessions out of storage in another state. She is planning on filing for a legal separation. It was depressing to hear how little she will receive in a divorce while her ex makes a 6 figure salary.

 

If you are single parent, how do you make it financially and emotionally? Do you have any advice?

[mryann]

bounce

[Starr]

She needs to figure out which state is best for her to be in before she starts all the paperwork.

[FlockOfSillies]

Yeah, did she hear this from a lawyer? If so, I'm told there are quite a few divorce lawyers out there. Perhaps she could track one down and get a second opinion.

[mryann]

we've talked to several lawyers and it seems pretty cut and dried. a shark doesn't appear to make any difference - your support is a percentage of the husband's salary. alimony depends on how many years you have been married and is 3-5 years if you've been married 10-20 years. of course, if you are lucky enough to divorce in MN or Oregon, you get spousal support for life.

 

is there a way that a shark lawyer would make any difference? it doesn't seem to even go before a judge anymore. does anyone have any advice?

[mrs.m]

is there a way that a shark lawyer would make any difference? it doesn't seem to even go before a judge anymore. does anyone have any advice?

 

See another lawyer until you find one that will help. I'm not sure that anyone here can give absolute legal advice since it varies by state and circumstance. She may not be able to get as much as she wants. But with children, it should include child support as well and can also include what other needs he will be required to cover. :grouphug:

[Danestress]

 

is there a way that a shark lawyer would make any difference? it doesn't seem to even go before a judge anymore. does anyone have any advice?

 

First of all, she can't just decide what state she wants to do this in. A state without jurisdiction doesn't have jurisdiction. So you actually really need some advice about what the correct state is and then talk to an attorney in THAT state.

 

Secondly, you forgot to mention division of property. There are three major financial considerations (1) child support (2) alimony (3) division of property. I would assume that if the husband is a high earner, they have property. Cars. Stuff. Bank accounts. Retirement accounts. Of course, even with large incomes, some people mostly have debt, and debt also has to be divided fairly. The first step is just finding out what they actually have, and sometimes people need an attorney just to get that to happen.

 

If your sister wants to spend a lot of what money there is on a "shark" attorney instead of using those assets to raise and educate her own children, I suggest she hire said "shark" and fight like heck. Then the attorney's kids can take violin lessons with the money she would have used to buy groceries.

 

If she would rather get a fair settlement and then use that money for the needs of her family, I suggest she find an attorney who is not afraid to fight if he or she needs to but who is professional, competent, and oriented toward achieving a fair and reasonable settlement. Sometimes when both parties are receiving good legal advice and both want to come to a fair settlement, they can do that without having massive legal fees. I hope that is the case for your sister.

 

But cases go before judges all over America every day. It's better when they can be settled without having to do that - cheaper, easier. Many places have mediation processes, which can be very effective.

[MariannNOVA]

First of all, she can't just decide what state she wants to do this in. A state without jurisdiction doesn't have jurisdiction. So you actually really need some advice about what the correct state is and then talk to an attorney in THAT state.

 

Secondly, you forgot to mention division of property. There are three major financial considerations (1) child support (2) alimony (3) division of property. I would assume that if the husband is a high earner, they have property. Cars. Stuff. Bank accounts. Retirement accounts. Of course, even with large incomes, some people mostly have debt, and debt also has to be divided fairly. The first step is just finding out what they actually have, and sometimes people need an attorney just to get that to happen.

 

If your sister wants to spend a lot of what money there is on a "shark" attorney instead of using those assets to raise and educate her own children, I suggest she hire said "shark" and fight like heck. Then the attorney's kids can take violin lessons with the money she would have used to buy groceries.

 

If she would rather get a fair settlement and then use that money for the needs of her family, I suggest she find an attorney who is not afraid to fight if he or she needs to but who is professional, competent, and oriented toward achieving a fair and reasonable settlement. Sometimes when both parties are receiving good legal advice and both want to come to a fair settlement, they can do that without having massive legal fees. I hope that is the case for your sister.

 

But cases go before judges all over America every day. It's better when they can be settled without having to do that - cheaper, easier. Many places have mediation processes, which can be very effective.

 

:iagree: with everything here. Wanted to add: rehabilitative alimony -- so that the OP's sister can get back on her feet. It is not permanent alminony - an issue which tends to make these things drag out for ever and puts $$$$$ in the pockets of the attorneys.

[mryann]

First of all, she can't just decide what state she wants to do this in. A state without jurisdiction doesn't have jurisdiction. So you actually really need some advice about what the correct state is and then talk to an attorney in THAT state.

 

Secondly, you forgot to mention division of property. There are three major financial considerations (1) child support (2) alimony (3) division of property. I would assume that if the husband is a high earner, they have property. Cars. Stuff. Bank accounts. Retirement accounts. Of course, even with large incomes, some people mostly have debt, and debt also has to be divided fairly. The first step is just finding out what they actually have, and sometimes people need an attorney just to get that to happen.

 

If your sister wants to spend a lot of what money there is on a "shark" attorney instead of using those assets to raise and educate her own children, I suggest she hire said "shark" and fight like heck. Then the attorney's kids can take violin lessons with the money she would have used to buy groceries.

 

If she would rather get a fair settlement and then use that money for the needs of her family, I suggest she find an attorney who is not afraid to fight if he or she needs to but who is professional, competent, and oriented toward achieving a fair and reasonable settlement. Sometimes when both parties are receiving good legal advice and both want to come to a fair settlement, they can do that without having massive legal fees. I hope that is the case for your sister.

 

But cases go before judges all over America every day. It's better when they can be settled without having to do that - cheaper, easier. Many places have mediation processes, which can be very effective.

 

actually, she can decide what state she wants to do this in. she no longer has residency in the old state and can not file there. we have spoken to several lawyers about this and they all agree. she has no residency in the state her husband is now living in and so will not file there. she has chosen to live with us and therefore can file for a legal separation and eventually a divorce once she has residency. jurisdiction over her husband will be a tricky issue unless she filed in the state where he is now living. she has no desire to live far away from family.

 

property is not really an issue. they sold their home before the move and intended to purchase a new home in the new state. that money would be divided. there is little there, almost no retirement. child support will be according to his income. it isn't enough to live on. she has all of these documents because of the move and has already shown them to a very good lawyer who also mediates.

 

I understand that lawyers are the only ones who win in a divorce. it appears to me that it's her children and she who will lose and NOT the lawyers OR her husband.

 

she can get spousal support for 3-5 years at best. Permanent alimony is not an option, according to her lawyer.

[FlockOfSillies]

If she's not going to file in the state where her ex is, then it sounds like she's going to end up with much less than she might otherwise. Staying near family puts her at a legal disadvantage. If it's really that important to her to be near family rather than make sure ex pays up, then she's going to have to start looking forward NOW to how she will support her children. Does she have any skills? Any vocational training?

[Joanne]

Your sister needs:

 

 

1. An attorney specializing in family law of the state in which she is filing.
   
2. Facts only documentation of marital and parenting history
   
3. To limit discussion of the with "his" relatives, mutual friends, etc.
   
4. A counselor to understand the dynamics of her marriage, the effects on her children and how to move forward *healthfullyl*.
   
5. A faith community.
   
6. Time to process
   

 

[mryann]

Joanne, thanks for the check list! I think we have hit most of them. the pace is so fast, there is very little time to process. In three weeks, she has moved across the country, been dumped, put her possessions in storage, realized there will be no reconciling, sorted her storage, moved again, contacted attorneys, and is now going back to get her storage. (the kids need more than the clothes on their backs.) none of that includes handling the kids who are struggling and continuing her job (she teaches online classes.)

 

 

Brenda, how do you see that she will end up with less if she files in a different state? The attorney said that the support was about the same, ie, there would be no advantage to filing in his state. Do you mean that he might not pay? Because I don't see that as a problem. He has 3 kids from his first marriage and has always paid.

 

does anyone know, is it ever possible to negotiate permanent spousal support?

[elfgivas]

:grouphug: to you both.

 

what i did:

put the kids in school

worked full time

worked on a master's half time

took in boarders, who also provided childcare while i was in class

sold my car

paid a lot for a really good lawyer (we settled through mediation, although it was close a few times)

shopped for clothes in thrift shops

vacationed with family

cancelled cable (this turned out to be a major blessing in disguise; we all stopped wanting things that commercials convinced us we needed)

emergency only cell phone

 

there are lots of other smaller things, but that was it. i chose not to move to be near family, as i already had a job where i was, and keeping the kids in their environment was important to me.

 

xdh, on the other hand, vacationed in europe and the carribean, bought a farm and horses, remarried, etc., etc. no one promised fair. but i am much healthier and happier (and alive). and i have been remarried for 13 years now to a wonderful guy.

 

:grouphug:this too shall pass.

[Joanne]

does anyone know, is it ever possible to negotiate permanent spousal support?

 

It's rare to *negotiate* it. That would involve agreement. It can be granted by a judge, depending on the length of the marriage, marital assets, the judge's mood, etc.

 

That's why you need an *excellent*, family law attorney.

[mryann]

elfgivas, putting the kids in school will be the most difficult thing for her. it's helpful to hear that your situation turned out alright.

 

joanne, we have a lawyer who is rated very highly and has been recommended by several lawyer friends. i pray that she will do a good job.

 

thank you all. and god bless those of you who have traveled this path yourselves.

[kalanamak]

F

 

But cases go before judges all over America every day. It's better when they can be settled without having to do that - cheaper, easier. Many places have mediation processes, which can be very effective.

 

Our local "shark" is a frumpy man in a wheelchair with a bad toupee, but he only takes on women with kids who are getting screwed. He is cheap.

 

Mediation is great when the guy isn't busy hiding assets. Leaving wife and kids in the middle of a move does not bode well.....but I hope I'm wrong.:)

[FlockOfSillies]

Well, I'm just going based on what you said about jurisdiction. If the case will get thrown out because of lack of jurisdiction, then she's outta luck. Am I right? (Ask the lawyer.) If that's true, then maybe she should establish residency in the same state as her ex (not the same town), which is where her stuff is, and where she was planning to live, so that she has a legal leg to stand on. Then she can move back to be near family when it's all over. I don't know. That's why I was saying that if she doesn't really have the stomach to pursue it legally, then she needs to figure out how she's going to make ends meet on her income alone, without a penny from him. And that process should start yesterday.

[Pippen]

Your sister needs:

 

 

1. An attorney specializing in family law of the state in which she is filing.

2. Facts only documentation of marital and parenting history

3. To limit discussion of the with "his" relatives, mutual friends, etc.

4. A counselor to understand the dynamics of her marriage, the effects on her children and how to move forward *healthfullyl*.

5. A faith community.

6. Time to process

 

 

7. Get her name off of any joint credit cards and other accounts which he might rack up bills.

 

My SIL didn't get immediate legal counsel, remove her name from bills, nor transfer any funds out of their joint savings accounts. As soon as they seperated, BIL started taking girlfriends on vacations and charging it to their joint credit cards, then greatly depleted savings to pay off credit cards. Judge didn't consider this in the settlement, even though there was proof--he just divided the remaining savings equally between them.

 

Another comment about vocational training if she doesn't already have a marketable skill set--career counseling could be helpful to her. My SIL made an excellent salary in her field during her pre-kids days, but when she was an at-home mom for ten years the field changed considerably, as did the economy, and now isn't a profession she can support a family on. Once she was seperated she started down a professional training program that was ill suited for her. By the time she realized it, the alimony ran out.