Ever Have One Of *Those* Phone Calls?

[Impish]

Arrggghhh.

 

I'm going to try to make this as concise as possible, but be warned I may fail badly. Feel free to ask any questions if I'm not clear in my quest for brevity.

 

My MIL called. (For some members, that would be enough info to understand the 'arrrggghh'). She was rear ended recently, car is a write off. After the initial 'are you ok' panic was over, and we were assured she was perfectly fine, discussion turned to replacing her vehicle.

 

Wolf made a strong case against her getting another vehicle. She's in her 80s, and needs to have a friend along to read street signs. She's been in minor fender crunchers prior to this. For what a vehicle would cost her, it would be cheaper to take a cab or bus, and a whole lot safer.

 

So, she calls this am. I should have KNOWN something was up, b/c she only calls during the morning if she absolutely doesn't want to risk talking to Wolf.

 

This was part of the call:

MIL: You will defend my getting a car to Wolf, won't you?

Me: Absolutely not.

MIL: Oh?

Me: MIL, I've been married to your son for over seven years now. Have I ever taken your side over his?

MIL: No, and I would never ask you to.

Me: :blink:

 

She talked to 'a friend' and found a car for $800. She figures it would be cheaper to get that car than to take a cab. :banghead:

 

She said she knows we're concerned for her safety, and I said, "Yes, and for the other people on the road. What happens if you have a stroke or heart attack while you're driving, and there's a little kid crossing?"

Answer: "I always drive slow, and besides, I won't have a stroke or heart attack. My dr says I'm in perfect health"

:banghead:

She's emailing Wolf her decision because she figures that it'll go better that way. I told her he's going to be ticked regardless of if she calls or emails. Reality is, she doesn't want to deal with it, and figures if she emails, *I'll* be the one to listen to the ranting and raving.

She has a year left before she has to get her driving re-assessed. I pointed that out to her, that there's no telling if she'll get her licenced renewed. I pointed out that *I* take cabs everywhere. I pointed out the fallacy in her math when she was rhyming off how a car and cab would cost her about the same.

 

I did everything I could think of, including asking her if this was about her pride or her independence, and when she admitted "Both" I pointed out what the Bible says about pride (She's a devout SDA, so pointing to what the Bible says is something she'll actually listen to). She told me that she's under God's loving protection.

 

She's a danger on the roads. Seriously. She's so easily distracted that Wolf remembers many times of having to grab the steering wheel to prevent them from ending up in the ditch because she was bird watching while driving. Age has not improved her concentration skills. We're scared for her, and for others that she could end up hurting. Now that her friend that used to read the street signs for her is in palliative care, heaven only knows how she'll get around now.

 

I'm praying that this doesn't come to pass. An $800 car is a warning around here. Meant for parts. Hopefully, she'll have an honest mechanic that tells her so.

[Caraway]

Don't know where you are, but in CA you can turn someone in for dangerous driving. I know a number of people who have used this to get the licenses of elderly relatives revoked.

[Impish]

We're in different provinces than her. We can't witness her driving. Wolf did call an RCMP detachment before to ask questions about it a few years ago...we don't even know her plate number. *trying to imagine how to bring that up casually*

[Aggie]

I think we can talk to the primary physician and he can medically revoke a license.

 

Can you talk to her pcp about your concerns?

[Impish]

I'm pretty sure Wolf copied the name off of one of her Rxs, I'll have to ask him about it.

 

MIL is intensely secretive about that kind of thing. She'll call and tell us she had an appt, but not what it was about 90% of the time, and never, ever refers to him by name. She was outraged that he wanted her to have a cognitive assessment (around the time her sister was dx'd with Alzheimers) but we never heard anything more about it. Wolf asked and all she would say is,"I'm fine." We're not even 100% if she took the test.

 

I've noticed mental confusion with her. Calling her hip her shin, for example, and then not knowing where her shin was. We've asked her to move in, begged, cajoled, pled....nada. She likes the idea of living with Wolf and I, but not so much since I've been hurt "You can't take care of me properly now" and she def doesn't want to live with our children as they are, "You need to teach them to be quiet!"

 

None of her sibs were willing to back up our concerns. "She's fine!" Yeah, the said the same about their other sister, right up until a neighbour called the police for a well check.

[Rosie_0801]

I don't get it. If she wants to buy a car, she's going to buy it because it is her decision, not Wolf's, right?

 

This was part of the call:

MIL: You will defend my getting a car to Wolf, won't you?

Me: Absolutely not.

MIL: Oh?

Me: MIL, I've been married to your son for over seven years now. Have I ever taken your side over his?

MIL: No, and I would never ask you to.

Me: :blink:

 

I think I'd have ended the conversation there. People say some funny stuff sometimes. And worse, they keep being "funny" the more you talk to them.

 

Rosie

[Tree House Academy]

If she has the money to buy the car and she wants to buy the car, then it is her choice...unless Wolf is her Power of Attorney or her license has been revoked or something. I understand your not wanting her to drive...but I also understand why she wants that freedom. It is a tough place to be. :(

[Impish]

We do have power of attorney, but that only comes into play if she's incapacitated.

 

She sent her email to my addy, rather than Wolf's...Just another way of making sure I'm involved in this situation. Amongst other things, she tells us she doesn't like us driving in the city, but doesn't complain, and 'hopes we don't disown her' if she buys the car.

 

Nobody has even hinted at disowning her for pity sakes. Cue the drama and hysterics at the next call. As usual.

 

Yes, its her choice, until her license gets yanked. But just because someone *can* do something doesn't mean they *should*. And she should not be driving. She can't even read the street signs!

 

I'm praying she doesn't end up killing someone. Seems like the best we can hope for is that if she does hurt anyone, its herself, and nobody else.

 

Its scary and frustrating, seeing this come about, knowing how dangerous it is, but not seeming to be able to get anyone to listen. We were hoping that her car being written off would be seen as a big sign, a chance for her to assess her abilities and make the safest choice, but if she wants to drive, then she will, and it seems like there's nothing we can do about it, since we aren't right there to call if we see her driving dangerously.

 

I give up.

[Nakia]

I think we need to get your mil and my fil together and send them off to some island away from us. Right now, my fil is having terrible dizziness and blurred vision, and he says he doesn't trust himself to drive. You would think that would stop him from driving, but does it? Heck no. :glare:

[Impish]

I think we need to get your mil and my fil together and send them off to some island away from us. Right now, my fil is having terrible dizziness and blurred vision, and he says he doesn't trust himself to drive. You would think that would stop him from driving, but does it? Heck no. :glare:

I think its the 'driving is a RIGHT' mentality thing. She even says in her email that she'll drive until she's due for her retest (in a YEAR) and if she fails then, THEN she'll quit.

 

Uh, you won't have a choice then...and I can't imagine the hysterics that will follow that. Seems better to make the choice yourself than to have it made for you, doesn't it?

 

My biggest fear is that she'll kill a child/entire family. And she'll be fine, just as always seems to happen with drunk drivers.

 

I think that's what makes me want to shake her so badly. She's looking at it from a financial pov, not willing to consider in the slightest that she, herself, might not be a wise choice to be on the road.

 

I should have hung up...if not before she told me that she won't have a heart attack or stroke b/c her Dr says she's healthy, then def when she told me she was protected and safe in God's hands. What about everyone else on the road then?? I suppose in her head, only bad ppl and non-SDA members need to worry about car accidents. :banghead:

 

I'm simply not going to answer any emails or phone calls from her for a while. I can't take the stress. *I'M* going to have a stroke or my head'll explode if I need to hear her version of life anymore.

[stripe]

Do you really need to witness her driving or know her car's license plate number to know she's unsafe? I would contact CanDRIVE for guidance. Otherwise, convince her to move to Ontario, where the laws on this are the strictest.