Consequences for Internet Porn Viewing

[texasmama]

I'm in agreement with the "she's already been punished enough" crowd, but may I make a suggestion? If possible, I would try to have a chat with her about what she saw. There's some pretty wild stuff out there... I'd be concerned that she may have seen things that confused or even scared her - especially given her very young age. :(

 

This is an excellent idea.

[SailorMom]

It's almost a relief just to see we're not alone. We did have filters on the computer - but they weren't good enough. Don't trust the Internet Explorer filters!

It was our DS, so my husband had a very long talk with him about what was normal, what was not, internet addiction, etc. He also made sure DS knew that most of what was online was not what you want in a healthy, loving relationship.

We now have Norton Famly Online - works really well - no complaints.

As for punishment - DS was sad, and fessed up as well - but I am in the "consequences" camp. Hard to say what those are at times. He did loose computer privledges for a while, and also - I told him he had too much free time on his hadns - so he worked.... all day.... every day.... for days. All the jobs DH and I hadn't gotten around to.

He's a boy, so obviously things are different for you. If she is anything like I was a a young girl, she probably does feel bad enough already.

[goldberry]

How can you help her heal? She's probably seen disgusting things that she can't get out of her mind. Can you pray for her and ask God to cleanse her mind?

 

And this is a computer in our living room with adults walking about but not really looking or paying attention when we should have.

 

Porn is highly addictive, so you may want to check in with your daughter from time to time.

 

I think it is normal curiosity, but it still is something you never want your child to do or see, because I think pornographic images or words have a way of leaving a lasting, ugly imprint in a child's mind.

If you restrict her computer privileges, I would present it as a way to help her avoid temptation, not as a punishment.

 

If possible, I would try to have a chat with her about what she saw. There's some pretty wild stuff out there... I'd be concerned that she may have seen things that confused or even scared her - especially given her very young age.

 

Thanks for all the advice, especially those above. (Don't know how to do multiple quotes!)

 

Talked to hubby last night. He freaked out predictably then calmed down. He is mostly worried about the long term impact, since he had a pornography issue as a teen and experienced how difficult it was to break and how it impacted him. The pull of pornography is so strong and those images remain. He feels like we will really need to have a constant watch on this from now on.

 

We installed NetNanny, which seems pretty good. One thing I like is that not only does it block the site, and also internet searches, but when it blocks you can set it to send you an email that it blocked something, so you know the kid was looking.

 

Note to parents - this all happened WHILE she was in the L/R on the computer. We don't allow the computer anywhere else. She said I was in kitchen or whatever (in and out) and if I came by she would just minimize the screen.

 

I'm glad you recommended to talk to her about what she saw. I first wasn't going to because I didn't want to REMIND her of it, but your point is very valid that it might have confused or scared her.

[NanceXToo]

I'm in agreement with the "she's already been punished enough" crowd, but may I make a suggestion? If possible, I would try to have a chat with her about what she saw. There's some pretty wild stuff out there... I'd be concerned that she may have seen things that confused or even scared her - especially given her very young age. :(

 

Yes! I wish I would have thought to add that to MY post. :)

[TXMomof4]

I would put the monitoring software on and let her know you'll be checking it - as much for accountability as for any sort of punishment. I'd tell her that some temptations are easier to resist than others, but you want to help her make sure that she doesn't give in to temptation again and that to HELP her you are taking this measure. She knows what she did was wrong, but it was also very natural. Reward her sensitivity and honesty with you. Some kids won't behave that way even if they are caught red-handed. Good job mom!

[Maddysmom26]

Truthfully? I may be the only one to say this. But I don't think I'd punish her. She admitted it to you, she apologized to you, she told you she felt bad, she told you she thinks she IS bad, she told you she'd stopped doing it (which you saw for yourself), she told you she wouldn't do it again, she even told you she'd prayed about it.

 

I would let it go. Other than telling her that if she is curious about anything in the future, she should come to YOU, and that you'll be checking her computer history from time to time and if anything inappropriate comes up again, she'll have to lose some computer privileges or some such... I don't think she needs any further "punishment."

 

Her curiosity was normal, your response (so far) seemed perfect, and I think that you managed to resolve it with your conversation with her alone. I don't think a punishment is going to do anything that hasn't already been accomplished, via your conversation, and your daughter's own train of thoughts.

 

 

:iagree:

[Mejane]

I haven't read every reply so forgive me if this has been mentioned, but speaking as the mom of a 14 and a 17 year old, you are coming to the age when punishment is best replaced by thorough discussion and examining of consequences... both of which you have already done. So, imo, you did fine and should let it go at that. :001_smile:

[kmacnchs]

Her "promise to God" worries me b/c if she is not able to keep the promise, it will likely turn into a cycle (porn, guilt, promise, "being good", "slipping", porn, etc.). Maybe talk to her about accountability and ask if she wants you to be her accountability partner in this matter (since she doesn't want anyone else to know). The men of my church have something set up where if they look at porn on their computer, one of the other men will be sent a notice type of email. That is a way to keep each other accountable.

 

I agree with others that she will have to earn your trust back (take away privileges for a time and give back as she has earned your trust more) but even after she has earned your trust, that does not mean that she will never do it again. Protect her by putting those parental blocks (or whatever they are called) on the computer but if it was an ongoing thing for awhile, chances are the temptation (at the very least) will creep back in. The devil gets us in our weakest moments. Set up an accountability situation with you and continue to keep the lines of communication open!

[BeckyFL]

For me, the talk you had together and her confession and repentance would be almost tainted by punishment. The battle has to be hers and hers alone. There will be too many opportunities in the future. If she internalizes the fight and it is not from external punishment that she avoids the temptations, she will be far ahead.

[LaissezFaire]

I also wouldn't be punishing her. I would put stricter parental controls on her computer. My dd has a laptop but she is on the couch near me when she is on it and it actually locks her out after 9pm so she can't sneak on it. If hers has windows vista I recommend making the master account yours and you can set time controls on it. She sounds very remorseful and I think I would keep communication open with her because she may be confused or effected by what she saw.