Any commuters?

[AnitaMS]

We decided that our children would live at home - we live near Washington, D.C. so there are lots of schools to choose from. However, we have gotten lots of comments about taking away all our children's fun! Even the director of the honors program our daughter is going to said something about the "extra stress" that commuter students have and that she should think about a lighter load the 1st semester. (It's a 10 minute commute!) I told him I thought it would be mitigated by the full night of sleep she'd get every night!

 

Any other commuters?

[Renee in NC]

We're not there yet, but ds is looking at a college he could commute to. We were discussing yesterday whether he would want to live on campus freshman year or not. It would save him a tremendous amount of money!

 

However, I commuted to all the colleges I ever went to because I had a child already. It was very, very difficult to really get involved on campus. Commuting was stressful and I envied my on-campus friends. Study groups were not easy to get into (they would meet at night) and clubs/extracurriculars didn't take on the priority they could have. It was less of an issue at schools where there were many commuters.

 

The school my ds is looking at has a core freshman curriculum for engineering students. They are generally clustered together in the freshman dorms. This could be a big plus for studying together. There are clubs (like the ERPB club with rocket building) that may spend hours and hours in the lab working.

 

I think it can work, but I would be leery of being a commuting student at a college where most students are resident. If my ds gets into his college of choice, we'll decide then. In his case, only freshman year would be an issue, as most upperclassman move off campus anyway.

[AHASRADA]

I commuted, and I never would have considered living on campus. It probably depends on your dc's personality. All through school, I loved my teachers, loved learning, but hated the cliqueish, immature behavior of the other students. Commuting to college was a way to benefit thoroughly from the academics, but pick and choose which social events to become involved in.

 

How do your dc feel about it? Since they were hsed, they might be curious about college life and think it would be cool to live on campus. Or, they might be like me, and have no interest whatsoever in drinking, partying and being distracted by social issues 24/7. I guess it depends on their idea of "fun".

 

I cannot imagine why a professor would think a commuting student would be "distracted", other than in his experience, perhaps commuters spent more time working, had young families to care for, etc. It may require a bit more self-discipline to study at home than student who are "stuck" on campus, but your dc are certainly experienced in taking responsibility for their education! I often spent 12-hour days at school, studying in the library outside of class, but when I was done, I could go to the comfort and quiet of my own room, eat a homecooked meal, and actually sleep!

 

Just because they are not living on campus, doesn't mean they won't make friends who do, and can hang out in their dorm to get a feel for that experience. If things get wierd/uncomfortable, they can take their car and go home!

 

So no, I see nothing wrong with commuting, as long as your dc won't feel deprived of a traditional college experience. And again, if they are curious, they can always try it out in a friend's dorm. Likely they will realize home is better!

Edited July 22, 2010 by AHASRADA

[Cedarmom]

My son will be commuting beginning this fall. With bus it will probably add about an hour total. He will be taking the bus too-so there is added time with that. He is vey happy to stay home. We said we would pay college tuition, but he would have to pay for the living in housing if he chose that. So far, he can't see spending money on it. Some people think we're making him miss fun, or depriving him. I think it saves us a bunch of money- and therefore neither he nor us we'll need to take out any loans.

[Yolanda in Mass]

Although my older son won't be living at home since the school is close to 2 hour away, he will be living off campus so will be a commuter of sorts. There aren't enough dorms for transfer students, but he wanted no part of living on campus anyway so he's happy to be off campus. Dorm living is highly romanticized and highly overrated and definitely is not for everyone. My son deplores the idea of living in a tiny, ugly dorm and sharing a bathroom with many people.

 

Yes, getting involved will take some effort but as someone posted, when you've had enough or things get dicey or weird, you can leave and sleep in peace.

 

Yolanda

[LBS]

I think that director of the honors program does not know what he/she is talking about. My daughter commutes almost an hour. It is not to save money, it is to give her the support of her family. She can experience campus life when she choses to. She lived on campus for a semester of summer school, and is thinking of doing so full time at some point, but she is shy and just not a kid who needed to "sink or swim". She's not all grown up at 18. I am so tired of the "college experience" being a neccessary rite of passage, miserable or wonderful. I see the plusses, but she's chosen to transition to it, not jump in with both feet. We found a solution that was great for her, but benefitted our whole family also. The saved money gives her the freedom to take summer classes, and travel.

 

We lessened/loosened the rules: she does not have to be home for dinner, and comes and goes more freely than a high schooler. She does have to observe house rules, and not make noise that disturbs her father's sleep schedule. Her household chores are not dependant on other chores getting done, she can let them go and catch up.....her brothers get the benefit of having a sister around longer. My core family is still intact, an extra couple years. Its been very nice. I guess I am not writing this very eloquently, but my short reply, when people ask why she is living at home, is this "She needed a little more family time, and the protection and comfort of home." She's honor roll at UMW, which is pretty rigorous, and happy....

[Yolanda in Mass]

I am so tired of the "college experience" being a neccessary rite of passage, miserable or wonderful.

 

:iagree:I think that's one of those myths that persists. Yes, dorm life can be exciting at some colleges for some kids, but we're not talking summer camp here, we're talking about an education. Dorm life may enhance the college experience, or it can detract from it as well.

 

Yolanda

[AnitaMS]

Thanks so much for your responses! My dd is a friendly, out-going sort, and even when she took a class at our community college last year she was going to get coffee with other students after class. She is joining a choir on campus and for the rest, she can still be in her church activities from home.

 

She really wanted to live on campus, but somehow after orientation (which was one night in the dorm) she hasn't said much about it. We've never given her a choice, so she doesn't really complain. "it is what it is" kind of thing.

 

Thanks also for the advice about loosening the rules. She's a great, responsible kid, but it sure doesn't hurt to have parameters.

 

A priest friend told us, "if they live at college they are tempted for 24 hours a day, but if they live at home, they are only tempted 10 hours per day - they get a break."

[newbie]

Thanks so much for your responses! My dd is a friendly, out-going sort, and even when she took a class at our community college last year she was going to get coffee with other students after class. She is joining a choir on campus and for the rest, she can still be in her church activities from home.

 

She really wanted to live on campus, but somehow after orientation (which was one night in the dorm) she hasn't said much about it. We've never given her a choice, so she doesn't really complain. "it is what it is" kind of thing.

 

Thanks also for the advice about loosening the rules. She's a great, responsible kid, but it sure doesn't hurt to have parameters.

 

A priest friend told us, "if they live at college they are tempted for 24 hours a day, but if they live at home, they are only tempted 10 hours per day - they get a break."

 

I love the priests advice. My dd is going to commute in the fall, I dont think it will scar her for life. She doesnt like cliques either. Just wants a great education and loves learning. She is kinda prickly like her mom, gotta warm up to us. So, living at home gives her time away from feeling like she always has to fit in or be accepted.

[Photo Ninja]

I think the director is wrong. There is not extra stress for commute students unless the commute is a long, hard one that may make a student late for class. That can add stress. But a ten minute commute is easy.

 

If the school is a commute school, then commuting is fine. The social environment is geared for commute students.

 

If the school is primarily residential then being a commute student can make it difficult for the student to get involved. Activities are planned assuming students live on campus. A commute student in that situation has to make an effort to get involved. Some students don't want to get involved more than attending classes, so it doesn't matter for them. For students who want to get involved, it takes more work and longer hours on campus. It may not be a problem for your dd, but it is something to be aware of. My ds said that some commute students who had a 10 - 15 minute commute felt left out of campus life and activities so they moved into the dorm. So much relationship building takes place outside of classes that some commute students end up spending nights in friend's dorm rooms so they can be involved.

 

But stress, no. Your dd may get more sleep, unless she is hanging out with friends at school who are staying up late, then adds her commute to that. But your dd could live at home and be fine.

[Nan in Mass]

We have a cousin who tried to commute. It was stressful - not the commute itself, but trying to mix school and family obligations, old life and new life, etc. There is something to be said for living in a place that is set up to try to let you focus on your education. There was a lot of family discussion about why the cousin didn't make it through the first semester, and the consensus among the adults was that none of us could have managed it, that as distracting as the dorms were, as much as we didn't like them, at least there was a sort of academic momentum that we could take advantage of and some protection from non-education issues. Most of us are shy enough that we had serious doubts about how easy it would have been to make friends or to spend time with those friends if we hadn't been eating meals and studying together. We also decided that to keep going with one's education when one is that age can be difficult and that it might be easier if the next four years of education one is expected to get through differed radically from the last four (high school) because that way one would feel one was getting somewhere, gaining some independence, etc. For someone who wholeheartedly wants to spend another four years sitting in a classroom, commuting might be easier, but for those who are less enthusiastic about school and classrooms and for whom college is a means to an end, commuting might make things more difficult. The cousin tried again, living in the dorms, and is doing fine now. Dorms? Older? Experienced? Who knows. I just know that having been forced to think it all through, we decided that we would try to avoid the commuting route because of the extra stress.

-Nan

[Yolanda in Mass]

[quoteThere is something to be said for living in a place that is set up to try to let you focus on your education.

-Nan

 

All your points may be quite valid for your cousin. But there are many situations when living in a dorm is a distraction from your education, and not a place that allows you to focus on it. I can think of several students in our homeschool group who opted to live at home after experiencing dorm life at our local state u. campus precisely because they couldn't focus on their studies.

 

Each of us have to carefully evaluate the school and the student before deciding whether dorm life will enhance or detract from the student's education. Again, depends on the school and the student.

 

Yolanda

[Nan in Mass]

That is why I said "try", and said I would be leery of it, not that I wouldn't consider it, etc.. The cousin just caused us all to think through the advantages and disadvantages; it isn't that we are using him as proof of anything. I've been thinking about this on and off, since my own children and their cousins are at the age to be going off to college (or already have), and thinking about it since I wrote that post about marking the difference between high school and college. Perhaps it is different for homeschooled students. Learning in the classroom is new (or mostly new) to the homeschoolers, marking the difference between high school and college. Perhaps that is enough of a change in itself. And I think it is highly possible that homeschoolers are less likely to put up with the nonsense one has to put up with when living in the dorms. The homeschoolers I know are much more likely to look for a different way to accomplish their goals rather than put up with uncomfortableness. There are finances to consider. It isn't that I don't think commuting works, or possibly (now that I've thought about homeschoolers specifically) that it is better. It is that I understand why the original comment about it being stressful was made, since we found the same thing to be true. In college, going to class and studying at night take a fair amount of self-discipline, and although I'm sure it can be done, trying to do it from a small home with a toddler in it, with family obligations and friends who are free after work and don't have to study inviting you to go to the beach can be difficult. Making friends in college classes could be difficult. It seemed like most of the friend-making went on in the dorms and their associated events, at my college at least. I hated the dorms, with their smell of vomit and urine and beer. It was as strong a deterent to discourage beer drinking as I can think of SIGH. My roommate was dealing drugs, unbeknownst to me, and her boyfriend semi-lived with us. I understand about how horrid dorms are. On the other hand, I did make friends, I studied at all hours with those friends, I had lots of great conversations, I found it helped me to learn self-discipline to hear other students using it, I learned to cope and get-along and all the rest, and I learned to live on my own in a semi-protected environment. I was glad to move off campus, but I am glad that I lived in the dorms for a bit.

 

I just wanted to say weigh the pro's and con's carefully...

-Nan

Edited July 24, 2010 by Nan in Mass

[Hannah C.]

I lived on-campus at my college and am now a commuter (yay being married!). My college is intended to be a residential campus - there is a requirement to live on campus through your junior year. However, those who live in the area with their parents can be exempted easily.

 

It can be much harder to get involved on campus as a commuter, since many social events take place in the evenings or on weekends, when commuter students are less likely to be around. I'm not talking just school events, either - I'm talking about hanging out with friends and getting to know classmates. People who live in a dorm are able to get to know each other rather well, in my experience, and those who don't live in dorms miss out on that unless they put a lot of effort into socializing. That being said, I have one friend who is a commuter and is one of the most sociable people I know. He spends a *lot* of time on campus after class hours are over, as well as spending time at friends' residences. Most of the commuters I know are not so successful.

 

I think it would be very difficult to get involved/make college friends if one had a lot of home responsibilities (aka the same ones as when one was homeschooled and lived at home, or something - not "be home by x time, clean up your room, clean up after yourself"). If a young adult is living at home and has the freedom to stay later at school if he or she so desires, that's great. If they *have* to be home as *soon* as classes are over, they will have very few opportunities to make friends.

 

When I lived on campus I went home every weekend to spend time with my boyfriend (now dh), family, and friends. I've never regretted that decision, but it has meant that despite living on campus I am not as involved with friends there as I could be.

[Yolanda in Mass]

As always, lots and lots of good comments and perspectives for people to consider. That's why I love coming here!

 

Yolanda

[Quiver0f10]

My son is heading into his 3rd year at the university here and he has been and will continue to commute. It saves him quite a bit of money by commuting so he doesn't mind. There are many days he stays at school and studies with his friends at the library or goes out to eat or whatever and then just drives home when they are done.

[Chris in VA]

Ds will be attending CC for at least fall semester and living at home. Being a CC, EVERYONE is a commuter. He is especially looking forward to moving to a non-commuter university.

 

We have just allowed him to take the car to work, largely because he just got his license...so some rule-relaxing is ok with us, but he still needs to be responsible.

 

It is nice on one hand to think of him being somewhat around here next fall (between work, school and girlfriend, it won't be much), but I'll admit I will worry less when I have less evidence of what he's doing. I do think there's a plus to having a kid live in the dorm or off-campus (I'm assuming by "commter" the OP is thinking of someone commuting from home)--there is more freedom for the student to experience student culture. It's not all bad culture, but a lot of it happens late at night or in the cafeteria (I'm thinking of all the conversations/bull sessions type things, and college-sponsored wholesome activities).

 

I also disagree with the priest, tho I get what he's saying--with the way kids are connected via internet, im, etc., temptation really doesn't take a break.

[emubird]

I lived in the dorms and hated it. It was SO distracting it was difficult to get anything done. It was also just uncomfortable, and having to eat at specified times just about drove me crazy.

 

My daughter's even worse than I am about being distracted and wanting to eat when she's hungry, not when the food happens to be served. Also, she has food allergies, so dorm food is really not a good idea. So she'll live at home. The commute is only about 20 minutes by bike (10 minutes by car).

 

For a social life, I think she'll do better getting to know people by getting involved in activities than meeting them in the dorm. Just physically being with other people doesn't make friends for her. She has to be working with them on something. So she's signed up for band and pep band and theater, for starters. She's also figured out where the ping-pong and pool tables are and intends to do a lot of skating at the ice rink.

 

Anyway, she spent Friday night in the dorm at the orientation session and while it was fun for one night, she's pretty sure she couldn't physically handle it for any longer. There was just too much noise for her -- and the dorm parties weren't even in session. It was the little things of people walking down the hall and opening and shutting doors that were keeping her up.

 

Also, I think studying in groups is a little overrated. All I ever did in study groups was help others, or get distracted by all the chatter. Helping others and having a social life is important, of course, but at some point, one does have to have the time to sit down and learn the material.

 

As for independence for my daughter -- just doing classes on her own is plenty independent. I don't think she's too worried about that. We're not planning on having her do a lot of required chores around here. She'll have enough to worry about. (However, she does help out when she has time.)

 

This past year she did 3 classes a semester at another nearby college while living at home, so it's not like she doesn't know what she's getting into. It is true she didn't get involved socially with the kids at that college, but the truth is, she just didn't have the time because she had too many other social things going on with theater and band and choir that weren't meeting at that school. If she concentrates her extracurricular activities at the college (which she'll now be allowed to do as a full time student), she'll probably get into the social scene fairly quickly.

[FairProspects]

It can be much harder to get involved on campus as a commuter, since many social events take place in the evenings or on weekends, when commuter students are less likely to be around. I'm not talking just school events, either - I'm talking about hanging out with friends and getting to know classmates. People who live in a dorm are able to get to know each other rather well, in my experience, and those who don't live in dorms miss out on that unless they put a lot of effort into socializing. That being said, I have one friend who is a commuter and is one of the most sociable people I know. He spends a *lot* of time on campus after class hours are over, as well as spending time at friends' residences. Most of the commuters I know are not so successful.

 

I think it would be very difficult to get involved/make college friends if one had a lot of home responsibilities (aka the same ones as when one was homeschooled and lived at home, or something - not "be home by x time, clean up your room, clean up after yourself"). If a young adult is living at home and has the freedom to stay later at school if he or she so desires, that's great. If they *have* to be home as *soon* as classes are over, they will have very few opportunities to make friends.

 

:iagree:There were 4 girls (including myself) who moved from our small town high school to a big city college that was supposedly a "commuter" campus. Two of us lived on campus and two lived off-campus. Granted, the two commuters did not live with their families, although they were only about a 15 min. bus ride away from the school. Within the first year, both commuters had dropped out and moved home. One girl finished her degree at an online school, the other just quit college. Both of us who lived on campus, finished our degrees at the university and graduated with honors. The girls who moved home both stated that commuting was too stressful, took away from their studies and did not give them enough opportunities to meet people and join the campus community.

 

I saw this happen several times in college, not just with people from my high school. I would meet someone, they would tell me they were moving away from the school into the city for the next year, and then you would hear later that they had quit school. It was frequent enough that when any of my friends considered moving off-campus, I would recommend against it. For many students, commuting just does not allow you to be engaged enough with the college life (I don't mean the crazy parties, but the study groups, research facitilites, coffee chats, etc.) to perservere to the degree.

[AnitaMS]

My dd is going to be in a program at a huge university that's a "living and learning" program. It has only 90 students in it, and she'll have her basic freshman classes (bio, chem, Eng) with these same students, plus a colloquium each semester. All but two students (my dd and another student, who are both commuting) will live on the same floor in a dorm - together. There is a study room there, and the two commuters will be able to use it. Our dd is already texting with kids from program, and I'm expecting that she will make good friends there easily. She won't be living with them the whole time, but I imagine that she will stay there to study, and probably sleep over sometimes too.

 

So for her case, I don't think she will feel left out - she is taking a dance class, plus choir, and wants to join the ballroom dancing club. At orientation, she enjoyed the camaraderie with the other students, but when they wanted to go to the bar, she opted to stay with the "let's order pizza" crowd.

 

I do see the point about responsiblities at home, and juggling the two worlds. We'll try to have clear rules about what she has to do, and then try to not nag (!!) in the meantime and let her do it at her leisure.

 

She has homeschool friends that have commuted to the same school, but they, honestly, were only interested in the schoolwork and their boyfriends (sigh). We'll see.

[AnitaMS]

As always, lots and lots of good comments and perspectives for people to consider. That's why I love coming here!

 

Yolanda

 

So true! Thanks everyone!

[distancia]

Great and timely post--my D and I were just discussing this yesterday! D is very finicky [an only child] and likes her quiet and privacy. She is rarely in bed after 11 pm and wakes quite early, also.

 

I think there are a LOT of things to consider, but IMHO, it is the dorm life during nights and weekends that matters most. Some colleges have "Honors housing" for honors and/or "serious students" [shouldn't they ALL be serious?] who want quiet hours from, say, 11 pm to 8 am. Some have "quiet floors". Other colleges (usually the smaller and/or religious ones) have campus-wide quiet hours. Single rooms are also a great option, even though they may cost a bit more. Lastly, one can request a studious, quiet roommate.

 

I suggest visiting the dorms at night, if at all possible, on a Thursday or Friday night to see what life is like.

 

From my own experience (I went back to school as a slightly older student age 25):

 

I lived on campus for 2 years and I also commuted for 2 years. For my first semester I attended a N. FL state college and the on-campus housing situation--loft bedrooms opening onto a living room downstairs?--was abysmal. Of course, being older, I found my freshman roommates immature. There were 4 of us and by the end of the semester, only two of us were continuing. The two other girls were failing: one put all her energy int oa Sorority, the other was homesick and decided to move back home.

 

Then I transferred to a small public Honors college and the students were super studious. Though they did "party" on weekends, weekdays and night were calm. Some students were nocturnal but they were still pretty quiet. Also the housing situation was much better--lots of single rooms in concrete buildings!--and even for those sharing a room, it wasn't hard to find a "quiet" roommate.

 

Then I moved off-campus for purely financial reasons. The first place I moved to was a shared condo and the price was great and the facilities plush, but the commute--about 30 minutes each way--was too much. Then I moved closer, about a 20 minute commute. Still okay, but not close enough that I could make a quick drive home between classes. Then, I moved closer still, about 15 minutes: an improvement. But the last 9 months I lived on the very edge of the campus, and I could walk (about 10 mins) ride a bike (about 5 mins) or drive (about 3 mins, max) and that was the very best situation. I felt connected to the college, the students, the profs, and the faculty, yet I didn't feel totally submerged in it.

 

Having experienced all this, I have advised my daughter that if she chooses to go to an "away" school, she request honors/quiet floor housing (she will) and find a dorm apartment layout where each student has his/her own private bedroom (see link for sample layout).http://www.stpete.usf.edu/housing/images/4bdrm-Single-Apartments-lg.jpg

 

If she chooses to go to college (my alma mater) here in our town, it is still a 45 minute drive each way so dad and I insist on her rooming at the college. There are many single rooms there. Plus, I want her to be immersed in the academic environment of the school, it is a very intellectual community.

Edited July 29, 2010 by distancia

[LibraryLover]

One of my dorms was a campus house. There were about 30 of us in the building (all women). I loved it. There were no parties in the house, and we would gather often in the eveings in the lounges to snack and talk. It was really nice. My 10 yrs -younger sister attended an all-women's college and they had 'tea' in the afternoon. It was a long standing tradition (stll is) and was pretty cool. There were no parties in the dorm (in fact, the 'house mother' was a house family with a young child). Which is not to say the young women there who wanted to attend parties couldn't find them at other local schools. ;) It depends on the person.

 

My dh attended a university known for parties, but he never lived in one of the large dorms (Which were insane). He had an on-campus apartment two years, and lived in a small dorm the other two years. Both were extremely quiet and private. But again, one could walk to any number of noisy gatherings or bars.

 

My oldest goes to a school several states away, and of course lives on-campus, this year in a college apartment. The first two years he lived in a small dorm, with mandatory quiet hours. One year he lived in his fratenity house, and made Dean's List both semesters, in fact. I thought it was far too smelly... Like dirty old and moldy socks.

 

My next child wants to live at home at first, and then try campus housing. She says she will ask for an honor's dorm/floor. I am hoping she will change her mind and want to attend my sister's alma mater. She has already nixed my own college totally. lol My dh's school is too big for her needs.

 

Going away to college as a mature young adult will make the biggest difference. A college with housing options (amd most have them) is very important.

Edited July 31, 2010 by LibraryLover