Are you humble with your children?

[jld]

How so? How do you maintain humility and authority at the same time? What fruits have you seen from your efforts in this area?

[Dayle in Guatemala]

I have no problem admitting when I'm wrong or when I've rushed to judgement on something and asking them to forgive me. The fruit of that are kids who easily forgive and can take responsibility for their actions and as for forgiveness of others.

[easygoer]

How so? How do you maintain humility and authority at the same time? What fruits have you seen from your efforts in this area?

 

My take on 'authority' is to focus most on the "a person with experienced knowledge" definition of the word. You can be an authority and still have humility (it may even be easier ;))

 

We've discussed once or twice "why follow my directions?" and the focus in my house is "because Mama can typically be counted on to have good, experienced ideas."

 

The fruits of this, IMO, is trust between the two of us and a reasonable level of peace in the house. And understanding/acceptance that people have bad days and make mistakes.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I think apologizing when I'm wrong is one way that I show humility.

 

I will also admit when I don't know something.

 

I also talk with the kids about some of my struggles even as I talk to them about how they can handle some of their struggles.

[ThatCyndiGirl]

What Jean said.

 

Also, I do not believe that humility and authority are at opposite ends of the spectrum. To me, the opposite of humility is pride and pride really has nothing to do with authority.

 

Admitting when I'm wrong, pointing out when I've made mistakes (not every single time ad nauseum, but particularly when it is obvious, even something small like, "oops, turned the wrong way down that street".) is key, I think to EARNING respect. Who wants to have a know-it-all blowhard bossing you around? Someone who makes as if they never make mistakes? yuck.

 

When they see us admitting fault/failure and picking up the pieces, brushing ourselves off, apologizing if called for and moving on it is a powerful force, a wonderful life lesson on how to handle stress, adversity, failure, etc.

 

Maybe the best thing we can teach our kids is not how to succeed, but how to fail. There are good lessons to be learned in failure that sometimes lead to great success.

[elegantlion]

What Jean said.

 

Also, I do not believe that humility and authority are at opposite ends of the spectrum. To me, the opposite of humility is pride and pride really has nothing to do with authority.

 

Admitting when I'm wrong, pointing out when I've made mistakes (not every single time ad nauseum, but particularly when it is obvious, even something small like, "oops, turned the wrong way down that street".) is key, I think to EARNING respect. Who wants to have a know-it-all blowhard bossing you around? Someone who makes as if they never make mistakes? yuck.

 

When they see us admitting fault/failure and picking up the pieces, brushing ourselves off, apologizing if called for and moving on it is a powerful force, a wonderful life lesson on how to handle stress, adversity, failure, etc.

 

Maybe the best thing we can teach our kids is not how to succeed, but how to fail. There are good lessons to be learned in failure that sometimes lead to great success.

 

:iagree:I feel very transparent in front of my child. IMO that's a good thing. Homeschooling is one of the factors in that, simply because we are together so much.

 

I feel like it has helped our relationship because he know we're not perfect, but we keep moving on. My hope is that he'll know it's okay to fail and fall and it's even okay to allow someone else to help when needed, that part can be humbling for a parent.

[BikeBookBread]

Often, and probably not as often as I should be.

[Peela]

I dont think my authority comes from an especially arrogant place. It is often negotiable, if they negotiate respectfully. My kids know I dont feel I know everything, or that my was is the only way.

 

Just this afternoon, dh and I were laying a firm boundary for dd16, who wants to go to an "after ball party" on Saturday, after a long awaited ball she has helped to plan, for Venturers. The "after party" begins at 12.30am!

So....we said no, and she was very upset for a while because for some reason she had her heart set on it.

We told her it was too late for us to be out at night driving, that we understood other parents said yes but not every parent would, that we werent happy with her being driven from the ball to the party by a teenager, and that she had chosen to get in with a bunch of friends who were generally older than her and when she was older sh ewoudl have more freedom too. And we told her we loved her to bits, that we didnt say no without consideration, and that one day when she has kids she may well understand why we woudl say no.

She calmed down and after some time in her room grieving, she came out and thanked us for allowing her to go to the party she is going to tonight.

 

So....we really try to be reasonable and to help the kids realise we are human and we dont make decisions arbritarily or because we want to make their lives miserable. It doesn't always work, and sometimes especially our son is quite obnoxious and just wants what he wants and wont see reason..so we end up having to stop justifying and being reasonable, and just lay down the law, black and white, for him.

 

I also dotn feel we have a huge generation gap. I talk freely and openly with my kids about issues I have with various things. I dont play the authoritarian parent much- quite the opposite. Dh is more authoritarian but probably not even as much as my parents were, and they were fairly laissez faire. Times have changed....most parents I know are fairly reasonable- probably too reasonable, really.

[ereks mom]

What Jean said.

 

Also, I do not believe that humility and authority are at opposite ends of the spectrum. To me, the opposite of humility is pride and pride really has nothing to do with authority.

 

Admitting when I'm wrong, pointing out when I've made mistakes (not every single time ad nauseum, but particularly when it is obvious, even something small like, "oops, turned the wrong way down that street".) is key, I think to EARNING respect. Who wants to have a know-it-all blowhard bossing you around? Someone who makes as if they never make mistakes? yuck.

 

When they see us admitting fault/failure and picking up the pieces, brushing ourselves off, apologizing if called for and moving on it is a powerful force, a wonderful life lesson on how to handle stress, adversity, failure, etc.

 

Maybe the best thing we can teach our kids is not how to succeed, but how to fail. There are good lessons to be learned in failure that sometimes lead to great success.

 

 

:iagree:

 

Also, I think that making mistakes and having to ask for forgiveness models Christianity at its core.

[eternalknot]

How so? How do you maintain humility and authority at the same time? What fruits have you seen from your efforts in this area?

 

I'm humble in general, and that includes with my children. If I'm wrong, I say so - in the same way I would expect them to (with sincerity, not out of obligation or force to). If I've reacted too harshly, I apologize without justification of the behavior. If I've under-reacted, I do the same without qualifying my behavior. I'm honest about my challenges and faults as an individual, wife, mother, daughter, et cetera, including my journey to personal growth in those areas. On the flip side, I'm also honest about my strengths in those same roles, which may cancel out some of the humility LOL.

 

My authority comes more from a place of respect, I think. My kids may not always like my decisions or rules, but they know I'm reasonable and fair. They know I take them into account and don't pull the "I'm the Parent, I Say So!" uber-authoritarian card just because I can. Most things are up for discussion, if that can be done respectfully and calmly (on the kids' part) but that probably only succeeds in changing my mind 25% of the time. They're usually happy enough to have been heard, IME, and to have my position explained in terms they can understand and relate to. Not always, but usually.

 

Personalities play a part in it, too, though. My kids are pretty intuitive and both have a strong sense of fairness and justice. They see that I'm both of those traits, even when I'm "against" them and they don't like it. I'm pretty easy-going, too. It doesn't bother me in the slightest to explain my position or defend my decision, even to my kids. I have friends who feel they shouldn't have to, and who get further upset when their kids push them to. Just different personalities at play. My kids and I are a good match ;) fortunately!

 

Fruits: my kids are both generally fair and reasonable, with each other and in their greater friendships. There is a five year age gap between my two and I come from a culture that emphasizes a family hierarchy. My eldest is very responsible and reasonable when left in charge of the youngest; he neither abuses his position, nor trivializes it. My youngest really looks up to the eldest and trusts him much more than I see her peers trusting (or even liking) their older siblings. They have a good, solid relationship that will carry them through to adulthood very well. Especially when the parent-child relationship undergoes the normal challenges of adolescence, I expect that the sibling relationship here will keep the younger relatively on-track. I had the same sibling relationship myself, and credit it (then AND now) to really impacting my own decisions and life choices :)

 

Final fruit -- my kids and I rarely engage in power struggles. To me, that so distracts from the heart of the problem that (a) it's a waste of time/energy, and (b) it's counter-productive. Modeling the behavior I expect of them has gone a long way in making our day to day relationship function smoothly, particularly when we have behavior or attitude issues to tend to.

[LibraryLover]

Yes.