My children want friends

[Robin's Song]

:glare: I knew dd6, the social butterfly, wanted a friend. But now my sweet ds4 told me he wants a boy friend. I guess his sisters aren't cutting it anymore. Ugghh. We just moved to VA from another state (we're military) so we don't really have a social network here. But to be honest, we didn't where we were last stationed either. The kids seemed to be happy seeing their friends at church and having dinner with friends now and then.

 

I don't even know where to start. I have had littles for SO LONG. We have never done play dates or park dates or anything like that. Just the thought of it exhausts me. I don't know when I became antisocial. I'm only in my late twenties and pre-kids we had a ton of friends. Now I feel socially awkward (6 years of toddler talk?) and the thought of taking all four kids out of the house on my own is very unappealing. We could go to the park, but it is hot and I have an infant. Bowling--hard to help the olders when I'm taking care of the baby. The beach--too many littles to supervise. Library--ha! Do people really take babies and toddlers to the library?! My neighbor homeschools and invited me to join her co-op, but I would have to stay and work childcare. I don't want my ds3mos in childcare. Plus, I can't really commit to anything on a consistent basis.

 

I understand their desire for friends. Darn it, I wouldn't mind having a friend :tongue_smilie:. I'm just overwhelmed and don't know where to start. I can't let my own issues overwhelm me and deprive my kids of some innocent childhood fun. Where do I start? I have joined a few yahoo homeschool groups in my area and a lot of them are very active. Any tips on getting a baby/toddler/preschooler/schooler out the door without losing my mind? Where to meet people? Thanks!

Edited June 30, 2010 by Robin's Song

[NanceXToo]

meetup.com was my best friend. For real!

 

Before I started homeschooling, I joined a stay-at-home-moms group on meetup.com.

 

Fortunately they were very active and they would do things at parks and each other's houses and occasional field trips, and the kids would be able to play, and the moms could casually chat, and a couple of the other moms and I ended up relating to each other better than others and therefore started planning social get togethers outside of the meetup group- bbq's at each other's houses and whatnot.

 

Now I belong to a homeschool group on meetup (which happens to have a couple of the same moms from the SAHM group, which was nice- I went into it already knowing 3 people) and, again, it's an active group, so we're always going on field trips and outings and getting together.

 

That's been very important, both for the kids and I. They get to play with other kids, and I get to chat with other moms instead of just sitting on a park bench by myself or something, which is no fun at all :)

 

So if you've got active hs groups in your area, I say go for it! RSVP and just go! :)

[Robin's Song]

meetup.com was my best friend. For real!

 

Before I started homeschooling, I joined a stay-at-home-moms group on meetup.com.

 

Fortunately they were very active and they would do things at parks and each other's houses and occasional field trips, and the kids would be able to play, and the moms could casually chat, and a couple of the other moms and I ended up relating to each other better than others and therefore started planning social get togethers outside of the meetup group- bbq's at each other's houses and whatnot.

 

Now I belong to a homeschool group on meetup (which happens to have a couple of the same moms from the SAHM group, which was nice- I went into it already knowing 3 people) and, again, it's an active group, so we're always going on field trips and outings and getting together.

 

That's been very important, both for the kids and I. They get to play with other kids, and I get to chat with other moms instead of just sitting on a park bench by myself or something, which is no fun at all :)

 

So if you've got active hs groups in your area, I say go for it! RSVP and just go! :)

 

It's not weird when you don't know anyone and just show up? Or is that just the way it works? I feel like such an idiot :tongue_smilie:.

 

Littles away from home mean nursing in public, public restrooms...I can talk myself out of it before I even try :D. Which, of course, is why we are where we are!

[runmiarun]

I so sympathize with you. My ds4 wants more friends so bad and now so does my ds2. But with a 15 month old and #4 on the way, I'm doing good to make it outside before it gets too hot. I do recommend starting small, say taking your kids to the park by yourself. You don't have to stay long, just enough to get everybody out and see how it goes.

 

One thing that has helped me was joining MOPS, Mothers of Preschoolers at one of the local churches for $65 for the year (Sept-May). We went 2x month and they have babysitting included in the price. I got to socialize and nobody looked at me too weird when I turned my back and covered up to nurse. The boys had a blast meeting new friends. We've had some of their friends and mom come over for morning or afternoon playdates, but only one family at a time so we're not all overwhelmed. The key for me is having somebody over here. I'm very uncomfortable at others homes since I'm always on pins and needles about my rambunctious boys breaking something in their rapid curiosity. But I'm quite comfortable having a couple of extra kids running around the yard with the boys while I attempt to chat to another mom.

 

I'm a complete and utter hermit who rarely likes to leave the yard, much less the neighborhood. This only progressed rapidly in the past 5 years. I don't want to pass too much of that off onto the boys so some days I just have to force myself to venture forth. I still can't make the library since ds4 doesn't like large crowds (which turn out for story time) and ds2 wants to climb the shelves to see what's up there. I only attempt the beach early in the morning and if someone else goes with me since I have 2 wanna-be seals and a sandcastle architect extraordinaire who refuses to get wet. Also, all 3 of my children like to greet the sun as it rises in the morning so by the time most of their friends are heading out to play (10amish), we've been up for 5 hours and are heading towards napland.

 

I joined a local homeschool support group this past fall that has been a huge blessing for making friends for the kids. They meet for playdates monthly, usually at someone's house and since everybody has 2+ kids and some teenagers thrown in to do "extra eyeballs", there are plenty of "eyeballs" watching my kids. I can actually get a complete sentence out to another adult. It's a completely freaky thing. I used big, adult words and everything. I cried on the way home I was so happy. And the boys happily chased the other boys around a tree shaking dead branches at each other.

[NanceXToo]

It's not weird when you don't know anyone and just show up? Or is that just the way it works? I feel like such an idiot :tongue_smilie:.

 

Littles away from home mean nursing in public' date=' public restrooms...I can talk myself out of it before I even try :D. Which, of course, is why we are where we are![/quote']

 

That is totally just the way it works :) I certainly remember being a bit nervous showing up at my first event not knowing anybody, but everyone was very nice and I didn't feel excluded or anything- kids are easy to start chatting about, I mean, if you're a SAHM or a HS mom, you've already got things in common with the other moms- so just make casual conversation about it, and see how it goes :)

 

Remember, everyone in the group was or is new at one point or another! And they're all there because THEY want to meet people and have social opportunities, too, right??

 

Edit: Actually on meetup, there's a message board for the group, so you can introduce yourself and chat a little with people there, first. And there's a calendar listing the meetups and you RSVP so you're not exactly just showing up unannounced. I think in your case being as your nervous you should feel free to admit that on the message board! That you're a little nervous to come to your first event not knowing anyone but that you're looking forward to meeting everybody and making friends for your kids and yourself- then people will probably make a point of making you feel more at ease when you do go :)

 

ETA: Oh and odds are in a group of moms you're not going to be the only one who is nursing or who has nursed... don't talk yourself out of it!

Edited June 30, 2010 by NanceXToo

[NanceXToo]

I can actually get a complete sentence out to another adult. It's a completely freaky thing. I used big, adult words and everything.

 

LOL yeah with my first meetup group, I used to joke that I was so happy I had the opportunity to speak to people in words consisting of more than one or two syllables. It can be very lonely being a SAHM without a social network like that, for sure!

[tofuscramble]

Mine too! I'm always looking on these boards for people who live in our area. Our area has really great schools and people live out of pocket, in apartments and take on jobs they don't love just to send their kids to school here. Needless to say, homeschooling is not the popular option by a long shot.

My boys are always complaining that they don't have enough friends. :( I'd really like to see my 7 year old have more friends, actually just one would be great at this point!

Edited June 30, 2010 by tofuscramble

[~Kirsten~]

Definitely, definitely just show up one day for something on one of the homeschooling groups that feels low key enough to you! Maybe, to make yourself do it and to ease your fear about showing up, respond to the poster and say that you're new to the area and would like to come. Then, you're more likely to actually show up. ;)

 

I only have two, but it's still overwhelming sometimes to get out of the house. And only now, with my youngest 4, am I willing to do the library. Seriously! We reserved books and ran in and out, unless it was a storytime (and even then, in and out).

 

Also, don't beat yourself up! It's summer. It's insanely HOT right now. You're new. You're allowed to get settled. Really. It's okay. I know our area homeschoolers are winding down for the summer. I expect things to be hopping again in the fall. So, if not much comes across your radar right now, that's okay. Fall will be busy!

 

Last year I took the (huge for me) plunge and posted on our Yahoo group. I asked for kids in K/1st to meet at a park, and I mentioned that I'd be bringing my 3-year-old and that younger kids were definitely welcome. It scared the pants off me! Truly! But I've made several really nice mom friends and my girls have a group of homeschool friends. I've made a bunch of casual aquaintances that way, too. So there's an idea for you. There may very well be a great family out there with a mom, just like you, terrified of asking but wanting friends, too. :001_smile:

[plansrme]

You sound overwhelmed and tired and anti-social (I'm not being judgmental--these are all words you used in your post). If the thought of getting 4 kids out of the house is more unappealing than staying in the house with 4 kids, particularly when you used to have friends that you don't have any more, I would seriously consider whether you have some needs that are not being met.

 

Everyone has given you some good practical suggestions about getting out with the kids, but have you considered starting with getting out without the kids?

 

I really don't mean to be harsh, but you just sound like you need a break before you can effectively meet your kids' needs.

 

Terri

[kwickimom]

I was in the same boat as you but only 2 kids. My stay at home moms group literally saved my sanity. The firsy day was weird as can be, but I fit right in. I am the tyoe to be able to fit in most places though.

 

I say just find a group and give it a try! My DD met a friend she will have for life and I only wish I joined it sooner!

[kwg]

Where do you live in VA? You could come to our co-op :D We are very laid back and having a couple of nursing toddlers so it doesn't bother anyone ;)

[Robin's Song]

You sound overwhelmed and tired and anti-social (I'm not being judgmental--these are all words you used in your post). If the thought of getting 4 kids out of the house is more unappealing than staying in the house with 4 kids, particularly when you used to have friends that you don't have any more, I would seriously consider whether you have some needs that are not being met.

 

Everyone has given you some good practical suggestions about getting out with the kids, but have you considered starting with getting out without the kids?

 

I really don't mean to be harsh, but you just sound like you need a break before you can effectively meet your kids' needs.

 

Terri

 

Yeah, no kidding :tongue_smilie: Of course I am overwhelmed and tired--I have YOUNG needy children. I don't live near family. We are military and move every 3 years. We make friends and then leave them. I have no break. EVER. But I'm a cheerful person by nature and relatively content with life. I wasn't as overwhelmed before the baby came--I finally had a glimpse of life with older children ;). But the baby is our last and in a few years I know I will be missing these years (stressful as they may be). I could use a break--time to work on hobbies, friends, etc...But that isn't an option right now for several reasons, and I refuse to feel sorry for myself because of it. I'm trying to work with what I have.

 

Life with littles is hard, especially when you have several that are close in age. I had plans to go over to my neighbor's house last week to look at her Sonlight collection (12 years worth!). The kids were so excited to go visit and when we got there they all ran inside. Kid tells me mom isn't there but will be back. I felt uncomfortable being there without her so I told him we would be back in a bit. When I open the door their dog ran outside and took off, my kids melt down because they didn't want to leave when they just got there, and neighbor kid loses his mind. I herd my kiddos next door to my house, still hysterical. I then try to help neighbor kid chase down his dog while holding the baby who is crying because of the heat. We never caught the dog, I went home, and by that time baby was ready to eat. Blech. Too much trouble. I went over when dh came home from work ;)

 

Am I going to get this from other moms in real life? At least at home I'm the only one questioning my mental health.:001_huh:

[Robin's Song]

Where do you live in VA? You could come to our co-op :D We are very laid back and having a couple of nursing toddlers so it doesn't bother anyone ;)

 

:D Thanks!

 

Hampton Roads.

 

There is a WTM yahoo group here, but they don't seem that active.

Okay, you guys have convinced me to take the plunge! I'll have to skip the upcoming waterpark meetup, but hopefully there will be something we can do. DD also starts swimming lessons next week. They didn't have openings for my littles. Oh well, it's a start.

[kwg]

We meet in Virginia Beach.

 

This is another very active group http://groups.yahoo.com/group/homeschooling-in-hamptonroads/

[Robin's Song]

We meet in Virginia Beach.

 

This is another very active group http://groups.yahoo.com/group/homeschooling-in-hamptonroads/

 

:lol::lol::lol:

I joined that group last week but I haven't introduced myself yet.

 

PMing you.

[LibraryLover]

We've met some of our best buddies in breastfeeding groups, and we've also met some really nice folks in our local Yahoo group.

[kwg]

:D Well good! You are on the right track then! It is a nice group. I think a little slower in the summers. There are lots of co-ops too in the area- some you have to stay but some you can drop off. Prob closer to fall they will start advertising more.

 

Good luck!

[Guest Dulcimeramy]

Yeah' date=' no kidding :tongue_smilie: Of course I am overwhelmed and tired--I have YOUNG needy children. I don't live near family. We are military and move every 3 years. We make friends and then leave them. I have no break. EVER. But I'm a cheerful person by nature and relatively content with life.

 

[b']Am I going to get this from other moms in real life? At least at home I'm the only one questioning my mental health.[/b]:001_huh:

 

:grouphug: You poor thing! I'm sorry you felt you had to give a defense.

 

It astounds me when other mothers act as if mothering little ones isn't difficult or tiring. Just because a houseful of children tie you down a little bit doesn't mean you are ready to stick your head in the gas oven. For Pete's sake.

 

I have four children and the older three are very close in age. I've BTDT on trying to weigh whether the potential for new friendships was worth dragging everybody out to an unfamiliar venue...at naptime...with nursing and diapers and etc...

 

I've also BTDT with knowing that "this too will pass" and trying to get all the enjoyment out of that last baby instead of wishing his life away so I could be normal and have more friends.

 

I hope you meet up with other moms soon who have kids the ages of yours (and are understanding of the stage you are in right now)!

[Robin's Song]

:grouphug: You poor thing! I'm sorry you felt you had to give a defense.

 

It astounds me when other mothers act as if mothering little ones isn't difficult or tiring. Just because a houseful of children tie you down a little bit doesn't mean you are ready to stick your head in the gas oven. For Pete's sake.

 

I have four children and the older three are very close in age. I've BTDT on trying to weigh whether the potential for new friendships was worth dragging everybody out to an unfamiliar venue...at naptime...with nursing and diapers and etc...

 

I've also BTDT with knowing that "this too will pass" and trying to get all the enjoyment out of that last baby instead of wishing his life away so I could be normal and have more friends.

 

I hope you meet up with other moms soon who have kids the ages of yours (and are understanding of the stage you are in right now)!

 

Thank you...really, THANK YOU!

[Robin's Song]

Definitely, definitely just show up one day for something on one of the homeschooling groups that feels low key enough to you! Maybe, to make yourself do it and to ease your fear about showing up, respond to the poster and say that you're new to the area and would like to come. Then, you're more likely to actually show up. ;)

 

I only have two, but it's still overwhelming sometimes to get out of the house. And only now, with my youngest 4, am I willing to do the library. Seriously! We reserved books and ran in and out, unless it was a storytime (and even then, in and out).

 

Also, don't beat yourself up! It's summer. It's insanely HOT right now. You're new. You're allowed to get settled. Really. It's okay. I know our area homeschoolers are winding down for the summer. I expect things to be hopping again in the fall. So, if not much comes across your radar right now, that's okay. Fall will be busy!

 

Last year I took the (huge for me) plunge and posted on our Yahoo group. I asked for kids in K/1st to meet at a park, and I mentioned that I'd be bringing my 3-year-old and that younger kids were definitely welcome. It scared the pants off me! Truly! But I've made several really nice mom friends and my girls have a group of homeschool friends. I've made a bunch of casual aquaintances that way, too. So there's an idea for you. There may very well be a great family out there with a mom, just like you, terrified of asking but wanting friends, too. :001_smile:

 

Great ideas! Thanks :001_smile:

[Rosie_0801]

ETA: Oh and odds are in a group of moms you're not going to be the only one who is nursing or who has nursed... don't talk yourself out of it!

 

You think you are the only one who is going to be late because someone needed a nappy change? You think you are the only one who's toddler throws tantrums? You think you are the only one who forgets to bring spare nappies? You think you are the only one who will forget the sippy cup? (I couldn't believe I found ours at a park out of town a whole fortnight after we'd left it there!) You think you are the only one who's kids aren't wearing socks? Etc, etc. I sent an email to pull out of our last homeschool playgroup because I was completely embarrassed that my dd would throw a tantrum every time the session was over and I'd have to drag her out to the car. The co-ordinator replied, laughing at me for quitting over such a thing and reassured me that her son had thrown some major tantrums and it was pure coincidence that he'd grown out of them before we'd jointed up. ;)

 

The reason people love play dates at the park is because there is plenty of space for the kids to behave like yahoos, there's no carpet to smear the banana into, it doesn't matter if you are a bit early or a bit late, or you have to leave early, or you can stay later without bothering anyone. All stay at home mums with babies, tots and preschoolers know what it is like to have babies, tots and preschoolers and they want to hang around with you because they know you understand too and won't judge them because they have peanut butter smears on their shoulder.

 

Rosie

[NanceXToo]

I went to bed last night and dreamed that I was at this "meetup" gathering with a woman I just met, only it wasn't my meetup gathering, it was hers. It was her very first one and she was nervous, and I was sort of like guiding her through it... some family came in and she was like "do I assign them seating?" and I was like "No, just introduce yourself and let them sit where they want..." And then I started showing her the forum/calendar for my meetup group so she could see how it worked.

 

It was weird.

 

I think it was because of you and your post haha. Too funny!

[Barry Goldwater]

:lol:

just kidding...you sound a bit like DW about 7 yrs ago. We are both introverted, meaning large social situations/meet & greets can be fun:glare: but are most assuredly exhausting. One-on-One friendship situations are typically ENERGIZING and much preferred...hence my snide (joking) intro...we ALL need to have friends.

 

We relocated to new area, no family/friends within 500 miles, one baby, then 2, then 3 little ones younger than 4, way out in the country, and I travelled a LOT for work back then...it was HARD on the Lady of the House...

 

One suggestion I didn't see...our local library had "story hour" for pre-schoolers, and the behavior expectations were low. Lots of ladies w/nursing infants, 2-3 yr olds screaming, etc. DW met a wonderful lady with (now) 5 children under 10, they've become great friends for years as a result, turned out they only lived 1 mile from us. AND their kids and our kids are friendly too.

 

Last suggestion, pray on it...God will send you a friend.

 

Platonic hug,