getting a driver's license later than normal

[Only me]

This is a bit of a spin off from my thread about my college age daughter living at home. She will be 18 next month and doesn't have her driver's license yet and I'm not sure what to do about it.

 

She had driver's ed two summers ago just before she turned 16. Her instructor was awful. We didn't know any better so we just stuck with it. The instructor expected the students to know how to drive even before their first lesson. My daughter had never driven before. The first day she had my dd drive downtown in a small city, during rush hour, with many one way streets. Needless to say, my dd was a wreck. I didn't know it at the time but the instructor wouldn't explain things but just yell. DD got through the driving sessions with the instructor but wasn't very happy about driving.

 

She needed 50 hours behind-the-wheel before she could get her license. This was a lot more difficult then I thought it would be since especially at first I didn't want dd to drive with her younger siblings in the car. She was also very hesitant at first due to the trouble she had with the instructor so I just thought she needed a little more time. My dh would drive her to school in the morning but his car was stick shift so she didn't drive. I would have her drive home from school as much as possible but since this was only a 15 minute drive it wasn't much. That summer I thought we could get a lot of practice in but we still had a lot of trouble fitting it in. DD was busy with poms most of the day and I was spending a lot of time taking my middle daughter to the doctor (several times a week). I tried to persuade dh to help me out by taking dd out to drive but he wasn't very cooperative and probably only took her out 2-3 times that first year. I realize now that my dh and I really dropped the ball.

 

So we had planned on having dd get her license last fall but she wanted more time. Then we said she would get it over Christmas break but it just didn't happen. Second semester was very stressful in school so I just let her concentrate on her school work and said that she could get her license over spring break. At that point she really melted down and told me how scared she was of driving. Until that point I never realized how much her instructor yelled at her and some of the other things that she said. I do know that the instructor quit a few months later since she was very unhappy in her job.

 

I decided to get dd a private lesson through another company. Her instructor was very nice and understanding. I was expecting him to come back afterward and tell dd all the things she needed to work on. He said that she did great a just had a few things to improve but he was sure that she would pass her driving test. So we gave her a few more weeks of practice and then I took her for her test.

 

Even when we were filling out the paper work she had this look of panic on her face and I could tell that she was holding back the tears. I thought that she just needed a bit of gentle pushing so I kept on encouraging her and telling her that she would do fine. She left for her driving test and came back 5 minutes later. Not only had she failed but she made some very serious mistakes. She drove the whole way to the testing center (about 1/2 hour from our house) and did great. I really thought that she was ready but she seemed to have a panic attack and freaked out.

 

Now I don't know what to do. We renewed her permit but she starts college in the fall and I don't really want to have to drive her even though it is only 5 minutes away. On the other hand, I don't know what I can do to get her past this. I talked to her yesterday about taking it again and she says that the last driving test just keeps on playing through her mind and she knows that she is going to freak out again.

 

We have had her eyes checked, although her vision is very poor without her contacts. With her contacts she supposedly sees fine. (Without her contacts she can't she the E on the wall unless she is one foot away.) During the test she actually pulled out into the wrong lane and then cut off another car when she was getting back into her lane. A few weeks before the test when she was driving with my dh (one of the few times) she completely cut off a car when making a left turn. She said that she never saw the car. She also did the same thing with me. I know that she was paying attention but she just didn't see the car.

 

On one hand I feel like we need to just tell her that she has to get her license since she is almost 18 and will need to drive. On the other hand, I'm worried because of the serious mistakes that she made. I'm also worried because anytime that she drives now she seems to freak out. Any suggestions? Life was so much easier when she was 5 :)

[Lisa in Jax]

You may think I'm crazy (and if you do, you will be in good company thinking so! ;-), but I'd consider getting her a session or two of EMDR. EMDR is a technique a counselor can do in her office. It's very quick, and usually works in only a couple of sessions. It involves having your dd talk about the traumatizing event(s) and using a proven technique of tapping alternate arms to help her break the connection between "driving" and "freaked out." It sounds "woo-woo," but it has been used on Vietnam vets and other war vets, and it really works. The combination of talking about the events and the tapping removes the physical connection to the event. So, she ought to be able to think about the events w/o the panicked feelings.

 

Google "EMDR" for more info. It really ought to help, and it's quick and painless. :)

 

Lisa

(SAHM now, but trained as a mental health counselor)

[Starr]

She needs to drive more before she takes her test again. Many young adults do not pass their test the first time. It sounds like she needs to be driving every chance she gets with you or your husband even if she doesn't want to go to the store. If she hangs out at home without her contacts in I would also get her a pair of glasses that she can put on quickly. If she's making big mistakes you don't want her on the road alone. I would tell her it's part of her college plan to drive, drive, drive. Be brave and good luck. This is all easy for me to say as I sit here looking at my newly 16 year old. :)

[lionfamily1999]

I agree with Starr. Turn your dd into the family chaffeur for awhile.

 

The first time I had to drive in Northern Virginia I thought I was going to die. Except that my grandmother insisted I continue driving I'd have quit and never look back.

[Big Buckin' Longhorn]

My son didn't have the anxiety issues your daughter seems to, but we simply made driving part of his daily routine.

 

When he first began, at 15, we just drove around the block every day.

 

He had never driven ANYTHING before, not even a go-cart, so sometimes it took a while, LOL. We'd drive during the day while the other kids were at school and many adults were at work. We did that for a couple of weeks . . . then we progressed to going around two or three blocks with a left hand turn . . . eventually we began driving to different locations only on the access road . . . then we began using only the right lane on the highway . . . then the entire highway . . . then we practiced night driving . . . and then driving in the rain . . . etc . . .

 

The bottom line is he had to DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!

 

It became just as much a chore and commitment for me as for him.

 

Everywhere we went, I had to budget in 15 or sometimes even 30 extra minutes because I made him drive me EVERYWHERE: the library, the grocery store, anyplace I had to go - he had to go.

 

It was difficult for both of us at first; it would have been very easy for me to just drive myself, but he needed to learn to drive.

 

With experience, his confidence level rose and now he'll get in the car and drive wherever he needs to go and plus runs errands for me - BONUS!;)

[elfgivas]

on the other hand....

 

oldest dd learned to drive at age 18, having had an Unfortunate Incident during driving lessons at age 16.

 

second oldest dd wasn't ready at 16. wasn't ready at 18. (her assessment and ours) took course and in car lessons at 20. and again at 22. got license at 23, when she was ready.

 

for both older girls we paid the instructor for 20 in car lessons to avoid them driving with younger siblings in the car. totally worth it.

 

given the number of young drivers who die, we decided to just wait until they were ready. mostly, no one "needs" to drive, its just easier.

 

btw, we are rural, so it involved a ton more driving for me, on a daily basis, but for us it was so worth waiting.

 

wishing you the best in your decision making,

ann

[ChrisN in NY]

My oldest didn't get his license until he was 20 and at Bible school. He didn't get it earlier for financial reasons.

 

I didn't get my drivers license until I was 22 and married. Dh taught me how to drive. The year I went to community college, I had to find a ride to/from school and to my job. My mom or dad picked me up from work on those nights.

 

I understand that she needs to work through her anxiety about the test, but I wouldn't push her to get her license because of her age.

[sarawatsonim]

I'm 30 and never have had a drivers license. I barely pass the vision test successfully and think it is better for me to stay off the road. I have driven before, but I can honestly say that I am not a safe driver. My depth perception gets weird while driving and I miss things. I also can't see or read signs until I am almost past them. It gave me anxiety and stress and it made it dangerous for me and others. I don't know if your daughters vision is as bad as mine, but I wouldn't necessarily rule it out as part of the problem. Even her eye sight isn't the problem she definitely needs more practice. That much anxiety will cause her to be a dangerous driver. I don' think that waiting until she is comfortable and ready is a bad thing. She will probably take it more seriously and be a more mature driver than others her age if she waits. Not having her license isn't going to harm her in any way. Many college kids don't have cars and have to depend on buses, friends or walking anyway.

[Legomom]

I got my drivers license when I was 22 because I was graduating from college and knew that I would have to drive to work. I waited to get my license because I was very nervous driving. We lived in a small town and my mom taught me to drive. We started by driving around the block. I would drive on our street and when we came to the main street I would stop and she would drive because the main road was "busy". We laugh hilariously over this now because the main street of that town could not be described as remotely busy, but to me back then it was! I am sure the neighbors wondered what on earth we were doing.

 

I like the idea of practicing driving but I would definitely keep it on easy slow roads to start. Tell her good luck and not to worry or feel embarassed. I did for a long time and people would bug me about not driving at that age but now it isn't a big deal. She'll probably be a good, cautious driver.