BMW Posted June 16, 2010 Share Posted June 16, 2010 Okay... remember back in 6th grade when the class had to do some weekly topic paper and turn it in each Friday and the pretty girl always came in with her paper AND a clay statue... next week it was her paper AND a poster... on and on. She walked a little snooty, but always kissed up to the teacher. You might have been friends off and on... but felt a bit awkward about when she was nice to you. Why was she being nice? Did she want something? Was she genuine? OR the co-worker who doesn't necessarily throw his very best into the job, but kisses up to the boss as if he was the best one around... a total brown noser. I hear about him from time to time. He tends to put on his shows of how great he is for the employer and kisses up and exalts the boss when there is a trip coming up that he would get paid more to go on, rather than work at the shop... So, what do you think of people who are kiss ups? Do you ever tell them? Do you keep your thoughts to yourself? What are your thoughts? Have you had a friend like this? Would you want to tell your friend anything that might help him/her work on this? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted June 16, 2010 Share Posted June 16, 2010 Yes, I've known people like that. And yes, it has worked for them for a short while but often even the boss or teacher figured it out and did not respect them for it. And of course their peers figured it out right away. Usually even if they did get the plum assignment etc. it often came to bite them because they were not willing to put in the actual work. If it was an adult friend, I don't think I would say anything unless they brought it up first. If it was my child, I would talk to them about flattery, honesty and vanity. I would tell them that God wants them to do their best for His sake, not for the sake of how they will appear to others. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sharon H in IL Posted June 16, 2010 Share Posted June 16, 2010 People who are nice when they want something and unkind or worse otherwise have another adjective: manipulative. I avoid them like the plague, now that I can. And I never, ever trust them with anything important. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted June 16, 2010 Share Posted June 16, 2010 "A coward to the strong and a bully to the weak." I most dislike the ones who are nasty one day and seeeeeeeew sweeeeeet the next, and you are supposed to match your steps to the mood of the day. Ugh. I remember one woman who had gotten a cherry spot in a very tough residency program. She was doing aninternship year on her way to this plum spot. She transferred to our (horrible, dirty, inner city) hospital for the last 2 months because her mother was very ill with breast cancer in the same area. We should have felt sorry for her. If she'd just slacked on her work because she was distraught or busy, fine, but no, she had to knife us and steal our ideas and just SHINE in front of the attendings. Attendings she'd never need a letter from, a grade from, nothing, but she could NOT give up the idea of clawing her way to the top. The habit was ingrained. I wanted to pull her aside and say "you got your spot, and in 10 years you'll be making 10X what I will....can you just stop competing? Do you have to try and make your self look better at our expense even now?" I think she got her reward: I can imagine the kind of married and family life she ended up with. "Bitter divorce" comes to mind. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BMW Posted June 16, 2010 Author Share Posted June 16, 2010 Now, I really did go to school with a girl who did this in 6th grade. I never did think our friendship was genuine. But, it doesn't matter today. My dh does work with a man who does this. Pulls all kinds of nonsense, then covers it up and lays it on thick with the big bosses. I like that my dh just minds his own business and works, dependable, and honest as they come... that will serve him best. I do have a dd who can be manipulative. At times she has been hard to like. She whines. She is nice to get what she wants, too. We have had many "lets look in the mirror" talks to get her to see what it is like for us watching on and living with that. She has listened and works on it. She is 15. But, a son of mine... I have noticed it for a couple of years. He will be sticky sweet to others, hoping it will pay off. I don't know how to call him on it... I could say, "Hey, when you hug up to our friends, gaze up at them adoringly, smiling and saying you love them... but you hardly know them and you don't really mean "I love you" like we mean it, it isn't really honest or nice. You come across as someone insincere." But, can an 11 year old understand that? Sometimes I don't find his behavior appropriate... he hardly knows someone or rarely sees them and hugs and hugs, etc. Anyway... He also gets into a bit of trouble and can be a pain to be around. Then sidles up to me, gazes up and says, sticky sweet, "I loooove you." And I want to say, "Shut up!" BUT I DONT! Please don't think I do. I say, "I love you, too." I hate to hear him say "I looove you." Because it seems so fake. But, I cannot think of an appropriate way to discuss it with him. Once I shared that if we love our parents, we should show respect and actions that show our love... and that if he is disobeying on purpose, without caring that he disobeys, that is not loving. But, I only said that once. I am not sure that is okay to say... I am concerned because he is getting older. I want to have a long lasting, solid relationship with him. His grandma told me that when he was really little he was taught, "If you are a sweet, loving boy, you will get what you want." I can't judge the past, but I see who he is today. It really does bug me to have him love up to me when he has behaved quite badly... none of the other children have done that. He isn't coming up and saying, "I am sorry, please forgive me." He isn't trying to make things right. hmmmm. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Happy2BaMom Posted June 17, 2010 Share Posted June 17, 2010 How about asking him (when he's saying he loves you & your inner meter is going off)...."why are you telling me that?" or "what is your intention in telling me that? What do you hope will happen?" Even if it doesn't get it, it would then provide you an opportunity to explain why you are asking...that you are wondering if he is sincere, or if he is just hoping to smooth things over so that he has more points in the bank, so to speak, to draw from. I think it's important for kids to become aware of intention, even if they are of an early age. I've already had discussions like this with ds since he was 5 and he understands a lot more than you might think. Best of luck! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted June 17, 2010 Share Posted June 17, 2010 But, a son of mine... I have noticed it for a couple of years. He will be sticky sweet to others, hoping it will pay off. I don't know how to call him on it... I could say, "Hey, when you hug up to our friends, gaze up at them adoringly, smiling and saying you love them... but you hardly know them and you don't really mean "I love you" like we mean it, it isn't really honest or nice. You come across as someone insincere." But, can an 11 year old understand that? Sometimes I don't find his behavior appropriate... he hardly knows someone or rarely sees them and hugs and hugs, etc. Anyway... Sure a 11 year old should be able to start to understand that. I would expect my 8 year old to. He also gets into a bit of trouble and can be a pain to be around. Then sidles up to me, gazes up and says, sticky sweet, "I loooove you." And I want to say, "Shut up!" BUT I DONT! Please don't think I do. I say, "I love you, too." I hate to hear him say "I looove you." Because it seems so fake. But, I cannot think of an appropriate way to discuss it with him. Honestly? I would respond with "What do you want?" And if he asked me why I said that, I would tell him that he always seems to say it when he wants something. I don't think that's mean. Straight-forward, definitely, but not mean. Once I shared that if we love our parents, we should show respect and actions that show our love... and that if he is disobeying on purpose, without caring that he disobeys, that is not loving. But, I only said that once. I am not sure that is okay to say... Yes, I think that is totally ok to say! If he can't trust his mom to tell him the truth, then he's in trouble. I am concerned because he is getting older. I want to have a long lasting, solid relationship with him. His grandma told me that when he was really little he was taught, "If you are a sweet, loving boy, you will get what you want." I can't judge the past, but I see who he is today. It really does bug me to have him love up to me when he has behaved quite badly... none of the other children have done that. He isn't coming up and saying, "I am sorry, please forgive me." He isn't trying to make things right. hmmmm. If he behaved badly and then came up to me with sticky sweet stuff, I would say simply, "That isn't appropriate right now. What is appropriate is for you to tell me 'I'm sorry. Please forgive me.'" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mejane Posted June 17, 2010 Share Posted June 17, 2010 I agree with the above. You could also say, "I love you, too, but I do not like you when you are being manipulative. Come back and talk to me when you can be honest about your feelings and what you want from me." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
2cents Posted June 17, 2010 Share Posted June 17, 2010 People who are nice when they want something and unkind or worse otherwise have another adjective: manipulative. I avoid them like the plague, now that I can. And I never, ever trust them with anything important. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WTMCassandra Posted June 17, 2010 Share Posted June 17, 2010 On the flip side, I have been accused now and then of kissing up to teachers/employers, when the truth was that I simply was trying to do my best and genuinely liked the teacher/employer. And the people usually doing the accusing were, to put it nicely, NOT doing their best. And by doing my best I mean doing what was assigned to me, following the instructions. I definitely did not do extra things (unless it was really relevant and would make sense), and I definitely did not do anything for effect. Now, my DD does do the sickly sweet thing sometimes, or is sweet to my face and then disobeys me behind my back. Or she is wretched at home and sickly sweet at church. I HATE that. We do deal with it promptly (I think she is channeling my MIL--shudder). So please be discerning about this issue. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.