When do you say: "It's up to you now."?

[Chris in PA]

I just need to vent. My 17 year old dd who will be a senior is so frustrating. She has required lots of hand holding to get things done. She is my dc who always does the bare minimum of school work and if I don't check up on her daily will skip assignments she doesn't like or those that require any amount of work or effort. She is a very bright child just totally not motivated. She took her SAT last year and didn't do very well. I purchased lots of prep material and worked through it with her and she still did poorly. Fast forward to now..... SAT's are next Saturday. She has been "doing" SAT prep the last several months. I question how much "doing" she has been doing. I just decided today that I am done. This is all on her now. I am tired of nagging and tired of worrying about it. It is her future and she will be 18 in October. She wants to go to nursing school. The best school in our area requires SAT scores higher than the ones she has and it is very competetive. I guess I am realizing that this child may need a dose of reality and the real world before she gets serious about life. She works a part time job right now and says this is not what she wants to do the rest of her life. I guess if there was a college major in texting your friends she would be a whole lot more motivated.

Has anyone else experienced this? Any words of wisdom?

 

Thanks

[Liz CA]

Ah Chris, watching them stumble along or not have the same perspective as we have (in hindsight, though) is difficult.

I think you are right in telling her:"Now it's your deal. You make it happen, honey. I have provided you with the tools and with the advise."

 

I found that whenever I said that to my (now) 19 yo ds, he actually realized something along the lines of "Ohhhh, Mom is stepping out of this one and it's becoming my mess. I better turn it around."

 

One not so stellar SAT test will not mark her for life. It may delay entry into the nursing program but as you said, she will be more motivated next time around if she realizes that these "little" things are important.

In other words, consequences are a beautiful thing.

 

Also, perhaps she has prepped better than you think and will make the cut.

 

 

[Chrystal]

I am right there with you. My dd hasn't taken her ACT yet, but she is scheduled to take it in 2 weeks. I am at the same point. Either she has to want to do it, or not. I can't keep holding her hand and pushing her.

We are planning on dual enrollment at one of the local colleges next year. I am hoping it will give her a taste of what college and life will really be like.

[ubermomto5]

i disagree. i was that 17 year old, just not ready to grow up yet. i was responsible about somethings but 'adult life' things were confusing to me. unfortunately, my parents did agree that it was up to me - so i didn't graduate from high school. in fact, i didn't really 'grow up' and deal with those kinds of things till my own first child was born at 22 ( i was married, it was a good situation - i just didn't know how to be responsible in some ways).

i would stick with her as long as she lives at home. she may be the kind who is counting on you to step in and save her, or she may just not be ready yet.

[Rosie_0801]

i disagree. i was that 17 year old, just not ready to grow up yet. i was responsible about somethings but 'adult life' things were confusing to me. unfortunately, my parents did agree that it was up to me

 

I was in a similar situation and really could have done with more support around this age. I think the OP has done about as much as she can do for now though. I think it is appropriate to leave the ball in her daughter's court until the test, but to be very sure to emphasise that daughter should come and ask if she needs something else. If she doesn't do well enough on the test to get into nursing school, sympathise and take her for coffee and cake to console and formulate a new plan. Pretend you think she's been doing her best, even if you're not convinced! It'll make it easier for her to come back for help when she realises she needs it.

 

Rosie

[Chris in PA]

One not so stellar SAT test will not mark her for life. It may delay entry into the nursing program but as you said, she will be more motivated next time around if she realizes that these "little" things are important.

In other words, consequences are a beautiful thing.

 

Thanks Liz. I think I needed to hear that.

 

Thanks everyone else for your responses. I know in some areas she is not ready to grow up. She has always been my most emotionally needy child. And quite frankly it has taken my focus away from my other children at times.

 

I am starting to wonder how much of this is her way of rebeling? As I thought about this last night I realize that she wants to go to CC for nursing. However I have talked to several friends who are in the field she wants and all have said the hospital school is much better. What she wants to do is labor and delivery and it is very hard to get into that area where we live. Should I just tell her if CC is what she wants to do then the decision is hers? Maybe that's where she starts.....

 

Thanks for listening.

[Granny_Weatherwax]

Chris,

I am in a similar situation with my DD(17). Would you like to come over and start a support group with me? I'll provide chocolate, tissues and boxing gloves and a punching bag. We could play 80's music as loud as we want to. Do you like Duran Duran? Singing Hungry Like the Wolf while punching a bag can be very cathartic.

:grouphug:

[PiCO]

As for your title question, "When do you say: 'It's up to you now.'?"

 

I think parents should do this in small ways starting at about 8-10 years old. After all, our job as parents is to make independently functioning adults- and that does not happen overnight.

 

As for your specific question, I'm with Rosie- put the ball in her court and back off, but make sure your daughter knows you're there to help in any way she needs it. You can give advise, console her, help her develop a study plan, etc. But she's too old for you to make her or motivate her to do what you think she should do. (I learned this lesson the hard way last fall with dd 16.)

[AngieW in Texas]

My 17yo isn't very motivated either. She had pretty decent SAT scores when she took it back in January, but she just wasn't able to push herself through studying for a June retest. I tried working with her, but I've found that I really need to back off and get out of the picture. She needs me to be a support system rather than a teacher for now.

 

I ended up enrolling her in an SAT study class in my area. I knew an online study thing wouldn't work as well. She does better with face-to-face. I'm hoping that this will boost her score by around 150 points. I think that will at least get her into the running for scholarships.

 

She was trying very hard to find a job when she turned 15yo, but nobody would give her an application. They all told her to come back at 16yo.

 

At 16yo, she made one huge round of applying for jobs, got one interview that went nowhere, and then gave up.

 

She tried again just after her 17th birthday. Again, she got one interview that went nowhere and gave up. She just got a call yesterday to come in for an interview at Chik-fil-a, so hopefully something will come out of that. I think getting a job would be very good for her.

 

She got approved to take 4 courses at the cc in the fall rather than just the standard 2, so I'm hoping that she steps up to the plate and really works at it. She has thoroughly enjoyed her cc classes so far. I think a year of taking a full-time college course load (13 hours) while still at home will help a lot to prepare her for the next year when she leaves to go to a 4-year college. She'll still have one course that she does at home each semester (government and economics), but all the rest of her senior year will be at the cc. I'm planning to have her use Thinkwell for her at-home courses because then I am out of the picture.

[Chris in VA]

It's hard to let go, because you don't know if letting go will hurt or help, and you so want to help!:grouphug: Been there, Chris.

 

Look for all or nothing thinking in your reasoning.

 

You have laid out the scenario as if the hospital/needs a high score place is the only place she can go, or else it's the lesser CC program.

 

But there are TONS of nursing programs at Universities near you (and far from you). Ohio State happens to have a lovely one. ;) Do they ALL need a higher score than she has made? Do any of them accept a different test? (ACT?--Hey, OSU does! lol)

 

Perhaps some stepping back, some smiling "I'll be here if you need me, but I really think you can do it!" pep talking, and some letting go on your part are needed. Is she a perfectionist, too? Does she have a lack of confidence/self esteem? Sometimes at 17 life just seems like it's so BIG, like the Future is LOOOOming....so intimidating it makes one want to crawl into bed or go back to playing with dolls.

 

She actually has two more tries at the SAT--one in Oct and one in Nov. And, as I said, perhaps the ACT.

 

But is the problem bigger than this to you? Is it all the other stuff, too? And yes, I agree with your thought that this is rebellion, but in a passive-agressive kind of way.

 

Internal motivation may be the goal, not getting into nursing school. IDK. One will get her a job, but the other will get her a life. It's not either/or, of course.

 

Just some thoughts. Here's a :grouphug: for good measure.

Edited May 29, 2010 by Chris in VA

[ciyates]

Chris,

I am in a similar situation with my DD(17). Would you like to come over and start a support group with me? I'll provide chocolate, tissues and boxing gloves and a punching bag. We could play 80's music as loud as we want to. Do you like Duran Duran? Singing Hungry Like the Wolf while punching a bag can be very cathartic.

:grouphug:

 

Can I come too???:D

 

We are going through the same thing with our DS and Boy Scouts. We have kind of managed it for him and that isn't right. So we stepped back and today he faced his first failure. It was tough to watch but it is not the end of the world and next time he will know it is for real.

[Chris in PA]

Chris,

I am in a similar situation with my DD(17). Would you like to come over and start a support group with me? I'll provide chocolate, tissues and boxing gloves and a punching bag. We could play 80's music as loud as we want to. Do you like Duran Duran? Singing Hungry Like the Wolf while punching a bag can be very cathartic.

:grouphug:

 

Sounds great! Only we need to throw in some 80's hairband music as well!

 

So I sat down with dd this afternoon and casually talked about college. She does really want to try for the hospital nursing school. But she also wants to check out the CC as well. So we signed up for both open houses. We talked in general about the SAT. She felt that she needed a little more prep with math. So I told her which SAT math prep DVD's to use and put them out on the table. I told her that if she felt she needed the review they were there to watch. I wouldn't be checking up on her that it was totally up to her. She seemed really good with that. We will see how the week goes. I think she knows that I will be here for her but she needs to be taking on the responsibility.

 

Thanks to everyone for your great advice. I really have lots to think through.