kids and chores - what's realistic?

[Denisemomof4]

I need to know because I am getting BEYOND frustrated. I know it was a constant struggle to get my boys to do their chores, ON THEIR OWN, WITHOUT BEING TOLD. It took YEARS.

 

Well, my 10 yod is proving to have the same issue. I felt that I trained my boys not to do their chores until they were reminded by me so I'm putting in extra effort to have my dd do hers on her own. I have her write out her chore list 20 times each day. Yes, 20, because after 10 she still wasn't doing them. And I only started the writing assignment in the hopes it would get her to DO the chores after writing out her list. Nope! :glare: Today I told her to write out her chores and then do them. Well, she has ADD so she only wrote them out. I have had several concussions and have a HORRIBLE memory, so by the time she walked away from the table, what she was doing and what she had left to do was completely gone from my radar screen. Talk about frustrating!!!

 

So, the guinea pigs were never played with and I don't believe they've gotten their orange today. I'm sure she didn't take out the upstairs trash. And if I get up and see that she didn't hang her towel and suit after synchro practice, I just might cry so I'm not going to do that to myself, but I assume she didn't do that, either.

 

She's such a SWEET kid, but really, do our homeschooled kids rely on us more because we're always available to them? I've always wondered that. They are more responsible in that they can cook and clean earlier than most, but chores? I'm afraid I'm going to do this :banghead::banghead::banghead: and cause myself more concussions.

 

What's realistic? Remind her until she's a teen? Then forget to remind her and get frustrated once she's in bed and I realize she didn't do her chores again? That's what usually happens. FRUSTRATING!!!!!!!!!!!

[Joker]

I don't think it has anything to do with being homeschooled. I went to ps and I never willingly did any chores until I lived on my own. I would keep my room neat because I wanted it that way but I honestly didn't do the other things without being reminded. My dds have a checklist in their room and they're not allowed any tv / game / computer / play time until school and chores are done. How much are you expecting your 10 yr to do? Maybe its too much? I try to spread their chores out over the week so they're not too overwhelmed on any given day. I hope you're able to work it out.

[Denisemomof4]

I don't think it has anything to do with being homeschooled. I went to ps and I never willingly did any chores until I lived on my own. I would keep my room neat because I wanted it that way but I honestly didn't do the other things without being reminded. My dds have a checklist in their room and they're not allowed any tv / game / computer / play time until school and chores are done. How much are you expecting your 10 yr to do? Maybe its too much? I try to spread their chores out over the week so they're not too overwhelmed on any given day. I hope you're able to work it out.

 

no, not too much. Play with guinea pigs, give them orange. Empty bathroom trash into kitchen trash. Do laundry (she does the towels, supposedly, but hasn't started this yet.) and let out dogs.

 

She doesn't even watch tv or do video games/computer all that much! it would be impossible for me to make sure she gets her chores done before having time for those.

[EmeraldGirl]

Have you tried a chore chart? Maybe she is more of a visual type person and a chart with pictures would help?

[Ester Maria]

Tell her to give orange to the guinea pigs, NOW. Insists that she stops whatever she was doing at the moment, follow her, be literally behind her back until it's done.

Then move onto the next thing - trash from bathroom into the kitchen trash, again follow her, take her by hand if you must, and insist she does it right there, right then, with you behind her back.

Do that with every. single. chore she has.

 

Next day, repeat the procedure. Insist on getting it done quickly without delay. Repeat the same thing next day, and next day, until she figures out than unless she does it herself until that time of the day, you'll annoy her and breathe down her neck all the time.

No charts, no indulging her with writing and drawing (that's a very short list and I assume she's a healthy child with at least average memory), no discussion on why the chores matter, no talking, no distractions, nothing, just "business". Make it quick, tiring, bothersome and unpleasant. :D Success guaranteed.

[Denisemomof4]

Have you tried a chore chart? Maybe she is more of a visual type person and a chart with pictures would help?

 

oh yes, did that. I just have to REMEMBER to be consistent. It's really awful!

[Chris in VA]

Can you take a chore break after she's done 2 or 3 subjects? Treat it as home ec, work beside or with her, use the opportunity to build relationship while you supervise. Yeah, I know, she's not doing it on her own, but you will know it's done, be less frustrated, and she know she's not disappointing you.

Give her a part of the chore to do on her own, again, while you wait, focused on her.

So, for instance, she does math and listens to history--purely an example. Then you set the other kids up for independent work for 20 minutes, and you walk to the piggy cage with dd--tell her to go get an orange, and comment on how cute the pigs are, or about your pet as a kid, or whatever. She brings the orange, and then maybe she checks it off a chart she's got hanging beside the cage, or a chart on a clipboard that she grabs to take on "rounds" with her.

Then you go to the next chore--bathroom trash? Why not have her spray sink while you get the trash--she will stay there longer,with less chance to get distracted, you can grab the trash and BRB and you will be working side by side with no demanding or bad feeling or whatever.

Then the next chore--towels, you say? Ok--go with her to collect them--have her go into the other's rooms to get them out of the hamper or whatever while you get the dirty ones on the bathroom floor (oops, that would be MY house...:D). When they come out fresh from the dryer, fold them beside her, using it as talking time.

 

My point in this long post is that you can eliminate the bad feeling and work on a "we're in this together" kind of feeling. You can be her encourager, not just her enforcer.

 

After a year of doing it this way, you will find she will like doing her chores, b/c she gets your attention, she blesses the house and family WITH you, and it's a positive and wonderful thing.

 

Hopefully.

It's all in the 'tude--yours and hers.:001_smile:

[Renee in NC]

Tell her to give orange to the guinea pigs, NOW. Insists that she stops whatever she was doing at the moment, follow her, be literally behind her back until it's done.

Then move onto the next thing - trash from bathroom into the kitchen trash, again follow her, take her by hand if you must, and insist she does it right there, right then, with you behind her back.

Do that with every. single. chore she has.

 

Next day, repeat the procedure. Insist on getting it done quickly without delay. Repeat the same thing next day, and next day, until she figures out than unless she does it herself until that time of the day, you'll annoy her and breathe down her neck all the time.

No charts, no indulging her with writing and drawing (that's a very short list and I assume she's a healthy child with at least average memory), no discussion on why the chores matter, no talking, no distractions, nothing, just "business". Make it quick, tiring, bothersome and unpleasant. :D Success guaranteed.

 

That is what I have to do. Times 4.:glare: Makes me nuts.

[FriedClams]

First, I don't think you are being unrealistic at all about what you are expecting. Your chore list sounds reasonable and age appropriate. I think you may need to address training differently, though.

 

Here's the long explanation... About a year or so ago I was really frustrated with my kids - over chores and other things - that they just weren't "getting it". I had to keep reminding them. I was on them. You know the place. One day was like a wake up call when I realized that my training was poor to nonexistent. I used to be a military flight instructor (you know - P.K. - Pre Kids) and I realized that what I was doing was giving them a quick explanation of flying and sending them off. Then, when they crashed, I was annoyed and yelled at them. Nice.

 

So I started trying to implement what we used to do in flight school. I figured if the process worked keeping your pilots alive and safe, then it should work with a 7 year old feeding the dog. And it did. BEAUTIFULLY. So here's the process I've amended for kids:

 

1. Discuss. I tell the kid what the chore is. What's entailed. This is a short process. "Every morning you will come downstairs and feed the dogs. They each get one scoop of food. Make sure you put the lid on the food when you are done or we'll get bugs in the garage." Then I have them explain it to me.

 

2. Demo. I show them what I mean. I may have to do this a couple of times depending on he chore and the kid. I talk about every step as I go. I ask questions, "What step is next?", "What should I not forget here?". We do this 2 or 3 times.

 

3. Intro. This is them doing it with you alongside. The first few times may require your help. You may need to guide. I am a nerd, so I have the kids tell me first what's going to happen, start to finish, then we start the chore. We practice quite a few times together (maybe a week's worth) and they discuss the chore every time before they start.

 

4. Practice. Now we're on to grading time. Another week or so of you checking them every time the chore is done. They do it - You give feedback. If you need to - lengthen the practice time.

 

5. Mastery. At this point - they are cleared for solo on a chore. Let them know. "At this point you are fully qualified and as such, will receive a consequence if it's not done correctly." And follow through. (Student pilots get this ALL the time. Once a skill is mastered - they are completely responsible for it - no excuses). Spot check them. Give them a check ride every now and then.

 

I know this seems tedious, but it works. Really, really well. Good training pays off really well. For me, I'd rather invest the time once than drive myself nuts retraining and nagging, etc. I would recommend though, like young pilots, kids can't learn 10 new skills at once and learn them well. I would do one or two chores at a time. Some they'll get faster and you can move through training faster. Others are longer and harder to master - so take your time. A good product is worth the time - and your mental health. :)

[NanceXToo]

I like Chris in VA's suggestion. I wouldn't want chores to be a battle at my house, and I wouldn't want to start giving writing punishments and this that and the other thing and getting all stressed out about it.

 

If I had to remind my daughter, I'd remind her. If I had to work alongside her keeping it pleasant, I'd do that. My goal would be more along the lines of getting the things done that need to be done companionably than in enforcing some sort of ideal that she does everything I said on her own with no reminders and if she doesn't, she's in trouble.

 

I don't keep chore charts, actually I don't even have specific things i expect my 9 1/2 year old to do every single day on a daily basis. We just sort of all pitch in and do things where it's needed- and yes, that means asking her "Do this now, please" and she does it.

 

So I might call her in and say "Hey, come here a minute." She'll come in. I'll say "Can you put this silverware away for me while I unload the rest of the dishwasher, please." She'll do it. "Thanks! Now take that garbage out while I wipe the table and chairs. Good job! Can you go pick up the toys off the living room floor while I sweep the kitchen so I can vacuum afterward? Oh, great, now just bring these things of yours upstairs, then you can go play." At dinner time I might call her in and say "Time to set the table, can you go grab the napkins and cups" as I'm setting out plates etc. After dinner "Make sure you clear your plate and put these things away before you go play," etc.

 

If I go up to wake her one morning and decide her room is too much of a pigsty, I'll stay there and keep her company and oversee most of it, and pitch in a little, because if I just say "clean your room" and walk out, she'll be up there for two hours and it'll look like she barely put a dent in it.

 

I imagine if I ever said to her "These are your chores that you have to do every day, make sure you do them on your own without me reminding you" she'd never remember, never get to it, and it'd be a constant struggle. Not because she wants to disobey or get in trouble but because she's 9 and a little scatterbrained and she gets distracted or she'll think she'll do it in a few minutes, but then she'll forget.

 

Much easier to just call her in when I need help with a specific thing and ask her pleasantly to do it while I'm working alongside her doing other things, and it just gets done on the spot, as needed. I thank her for helping, and that's that. Works for us, anyway.

[angela in ohio]

Today I told her to write out her chores and then do them. Well, she has ADD so she only wrote them out. I have had several concussions and have a HORRIBLE memory, so by the time she walked away from the table, what she was doing and what she had left to do was completely gone from my radar screen. Talk about frustrating!!!

 

It sounds like you might be allowing the ADD to be an excuse (I don't know, I just picked this up in this sentence.) So I think you will have to decide if it is or not; and if it is that big of a problem, then find strategies to help her overcome it. If it's not really about the ADD, don't use that as a reason.

 

I also don't think it is about homeschooling (well, I think for some kids it is, but you don't have to let it be,) and I don't think you are expecting too much. I agree with Ester Maria: when you notice that she hasn't done them, make her do them immediately. She has figured out that if she waits long enough, you will forget or give up. As long as that is an effective strategy for her, she will continue it.

 

I don't think writing out the chores is a very tough consequence. Is that the only discipline method, or do you have anything stronger you will use? I would sit her down and make her expectations clear. Apologize for not being consistent, tell her how you want her to be a mature, responsible adult someday, and explain carefully how it will work from now on. I would have a time her chores need to be done by (lunch, dinner, etc.) and then just put a note on the refrigerator for yourself to check them before you eat that meal. If they aren't done, make her do them and dole out the punishment, consequence, whatever you choose. It doesn't have to be a fight. Just be matter-of-fact about it: you didn't do your chores, the policy is that this happens. Don't give up if it takes a really long time for it to work; if she has spent a long time not doing them, she will resist the change greatly.

 

I think you need to have confidence and say, "It is realistic for my 10 yo to do her chores as assigned, and I will expect her to do it." :001_smile:

[Lizzie in Ma]

Some of the BEST advice I ever got went like this..

Your GOALS for your children can not be the same as your EXPECTATIONS for your children.

 

My goal is for them to do their chores without my nagging. My expectation is that I will have to remind them and train them for the foreseeable future.

 

It helps a bit.

[ubermomto5]

i love some of these ideas and i haven't read all of them, but with 2 of my boys (8 and 6) they are just not allowed to come to the breakfast table till their chores are done. it's the only way i've found to get them motivated, and yep, they've missed breakfast a few times. their chores are not hard, just self care, basic bedroom neatening, and a room of the week to clean up. takes 20 minutes if they want to. takes all day if they don't.

eta: i have 5 almost 6 kids and don't have a lot of time for 'following' as they do the chores. that said, we always start out that way when they are 4 yo or so, until they figure it out, and occasionally they have to relearn the process. but by 9-10, they get it.