"Don't eat that" -- Compulsive Behaviour with Food

[Sweetpeach]

Hello Hivers,

 

A few years ago, I was in a healthier spot with food choices, exercise and even starting to walk in some self-care. It was a day-by-day effort and not easy, but I was finding some success. Lost some weight and generally felt better about myself.

 

About a year and a half ago, I found myself in a perfect storm scenario. I came on staff at our church, very part-time, but engaged in a formal way with ministry. {Harder than I expected}. Church is different now. It's not all bad but it's definitely been an adjustment.

 

A few months later, I found myself in the middle of a double-edged bomb-drop that was personal in nature and tricky to navigate. {not something I want to lay out on an open forum board}

 

It's been almost a year with no regular exercise, poor [compulsive] food choices and overall feeling poorly about myself. Anxiety is more difficult to manage and I feel stuck.

 

Food is my comfort of choice.

 

In the last month or two, my dh and a dear friend have both made comments about my food choices. Things like: 'put that cookie down' . . . 'don't eat that' . . . 'you know that's a poor choice' etc etc.

 

I'm well aware that my food choices are fattening me. I know these people love me and are trying to encourage me to discipline myself. Somehow, all it does is make me feel like a bad girl.

 

How can I explain to my husband or my friend that food is a dragon I need to slay. Would someone say to an alcoholic - 'don't drink that' and expect that to help, somehow? I know change begins with me, but I've not been able to change this time. I can't get my act together. I know how to eat well and exercise. I'm not.

 

Warmly, Tricia

[Jean in Newcastle]

Tricia, I recommended this book yesterday on adrenal problems. It addresses food issues as well. I'm recommending it to you because "a perfect storm" is exactly what can bring on these problems. http://www.adrenalfatigue.org/

[EmilyGF]

I'd recommend the book Addictions - a Banquet in the Grave. It's about alcoholism, but the author applies it to any compulsive behavior. It's an area I struggle in (and when I've had it "conquered" at any point in my life, I go into pride and anorexia - still a work in progress here), but that one was helpful. It helped me admit that I love my sin - it's not like someone is putting a knife to my throat so I'll eat it! I only hate it after the fact. Also, "Love to Eat, Hate to Eat", has been recommended to me.

 

Emily

[Sweetpeach]

Thanks Gals for the book recs. I'll look into all three.

 

Warmly, Tricia

[Just Robyn]

Just want you to know that you're not alone. :grouphug:

[lionfamily1999]

My sister and I were just talking about food addictions. It seems incredible to me that there isn't some AA equivalent for people that are addicted to food. We both figure there's something good about admitting we have a problem. The question is where to go from here?

 

:grouphug:

 

You're not alone.

 

(My name is Julie and I'm a foodaholic. passing the candle)

[melik]

I could have written this post! There is a group called Overeaters Anonymous. I have been thinking about going to a meeting. Having a hard time taking that first step;). I have a friend that goes. She highly recommended it for me. You can read more about it here:

 

http://www.oa.org/

 

Meli

[lionfamily1999]

I could have written this post! There is a group called Overeaters Anonymous. I have been thinking about going to a meeting. Having a hard time taking that first step;). I have a friend that goes. She highly recommended it for me. You can read more about it here:

 

http://www.oa.org/

 

Meli

HOLY GUACAMOLE!!!!!

Meli, thank you. I'm calling my sister now.

[Sweetpeach]

I heard about OA a year ago. I took me a long time to break silence with myself and admit that this was a problem I might not be able to solve with white knuckling. I checked out their page a few months ago and followed some links that lead me to a book called Overcoming Overeating. I returned it to the library but need to purchase a copy.

 

I've done the white-knuckle/uber-disciplined approach but it never lasts. I feel like I need to dig out the roots of this wildly destructive behaviour.

 

I've read about the 12 step program . . . admitting that I can't solve this myself is a tricky spot to be.

 

Thanks for the understanding.

Warmly, Tricia

[Susu]

You know, to a certain degree, we make changes when we are just ready.

 

I have struggled with this for years, and in the last 5 months I have been able to make those better choices with exercise and food. It is weird, because it doesn't seem mysterious or hard now, when for years it just seemed insurmountable.

 

The main thing is that I simply got fed up with feeling older than I am, overweight, sad. I realized it really was in my power to change it, and that as long as I didn't choose to make those changes, I was making the opposite choice...to just stay as I was and and even worse, little by little eat my way into an earlier grave and years of increasing disability.

 

I let go of magical thinking...looking for a miracle or a magic bullet. It is just plain hard work, but like any hard work, it can be satisfying too as you make progress.

 

My progress is slow...I usually drop less than a pound per week, but it is sustainable. I am not drastically reducing calories, or spending hours working out. And I make room for treats along with making sure I eat a balanced diet. I am following Weight Watchers, which for me is a healthy and enjoyable plan, and I am taking a daily walk. That is it. I know this is something I can do for the long run. And I also know it is something that I will have to do for the long run...once the weight is off I will still need to follow a healthy lifestyle. It is not just about weight loss for me. I really want to feel good, and since I have lost about 18 pounds I truly do fell world's better!

 

I think I have just come to accept that as a middle aged woman, I can't eat like I did as a teen and expect to stay slim and active. Duh, right? lol

But it is a big hurdle when you truly accept it and stop being mad about it and trying to pretend it is not true.

 

But there is balance to be sought as well. We have to learn to be kind to ourselves. Not to be overly impatient about our body's not changing quick enough to suit us, and to also learn that it's ok to have a treat! My body is changing in its own time, and I have learned that moderation is a truly great concept!

 

Susu

[OnTheBrink]

Hello Hivers,

 

 

How can I explain to my husband or my friend that food is a dragon I need to slay. Would someone say to an alcoholic - 'don't drink that' and expect that to help, somehow? I know change begins with me, but I've not been able to change this time. I can't get my act together. I know how to eat well and exercise. I'm not.

 

Warmly, Tricia

 

"Dh, friend, I appreciate that you're trying to help me, but your methods are insulting. I am not a child and I am not stupid. Please stop policing my food, verbally and through your facial expressions and heavy sighs. When I'm ready to tackle the issue, I will. If I need help, I'll be specific in what ways you can help me. Right now, what you're doing is making me feel worse and making the situation worse. It is motivating me only to resent you, not to change my eating habits. I realize you care, but this really isn't helping me, at all."

[Peela]

In my work with my own non healthy tendencies I came to a realisation that I need to accept and love myself first, rather than use my own self hatred and negation to motivate more healthy choices.

I think thats why many diets fail- we feel really bad about ourselves and in a way, dont like ourselves for how we look- we diet to feel better about ourselves, and only feel better about ourselves if we lose weight...but we never dealt with the underlying self loathing that was our motivation. Thats why people will starve themselves or flog themselves with exercise in a way that is quite unkind to themselves, in the name of "getting healthy".

Love and accept yourself no matter how you are eating or what you look like- that is the primary thing. Love yourself like you are your own child- unconditionally You are ok just as you are. Then from a self caring space, a self respectful place, you can start to make healthier decisions.

Anyway, thats my goal and perspective on that issue which is so central to most women's psyches.

[lionfamily1999]

"Dh, friend, I appreciate that you're trying to help me, but your methods are insulting. I am not a child and I am not stupid. Please stop policing my food, verbally and through your facial expressions and heavy sighs. When I'm ready to tackle the issue, I will. If I need help, I'll be specific in what ways you can help me. Right now, what you're doing is making me feel worse and making the situation worse. It is motivating me only to resent you, not to change my eating habits. I realize you care, but this really isn't helping me, at all."

I have to wonder though... Ime, food can be an addiction. If it's an addiction, then doesn't the idea of an intervention seem plausable?

 

This is where I get stuck. I know I have an addiction to food. I know this, because if I replace "alcohol" with "food" in any one of those 'are you an alcoholic' tests it comes up positive. If this were the case with the OP, then what her dh is doing is attempting to help her with an addiction.

 

Seeing it as an addiction, I can see her family's response as apt...

[Geo]

I'd recommend the book Addictions - a Banquet in the Grave. It's about alcoholism, but the author applies it to any compulsive behavior. It's an area I struggle in (and when I've had it "conquered" at any point in my life, I go into pride and anorexia - still a work in progress here), but that one was helpful. It helped me admit that I love my sin - it's not like someone is putting a knife to my throat so I'll eat it! I only hate it after the fact. Also, "Love to Eat, Hate to Eat", has been recommended to me.

 

Emily

 

I have to wonder though... Ime, food can be an addiction. If it's an addiction, then doesn't the idea of an intervention seem plausable?

 

This is where I get stuck. I know I have an addiction to food. I know this, because if I replace "alcohol" with "food" in any one of those 'are you an alcoholic' tests it comes up positive. If this were the case with the OP, then what her dh is doing is attempting to help her with an addiction.

 

Seeing it as an addiction, I can see her family's response as apt...

 

 

It may be apt, but not effective. I have had a lifetime of wanting for other people what they did not want for themselves. Emily is "spot on" when said that she had to admit that she loves her sin and only hates it after-the-fact. There in lies the true battle. Don't get me wrong, it hurts loved ones to stand by and watch. Until the help is wanted, there is no help to give.

 

Geo

[lionfamily1999]

It may be apt, but not effective. I have had a lifetime of wanting for other people what they did not want for themselves. Emily is "spot on" when said that she had to admit that she loves her sin and only hates it after-the-fact. There in lies the true battle. Don't get me wrong, it hurts loved ones to stand by and watch. Until the help is wanted, there is no help to give.

 

Geo

I see. It does seem that help is wanted, this thread itself is "reaching out for help." I do, however, see what you're saying. I have found that being related to an addict puts one in a difficult predicament. You must (it seems to me anyway) choose between enabling and drawing the line...

 

This from someone that admits food issues. Dh is beyond enabling. He has the hummingbird metabolism that lets him eat all the junk he wants, and he wants lots of junk. Not only are our cabinets full of his crap food, he gets hurt if I decline. I wish he could stand up and make healthy choices for the both of us :p I guess that's why I responded the way I did.

[OnTheBrink]

I have to wonder though... Ime, food can be an addiction. If it's an addiction, then doesn't the idea of an intervention seem plausable?

 

This is where I get stuck. I know I have an addiction to food. I know this, because if I replace "alcohol" with "food" in any one of those 'are you an alcoholic' tests it comes up positive. If this were the case with the OP, then what her dh is doing is attempting to help her with an addiction.

 

Seeing it as an addiction, I can see her family's response as apt...

 

Here's the problem, though. You can't stop eating. It's not like you can stop drinking alcohol or detox from drugs then avoid them. You have to eat to live. So, while addictive behaviors are similar regardless of what the "drug" is, you can't treat them all alike. And, I'm saying this as someone who's struggled with eating issues my whole life. You can avoid bars, not have liquor in the home, avoid restaurants that serve alcohol; you can cut ties with dealers and addicted friends, but you can't kick food cold turkey. So, the OP's dh and friend can "intervene" all they like, but their attempts are ineffective and could very likely backfire if the OP gets fed up with hearing it (sorry, OP, to be talking like you're not in the room!).

 

But, like with any addiction, the addicted has to want the help. You can't make anyone be helped unless they get to the point where they want it.

[Slartibartfast]

"Dh, friend, I appreciate that you're trying to help me, but your methods are insulting. I am not a child and I am not stupid. Please stop policing my food, verbally and through your facial expressions and heavy sighs. When I'm ready to tackle the issue, I will. If I need help, I'll be specific in what ways you can help me. Right now, what you're doing is making me feel worse and making the situation worse. It is motivating me only to resent you, not to change my eating habits. I realize you care, but this really isn't helping me, at all."

 

ITA.

 

Dh used to nag me about smoking like that.

 

I quit on my own steam AFTER he stopped nagging.

[lionfamily1999]

Here's the problem, though. You can't stop eating. It's not like you can stop drinking alcohol or detox from drugs then avoid them. You have to eat to live. So, while addictive behaviors are similar regardless of what the "drug" is, you can't treat them all alike. And, I'm saying this as someone who's struggled with eating issues my whole life. You can avoid bars, not have liquor in the home, avoid restaurants that serve alcohol; you can cut ties with dealers and addicted friends, but you can't kick food cold turkey. So, the OP's dh and friend can "intervene" all they like, but their attempts are ineffective and could very likely backfire if the OP gets fed up with hearing it (sorry, OP, to be talking like you're not in the room!).

 

But, like with any addiction, the addicted has to want the help. You can't make anyone be helped unless they get to the point where they want it.

That's what drives me absolutely insane about this. I can't quit. I can't just avoid grocery stores or other people who do eat. I do wish, though, that dh would intervene at times.

 

I remember watching a Bones episode about feeders and eaters. Can you believe I actually considered that option? Yes, I'm going to wake dh up in the middle of the night and stuff his face......... I can just see it now.

 

It all seems so hopeless (sorry OP, this is pretty depressing of me to say). Just like you said, it's not something you can quit.

[Sweetpeach]

You know, to a certain degree, we make changes when we are just ready.

 

I have struggled with this for years, and in the last 5 months I have been able to make those better choices with exercise and food. It is weird, because it doesn't seem mysterious or hard now, when for years it just seemed insurmountable.

 

The main thing is that I simply got fed up with feeling older than I am, overweight, sad. I realized it really was in my power to change it, and that as long as I didn't choose to make those changes, I was making the opposite choice...to just stay as I was and and even worse, little by little eat my way into an earlier grave and years of increasing disability.

 

I let go of magical thinking...looking for a miracle or a magic bullet. It is just plain hard work, but like any hard work, it can be satisfying too as you make progress.

 

My progress is slow...I usually drop less than a pound per week, but it is sustainable. I am not drastically reducing calories, or spending hours working out. And I make room for treats along with making sure I eat a balanced diet. I am following Weight Watchers, which for me is a healthy and enjoyable plan, and I am taking a daily walk. That is it. I know this is something I can do for the long run. And I also know it is something that I will have to do for the long run...once the weight is off I will still need to follow a healthy lifestyle. It is not just about weight loss for me. I really want to feel good, and since I have lost about 18 pounds I truly do fell world's better!

 

I think I have just come to accept that as a middle aged woman, I can't eat like I did as a teen and expect to stay slim and active. Duh, right? lol

But it is a big hurdle when you truly accept it and stop being mad about it and trying to pretend it is not true.

 

But there is balance to be sought as well. We have to learn to be kind to ourselves. Not to be overly impatient about our body's not changing quick enough to suit us, and to also learn that it's ok to have a treat! My body is changing in its own time, and I have learned that moderation is a truly great concept!

 

Susu

 

Hi,

Yes, I understand this magic bullet approach you speak of . . . I've let go of the "when I'm thin, then I'll be _________________". I always understand that change, any change begins with me. My trouble is that I understand at the 'philosophical' level how simple it is to attain a healthy weight; I just don't function in that knowledge. What eludes me is how to live my life in a healthy, balanced way. Energy for me, for dh, for my kids and school, for ministry, for play and fun. I feel so inadequate to make all things work that I end up burrowing into a book and snacks in my attempt to 'relax' and turn down the anxiety.

Lots of things are changing in my life; boundaries that never existed before. 'Pressing pause' in the midst of my family dynamic. Choosing forgiveness instead of anger/rage/shut-down.

This past year, I have questioned my "lovability", asked myself some hard questions about my tendency to self-loathe instead of accept, love, treat myself kindly.

Tricky, and it's even trickier to download this angst with my IRL support people; the end of the conversation usually sounds like a trite one-liner. ie: "just stop that now" or "walk in some self-care" or "just don't eat that" or "find something else to do" -- all lovely solutions but not helpful to that deeper thing that seems really painful.

Thank you for casting your pearls before me.

Warmly, Tricia

[Sweetpeach]

"Dh, friend, I appreciate that you're trying to help me, but your methods are insulting. I am not a child and I am not stupid. Please stop policing my food, verbally and through your facial expressions and heavy sighs. When I'm ready to tackle the issue, I will. If I need help, I'll be specific in what ways you can help me. Right now, what you're doing is making me feel worse and making the situation worse. It is motivating me only to resent you, not to change my eating habits. I realize you care, but this really isn't helping me, at all."

 

Hi SM,

Thank you.

I'd have to put on my 'big girl' looners if I were to say this to my people.

I'll print this out and have it ready for next time. I'd like to figure some of this out, and manage some of my food behaviour there is a next time.

Warmly, Tricia

[Sweetpeach]

I see. It does seem that help is wanted, this thread itself is "reaching out for help." I do, however, see what you're saying. I have found that being related to an addict puts one in a difficult predicament. You must (it seems to me anyway) choose between enabling and drawing the line...

 

This from someone that admits food issues. Dh is beyond enabling. He has the hummingbird metabolism that lets him eat all the junk he wants, and he wants lots of junk. Not only are our cabinets full of his crap food, he gets hurt if I decline. I wish he could stand up and make healthy choices for the both of us :p I guess that's why I responded the way I did.

 

Hi there, yes, I definitely want to be free from this crazy. I've always gone at it from "if I weren't lazy, unmotivated, undisciplined, then I wouldn't be struggling here" . . . I've only recently come to accept that food is where I turn. How do I know that? Every couple days, I'll wake up and say, "ok, today is the day" but today is never the day. I haven't been able to step away from food.

 

If I want to be healthier, know how to be healther, have a grid for running, exercising, lifting and completely understand that exercise is great for stress-relief, managing anxiety, a good endorphin kick . . . then why would I not just do that? Daily? Door 1 is a positive lifestyle approach. Door 2 is everything opposite. Yet, I regularly choose Door 2.

 

Afer reading a few books about overeating as an addiction, I can no longer hide from the self-worth bits that are lurking at the surface.

 

It's totally about food.

I'm starting to suspect food is the arena where my self-worth problems are fighting back?

 

I want to be free from this. I'm embarassing to be this transparent on an open-forum; people in my immediate community read here, but I've come to the desperate fork in the road and couldn't care less. For a million reasons, I have to start making my health and wellness a priority. I know how to start. I just never finish.

 

Warmly, Tricia

[Sweetpeach]

In my work with my own non healthy tendencies I came to a realisation that I need to accept and love myself first, rather than use my own self hatred and negation to motivate more healthy choices.

I think thats why many diets fail- we feel really bad about ourselves and in a way, dont like ourselves for how we look- we diet to feel better about ourselves, and only feel better about ourselves if we lose weight...but we never dealt with the underlying self loathing that was our motivation. Thats why people will starve themselves or flog themselves with exercise in a way that is quite unkind to themselves, in the name of "getting healthy".

Love and accept yourself no matter how you are eating or what you look like- that is the primary thing. Love yourself like you are your own child- unconditionally You are ok just as you are. Then from a self caring space, a self respectful place, you can start to make healthier decisions.

Anyway, thats my goal and perspective on that issue which is so central to most women's psyches.

 

Brilliant summary. This is a hard thing, what you're telling me to do but I know this is the real battle. The people around me can't understand why I feel miserable in my spirit and would like to see me live life with more discipline. I feel really broken and I think food/my waistline is absorbing the pain. I wish I could find a way through the pain in a healthy way. Thank you, Peela. As always, your post oozes kindness.

T

[Jean in Newcastle]

The reason I posted a recommendation for a book that doesn't even look like its about food or compulsive eating (the adrenal fatigue book) is because I'm starting to realize that there are reasons for my cravings. My body wants energy and to feel good, and in my case, I medicate myself with food. The food makes me feel better for a time, then I crash because I ate the wrong things for real health, and then I eat some more so that I'll feel better, then I crash. . . and so on. I'm starting to learn how to eat so that I feel better all the time. I'm not perfect and I haven't lost tons of weight but I have lost some (mainly because I've only been doing this for one week:)) But I just wanted to say that it isn't always a will-power thing.

[Cathy in IL]

My nutritionist insists that eating disorders (compulsive overeating is classified as an eating disorder) are hard to recover from than other addictions. Food is something you have to deal with on a daily basis. It isn't like other addictions that can be completely avoided - at least not for long.

 

I saw OA mentioned. ANAD is another good support group. It is free and not just for anorexia but for all eating issues. You can find a meeting by looking online at the ANAD site.

[T'smom]

Love yourself like you are your own child- unconditionally You are ok just as you are.

 

Peela,

Thank you so much for saying this- it is absolutely revolutionary to me. Thinking that I'm not good enough is my default setting for everything- I would be crushed if my child felt that way. This idea has many implications for me and is going to give me something to think about for a long time.

Thanks.

I don't know why the quote doesn't look quoted. Sorry about that- it's a quote from Peela's post.

[gandpsmommy]

You know, to a certain degree, we make changes when we are just ready.

 

I have struggled with this for years, and in the last 5 months I have been able to make those better choices with exercise and food. It is weird, because it doesn't seem mysterious or hard now, when for years it just seemed insurmountable.

 

The main thing is that I simply got fed up with feeling older than I am, overweight, sad. I realized it really was in my power to change it, and that as long as I didn't choose to make those changes, I was making the opposite choice...to just stay as I was and and even worse, little by little eat my way into an earlier grave and years of increasing disability.

 

I let go of magical thinking...looking for a miracle or a magic bullet. It is just plain hard work, but like any hard work, it can be satisfying too as you make progress.

 

My progress is slow...I usually drop less than a pound per week, but it is sustainable. I am not drastically reducing calories, or spending hours working out. And I make room for treats along with making sure I eat a balanced diet. I am following Weight Watchers, which for me is a healthy and enjoyable plan, and I am taking a daily walk. That is it. I know this is something I can do for the long run. And I also know it is something that I will have to do for the long run...once the weight is off I will still need to follow a healthy lifestyle. It is not just about weight loss for me. I really want to feel good, and since I have lost about 18 pounds I truly do fell world's better!

 

I think I have just come to accept that as a middle aged woman, I can't eat like I did as a teen and expect to stay slim and active. Duh, right? lol

But it is a big hurdle when you truly accept it and stop being mad about it and trying to pretend it is not true.

 

But there is balance to be sought as well. We have to learn to be kind to ourselves. Not to be overly impatient about our body's not changing quick enough to suit us, and to also learn that it's ok to have a treat! My body is changing in its own time, and I have learned that moderation is a truly great concept!

 

Susu

 

Very well said. This is where I am right now, too.

[Peela]

The reason I posted a recommendation for a book that doesn't even look like its about food or compulsive eating (the adrenal fatigue book) is because I'm starting to realize that there are reasons for my cravings. My body wants energy and to feel good, and in my case, I medicate myself with food. The food makes me feel better for a time, then I crash because I ate the wrong things for real health, and then I eat some more so that I'll feel better, then I crash. . . and so on. I'm starting to learn how to eat so that I feel better all the time. I'm not perfect and I haven't lost tons of weight but I have lost some (mainly because I've only been doing this for one week:)) But I just wanted to say that it isn't always a will-power thing.

 

Yes. I agree- my understanding with food is that if we are not getting correct nutrition- and that is often more than the government guidelines for minimum quantities of specific nutrients to prevent obvious disease like scurvy or rickets- our bodies will crave the nutrition and we tend to simply grab another donut because we only feel the craving and not the subtleties. We dont feel like we crave a green smoothie or a salad because we gavent trained our taste buds.

So I see overweight also as a craving for nutrition that has perhaps gone on for many years, unsatiated.