I have a q for people with step families/open adoptions (very long)

[Dobela]

I am replying with in the quote.

Are you saying there are respite workers available no matter what her foster status/guardianship status is? I know there are people I could privately pay, but then I may as well use a friend who she already knows. If you are saying there are possible respite opportunities that are paid for by the state, I have been told that due to the uniqueness of our situation, she doesn't qualify. If you know some other details or agency that we can go through, please let me know. In our state respite is available and you do not have to be a former foster child to receive it. It is based on disability and need first. Depending on your area, and the availablity of workers, it can be easy or hard to receive. The agencies here that provide it include Easter Seals, and those who help provide care to adults with disabilities. Even though they are technically 'adult disability services' at least 2 locally will have children on their respite lists because they already have respite workers trained and licensed. Some early childhood developmental centers provide it as well. Really, any agency that serves special needs can provide it if they want to do the necessary paperwork - which is a lot. First, you need to find an agency that provides it and ask them what you need to do. Ask at different agencies, some are better at finding it than others. Next, be prepared for a wait. In my state (Arkansas) to receive respite services the child's information has to be reviewed by a medical board first. That board meets once a month for a weekend so it can easily take a year to be approved. They determine amount of time allowed for respite each month. Even if you get thru that quickly sometimes the provider agencies don't have enough workers and have to put you on a waiting list. That wait can be less if you know someone willing to go thru the training and then sign up to be your worker. I went thru the training just so my friend could get help for her child faster until someone else became available. That is how friends and family sometimes are able to be paid in situations like this. When a friend moved to a new location, she was able to get a referal to a new agency providing respite from their new doctor.

 

There are a lot of things that she doesn't qualify for. ie they have a new WA rule that says relative caregivers can get mileage reimbursements for certain things like drs visits etc. Although I am a relative caregiver by definition in WA, and have a full foster licence,we don't qualify because she is a ward of Oregon State not Washington State. WA says OR is responsible for all financial obligations as she is a ward of OR. Since she resides in WA, she doesn't, qualify in OR for any of Oregon's benefits. We dealt with some of that from county to county here. It just doesn't make sense. There may be some federal monies available but I don't know how to find them. If you live near the border (say Vancouver/Portland) there may be some loop holes for you if you chose to receive some care across the river. I know for those living on state lines here there is more flexibility, but not always. We learned after our adoption that Medicaid will not pay across state lines usually, even if you are on vacation and have an emergency. Another example is like my friends situation. My friend is the legal guardian of this girl. The foster system still supports them (not financially) for her needs due to mental health issues. The girl can take special classes, go to summer camps, and get specific therapies like equine therapy. We are not eligigle for anything except Medicaid and it's limited mental health program. We don't have a caseworker, advocate or any other person to help us navigate her care. Ask around to see who people like as their case worker. Some are fantastic at finding resources for families. It may be that you can find a nonstate employed case worker that can help you navigate some of this and find services. All of the services we have described are available to any child - not just foster kids or former foster kids.

 

It has to do with how the state laws are worded and categories are defined. She just slips through to many cracks.

 

How did you get started on the SSI process? Did you hire a lawyer? I was just looking at that the other night and wondering where to start. I have heard it is best to start the process very young as it can take years for approval. Our dd started reciving SSI in foster care. The state applied for it initially as a way to be reimbursed for her care. They used birth information, prenatal records, and so on for the initial application. DD's current pediatrician wrote a letter voicing concerns about current developmental concerns and included future expectations and concerns. Each year since I have to give access to medical records,copies of therapy reports, and so on. Since she is now adopted we have to give our financial information as well such as cars owned, life insurance, income, and so on. I don't know if your status would make that required or not. The amount she recieves monthly has dropped as my dh's income has increased. However, SSI has given her a disability rating that could be used in other settings even if she doesn't receive a monetary amount each month.

 

To begin, you simply make an appointment at the local social security office. At your first appointment take all you have,and then they will tell you what else you need. We had to re-apply after the adoption. At first input ( in the office thru some computer application process) , the worker said she no longer qualified for SSI but then it went to a review board who decided that she did qualify and her income began.

 

I have an adult brother with autism that applied for SSI disability and his process was more difficult. It was harder for them to prove he had a disability as an adult (it was not well documented before age 18) and it took 2 years, plus an attorney for appeals. However, when it was finaly approved the government had to pay all the way back to the original application date resulting in several thousand dollars in a lump sum for my brother (which we promptly put into a trust fund).

Since your case is complicated, you may want to find an attorney to help you navigate some of this, at least at first. You will want one familiar with both states, or so I would think.

 

A foster care board that has good information at times is http://fosterparents.com/CHAT/ . They have a section for relative caregivers, fetal alcohol and drug exposure issues, and another one for each specific state. I have received good help from there the few times I have visited- much wisdom resides there :).

[Tap]

2 things came to mind reading your post:

 

1. If you want bio Dad to come more often and possibly w/o his mother, take some of the money you have saved to arrange a rental car for him, if it is enough, perhaps even one night in a hotel room, so he has more time with his daughter.

 

2. I would start out by letting your friend take dd for a weekend. If you arrange for bio-Dad to come more often and you are absolutely certain he is able to have her unsupervised for a couple of days, you can then arrange your next weekend "out" in such a way that he can come to town and take dd while you and the rest of your family take a mini vacation. I don't know if you trust him enough to let him stay at your house or if you would want him to take dd to the hotel room but this could all be worked out.

 

This is a most interesting arrangement by the state of Oregon. Hats off to you for taking on this awesome responsibility to raise this girl and provide a safe home for her!

 

 

Unfortunately, he doesn't know how to drive, have a license or a car. His mom will have to drive him, hence the issue that I know she will be at the visit for the entire time. Riding the bus would take a day or two and there is no Amtrak in his area.

[Tap]

I am replying with in the quote.

Since your case is complicated, you may want to find an attorney to help you navigate some of this, at least at first. You will want one familiar with both states, or so I would think.

 

A foster care board that has good information at times is http://fosterparents.com/CHAT/ . They have a section for relative caregivers, fetal alcohol and drug exposure issues, and another one for each specific state. I have received good help from there the few times I have visited- much wisdom resides there :).

 

Thanks for all the advice! I will start looking into more options that we haven't known existed until now.

[Dobela]

I will ask her OT if she could benefit for reevaluation. She is very, very smart, agile and is quite precocious. Her therapist often comment on how she functions about a year ahead in most categories of development. She qualifies for OT due to sensory issues and BT due to violent outbursts. She doesn't need PT, Speech therapy, or any other common branch. The OT and I have talked about it some already because the OT is going on maternity leave in May, so I thought about putting her into a different type of therapy for the 3 months she will be out. We couldn't find a medical requirement that allowed her to qualify beyond what she already has.

At age 3 some kids begin qualifying for EI due to cognitive delays or gaps when there are not others. There is just so much more academic type skill expectations that begin (counting, shapes, letters, color recognition, etc). Plus, the self help skill expectations begin multiplying rapidly.

 

As a professional, I cen see that my dd is borderline in qualifying, but I have asked for that referral just to make sure. You never know how they will perform on that day, or if they can do what the tests expect. For me it a 'better safe than sorry' situation. Plus, things change. My dd was doing fine and on target we thought, but now her motor skills have taken a turn and there are concerns that she has very mild CP that was not diagnosed before.

[Liz CA]

Unfortunately, he doesn't know how to drive, have a license or a car. His mom will have to drive him, hence the issue that I know she will be at the visit for the entire time. Riding the bus would take a day or two and there is no Amtrak in his area.

 

Wow! Is he really young? Would he consider learning how to drive? If he is so good with his child, he is probably motivated to do what it takes to be able to see her now and then. Does he have another person who could drive him and you could pay that person for the trip & gas money?

Could the bio-Dad look for a job closer to your place?

Forgive me. I am just full of questions today.

[Tap]

Wow! Is he really young? Would he consider learning how to drive? If he is so good with his child, he is probably motivated to do what it takes to be able to see her now and then. Does he have another person who could drive him and you could pay that person for the trip & gas money?

Could the bio-Dad look for a job closer to your place?

Forgive me. I am just full of questions today.

 

He is 24. I don't know why he doesn't have a license. He lived in Portland until 2 years ago and it has a good public transit system. He used to say he just didn't need a car/license. But now that he has lived in a small city for 2 years, I wonder if there is more to it.

 

As far as another person, I think I would rather have the gma than a stranger. At least with her I know what the circumstances are.

 

Post 30 explains the situation with the bio-mom that keeps him living 5 hours away. I wouldn't encourage him to move here as long as she lives near.

 

No, problem on the questions. It helps me think things through.

 

Thanks for helping,

~Tap

[Cindyg]

I loved your idea of taking your weekend holiday near his hometown, getting him a hotel room in your same hotel, and letting him care for the daughter while you spend some time with your other kids. We've done something similar with our parents, letting ds spend the night in their room or ours depending on who feels like doing what. I think that's a perfect compromise. Plus, I assume if you're near is hometown, his mom can stay at home? (She seems to be a slight risk in the equation from what you've said.)

[Ottakee]

I know this is off the topic but a few things:

 

I would call your local community mental health and ask about respite. Here it is based on disability (mental or emotional) NOT foster care, adoption, etc. Most of the kids that get it are bio kids with special needs. We can pay people of our own choosing for respite. They go through a very brief (and easy) training and then are "certifed" to provide care for my kids. I use a young grandma at church and one of my best friends.

 

I would also have another full eval done by the school---OT, PT, Speech, maybe the counselor and the psychologist for IQ, etc. Once they hit 3 there are even more options available.

 

Try to apply for SSI. Even $1/ month would open a LOT of doors for her for services--therapy, respite, etc.

 

Pursue the medication but make sure you have a very highly skilled doctor that has experience with preschoolers and multiple issues---you could be looking at bipolar and fetal alcohl or another combination. I do not "drug" my child but I can tell you that her medication has allowed her to live very well in our family and function as normally as possible (she is also mentally impaired).

 

Thanks for all the advice! I will start looking into more options that we haven't known existed until now.

[Renee in NC]

He is 24. I don't know why he doesn't have a license. He lived in Portland until 2 years ago and it has a good public transit system. He used to say he just didn't need a car/license. But now that he has lived in a small city for 2 years, I wonder if there is more to it.

 

As far as another person, I think I would rather have the gma than a stranger. At least with her I know what the circumstances are.

 

Post 30 explains the situation with the bio-mom that keeps him living 5 hours away. I wouldn't encourage him to move here as long as she lives near.

 

No, problem on the questions. It helps me think things through.

 

Thanks for helping,

~Tap

 

I can't imagine that someone working PT at WalMart and paying $400 a month in child support has much of anything left for insurance or a car!

[EmilyK]

I apologize for not reading all the replies yet, but I'm guessing that you live where I do and he lives at the coast. What about having your weekend away somewhere at the coast, and you all drop dd off? If you were someplace nearby he could call if there were questions or problems, and the father and his family wouldn't be stressed by a new environment.

[Tap]

I can't imagine that someone working PT at WalMart and paying $400 a month in child support has much of anything left for insurance or a car!

 

I agree but he doesn't have even the license to drive. His mom has a truck and his siblings have cars so possibly he could borrow one of their cars to come up or rent a car.

[KristenS]

Haven't read the rest, but my take:

 

For the weekend ... your friend with the ability to discipline and amuse your child is the safest bet.

 

Next choice, I'd say go pick up bio-dad and bring him to your house to stay with his child ... no other relatives allowed. And have your friend call and check in to make sure that's followed. They may be wonderful when visiting, but with all those issues, they don't need to be part of the child-care setting.

 

I'd also say that bio-dad would be a better choice when she's older and can understand things better, and not so much now while she's little.

 

(FWIW, I am half-adopted, as my mom divorced an abusive husband who relinquished rights after lengthy legal battles, and we were adopted by her new husband. To let us visit that family would have been very destructive on our growing-up years, and I'm pretty messed up as it is. :) On the other hand, you said her bio-dad isn't a risk, so the situation is different. But the extended family would've been rough on me and my sis growing up too ... they are better now, but it would've been awful then. Our new dad was much healthier all around.)

 

I think it's great that you're willing to help him keep up the relationship. And that he's willing to do his part, too.

[Renee in NC]

I agree but he doesn't have even the license to drive. His mom has a truck and his siblings have cars so possibly he could borrow one of their cars to come up or rent a car.

 

Ahh. In NC (don't know about FL), you couldn't get your license without insurance, which would run in the $100-150 a month range for a male with no experience. Not only that, he isn't old enough to rent a car and you can't rent without a credit card, which I am (hoping!) he doesn't have.

 

He *could* figure out a way to get there, I am sure, if he really needed to.

[WTMindy]

I haven't read the other responses, but there is no way I would let my foster babies (we have twins) have unsupervised visits with their birth parents!! If they do not have any of the rights of a parent, I don't think they should have the responsibilities either. I just wouldn't go there. I would not be able to enjoy myself on vacation not feeling completely comfortable with where they were.

 

Thank you for taking on this difficult little girl. I'm sure you will make all the difference in the world to her!!!

[Carol in Cal.]

)I can fill pages with stories like these that show, while he hasn't done anything wrong.... but he hasn't done anything right either. That is why I feel like I want him to make the effort. His history has always been to just let everything happen around him.

 

When we do a visitation, he is a great, doting dad. The instinct is there, but he just doesn't have the maturity. He adores her and you can see that she, him. There is such a connection between them even with little contact, it is amazing to see. I wouldn't be concerned about her phyical care with him. I have spent many, many hours with them together and I know he has great instinct and watches her very closely. I do consider him a very safe person for her (or anyones child) to be around. He is more like a big teenager that is a great babysitter, but not ready to be a single parent. I do suspect that if he was given the chance to raise her, he may have had to grow up a bit, becoming less self centered and more responsible. Raising kids has a way of doing that to some people. :lol:

 

He's really not a good father. He's a good, um, equivalent to a young uncle, or maybe a cousin--a family member who is not responsible, but who has love and affection for the child. That's necessary but not sufficient. I think it's great that you're facilitating their relationship but that to leave her with him would be irresponsible, even if they were just in the same hotel in a different room. A lot of people are great people but not great parents. He has not grown up through his years of experience, and he has not chosen to learn parenting from either his experience or from books, classes, being around other children, or being around his own daughter.

 

I would leave things alone for now, not try to increase his involvement. Get your friend to watch your DD--you owe her no less than responsible parenting. And continue to support those visits. Maybe Biodad will grow up someday. Until either that happens or your DD becomes old enough to take more responsibility for herself, you are doing plenty and enough already.