I am in tears with my 15 year old daughter!

[Love2Smile]

I am ready to wring her neck! She battles me, complains to me, challenges me, has to have the final last word, is disrespectful and I cannot stand being around her right now. She rushes thru her work, does it Half-a**ed and is a major pain in the rear.

 

all she wants to do is video games, Wii, and video game forums.

I let her go on about one hour per day, sometimes more just to get her out of my hair, I admit. Sometimes I don't feel strong enough to keep homeschooling her, but the public school is not an option!

 

What do I do? I feel like enrolling her in our Calif state K-12 program so she is accountable to someone else. Please advise me!

[mom2paul]

I put my son on a computer ban for a month - no Facebook, no chats, no forums, nothing. He was not completing assignments and complaining in general about his work -- too tired, it's late, etc. It worked. He knows now if he reverts back, he will lose privileges again.

[Ohdanigirl]

My dc could easily get addicted and are often just sitting at my ear asking if they can play yet.

 

Can we play yet? Can we paly yet? Can we paly yet? Can we paly yet?

Augghhh!

 

Well I moved all video games to weekends only. If school work is not done to satisfaction they lose the whole weekend. To top it off they have to read 30 minutes for each 30 min they want (that day), not to exceed 2 hours, and even that seems much.

 

They fought me at first, but that stopped the first time I took away a day for arguing with me. Much better now.

 

Danielle

[Ohdanigirl]

I put my son on a computer ban for a month - no Facebook, no chats, no forums, nothing. He was not completing assignments and complaining in general about his work -- too tired, it's late, etc. It worked. He knows now if he reverts back, he will lose privileges again.

 

Great idea! he point is to let your dc know you mean business. All the while keeping you insanity.:D

 

Danielle

[Murphy101]

I put my son on a computer ban for a month - no Facebook, no chats, no forums, nothing. He was not completing assignments and complaining in general about his work -- too tired, it's late, etc. It worked. He knows now if he reverts back, he will lose privileges again.

 

:iagree: Yep. It's called a "black out". It sucks to do it, but it works.

[gingersmom]

My daughter is only allowed on facebook/television Friday (after school), Saturday and Sunday.

 

She did not finish her work 2 days this week so she lost a day of Facebook.

 

No nagging. No arguing. These are the rules. No discussion.

[Lori D.]

I am ready to wring her neck! She battles me, complains to me, challenges me, has to have the final last word, is disrespectful and I cannot stand being around her right now. She rushes thru her work, does it Half-a**ed and is a major pain in the rear.

 

all she wants to do is video games, Wii, and video game forums.

I let her go on about one hour per day, sometimes more just to get her out of my hair, I admit. Sometimes I don't feel strong enough to keep homeschooling her, but the public school is not an option!

 

What do I do? I feel like enrolling her in our Calif state K-12 program so she is accountable to someone else. Please advise me!

 

 

Just a suggestion, but... age 15 sounds like she is in 10th grade? Perhaps this is the time to put the ball in her court and get DD not only involved in her own education (selecting curriculum, determining schedule, etc), but taking ownership for it (reaping the successes -- or suffering the consequences -- from choices about being responsible (or not) in doing schoolwork). I know that is a scary proposition, BUT... DD still lives at home (a safe time/place to "fail"), and is young enough that should she fail now, she can still recover well. And some students only learn by taking a tumble -- or, being put into the position of "stepping up to the plate" and succeeding!

 

Specifically, perhaps calmly sit down together and outline what credits have to still be accomplished. Ask what DD's post-high school goals are; research what classes/credits and grades are needed to reach those goals.

 

Another possible idea as a "reality check": as soon as she turns 16, get her into a burger-flipping job, work at a carwash, or other menial job -- to learn responsibility, but also to see the reality that, without putting in effort in school, this is *all* her future is going to be able to hold. Also, what about the possibility of a community college class?

 

Hugs and encouragement to you! And BEST of luck as your family negociates this kink in your homeschooling journey! Warmest regards, Lori D.

[Faithr]

I agree with Lori D's approach. I'd have a nice date with the 15 yo and try to talk to her in a non-defensive mode. I'd work on creating a stronger bond and feelings of affection with her. Look at baby pictures, remember all the cute stuff she used to do. Anything that will make you feel closer to her. Then I'd have a heart to heart about how you need to treat her as an adult more. I'd let her decide when she wants to play video games but also let her know that she needs to complete her work in a timely manner and with her best effort. Summer is almost here, she'll get a break, if she finishes. Talk about how growing up means learning to balance responsibilities with playtime. It sounds like she is so busy resisting you that she can't grow up, she's locked into her own counterwill in reaction to you. So if you stop pushing, she'll have to stop pushing too. I would ask her how she thinks you could help her find balance. It is a process and she might not respond right away, but she will eventually figure out that the best way to go is to grow up and take the reins herself.

 

Ask me how I know all this???? My oldest dd was extremely resistant, but once I let go (and meant it) she wised up and became much more involved in designing her own education and taking charge of it. Her thing was talking all the time on the phone with friends and being utterly boy crazy!

[jelbe5]

Can you talk to your dh about this? We have had some similar problems with my dd this past year. We both sat down with her but my dh was the heavy, telling her what the consequences would be if she did not shape up (no TV, computer, being allowed to be in plays, etc.). My dh is happy to play "bad cop" when necessary. I have also tried to make an effort to spend some additional time with my dd and just talk about how things are going for her, etc. This seems to have strengthened our relationship and things are going better now. About a year ago I was ready to ship her off. Hang in there! :grouphug:

 

Adrianne in IL

[cillakat]

My two recommendations:

 

1) a ban on screens - she sounds addicted. No adults on screens either while she's awake.

2)All Children Flourishing - it's the same book as Transforming the Difficult Child - just updated. It really has transformed our interactions. And it was easy.

 

When taking away something as big as the screens are to her, it needs to be filled with something. Lots of activity. Fullness.

 

Best,

K

[LisaC]

I had to do this with hs dc. It was tough at first, but we got our dc back! We now limit all video games to the weekends and any computer time is after all school work is done (and for 1 hr. only). Life is much better around here. We also have the rule that there is no playing until chores and daily reading is done. Each child reads twice his age in pages of assigned book daily.

[jld]

Faithr, that was such an insightful message, and so inspiring! Thank you!

 

We feel challenged here, too, on how much time ds11 would like to spend on electronics vs. schoolwork. Your post, and Lori's, as well as many others, really have offered us concrete suggestions in a background of empathy, kindness and respect for the young person involved -- a sure winner for dealing with anyone, not just youth!

 

There is so much to be learned on these boards. Thanks for asking about this, Caroline!

[Love2Smile]

Thanks so much for all your replies!

I forgot to subscribe to this so I totally forgot about it.

Things have calmed down a bit today. We did call a family meeting and have come to some agreements about limiting screen time.

There will be no internet/video games Mon thru Friday. NONE!

She can have them back on Sat AM only if she did all her work and did not complain etc.. during the week.

 

It is so hard sometimes raising teenagers!

[Joan in GE]

First, I completely agree with all the posts about limiting screen time. There is something so addictive about it that our young get caught without realizing it. (and we can too)

 

Second, I cannot second enough the posts about relationship building.

 

My oldest went through really difficult times and even when we were very strict about computer time, he figured out how to get around it. Our relationship with him was not that great.

 

If the relationship is not there and they only learn to obey to get something, instead of in obedience and respect, as soon as you cannot hold up something they want, they will stop obeying.

 

I don't know the Children Flourishing book, it sounds interesting. I can recommend Hold on to Your Kids, or Leaving the Light On by Smalley...

 

Hoping things go better,

Joan

[Julie in MN]

If the relationship is not there and they only learn to obey to get something, instead of in obedience and respect, as soon as you cannot hold up something they want, they will stop obeying.

 

I strongly agree with Joan. The older they get, the more this is true, especially when they are not in your sight.

 

But I also wanted to mention that girls can be very different than boys. Girls don't enjoy things to be taken away from them any more than boys, but girls won't necessarily change the root behavior because of it. Boys can be much easier because they focus on the big picture, decide what they want, make the trade-off, and are done with it. Girls tend to be much more involved in the theoretical and philosophical minutia of the issues at hand.

 

No advice, just mentioning that what worked like a charm with my boys didn't really work with my dd.

Julie

[LauraQ]

Um, why not throw out the Wii, ban her from the computer (or take it away if she has her own), and ground her from the T.V. for at least one whole month, and longer as necessary until she learns respect. If she isn't distracted by that other stuff, then she will have more time to focus on doing her school work well.

 

When you do let her have tech access again, make her earn every minute she spends on it by doing heavy labor around the house over and above her minimum daily household chores (such as mopping, clean out the fridge, wash windows, mow the lawn, rake leaves, etc.).

[Pippen]

:iagree: Yep. It's called a "black out". It sucks to do it, but it works.

 

At my house we call it a video game vacation. :lol: Three weeks usually does the trick and (shocker) he usually agrees at the end that it was needed.