Would anyone care to evaluate this essay for me?

[sassenach]

I would love an outside opinion on this essay. It is written by my 7th grader. What I need is for someone to tell me if this in on par for her grade. I can spot a few needed corrections, but I feel like they are probably within the normal range of mess-ups. I consider myself a pretty weak writer, so I don't fully trust my ability to evaluate her writing. This is an IEW assignment.

 

Thanks!

 

 

The Influence of an Empire

 

 

Rome showed influence and power throughout its incredibly long reign. The city started with a legend of two brothers, Romulus and Remus, on Palatine Hill. Their city became one of the greatest as it evolved from a town to an empire. Rome’s army conquered many lands. The city had a very complex social network that also controlled parts of their government at times. Inside the government itself is the basis for our own.

 

Rome became the capital of one of the most incredible empires the world has ever known. It greatly influenced ancient cultures, which influenced our own, not only with its size but also by the fact that it lasted over 12 centuries. Since its army was undefeatable, the empire soon conquered all the lands surrounding it. By 50B.C most of the land surrounding the Mediterranean Sea and Europe, Africa and the Middle East were under Roman control. The Roman army was the largest in history. As this colossal domain continued to quickly expand it became more difficult to control. Rome was nearing its end. Finally when the government lost all control, the Roman Empire fell in A.D. 476.

 

Roman society was divided into the three groups or classes. The wealthiest and most important people in Rome were called patricians. The plebeians, who were the poor, were not allowed to have any political status until the Republic. In Rome, Patricians and plebeians were not allowed to marry each other. The last group were slaves or non-citizens. Sadly, these people were treated with ruthlessness, but could work to obtain their freedom. A plebeian could not work their way into patrician status. If you were born into a patrician family you were a patrician for the rest of you life, as was the same with plebeians and slaves. That was before the Republic. Because the Republic changed Rome so much, the citizens were treated almost equally and the classes were not as clear.

 

Rome had many stages of government throughout its rule. Kings and families were in control and ruled until 509B.C.. Around that time the Roman Republic began. It consisted of a Senate and two consuls, who were elected every year. In the beginning the position of senator or consular was explicitly for patricians, but later plebeians were allowed on. This went on for 500 years. In 49B.C. Julius Caesar took total control and became the first emperor. Finally the senate assassinated him because they did not want one ruler, yet many more emperors followed. The emperor had complete power and was occasionally worshipped as a god. Rome was ruled by emperors until its fall. Whether ruled by kings, consuls or emperors Roman government was quite elaborate.

 

Rome started as a town of shepherds and ended as one of the largest and greatest empire’s in the world. The people went about their daily lives as easily as we do now. The government was amazing and took a great role in our own government today. Many countries today use senates and copy their legal system. From its rise to its fall and Rome greatly influenced the world around it.

[texasmama]

I don't have a child in this grade, but this seems to me to be a good essay for a 7th grader. Obviously, there are a few errors, but I would expect that. Her sentence structure is good, the essay is pretty well organized and she has made it interesting to read. This is just one person's opinion, but it seems very appropriate to me.:001_smile:

[sassenach]

Thanks for the input. I'm hoping to hear more! (Not like you all have nothing better to do!)

[Leanna Tomlinson]

 

The Influence of an Empire

 

 

Rome showed influence and power throughout its incredibly long reign. The city started with a legend of two brothers, Romulus and Remus, on Palatine Hill. Their city became one of the greatest as it evolved from a town to an empire. Rome’s army conquered many lands. The city had a very complex social network that also controlled parts of their government at times. Inside the government itself is the basis for our own.

 

Rome became the capital of one of the most incredible empires the world has ever known. It greatly influenced ancient cultures, which influenced our own, not only with its size but also by the fact that it lasted over 12 centuries. Since its army was undefeatable, the empire soon conquered all the lands surrounding it. By 50B.C most of the land surrounding the Mediterranean Sea and Europe, Africa and the Middle East were under Roman control. The Roman army was the largest in history. As this colossal domain continued to quickly expand it became more difficult to control. Rome was nearing its end. Finally when the government lost all control, the Roman Empire fell in A.D. 476.

 

Roman society was divided into the three groups or classes. The wealthiest and most important people in Rome were called patricians. The plebeians, who were the poor, were not allowed to have any political status until the Republic. In Rome, Patricians and plebeians were not allowed to marry each other. The last group were slaves or non-citizens. Sadly, these people were treated with ruthlessness, but could work to obtain their freedom. A plebeian could not work their way into patrician status. If you were born into a patrician family you were a patrician for the rest of you life, as was the same with plebeians and slaves. That was before the Republic. Because the Republic changed Rome so much, the citizens were treated almost equally and the classes were not as clear.

 

Rome had many stages of government throughout its rule. Kings and families were in control and ruled until 509B.C.. Around that time the Roman Republic began. It consisted of a Senate and two consuls, who were elected every year. In the beginning the position of senator or consular was explicitly for patricians, but later plebeians were allowed on. This went on for 500 years. In 49B.C. Julius Caesar took total control and became the first emperor. Finally the senate assassinated him because they did not want one ruler, yet many more emperors followed. The emperor had complete power and was occasionally worshipped as a god. Rome was ruled by emperors until its fall. Whether ruled by kings, consuls or emperors Roman government was quite elaborate.

 

Rome started as a town of shepherds and ended as one of the largest and greatest empire’s in the world. The people went about their daily lives as easily as we do now. The government was amazing and took a great role in our own government today. Many countries today use senates and copy their legal system. From its rise to its fall and Rome greatly influenced the world around it.

 

 

First, this essay is very typical of a 7th grader and I would be pleased with this effort. She has several areas to work on, but so do most jr. high students. She has attempted to utilize the proper structure, she has mostly used formal language, and she has attempted to restate her points in her conclusion. It's obvious she has studied the Roman Empire and has information to share.

 

I think the main weakness in this essay is the thesis. The thesis is not completely clear. Is she trying to discuss the influence of Rome during the time of the Roman Empire, or discuss how Rome influenced our culture? In either case, the 1st body paragraph only loosely discusses the thesis. She needs to give specifics. What were those influences? roads? government?

 

The 2nd body paragraph does not discuss the thesis, but just explains the structure of Roman society. The essay needs to discuss the thesis statement.

 

The 3rd body paragraph discusses Roman government, but does not discuss how Roman government influenced anything.

 

Her attempt to conclude the essay is actually good. She just neglected to prove these points in the body.

 

She may benefit by writing an outline with the thesis clearly stated.

I. Intro with Thesis:

II. Body

A. Rome's influence on power

1. example - large size mimics todays world powers

2. example - Rome, like many powers today, ruled multiple cultures

B. Rome's influence on culture today

1. example - roads

2. example - hedonism

C. Rome's influence on government today

1. republic

2. I'll keep my mouth shut here. Lots of parallels....;)

III. Conclusion - restate points that have been proven in the body.

 

IMHO - most writing programs are weak on teaching students to THINK before they write. Teach her to make sure she has a thesis and is actually supporting that thesis with her points. Many students feel silly proving points that seem obvious to them. They assume the reader will get their point and that the point is so obvious they don't need to state it. Teach her explicitly state what she's try to say. Her statements may need to be reworded for the final essay, but until she states her point, she can't prove it or support it. Does that make sense?

 

She really is doing a fine job, and will probably do very well with a clear thesis.

 

HTH,

Leanna

Edited April 16, 2010 by Leanna
The correct outline spacing won't stay!!

[Ester Maria]

I have one child in 7th grade, and one in 6th, so this age range is my current focus in education.

 

I'd give that essay a good, solid C+. I can provide you with a detailed analysis of why I think so - what's good, what's not, both on the level of the idea and the expression, etc. - but I'm warning you that it will be nitpicking (my daughters are used to it and don't take it personally, but it might seem rather "harsh" to somebody from the outside), and that our standards with what constitutes a good middle school writing might differ. Let me know if you're interested. :)

[sassenach]

First, this essay is very typical of a 7th grader and I would be pleased with this effort. She has several areas to work on, but so do most jr. high students. She has attempted to utilize the proper structure, she has mostly used formal language, and she has attempted to restate her points in her conclusion. It's obvious she has studied the Roman Empire and has information to share.

 

I think the main weakness in this essay is the thesis. The thesis is not completely clear. Is she trying to discuss the influence of Rome during the time of the Roman Empire, or discuss how Rome influenced our culture? In either case, the 1st body paragraph only loosely discusses the thesis. She needs to give specifics. What were those influences? roads? government?

 

The 2nd body paragraph does not discuss the thesis, but just explains the structure of Roman society. The essay needs to discuss the thesis statement.

 

The 3rd body paragraph discusses Roman government, but does not discuss how Roman government influenced anything.

 

Her attempt to conclude the essay is actually good. She just neglected to prove these points in the body.

 

She may benefit by writing an outline with the thesis clearly stated.

I. Intro with Thesis:

II. Body

A. Rome's influence on power

1. example - large size mimics todays world powers

2. example - Rome, like many powers today, ruled multiple cultures

B. Rome's influence on culture today

1. example - roads

2. example - hedonism

C. Rome's influence on government today

1. republic

2. I'll keep my mouth shut here. Lots of parallels....;)

III. Conclusion - restate points that have been proven in the body.

 

IMHO - most writing programs are weak on teaching students to THINK before they write. Teach her to make sure she has a thesis and is actually supporting that thesis with her points. Many students feel silly proving points that seem obvious to them. They assume the reader will get their point and that the point is so obvious they don't need to state it. Teach her explicitly state what she's try to say. Her statements may need to be reworded for the final essay, but until she states her point, she can't prove it or support it. Does that make sense?

 

She really is doing a fine job, and will probably do very well with a clear thesis.

 

HTH,

Leanna

 

Thank you so much for such a detailed response. I think that part of the thesis problem may be that IEW didn't ask for one (and I don't understand the writing process enough to catch things like that). IEW asks the student to write the 3 body paragraphs first- one for each topic. Then for the intro paragraph, the instructions are to 1) Make a statement about the subject, 2)Give background info about the subject, 3) Write 1 sentence for each of your 3 body paragraphs.

 

So, I think what I'm hearing is that at this level the essay cannot just be informational, there has to be a point or idea that is being communicated about the subject. Is that right?

[sassenach]

I have one child in 7th grade, and one in 6th, so this age range is my current focus in education.

 

I'd give that essay a good, solid C+. I can provide you with a detailed analysis of why I think so - what's good, what's not, both on the level of the idea and the expression, etc. - but I'm warning you that it will be nitpicking (my daughters are used to it and don't take it personally, but it might seem rather "harsh" to somebody from the outside), and that our standards with what constitutes a good middle school writing might differ. Let me know if you're interested. :)

 

Sure. Hit me with it. ;)

[Leanna Tomlinson]

IEW asks the student to write the 3 body paragraphs first- one for each topic. Then for the intro paragraph, the instructions are to 1) Make a statement about the subject, 2)Give background info about the subject, 3) Write 1 sentence for each of your 3 body paragraphs.

 

So, I think what I'm hearing is that at this level the essay cannot just be informational, there has to be a point or idea that is being communicated about the subject. Is that right?

 

An essay can be expository (informational), but it needs to be unified. Since all information about Rome cannot possibly be discussed in an essay, the thesis needs to narrow the scope. The introduction of your daughter's essay promises what it does not deliver. The intro and title say she is going to discuss Rome's influence. Two of the paragraphs just give background about Roman history and culture, but don't discuss Rome's influence at all.

 

As your dd becomes more advanced in her writing, she can branch out from the traditional 5 paragraph format. At her level, I would stick with the 5 paragraph format and let her work on unifying her thesis, and proving or supporting her points.

 

I attended MCT's lecture on advanced academic writing last weekend in Cincinnati. He maintains that in Jr. high essays can be factual, but must still have a clear thesis. The goal is to move quickly to essays where ideas are being discussed rather than facts. Facts can support the ideas, but the real discussion comes when we prove or support ideas whether they be ideas of others or our own.

 

So, in answer to your question....yes, essays can be informational, BUT they must have a unifying thesis.

 

HTH,

Leanna

[Robin in DFW]

My ds is 12 and in 7th and he could not write this well if his mama's life was on the line.

 

I think it's fine for a younger student to have some organizational issues and such. That's what the remaining years of school are for...to hone and perfect skills that are just now being discovered.

 

I find that if I nit pick everything, it turns my ds OFF! Praise the things that are exceptional, then at a later time...a week or so, go back and look at correcting one issue...maybe the next day, another issue...etc. This way it's not such a kick in the teeth all at once.

 

I've recently read Writer's Jungle and it's all about not squelching the child's desire and ability to write by being SO critical.

 

It's a great read and really has helped me relax a little on the writing front. Also, SWB writing lectures are great to help relieve any worries you might have about writing.

 

hth,

Robin

[Guest]

Shannon, I always tell my daughter to leave the introductory paragraph until last too -- that's how I wrote all my high school, undergraduate, and graduate papers. But that doesn't mean you just go into writing paragraphs without having as clear an understanding as you can get for your age/grade level of exactly what you are going to discuss. I think the program misled both you and your daughter if they advised leaving any kind of thesis-formation until after the fact. How else can you know what's going to be going into those three paragraphs? You may write the intro paragraph last, but you write the thesis statement -- the culmination of that paragraph -- first and foremost. I can see where this could be very confusing.

 

There is some confusion too I think in whether you understand what she was doing as informational (here are the facts) or evaluative (here's how and why these particular facts matter). She was going for the second one: Rome was highly influential across space (in its own time) and historical time (including our own). Here's how it was influential and here's why that still matters. Together, these make an argument, not merely a restatement of facts. She does have trouble throughout the paragraphs carrying this argument part out fully, and the scope of the topic is pretty big for a short paper -- but then undergraduates struggle mightily to cope with these very same issues! Writing this type of essay is an enormously difficult thing to do. I think your daughter did a really fine job for her age, especially considering what seems to me well-intended advice from the program (write the introductory paragraph last) that seems not to have emphasized the formation of a tight thesis statement FIRST.

[JudyJudyJudy]

While I agree with the criticisms given by the others, I would bet that she would have been given an A on that essay in most public schools. (I'm a certified middle grades teacher in math, science, language arts, and social studies.)

[Robin in DFW]

it really is a very good attempt!

 

I think some of the criticisms are better reserved for an older student's work.

 

JMHO,

Robin

[8filltheheart]

I'm a tough grader as well. So I am more in tune with the criticisms. My kids are used to sitting with me and evaluating the pros and cons of their writing. For my kids, this would be a good example of an acceptable rough draft.

 

In addition to some of the other comments that have been made, I see some logical arrangement errors. For example, The city started with a legend of two brothers, Romulus and Remus, on Palatine Hill. She did not actualy write what I believe she meant to convey. She actually meant that legend says the city started with 2 brothers.

 

The biggest problem with the paper is what Leanna observed and I agree with her. The paper does not deliver what she proposed in her topic paragraph (which I think is too advanced a topic for a 7th grader). Papers should stay consistently within a framework......expository (a report), a comparison, cause and effect, etc. Your dd's is a mixture of more than one.

 

Until kids have mastered writing structure/style, it is better for them to write expository papers. Having to prove a contention such as "Rome's influence" requires rhetorical skills in addition to writing skills. FWIW......I assign very specific topics for my kids until they are strong enough writers to form a logical argument for position papers.

 

All that said, her writing is completely on targe for 7th grade. She just needs to understand the correct structure for a paper and understand the whys behind why her paper doesn't meet those criteria.

[Ellie]

I think it's pretty darn good for her age. :-)

 

At some point it would be good to point out that she needs to stick to one form of pronoun:

 

Roman society was divided into the three groups or classes. The wealthiest and most important people in Rome were called patricians. The plebeians, who were the poor, were not allowed to have any political status until the Republic. In Rome, Patricians and plebeians were not allowed to marry each other. The last group were slaves or non-citizens. Sadly, these people were treated with ruthlessness, but could work to obtain their freedom. A plebeian could not work their way into patrician status. If you were born into a patrician family you were a patrician for the rest of you life, as was the same with plebeians and slaves. That was before the Republic. Because the Republic changed Rome so much, the citizens were treated almost equally and the classes were not as clear.

I'm not using the correct terminology, lol, but the part I emphasized would be better written something like this: "Someone born into a patrician family was a patrician for the rest of his life." Of course, the problem started in the previous sentence: "A plebian could not work their way into patrician status." A person is a he or a she, not a they. This is a grammar issue, which you could work on during grammar instruction, so it wouldn't seem as if you were being nit-picky on the writing. :-)

[Capt_Uhura]

Nothing to add....just wanted to say how much I've learned from this discussion. I would like to thank the OP for posting it.

[Ester Maria]

1. On the level of individual sentences/paragraphs:

The Influence of an Empire

 

 

Rome showed influence and power throughout its incredibly long reign. The city started with a legend of two brothers, Romulus and Remus, on Palatine Hill. Their city became one of the greatest as it evolved from a town to an empire. Rome’s army conquered many lands. The city had a very complex social network that also controlled parts of their government at times. Inside the government itself is the basis for our own.

The verb in the first sentence needs to be replaced, because the logic structure of the sentence - "to show influence and power" - doesn't stand, even if it's a way of saying. Rome's influence and power were a result of something else than an attempt to "show" it, ergo the wording needs to be changed.

"Incredibly" is also problematic - "extraordinarily" would be a much better choice.

 

The city did not "start with a legend", it's logically impossible for anything to have its material start in a legend. The wording needs to be changed, you can say, for example, "According to the legend, the city was founded...", but you cannot claim that "the city started with a legend". Also, if you decided to bring up the legendary origins of the city, you need to expand on that information, because what we have here is inadequate amount of information (on one hand, we have names and a 'promise' to provide some concrete information, on the other hand, nothing is actually told about those concrete information themselves).

 

The third sentence is logically problematic - the underlying causation ("it became one of the the greatest because it evolved from a town into an empire") is not that incorrect, but "one of the greatest" is problematic because it assumes that at the time there were other empires that came to be out of small towns, and that the criteria for a "great city" is, in itself, being an empire. The sentence should be worded more carefully, such as: "The city's transformation from a town [*btw, it wasn't originally a town either, but I won't nitpick that, she's maybe too young to know these details] into an empire over the course of the centuries gradually made it one of the greatest / most influential / etc. cities/empires in history.", something of the kind.

 

The last sentence is also worded somewhat clumsily, it's not that anyone would take it literally, but you need to be more careful: "The structure of Roman government [...] basis for our own".

Rome became the capital of one of the most incredible empires the world has ever known. It greatly influenced ancient cultures, which influenced our own, not only with its size but also by the fact that it lasted over 12 centuries. Since its army was undefeatable, the empire soon conquered all the lands surrounding it. By 50B.C most of the land surrounding the Mediterranean Sea and Europe, Africa and the Middle East were under Roman control. The Roman army was the largest in history. As this colossal domain continued to quickly expand it became more difficult to control. Rome was nearing its end. Finally when the government lost all control, the Roman Empire fell in A.D. 476.

Cut on using the word "incredible" - it sounds very journalistic and takes away from the seriousness of the tone of the essay.

You can't first claim the entire Rome to be an empire, and then to claim that Rome was, essentially, the capital of that empire - either use the same name always to mean the same thing, either note what you mean if you use it to mean several things.

 

The second claim is potentially problematic too. What exactly influenced ancient cultures? Rome was a central part of it, it can influence systems outside of it, but it's logically problematic to claim an influence of a system on itself, if you get what I mean. It's also problematic to say "which influenced ours" - again, HOW?! It's NOT that classical antiquity is something that had its duration, ended and then remained a solid form of influence - classical antiquity transformed, and its influence is more of an "evolution" than anything else. I'm not sure if you understand what I'm trying to say - it's not that anything claimed in this sentence is technically wrong, but it can be read as implication of some things (on a linguistic level) which shouldn't be implied there.

 

The Roman army being undefeatable should be stated together with it being one of the greatest, and then proceed onto what it did (what's written in the paragraph is sort of A-B-A claim, rather than A-B-C-D... logical sequence).

 

The last three sentences lack logically explicit causation - you need to be more precise about what led to the "fall of Rome" than just the fact that it was hard to control due to its size.

Roman society was divided into the three groups or classes. The wealthiest and most important people in Rome were called patricians. The plebeians, who were the poor, were not allowed to have any political status until the Republic. In Rome, Patricians and plebeians were not allowed to marry each other. The last group were slaves or non-citizens. Sadly, these people were treated with ruthlessness, but could work to obtain their freedom. A plebeian could not work their way into patrician status. If you were born into a patrician family you were a patrician for the rest of you life, as was the same with plebeians and slaves. That was before the Republic. Because the Republic changed Rome so much, the citizens were treated almost equally and the classes were not as clear.

1) The whole paragraph is too "journalistic" - remove "sadly", "ruthlessness", etc., and speak concretely.

2) Differentiate clearly when you're talking about which epoch, and speak first for one, then for another, without temporal mixing within the paragraph.

The whole paragraph needs rewriting.

Rome had many stages of government throughout its rule. Kings and families were in control and ruled until 509B.C.. Around that time the Roman Republic began. It consisted of a Senate and two consuls, who were elected every year. In the beginning the position of senator or consular was explicitly for patricians, but later plebeians were allowed on. This went on for 500 years. In 49B.C. Julius Caesar took total control and became the first emperor. Finally the senate assassinated him because they did not want one ruler, yet many more emperors followed. The emperor had complete power and was occasionally worshipped as a god. Rome was ruled by emperors until its fall. Whether ruled by kings, consuls or emperors Roman government was quite elaborate.

Okay, this is actually not a bad paragraph. Its inner structure is okay, on the temporal level, and claims somehow logically come one from another. For a middle school level it can pass.

Roman Republic did not "begin". You need different wording when talking about shifts of political systems.

Also, the issue of inadequate amount of information arises here again. On one hand, you explicitly give some years and some names, but you don't deal with the others. Either you're going to make the whole paragraph more precise and thus provide with more information, either you need to cut on the information and speak on a more general level.

Rome started as a town of shepherds and ended as one of the largest and greatest empire’s in the world. The people went about their daily lives as easily as we do now. The government was amazing and took a great role in our own government today. Many countries today use senates and copy their legal system. From its rise to its fall and Rome greatly influenced the world around it.

First sentence - okay. Second sentence - totally out of place, not connected to anything else stated, remove it. Third sentence - journalistic ("amazing") and technically incorrect (the part about role in our government needs to be reworded). Fourth sentence - imprecise (just because something is called a senate doesn't mean it copies the form of the senated; plus only Roman private law is the basis of the continental laws today, and it's not exactly "copied"). Fifth sentence - well, Rome wasn't influential at the point of its rise, that's for sure, and its influence didn't end up with what's usually considered its "fall". ;)

 

2. On the level of structure:

 

There is no CLEAR THESIS in the essay. Before writing out the final form of the essay, you need to know what exactly you're trying to say and how are you going to say that. Also, the narrower the thesis the better, because it allows you to be more precise and concrete and you don't end up drowning yourself in rhetorical half-claims.

 

There are inadequate amounts of information all over the text. You need to decide what you're going to be detailed about, and what you're going to only state on a general level. This has a lot to do with having a clear focus.

 

The form does not correspond to the content. You aren't to be a slave of the form and write X paragraphs that are in y:z information ratio one to another, but you need to organize coherently your information and the form is there only to help you out - what's central is the content. Your content must be logically unified first, and then loosely put into the framework of some form.

 

The essay lacks causation of claims, one claim "leading" to another one.

 

Still, it's a decent try for a 7th grader. 7th graders don't need to deal with complex argumentative essays, essays on small precise points are good, but we can't allow them to be completely imprecise, provide half-information and lack structure. Also keep in mind that I'm nitpicking - but if you train certain things into them in middle school, they'll never have problems with writing.

[Guest]

Ester Maria's critique is very thorough. But unless you plan to focus on this one piece of writing with your child, to have her rewrite and rewrite it until she achieves the level of result Ester Maria is talking about (or unless you have a child who is ready and asking for critique), I think it's counterproductive for most 7th graders to tackle writing at that level, in the context of a single paper. Some kids may be ready for and interested in this level of discussion. Most are not; mine certainly isn't, although I view her as a confident and competent writer for her age.

 

I did two years of research in grad school in the teaching of writing, and studies consistently show that even at the undergraduate level students are incapable of processing so much information about their writing in a relatively short period of time. It's too much; it ceases to register. While I was in grad school the University of California was in the process of revamping how they taught graduate students (who ran the entry-level required writing classes) to comment on papers, because we were spending hours upon hours writing detailed remarks -- up to a page of single-spaced typing -- and the kids had only a very short time to deal with any of them, turn in a re-write, and still get work done for other classes plus deal with midterms and finals. Sometimes they only looked at their grade and never even read the comments past the first phrase or two.

 

So I'd agree with Robin. Unless you have a rare child who thrives under close, detailed critique and correction, or who wants to polish this piece of writing over time, stick to one or two issues to discuss with her. That is the beauty of having your child write a number of short papers like this: she'll get another opportunity right away to try again, with a different topic.

 

I would focus first and foremost on thesis statement formation. Once you have that in place, it is SO much easier for everything else to flow and to stick to the point. Don't expect it to happen right away -- this is a difficult thing to learn and undergraduates still struggle with it. You're working toward that as a goal, not expecting it to be achieved in the next few weeks. The more complex the material you are working with, the harder it is to make your writing obey! All my fellow grad students noted in amazement how their writing fell apart when they first began to struggle with grad school's critical demands.

 

Then I'd choose one piece of writing between now and the end of the school year for her to rewrite with closer attention to sentence-level detail. Let her choose; or choose one on a topic she cares about. Give her the opportunity to show off the finished product.

[sassenach]

I want to say a BIG thank you to all of you lovely ladies. This was incredibly helpful to me.

 

This was the first 5 paragraph essay that dd has ever done. I realized as I was grading it that I just don't have the knowledge to catch these things in her writing. This thesis business didn't even enter my radar before you all pointed it out. This gives me a real jumping off point to focus on.

 

This has also highlighted for me that writing is an area that I need to outsource. Dd is going to ps next year, but I have 2 more coming up behind her. When they get to this level, I am going to seek outside help. I'm really not the type who likes to outsource anything, but I just don't understand this subject well enough to rely just on myself.

 

I appreciate the time that you all took to look this over for me. From the encouragers to the more critical eye, it was all helpful.

[Socalmom]

I also wanted to add my thanks for this discussion. I have found it to be very informative. I don't think I have been expecting enough of my DD's writing.

 

Margie

[Robin in DFW]

but not for a young 12 year old 7th grader. Especially since this is her first paper of this nature.

 

Sorry to disagree, but a child this age getting that level of criticism and correction would probably not want to ever write again.

 

Robin

[JudyJudyJudy]

but not for a young 12 year old 7th grader. Especially since this is her first paper of this nature.

 

Sorry to disagree, but a child this age getting that level of criticism and correction would probably not want to ever write again.

 

Robin

I agree.

[Ester Maria]

Sorry to disagree, but a child this age getting that level of criticism and correction would probably not want to ever write again.

If you find this harsh, you really don't want to know what I did to my university students in those good ol' days (and they loved it! and ASKED for it! and they contact me even after I stopped teaching to get MORE of that ripping apart, especially if they're going to publish it!). :lol:

 

This is a "baby version", sugar coated and watered down for upper middle school / lower high school level. ;)

 

ETA: I do admit, though, that I honestly don't think that my standards should be the default ones for all children. I warned in advance that my evaluation of the essay might be seen as "nitpicking" for that age. :)

Edited April 17, 2010 by Ester Maria

[Liza Q]

I hope this does not come across as harsh but - if this was an IEW assignment, I really do not think much of IEW!! She should be taught about developing a thesis and supporting it before she is expected to write a five-paragraph essay!

[LND1218]

Wow some great feedback!! Not sure I can offer a lot, but we just did this assignment on a very similar topic for our IEW class (my dd is 12 as well.) And we did the research seminar with Andrew Pudewa last month.

 

 

Can I ask a couple questions first? Are you teaching her at home or is this part of a class? Have you done the IEW Teaching Writing Structure and Style? Is this your first year doing IEW style writing?