Keeping them happy

[Danestress]

I'm not even sure how to ask this or how to compare, but I want to talk about how much the rest of you care about the fleeting, temporary happiness of your children. I am not talking about our desire to see our children fulfilled in happy marriages and with work that they value. How much do you care if your children are irritated or unhappy for a hour?

 

Does it make you feel bad to say "no" to doing something for your children that you could do but don't want to (driving them somewhere, for example)? If your child wants a treat, do you feel less happy about your day if you say "no" and he or she is grumpy? If your child is basically stoic (accepts your "no" without arguments or rudeness) but you know he's not happy, does that bother you?

 

If your child wants to do an activity, how much does it upset you to say "no" because of time constraints or money? We had a fair amount of conflict with our oldest, and I am surprised that I am struggling with this because I thought I was an expert on dealing with a malcontent. I think it's hard because my twins, now 12, have always been so compliant and pleasant. I'm just not used to conflict at this point. I know in my mind that other families have conflict - that parents get on to kids about bed time or household rules. But it really bothers me when we do. I went for years having almost no negative interactions with these boys, and it bugs me that we have a growing amount of negative stuff - mostly just really small things like disagreements over appropriate snacks, getting chores done, etc. I can't remember the last time we had anything really big. I don't think I have punished either child in years. I am tolerant and reasonable about letting kids make choices and allowing them to disagree with me or argue for a change. But I'm feeling a bit ripped up by the small conflict.

 

I will give just one quick example. Right before church, one of my 12 year olds asked DH and I if he could do a tennis tournament next week. These tournaments start Friday or Saturday morning, and depending on the success of the child, go through Sunday. This one would be about one hour away and therefore would eat up at least one parents' entire weekend.

 

I said no. We just did one last week and we have three in the next two months - two of which are fairly high level and will require hotels. DH is less aware of our schedule so his initial reaction was positive but when I explained why I though we shouldn't do the tournament, he agreed with me.

 

I don't feel bad about saying "no." It was absolutely the right choice. But it really really bugged me all through church. I struggled with feeling like the demands are constant. I struggled with feeling overwhelmed, I was preoccupied with negative feelings and also with guilt because I denied him that opportunity just because I feel like we need more "free" weekends. My son wasn't thrilled with the "no." He sort of tried from different angles, "But it would be great and Dad could take me and I need to warm up before the state quals." You know - just continuing to make his case.

 

Do these things bother you? I know how to shut him down and let him know a decision has been made. It's not that I am wavering. But I am wondering how painful it is for the rest of you.

[Lara in Colo]

No I feel like a parent. God tells me no all the time. I get over it. You are a family, sometimes you get the spotlight/attention/treat..sometimes someone else does

 

Lara

[LibraryLover]

It really depends what I might be saying no to, how often my child asks, and whether I am being lazy or true.

[newlifemom]

It really depends what I might be saying no to, how often my child asks, and whether I am being lazy or true.

 

:iagree:Yeah that.

[wy_kid_wrangler04]

No I feel like a parent. God tells me no all the time. I get over it. You are a family, sometimes you get the spotlight/attention/treat..sometimes someone else does

 

Lara

 

 

:iagree:

[Aggie]

Couple of things...

 

In our home, I'm the one who takes care of scheduling, driving, costs, etc. Dh has little interest in retaining information I give him regarding all this. I am also the one who basically says "no" or "yes" to most questions the dc ask.

 

Right before church, one of my 12 year olds asked DH and I if he could do a tennis tournament next week. These tournaments start Friday or Saturday morning, and depending on the success of the child, go through Sunday. This one would be about one hour away and therefore would eat up at least one parents' entire weekend.

 

I said no. We just did one last week and we have three in the next two months - two of which are fairly high level and will require hotels. DH is less aware of our schedule so his initial reaction was positive but when I explained why I though we shouldn't do the tournament, he agreed with me.

 

This would have bothered me because, once again, I would be the one saying "no" when dh said "yes". The way that played out would make me look like the bad NO mom. Either dh should have said, "Let Mom and I talk about it" or ds should know to ask the one who is generally in charge of this kind of stuff.

 

Another thing is that dc this age are using their logic skills. :) It is tiring sometimes. Although it wears me out to be under the constant barrage of questions, I understand the dc don't see the *whole* picture. In this instance, your ds doesn't understand how another weekend away would affect the whole family.

 

A college friend of mine who has grown children, when I asked him about raising teens, told me last year, "Pick your nose." WHAT?!!:confused:

 

"Pick your NO's" is what he meant. :) I have, since then, watched how many times I say no, and why I say No.

 

To answer your question...when I say "no" there is usually a good reason. Dc may not realize it right now, nor appreciate it, but that's ok. Someday when they have dc of their own....:D

[Rosie_0801]

I have toddlers so my care factor is directly related to how much sleep I've had. If my sleep ration is cut down below seven hours a night for a week, I'll be shouting at people for having needs, let alone wants.

 

Rosie

[linders]

I love my kiddos and share in their joy when they are happy. That said, it is not my job to make them endlessly happy. It is my job to help them learn to cope with the world, one part of that being learning to balance their needs with the needs of others and to do so gracefully.

 

Of course, the boys sometimes claim that my job is "to make our lives miserable."

[Renee in NC]

I do not like saying no. However, I say it all the time. My oldest child *generally* takes it in stride because most of the time I will say yes if I can. My next child asks for things all the time which means I say no to him a LOT. It's really unfortunate because he feels like all I do is say no, but I can't get him to see that when you ask for things (events, permission) all the time you are much more likely to get a no.

[Danestress]

This would have bothered me because, once again, I would be the one saying "no" when dh said "yes". The way that played out would make me look like the bad NO mom. Either dh should have said, "Let Mom and I talk about it" or ds should know to ask the one who is generally in charge of this kind of stuff.

 

 

but my husband is a very positive person. He tends to say, "sure" to most schemes that sound fun. At the same time, he finds it much easier to say, "No" to things that require his time and energy when he doesn't feel he has the time or energy. If we are on vacation and DH wants to lie in a hammock, he finds it easier than I do to say, "No, sorry, I am not taking you fishing right now because I am very busy with this Hammock" and he knows that the boys will get over it, have fun, and still love him. So I guess there is balance.

[Danestress]

I do have a child who is very "wanty." He's a very nice child - generous and giving to others, but it does seem like he does 80% of the asking in our family of three children. And it seems like he is most disappointed by the "no" response.

 

And now that I am writing this, I am reminded that I decided a few months ago that maybe this has something to do with his "love language" and I need to read a book on that.