ADopted Russian Boy flown unaccompanied back to Russia

[Impish]

I wonder if the adoption was actually completed. My understanding (which isn't a whole lot, since I'm Canadian, and have never been interested in adopting internationally) is that the child becomes a US citizen upon completion of the adoption. That he was returned and a Russian citizen makes me wonder.

 

Did she not finalize and then spent the last several months looking for help, only to find out that his being a Russian citizen made it impossible, and not wanting to finalize the adoption of a child who was dangerous to her and others?

 

I get the feeling that there is so much we don't know, and everyone is in a hurry to tar and feather the mother, rather than look for the truth. (Talking media, not individuals here)

[Denisemomof4]

I am not saying that what this woman did was right but from new reports, they are now saying the adoption agency they went through never informed this woman of the mental issues this child had.

 

The child told the adopted mother he burnt down a building near the adoption agency he was in, he became violent when she wouldn't let him play video games, and he tried starting a fire in his room.

 

I don't understand why the adoption agency didn't help or why the family went about it the way they did but I believe the adoption agency is at fault too. Obviously this woman would not have adopted this child had she known the issues he had.

 

It is a sad story, I feel for the child, but I can also see the adopted mothers point of view. I'm not saying I would have gone about it that way but something would have had to been done.

 

My adoption agency was there to get their money and facilitate the adoption. They're in the business for money, whether they claim it or not. It's BS that it's a nonprofit adoption agency. The entire process made me sick because it was clear they were in it for the money. In China, it's a huge money making business, too. Every day there was something else to buy for the child, so they had this or that to help them connect with their culture and not forget their roots. We had to bring gifts for all the important officials. We were lined up like cattle going to a slaughter house, and the just took our gifts and charged us $300 to sign papers for our child. It made me sick. I took all my gifts and gave them to the waiter in our hotel restaurant, the maids who worked so hard in our room, or anyone else that helped us. Those officials got NOTHING from me other than my money for their signature, which made me sick.

 

Our adoption agency cuts ALL strings with us once the adoption is complete. They don't care about the mess our lives are from the troubled child. They had no resources or help for us. They asked our family to come to an adoption introduction meeting SIX WEEKS after our adoption so everyone could meet us, our bio kids and our adopted kid. They FULLY KNOW that the true issues won't come out in six weeks, or that we'll have no clue as to what's going on yet if the issues DO surface. The couples in the room hear of our romantic story, how lovely everything is. The deceptive adoption officials are all there, smiling and boasting how wonderful it all is, knowing that EVERY CHILD, foster or adoptive, is in the "honeymoon" phase those first six weeks, so the deceit continues on.

 

We were NEVER educated. We were lied to when we were told that "Kids in China tend to do very well." The social worker sternly told us, before the adoption ever took place, that once the adoption was complete, the child was ours forever. No matter what, forever. For us, the thought of giving up a child was not even conceivable. UNTIL the RAD behaviors set in.

 

They all know what they're doing. They all know about adoption issues. They deceive because they have a business to run. I'm SURE there are people working for these agencies because they truly want to save lives. But I'm just as certain that many, if not most, of them aren't in it for that reason.

 

We tried and tried to get help for our daughter. I left many messages for therapists where I was crying hysterically and begging for help. I have read over and over and over that unless the therapist specializes in adoption issues/RAD that they could actually do more harm than good.

 

There is one facility two hours away I considered. It will cost a minimum of $10k OUT OF OUR OWN POCKET. Our oldest starts college next year. I've considered it but dh refuses, saying our daughter will only play the game and do what she's supposed to in their office, that she'll never change. I agree. So instead, I've done extensive research on her issue and have purchased a TON of resources to use with her. I've helped her more than any other person has. And with some things, I go against what RAD therapists recommend. I have a WONDERFUL mother's intuition (I think we all do) and it has never failed me. My dd has healed and made strides more than I ever hoped for. BUT, she still has a LONG way to go.

 

I also tried to get help for her for what I now know are sensory issues. When dd first came home, she would run without slowing down into walls. She had NO depth perception. She's ALWAYS hitting her head HARD. Our insurance wouldn't pay for therapy at a place who specializes in this type of therapy. So I tried to sign her up for Healthy Kids. Still, the process was so draining and difficult that we finally gave up. Again, I try to do things to help her at home. It's a TON of work. Again, nobody was there for us.

 

Not many mothers can put all this energy into helping a child. My husband has told me a million times he's never seen someone work so hard. So what is someone to do when there truly is NO HELP and they aren't able to do what I have???

[Denisemomof4]

 

The thing that seems unbelievable to me is that the mother never had the child in any sort of treatment. According to the article I read, she talked to a psychologist herself, but the boy was never evaluated by a psychiatrist, nor was he treated. I wonder why. Don't get me wrong, I have sympathy for this lady, but I don't understand taking such a drastic step without seeking treatment.

 

Wendi

 

Wendi

 

Ok, Wendi, I think I have a good explanation for this as well. Not one that makes sense, in my book, but a very real answer.

 

While I was caring for my mother before her death, I was not able to devote myself to my dd. During that time, she got worse. When my mother died in July, my dd was a bigger mess than I realized. And I was too exhausted to devote time to her at the time. ALL the work to help her heal has rested solely on my shoulders. I've taken her to a state agency that specializes in post adoption issues and they were a JOKE. No other therapist recommended by the online RAD support groups would even return my call. NONE of them.

 

So when my mother died and I was too exhausted to pull my daughter out of her depth of despair, I started to call around again. There were a few new therapists who claimed to have RAD experience (I was highly skeptical) and I tried to get her into them, but when I found out that they work with ME, to coach ME how to be her parent. I didn't want that. I wanted HER to get help. I wanted HER heart to heal. So once again, the work truly was on me. I took the time I needed to recover and get over my grief and only in the last 2 - 3 months did I start my intensive, exhausting work on her. It was BEYOND tiring, but now, again, dd is thriving.

 

If I had gone the only route available to me, I would be getting most of the therapy. Even in the largest facilities which specialize in RAD, much, if not most, of the work is done with the parents.

[Denisemomof4]

I think some people are so desperate for a child, they ignore potential problems. This woman is a nurse. She is not medically ignorant. The adoption agency may have downplayed the boy's behavioral issues to expedite adoption (I believe it is done too often), but many of these problems are in the mainstream now. Do prospective adoptive parents really not know about RAD and other issues with which these children present? Do they not research? Or, in their desperation to adopt, do they choose to overlook the risks and simply hope for the best? It's a terrible analogy, but I can't help think of caveat emptor. Let the 'adoptive parent' beware.

 

I think a LOT of people don't research adoption because they just have NO CLUE that there might be problems. I know I thought that love could overcome everything. I knew we had more love to give than any child could possibly need. I never imagined that love would never, EVER be even close to enough.

 

Also, this woman was a nurse. That's fine. Nurses are great for MEDICAL knowledge, NOT mental illness knowledge. That's another entire bowl of wax.

 

The agencies likely never even mention behavioral issues. It's common knowledge that they are deceitful. They don't want to say or do anything to get in the way of the adoption taking place.

[Tap]

 

There were a few new therapists who claimed to have RAD experience (I was highly skeptical) and I tried to get her into them, but when I found out that they work with ME, to coach ME how to be her parent. I didn't want that. I wanted HER to get help. I wanted HER heart to heal. So once again, the work truly was on me. I took the time I needed to recover and get over my grief and only in the last 2 - 3 months did I start my intensive, exhausting work on her. It was BEYOND tiring, but now, again, dd is thriving.

 

 

 

I think this a major point that most people don't understand. Behavior therapy or other types of therapy for mental health issues in children, are often more for the parent to learn strategies than the child. These can be very valuable, but only if you get a good therapist who really understands the issues. When we first were starting therapy for dd3, the therapist looked at me and said "oh, you brought her too." It was one of my first steps into understanding how pediatric therapy works. It makes sense to teach the parent, it really does but in my own experience, at the time we got involved with therapy, I was emotionally and physically exhausted. It was hard to go to dd's therapy and basically have someone sit there and have you dissect your child's issues and how you have been dealing with them. Then they give you suggestions on how to parent different. Now, I did learn wonderful things and they have changed my life. It was absolutely some of the most life changing time for me, but I was so beat down at the time, it was very, very hard to implement. I wish now, that I could have a transcript of our old sessions (this therapist is no longer working) because I think there was a lot of information I didn't absorb.

 

So, while they say the child didn't receive therapy that doesn't mean that the mother didn't get some suggestions to work with the child at home. A lot of these suggestions take time to work through and a child's needs change constantly. What behavior appeared last week may go away and now there is something different to deal with. That constant change of personality and issues gets daunting.

 

I also have ran into some of the same issues with dd3 that Denise has with insurance issues. Just because there is a therapist out there it doesn't mean they have openings and if they do, they may not take the insurance the patient has. Specialty therapists are very expensive at over $200 per session, this can add up very, very fast. Yes, everyone can say, 'well you pay it if that is your only choice' and I agree, but it can still take many months to get started and to get to a point of seeing a result. Not every suggestion is going to work. Especially in the beginning when the therapist has only a small amount of experience with your child. We started behavior therapy 2 times. Each time we had 3-4 sessions of 'intake' only while I talked about why we were there and what goals I hoped to see. That could cost someone $6-800 just to tell the therapist what the issue is....let alone start getting any suggestions.

 

There are waiting lists at most of the offices in our area. Maybe that is part of why they are so expensive. It can be hard to pay that amount when a lot of the advice I got, was the same as the books I was reading. The therapist was just able to help me identify some of the underlying issues, and point me to strategies that may be the most effective. I can totally understand Denise going it alone with the therapy. Once you get the mindset of identifying and seeing the root of the issues (not just how they present) I do believe that good intuition, and a stack of materials can be as wonderful as a good counselor.

[Tap]

I think another important thing to reiterate is something else mentioned previously. You don't get a lot of training in addressing issues in adoptive children. Yes, foster parents get more, but the basic classes are about a week of training, just an overview of what you can expect, not anything intensive.

 

Then there is the honeymoon phase for the first couple of months. Then the child starts letting bits of their personality show through. It is just like any child, and certain behaviors show up more often than others. The parent may try some basic parenting strategies like time outs, redirecting, etc. But it takes a while to realize what is normal, what is just a bad/stressed kid day, what is normal for an adopted child to work through, and what raises the red flags to get the parent to seeking therapy. It isn't like the adoptive parent picks up the child and then schedules therapy. There is a time of trial and failure long before it gets to this point. The honeymoon, then many months or years of trial and error, and then considerations and looking into therapy.

 

 

I really believe that every family who adopts should have a therapist paid for in the adoptive paper work and cost. Even just an hour long phone call, once a week or twice a month. Just to check in. To offer the parents some support and suggestions. To keep a gauge of the situation and to have someone say "I think you need to consider therapy as these issues we have talked about are more extreme that I would expect to see. Here are some places to check out in your area".

[Denisemomof4]

 

So, while they say the child didn't receive therapy that doesn't mean that the mother didn't get some suggestions to work with the child at home. A lot of these suggestions take time to work through and a child's needs change constantly. What behavior appeared last week may go away and now there is something different to deal with. That constant change of personality and issues gets daunting.

 

This is true. Once I got enough headway to heal Olivia of one thing, or for it to FINALLY sink in that *such-and-such* issue absolutely will NOT be tolerated and if you do it, your consequence will be *insert what ever works AT THE TIME* then a new behavior would emerge. Imagine going through this for years on end. Even half a year could have been to much on the mother we are speaking of, and I completely understand that. I can't imagine being a single parent to a child like she likely had.

 

I also have ran into some of the same issues with dd3 that Denise has with insurance issues. Just because there is a therapist out there it doesn't mean they have openings and if they do, they may not take the insurance the patient has. Specialty therapists are very expensive at over $200 per session, this can add up very, very fast. Yes, everyone can say, 'well you pay it if that is your only choice' and I agree, but it can still take many months to get started and to get to a point of seeing a result. Not every suggestion is going to work. Especially in the beginning when the therapist has only a small amount of experience with your child. We started behavior therapy 2 times. Each time we had 3-4 sessions of 'intake' only while I talked about why we were there and what goals I hoped to see. That could cost someone $6-800 just to tell the therapist what the issue is....let alone start getting any suggestions.

I know several people who have sold their homes to help their child or who have took out a second mortgage to help their child. I know of one woman who flies to another state every other week to help hers, and she's been doing this for years. She has MOUNTAINS of debt. To me, that's ok IF YOU HAVE NO OTHER KIDS to suffer the consequences of those choices. Also, her daughter still mutilates herself and has other deep issues. To me, spending that kinds of money to still have those issues are irresponsible. MY opinion. And it's true. The few specialists in the area are overbooked and not taking new clients. Our insurance isn't an HMO and doesn't cover all the specialists. I won't go into debt on a therapy that has a 50% success rate, even lower after the age of 6. We have FOUR kids. Adopting a child with behavioral issues was hard enough on my kids. I won't change their lives to go into debt on top of it, ESPECIALLY when there's a good chance it will never help.

 

 

There are waiting lists at most of the offices in our area. Maybe that is part of why they are so expensive. It can be hard to pay that amount when a lot of the advice I got, was the same as the books I was reading. The therapist was just able to help me identify some of the underlying issues, and point me to strategies that may be the most effective. I can totally understand Denise going it alone with the therapy. Once you get the mindset of identifying and seeing the root of the issues

BINGO!!! I spent years scouring the internet and buying a wealth of resources to study to help my dd. I found that some strategies the therapists/books suggested worked, and others were hogwash. I learned which to use, and did a lot of my own work. The peace has been restored in our home now that I can fully devote my time to my family again. I would not be happy and our family would not be thriving if I had to spend 4 hours on the road getting my dd to therapy. The initial WEEKS would have been intensive work. The financial debt HUGE. All this for something that statistically may not have ever worked. I know my dd and I know what she needs, NOT some therapist. I have truly learned, through my countless hours of research, how to help my dd heal and even how to help her identify her triggers to bad behaviors. Open discussion with me, MOM, has been the single most healing and effective thing for her.

[Denisemomof4]

I wonder if the adoption was actually completed.

 

Our adoption was first finalized in China before we left the country (and I believe that happens in Russia, too) and then finalized in NH. We signed papers pretty fast after bringing her home, but I can't remember how long. This boy was in his new home 7 months, so it was most likely finalized.

 

It is also a very real possibility that this boy couldn't be helped in the US yet because of the language barrier, but these kids pick up our language more quickly than anyone realizes.

[Happy2BaMom]

...U.S. and Russia. Russia allows it, in these (and possibly other) cases.

[Laurie4b]

I haven't read all of the responses, but I will post my probably against the grain opinion. My bil and sil adopted 3 kids from Guatemala 7 years ago. One of the kids - a boy murdered my sil. He brought her his math book that had a knife under it and he stabbed her to death. He then brought her biological 4 year old dd in to watch her die. So... I do believe that this woman could have feared for her life and just didn't know what else to do. If you do a search on RADD for adopted kids - you will find lots of stories of violence and death related to these type of adoptions.

 

Having said that - my bil and sil were trying to help the children they adopted through keeping them at home. Neither one of them had any idea the boy they adopted was capable of murder. When he was asked why he killed her - he said it was because she took the video games away from him. He as also planning on killing a neighbor woman. You really just never know what somebody is walking through unless you are them.

 

Kari,

 

How awful. I am so sorry for your family and for the 4 year old who had to watch her mother die.

 

Laurie

[Laurie4b]

But why is it so hard to get help for these kids? I'm sad and frustrated for the family. I don't think sending him back was right, but it seems that it's too hard and expensive to get help. Sadly, I think many families spend all their money (and/or go into debt) for the international adoption; they can't really afford expensive treatments. RAD specialists are probably hard to find. I assumed, though, that if a child is that violent and unstable, that there is some kind of community mental health program that would offer services. Am I wrong? Is an adopted child really not eligible?

 

Wow.

 

Wendi

 

Why is it hard to get help? Because 1) they are often untreatable 2) residential treatment (which is often necessary) is hundreds of dollars a day 3) insurance doesn't cover all treatment 4) there are not RAD specialists in every region 5) Parents need respite and it is often not available. 6)no, not all states/counties have lowcost treatment for violent kids. It has nothing to do with adoption. It's just not available. In our state, the budget issues have almost totally eliminated public mental health care.

[MyFourSons]

So, I am curious to ask. What part of the story do people have the most issue with?

 

That she was returning the boy to Russia at all?

That she didn't fly with him and take him to the appropriate place herself?

That she attached a note and sent him on his way?

That she was accused of pulling his hair?

 

What about the story specifically bothers everyone the most. What do you think she should have done. Lets give her the leniency and say that it was not a healthy situation for either on of them, and she had tried counseling. She knew she couldn't keep him. What do you think she should have done.

 

 

I am absolutely not agreeing with her, but I am very curious about which details everyone is the most upset about.

 

 

We unexpectedly adopted dd3. We thought we were fostering her for a while, but her mom didn't get it together. So, her we are. She has extreme behavior issues so I can empathize with the mom here. Taking on a child with issues is like accepting a time bomb and thinking it is an alarm clock. No one can really prepare you for the amount of energy or resources a child like this consumes. I would have hoped to see her go through the proper channels to legally return him to Russia or give the child to a local agency if she found that she didn't have the skills/patience necessary to parent him.

 

I am happy to see that she at least made arrangements to have him looked after on the flight and then for someone to pick him up on the other end. It is not an ideal situation AT ALL but I am happy that she was making sure he was looked after.

 

When you adopt, you become a parent. There is no return policy for children. If your child is born with issues, you as a parent are expected to care for that child the best you can and seek the appropriate help if needed. Adoption is no different. She became that child's legal parent, and yet she sent him back as if he were a defective piece of merchandise she were sending back to a store. Social services, youth services, school services, she didn't seek help from anybody. If he were in need of seperation from the family, if he were truly too violent to stay with other children, then he should have been placed in the care of the authorities in the country where his adoptive mother lived.

 

Even if she was unable to care for him, he should have been able to benefit from the services that are available to him in America as an American citizen. Instead he was returned to his country of origin and placed in the care of a stranger, not the way you treat someone you promise to raise as your own child. Would you treat your biological child this way? Never, no matter how mentally ill he was. Adoptive children deserve to be treated with no less respect than biological children.

 

As a person with close friends who are adopted, I find this quite abhorent.