Gossipy Friend

[Jean in Newcastle]

I have a couple of good pastor-wife friends. Their husbands went to seminary with my dh and me. I have trouble with one of these friends on the subject of gossip. For the purpose of clarity, let me label one wife, wife A and the other one wife B.

 

10 years ago, a mutual friend's marriage broke up. Wife A called me to tell me about it. I knew intimate details because both the husband and the wife involved had called my dh and me for counseling. Wife A pumped me for details and when I refused to play stating that that would be gossip, she was angry because she said that a divorce was fact and was something you could read about in the newspaper. We agreed to disagree on this topic and remained friends.

 

A couple of months ago, it came to dh's and my notice that another pastor and his wife (Wife B) were going through family difficulties. One of the problems was that the wife B's mom had terminal brain cancer. Wife A called me to tell me that Wife B had terminal brain cancer. When I told her that no, it was Wife B's mom who was ill, Wife A said that her husband was going to call Wife A and ask her straight out. He did, and of course was told that the rumor was wrong. I winced through all of this because it was not done subtley at all but "I heard a rumor that you have brain cancer. Is that true?"

 

A week later, Wife A called me again. This time she was extremely concerned that Wife B and her husband were having trouble with their teens. I happened to know that they were because Wife B had confided in me. But when Wife A told me her specific concerns, the details were not correct at all. (You know, something like "I heard the dd is pregnant" when it really was trouble with drugs.) I was in a pickle because I couldn't correct her without telling her private things I had no intention of passing on. So all I did was to say that I thought it wise for all of us to pray for each other's families because it is tough to raise children and teens to adulthood. I did gently confront her on gossiping and she denied it was gossip because she was sharing prayer requests.

 

I have not talked to Wife A since. I have talked to Wife B for hours because her mom did die and she's also needed someone to talk to about kid issues. The thing is, I don't want to lose my 20 year friendship with Wife A but I feel pretty mad and disappointed in her. Any insights?

[TravelingChris]

You won't change Wife A. So you have to decide whether the gossip is enough to terminate the friendship or whether you can be friends but just keep rejecting her gossiping interludes the way you have been.

[Ame E.]

and base the friendship on that? Part of real friendship is being able to tolerate and/or accept boundaries imposed by the other person. Everyone has to be free to obey the voice of their own conscience. Pray for her and when with her, focus on the things you both really enjoy.

[MariannNOVA]

You won't change Wife A. So you have to decide whether the gossip is enough to terminate the friendship or whether you can be friends but just keep rejecting her gossiping interludes the way you have been.

 

 

:iagree: Sounds like Wife A (despite many many opportunities) cannot keep from gossiping....and you have certainly been an excellent role model , but in spite of your example and effort, she seems unable to resist.

 

I would have to make a decision to either terminate the friendship due to the gossip issue that she seems unable to resist or continue the way you have. Frankly, it sounds to me like speaking to her might be negotiating a minefield -- I would find it tiring.

[Jean in Newcastle]

You won't change Wife A. So you have to decide whether the gossip is enough to terminate the friendship or whether you can be friends but just keep rejecting her gossiping interludes the way you have been.

 

You are right. I won't change her, darn it! I think I will just keep rejecting her gossiping interludes.

 

and base the friendship on that? Part of real friendship is being able to tolerate and/or accept boundaries imposed by the other person. Everyone has to be free to obey the voice of their own conscience. Pray for her and when with her, focus on the things you both really enjoy.

 

We do have a lot in common. Ironically (because gossiping is a sin) most of what we have in common are spiritual things. I think this is why this is such a disappointment to me - not because I expect other pastor's wives to be perfect but because I know how devastating something like gossip can be to people, including the person who is doing the gossip.

 

 

I would have to make a decision to either terminate the friendship due to the gossip issue that she seems unable to resist or continue the way you have. Frankly, it sounds to me like speaking to her might be negotiating a minefield -- I would find it tiring.

 

I find it tiring too - when it happens. The thing is though, we live hundreds of miles apart. So it doesn't happen everyday because obviously we don't share all the same friends. It is just whenever a mutual friend comes up that this becomes an issue. And just typing this out helps me to realize that it isn't a huge problem that is constant. So thanks for helping me think this out!

[MariannNOVA]

The thing is though, we live hundreds of miles apart. Well, that does give things different perspective -- So it doesn't happen everyday because obviously we don't share all the same friends. It is just whenever a mutual friend comes up that this becomes an issue. And just typing this out helps me to realize that it isn't a huge problem that is constant. So thanks for helping me think this out!

 

We aim to please!

[Susan in KY]

The thing is, I don't want to lose my 20 year friendship with Wife A but I feel pretty mad and disappointed in her. Any insights?

 

If she's talking about others, she's talking about you. I wouldn't want a friendship where I had to watch my back like that.

[novagirl]

If she's talking about others, she's talking about you. I wouldn't want a friendship where I had to watch my back like that.

:iagree::iagree::iagree: UGH! Some people never grow up, if I hear gossip from someone on a continual basis, that tells me whatever I say is being spread around too. No wonder why I don't have many female friends, I don't like to talk about others problems. Not that I believe all females are gossips as I believe some men like to chat more than women, but I find it to be less of a problem with guys.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Well, I'm not so worried about her gossiping about me. Since we do live so far away, she's rather limited in who would even care to hear gossip about me. Pretty much the only one she could gossip to is Wife B and I know her well enough to know that she would react just as I did to the gossip!

 

Most of our conversation is about what we are learning in our lives, things we've read and stuff like that. Not tabloid material.

[hillfarm]

I have different friends in my life that I enjoy for different reasons. Since it is more of a phone conversation than in-person interaction, it would be harder to focus on doing something together to take her mind off gossiping but perhaps it can be done. Could you suggest to her that the two of you do a long distance book club? Not necessarily picking one on the sins of gossip, even though it sounds like she would benefit from that topic, but some other topic that the two of you have in common, either spiritual or other wise (home management, dealing with teen aged children, gardening, travels in Italy, etc.). Then you could read a chapter and get on the phone together to discuss what you have read. Perhaps steering clear of works of fiction would be a good choice at first. Then later you could tackle a few of the classics and if she wants someone to talk about, let it be a famous literary character. Hopefully that would give you a way to interact that would not involve her greatest temptation.

[Gratia271]

I would have to make a decision to either terminate the friendship due to the gossip issue that she seems unable to resist or continue the way you have. Frankly, it sounds to me like speaking to her might be negotiating a minefield -- I would find it tiring.

:iagree:

[proverbs356lady]

My experience is that gossip is definitely destructive and divisive. I've tried very hard over the years to avoid spreading and listening to gossip. Gossip can be soooo very subtle. Like your friend disguising it as a prayer request. Don't let her drag you into that trap. Gently tell her that if she has concerns about someone that she should call them herself. Once she realizes that she can't get information out of you, hopefully she'll get the message and change her conversation habits. You have obviously demonstrated that you are a trusted friend.

 

It's actually interesting to watch the dynamic of relationships change as people realize you won't play the gossip game with them. I've lost some friendships because of this but have gained other more precious friendships based on mutual respect and trust. It's worth standing firm. I still fall into the gossip trap more often than I'd like, but I'm working on it.:blush:

[RoughCollie]

Most of our conversation is about what we are learning in our lives, things we've read and stuff like that. Not tabloid material.

 

I would continue to use the broken-record technique: reiterate to A that you will not talk about B's business because it is not your business to tell.

 

Then continue on with your friendship with A. Eventually, A will give up on trying to get you to tell her about B.

 

Personally, I would not waste my time giving A lectures about gossiping. A isn't stupid. She just wants to find out what is going on more than she wants to stop asking you about it.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I think that as a fellow believer you have the obligation to confront your friend about her gossiping.

 

I know of a situation that was similar and when confronted that friendship ended and one of the people involved moved away so they never really "made up". However, the gossipy person did change her ways over time and it was because the friend was willing to risk the friendship.

 

I ended a friendship over something similar but I never did confront the gossiper. it was impossible for various reasons so I just let contact slip.

 

 

Are you willing to risk the friendship to help your friend grow and change? I'm not saying it's easy but I do think that it is right. (obviously this is easy for me to say since it isn't my friend and my life so take it with a grain of salt.):grouphug:

 

I did confront her both times but both times she justified it by saying that it wasn't really gossip. I do think that she genuinely cares about the people and wants to know not out of maliciousness but out of a burning curiosity. But - it is not her place to get this information 2nd hand (her sources seem to be atrocious) and it is not her place to pass the information along at least in this detail. I'd say she lacks discernment.

 

I didn't quote Proverbs365 lady but I think she is correct in saying that she should go to the source. I think one of the problems is that she is concerned but is not showing her concern by actually taking the time to reach out to the people involved. In both situations she expected me to do the reaching out and wanted to reap the benefit of 'privileged information' so to speak. The time when her dh (a pastor who I think should definitely know better) did go to the source, it was hurtful in it's bluntness (the "I heard you have a brain tumor. Is that true" comment.) I was actually glad that he didn't call the source to find out about their dd ("I heard your dd is pregnant. Is that true?" could be hurtful too if done to just get the latest scoop.)