Help with this singlemom's decision, Please.

[Chocolate Lover]

OK, I really need some help in this situation. We homeschool after school. As a single mom I have needed childcare in order to go to community college and work on my education - this semester I will finish my Associate's of Science in Nursing and qualify to take the RN licensure exam. DS is now 9 1/2 years old.

 

I put him in a small, private, Jewish school starting in kindergarten. We always homeschooled evenings, weekends, and vacations. He is in 4th and won the spelling bees in both 3rd and 4th grades, is in the 7th grade spelling group and is bored, "It's too easy," he says. He is in a math group that is 5th grade level, the music teacher says he has perfect pitch, the art teacher is totally happy with his work and co-operation. The Jewish studies, Torah, and Hebrew teachers are happy with his skill and sensitivity. The PE teacher compliments him on his abilities.

 

Some more background: On the winter break of his kinder year he told me he was strangled by a 4th grade boy who was in a martial arts program. I immediately informed the principal, who although the school had a zero tolerance policy for violence, did not expel the boy, but came up with a plan where the two would not be in the same room together. This was not always enforced. Several times when I came to pick up DS from the aftercare room, they were both in the room together with other children and the one adult supervisor. The boy stayed in the school until graduation at the end of 5th. That means for the rest of DS's kinder year and all of 1st grade DS was scared at school. I didn't realize it at the time.

A few weeks ago I found out DS had taken half a months rent money out of my hiding place in my bedroom. He had given the money to two of his friends at school, to purchase various things that were not worth the amount he was paying. This came to light during the parent-teacher conference when one of the parents interrupted saying his son had this $100 bill in his pocket, and that my DS had given it to him. This involved the kids in his class and the money oriented reward system the teacher created in the classroom. I came up with several discipline methods for such a potentially disasterous infraction, one of which was no recess at school for a period of time. The school balked, I got talked into making it shorter.

 

Then Friday the Co-President of the Board gave me a letter with 5 requirements for me to follow to keep my son in the school, where I must sign the letter of agreement by May 1, my graduation day, and only about 3 weeks before the end of the schoolyear for DS. They are threatening to disenroll him if I don't follow them. That would mean he wouldn't get a final grade for the year. One is requiring that I put him in therapy, and give the principal access to his private therapy information. I believe this is a violation of his HIPPA privacy rights.

 

So, I am not wanting to do this, and am trying to figure out what my options are for full time hsing him, and yesterday talking to DS about this whole situation. He was very sad, so I was asking him about his feelings. He is a very "feeling" type of boy which I encourage because feelings are part of being a complete human being. Then he starts getting red, sweaty, and angry looking, and in response says he is mad at the co-pres of the board. I intuit there is more and he ends up telling me by writing that he has been having nightmares about the boy who strangled him 4 years ago. He describes the boy finding him in a dark alley and throwing knives into his chest, the boy laughs and leaves him to die. Is this PTSD?

Is this just normal bad kid dreams? I used to dream I was Anne Frank, and in the camp where she died.

 

Is he playing the victim to get out of the discipline I gave for taking my rent money? Or was that a cry for help due to the nightmares? I don't know yet. I do co-counseling techniques with him, but have lost my connections to the co-counseling community. Maybe I should re-connect.

 

Would you also put him in licensed therapy? Give the principal access? Stay in the school where he is now the grade level of the boy who strangled him? Go back and finish the 5th grade next year? Pull him out and try to find a bonus kid position for the days I am at work/school myself? I just dont know exactly what to do, and I have only you wonderful ladies to ask, no other family. Please give me some suggestions, ask questions, give your reasoning, etc...

 

Thank you in advance.

[JudoMom]

Why are they asking you to sign this agreement?

[Chocolate Lover]

Judomom,

 

That is a great question.

 

I think they are uncomfortable with who I am, as a single-mom, a mom who wants to know and be involved in the academic side of DS's education. I don't fit in their stereotype of a single mom who is helpless, doesn't know about education, and doesn't have the time to care. There has always been a barrier, because they feel that since they all have Master's or more in education and I am only the mother, they don't have to talk to me regarding the methods or the approaches being used in his education there. I have always tried to be helpful by explaining what we use at home and why. Also, occasionally, when they had a child with a learning problem they couldn't solve they would ask me for another suggestion, and I have suggested WTM reco'd materials, which were not in sync with the schools's ed philosophies but did work for the child.

 

The first several years in the school we received a 100% scholarship for his tuition, and I was required to volunteer at the school 1 day per week, which I did primarily in the library. That worked out well for me because I learned what was there, that we could check out and use for our HSing, and also, I learned a lot about children's books from both the US and Israel. This year I am paying about 20% of the year's full price tuition, and don't have to volunteer as part of the fees. I do as much as I can, which isn't much in these last two semesters of nursing school.

 

I advocate for my child, which I see as my job as his mother. I think they see it as me being a pest, and they are trying to control me and my influence/control in his life. I see this as part of how teachers are trained in the US - that they should have more influence in the child's life than the parents. But that parents should pay for everything, and that turns kids into 'gimme, gimme monsters' in their families because parents are for providing 'things' only. That is not the kind of parent I am or want to be.

 

So this leads me to the fact that we are the poorest family or second poorest family in the school, and the vast majority of families are big time professionals. There are many unspoken of class issues in this group of families, and in the Jewish community as a whole. We are the only family with no extended family to call on for resources.

 

I think the co-president who spoke to me feels he must control my parenting. He is a big whig at the private middle/high school many of this school's graduates strive to attend, a nationally ranked prep school. He has never really spoken to me before even in the hall picking kiddos up at the end of the day. I can only surmise he thinks I am an idiot as a parent.

 

So, take your pick as to why they are insisting on this. It is an extremely complex situation, and I feel as though I don't have all that many options. I haven't really asked around the local HS community to find a bonus kid position, yet. I will be doing that.

 

I am also, now extremely concerned for DS. We just lost our house last fall, and he had a pretty big grieving process for moving out of the house I gave birth to him in, in the bedroom. How resilient are these little people we are responsible for? And how much can we ask them to adjust to?

 

Sorry for the long posts, it is just a big situation.

[JudoMom]

:grouphug:

 

I think I would lean toward pulling him out as soon as I could. Have you talked to him about what he would like? How many days/week are you in school? Are there any other schooling options?

[Dmmetler]

Another thought is that a lot of private schools are really hurting financially now. If they believe that they can have a student who pays full-fare to take your son's spot, it is in their best interest to push your son out of school. It just doesn't sound like your child is the sort who needs an in-depth plan to stay in school.

[RanchGirl]

What reason did they give you for the agreement request? The only thing you mentioned is that he is buying overpriced things from his classmates? This doesn't make sense. I can't imagine that they would ask you to have him see a psychologist if there weren't serious behavior issues going on?

 

Regardless, the short answer is, no way no how would I sign away access to my child's confidential medical records. However, if you see value in this school experience for your child, perhaps you could negotiate something else if you had clarity on what the actual problem is.

[Chocolate Lover]

Judomom,

 

Thank you for the hug. I appreciate it.

 

Yes, I have told him about the situation. Yesterday his preference was to continue at the school until the deadline, which is the same date as my nursing school graduation pinning ceremony, May 1. That is only about three weeks before the end of his school year. If he is taken out then we have done almost all the work and driving, but receive no grade for the end of the year(my concern). He doesn't want to see a therapist/counselor is what he said in a terrified way. That is when I pursued to find out what was causing the terror, and it turned out to be the nightmares.

 

I am hoping to get a parttime job that is two days a week, eight hours a day. My tenative plan is to go to school two days a week and take three classes that meet on the same two days. If I can do that schedule, I can finish my remaining 9 bachelors level pre-requesites in three semesters. I may have to do only 2 classes each semester, due to time constraints, availability of class openings, or most importantly DS's needs.

 

There are other private schools, none of them Jewish in the whole state. The other private schools I know about are not as skill level flexible as the one we are in now. The local public elementary is supposed to be good. Many of the kids are children of proffessors at the University. We are living in a working class family neighborhood next to the wealthy proffessor neighborhood. There are many homeschool groups in the city, and a Christian homeschool annual conference coming up in April. Oh, and the public school district has a Family School which is half-day class with their teacher, and then mom should pick up and teach homeschool half day which does include the school's agenda and mom's agenda, but I believe there is a long waiting list to get in. I believe to pull him out this minute I must either quit nursing school to be with him, put him in public school, or find a homeschooler who will take him the hours I can't be with him as a bonus kid that I pay. Is that how a bonus child situation works?

 

dmmetler,

 

That financial approach is not something I had really thought of considering as it is a religious school, and giving charity is a huge part of Judaism. Could they really be that immoral and unethical? I suppose it is possible, although there is not a waiting list for his classroom. The school would find a way to add another child, they want to grow. That is what they say anyhow.

 

Thank you both for your thought provoking questions and responses.

[EmilyK]

First of all, I'm sorry to hear this and echo the hugs.

 

Just to chime in on one of the (perhaps more minor) points:

 

I know many/most private schools, no matter how sweet, reserve the right (and use it) to exclude/not invite kids back. In particular, and I know this is hurtful, I know schools decide that certain kids or parents take a disproportionate amount of time and decide not to invite for next year on that basis.

 

I also know that most schools can not afford to admit on a needs-blind basis. I'm on the board of a school that has more scholarships than most and we still can't admit or keep everyone who would apply and qualify for a scholarship.

 

I don't feel I have enough info to comment on the rest, but I also have always found therapy helpful if you can find some you can afford.

:grouphug:

[coffeefreak]

Hey Chocolate Lover!

 

Do you think you are the victim of the other parents? That's just a thought I had while thinking about your story. In every circle, it comes down to this kid said this, the other kid said this, who do the leaders believe? It makes me wonder if some parents have complained about your child and this is the issue. Unfortunately, our local school system runs on a "blame system." There's always a kid that is pegged as a "bad kid" by the other kids to get out of trouble, and the people in charge tend to run with the majority. I have a good friend that had that problem with one of the local public schools. Her son was playing a game of tag and the girl he tagged, slipped on the rocks and broke her arm. After that, it was all over. He was a "problem," a menace, too aggressive, needed special ed etc, etc, etc. She pulled him out and he's in a GREAT charter school now (we have a lot of those here:001_smile:). No discipline issues, no daily calls from the school, no more meetings with her and the principal.

 

Since your son's school is private, the parents kind of run the show. When you filed the complaint about the other boy, I wonder what the other boy's parents said, especially since the school decided not to keep your son separated from him. It's all speculation, of course, but it just doesn't make sense to me that the school has nothing of note on your son, but they're demanding counseling. It seems like there must be some complaints or discipline issues they're not telling you about and they're trying to make it seem like they're taking action.

 

Just a thought! Sorry this is so stressful!

:grouphug:

Dorinda

[MBM]

IMO, your son still feels traumatized about the strangling incident. He was very young and vulnerable when this happened. To add further insult to injury, the school did not live up to THEIR promise. What a horrible ordeal for your son to go through at such a tender age. I would just try to reassure him at this point.

 

I don't understand why the parent who found the $100 bill didn't just call you about it. From what I can gather, it sounds like your son is imitating what is being done in the classroom. Might he have used the $100 to impress his classmates? Perhaps he senses that the other kids are better off and this is his way of attempting to be more like them?

 

I would absolutely not allow access to my child's therapy sessions. I believe a therapist might have problems allowing access as well. Who exactly will have access? How can you be assured others won't? Is the school reviewer qualified to make conclusions and suggestions from the information? Most importantly, do you think they have your child's best interests at heart? Frankly, I wonder if they might use it against you and your son. However, if you really want to keep your son in this school to avoid disruption, you could perhaps offer to have your son's therapist speak with a qualified individual at the school with the intention of helping your son.

 

As for therapy, I would consider it for two reasons: 1) your son is still having nightmares about the strangling incident and 2) your recent move which he is still grieving (not unusual). I think he could benefit by having a safe, caring sounding board other than you who can also make suggestions you might not have considered. If you are divorced, that might be a third reason. A resource I heartily recommend is Martin Seligman's book, The Optimistic Child: A Proven Program to Safeguard Children Against Depression and Build Lifelong Resilience, in which he explains how to help children develop a self-explanatory style that can help them develop a positive, hopeful perception of their situations in life.

 

It may be that some people at the school have been rubbed the wrong way because you are assertive and maybe opinionated(?) about your son's education. I have found that as much as I'd like to control things in the classroom, some see it as meddlesome which is why I rarely suggest changing what the school is doing. We keep our after school activities to ourselves. However you decide to go about it, just tip-toe carefully and work with those who seem receptive to it.

 

It sounds like you have a very bright, sensitive, little boy. Kudos to you for caring so much about him. As he gets older and learns to assert himself, it should get easier. It did for me.

 

Good luck! :grouphug:

Edited March 15, 2010 by MBM
added a link

[iluvmy4blessings]

I am a single mom so I do understand your dilemma. It is tough but it can be done. If you are finishing up your nursing degree in May then I think you will have many opportunities for a flexible job schedule. Nursing is an excellent career for single moms. Plenty of jobs at different shifts and good pay so that is terrific. Perhaps you could hire someone to babysit for you when you were at work and just homeschool him full time. If at all possible, this is what I would do. I used to work in a private school and I am all too familiar with the hierarchy and how this pans out for those who don't "fit in". As someone previously mentioned, the fact that the school chose to not expel a boy who strangled your son is very telling. Yet they want to expel your son for bringing in money? Strange . I probably don't have enough info to really acertain the full scenario but from what I have heard so far it sounds like a bad situation. Your child may have been trying to buy friendship or acceptance by bringing that money, especially if he is surrounded by affluent students . I had a student one year who was handing out 20 dollar bills to people walking down the hallway because she felt like it. She handed out about 200 dollars in total that day and for no reason other than to gain acceptance. Once your child is "labeled" by administration and other students it becomes a downward slide which they can rarely get out from under. I think it sounds imperative that you either homeschool him or find another school where he can start fresh. As to the records/grade for the year, I would not worry about it. As someone mentioned, it is the highschool where that counts. Good luck to you!

[Smithie]

You might try writing the board a letter saying that you aren't going to give them any psychiatric records, but that you won't be enrolling your son for next year and you just want to finish out the year.

 

For whatever reason, they don't want your child. The last thing in the world you want to do is drop him off every day with a bunch of adults who'd rather not have him around. He's better off with a sitter, or in public school where at least he won't be known to all the other kids and parents as an undesirable element.

 

With no family in the area and a nursing degree under your belt... Aliyah? Maybe a year or two of homeschooling/babysitter while you and he both work toward that goal, or towards some other big transition that will land you in a larger and more diverse Jewish community?

[Reya]

None of this says why the parent-teacher conference was called in the first place and what concerns were expressed. We've heard your concerns, but not theirs. It was called because he gave two friends too much money? That's it? And because he gave them money, the administration thinks he need counseling? This isn't tracking for me.

 

And no, I wouldn't make a school force my child into therapy, nor would I give them my kid's records.

[asta]

OK, I really need some help in this situation. We homeschool after school. As a single mom I have needed childcare in order to go to community college and work on my education - this semester I will finish my Associate's of Science in Nursing and qualify to take the RN licensure exam. DS is now 9 1/2 years old.

 

I put him in a small, private, Jewish school starting in kindergarten. We always homeschooled evenings, weekends, and vacations. He is in 4th and won the spelling bees in both 3rd and 4th grades, is in the 7th grade spelling group and is bored, "It's too easy," he says. He is in a math group that is 5th grade level, the music teacher says he has perfect pitch, the art teacher is totally happy with his work and co-operation. The Jewish studies, Torah, and Hebrew teachers are happy with his skill and sensitivity. The PE teacher compliments him on his abilities.

 

Some more background: On the winter break of his kinder year he told me he was strangled by a 4th grade boy who was in a martial arts program. I immediately informed the principal, who although the school had a zero tolerance policy for violence, did not expel the boy, but came up with a plan where the two would not be in the same room together. This was not always enforced. Several times when I came to pick up DS from the aftercare room, they were both in the room together with other children and the one adult supervisor. The boy stayed in the school until graduation at the end of 5th. That means for the rest of DS's kinder year and all of 1st grade DS was scared at school. I didn't realize it at the time.

A few weeks ago I found out DS had taken half a months rent money out of my hiding place in my bedroom. He had given the money to two of his friends at school, to purchase various things that were not worth the amount he was paying. This came to light during the parent-teacher conference when one of the parents interrupted saying his son had this $100 bill in his pocket, and that my DS had given it to him. This involved the kids in his class and the money oriented reward system the teacher created in the classroom. I came up with several discipline methods for such a potentially disasterous infraction, one of which was no recess at school for a period of time. The school balked, I got talked into making it shorter.

 

Then Friday the Co-President of the Board gave me a letter with 5 requirements for me to follow to keep my son in the school, where I must sign the letter of agreement by May 1, my graduation day, and only about 3 weeks before the end of the schoolyear for DS. They are threatening to disenroll him if I don't follow them. That would mean he wouldn't get a final grade for the year. One is requiring that I put him in therapy, and give the principal access to his private therapy information. I believe this is a violation of his HIPPA privacy rights.

 

So, I am not wanting to do this, and am trying to figure out what my options are for full time hsing him, and yesterday talking to DS about this whole situation. He was very sad, so I was asking him about his feelings. He is a very "feeling" type of boy which I encourage because feelings are part of being a complete human being. Then he starts getting red, sweaty, and angry looking, and in response says he is mad at the co-pres of the board. I intuit there is more and he ends up telling me by writing that he has been having nightmares about the boy who strangled him 4 years ago. He describes the boy finding him in a dark alley and throwing knives into his chest, the boy laughs and leaves him to die. Is this PTSD?

Is this just normal bad kid dreams? I used to dream I was Anne Frank, and in the camp where she died.

 

Is he playing the victim to get out of the discipline I gave for taking my rent money? Or was that a cry for help due to the nightmares? I don't know yet. I do co-counseling techniques with him, but have lost my connections to the co-counseling community. Maybe I should re-connect.

 

Would you also put him in licensed therapy? Give the principal access? Stay in the school where he is now the grade level of the boy who strangled him? Go back and finish the 5th grade next year? Pull him out and try to find a bonus kid position for the days I am at work/school myself? I just dont know exactly what to do, and I have only you wonderful ladies to ask, no other family. Please give me some suggestions, ask questions, give your reasoning, etc...

 

Thank you in advance.

 

Has it occurred to you that this may have been the modern equivalent of "give me your milk money or I'll beat you up"?

 

If most of the parents of these kids are wealthy, I'm willing to bet that many of them aren't paying too much attention to their children's small electronics and or pocket money (yes, I know that is a gross generalization, but I was a poor kid at a VERY wealthy high school, so I saw this type of behavior).

 

I just had to do HIPPA training. Your son's school is not allowed, under ANY circumstances, to view his psych records. Psych records are protected even more fiercely than "normal" records.

 

 

a

 

PS - What on god's green earth was another parent doing at YOUR parent teacher conference?

[LND1218]

Has it occurred to you that this may have been the modern equivalent of "give me your milk money or I'll beat you up"?

 

If most of the parents of these kids are wealthy, I'm willing to bet that many of them aren't paying too much attention to their children's small electronics and or pocket money (yes, I know that is a gross generalization, but I was a poor kid at a VERY wealthy high school, so I saw this type of behavior).

 

I just had to do HIPPA training. Your son's school is not allowed, under ANY circumstances, to view his psych records. Psych records are protected even more fiercely than "normal" records.

 

 

a

 

PS - What on god's green earth was another parent doing at YOUR parent teacher conference?

:iagree:

 

Exactly what I was thinking about the $. I agree about the HIPPA and have the same question about the conference.

[Giraffe]

:iagree:

 

Exactly what I was thinking about the $. I agree about the HIPPA and have the same question about the conference.

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

 

Sounds like you were ganged up on at the conference and your son is getting ganged up on at school. If you want to keep him in that school until the end of the year, I would do it carefully. I don't like the vibe I'm getting from this place. I would definitely do something else next year.

[kalanamak]

 

Yes, I have told him about the situation. Yesterday his preference was to continue at the school until the deadline, which is the same date as my nursing school graduation pinning ceremony, May 1. That is only about three weeks before the end of his school year. If he is taken out then we have done almost all the work and driving, but receive no grade for the end of the year(my concern).

 

A decent counselor will not have gleaned very much in 3 weeks. I say, to keep the grade (credit), go see a counselor....take the lastest appointment available...insist on a good one, and you may have a 3 week wait, at the least. What can a counselor (an honorable one) tell the principal in 3 weeks...Uh, the kid seems a little nervous, like 99% of my clients, he's bright [they know that already], he has nightmares about being strangled, and he loves his mum.

 

I'd I would finish the year. 3 weeks is 3 weeks. Then you have the summer to look at your options. If you have no family in the area, are you relocating for work?:grouphug::grouphug:

HTH.

[Greeny]

Are you on the different message boards? Because I know I have read this all before quite awhile ago... I am surprised this has yet to be resolved. :confused: