Helping teens to get organized: I need advice!

[LBC]

I'm really struggling to find ways to help my 16 year old daughter to stay on top of the responsibilities in her life. Because I'm fairly organized, I have tended to manage my kids' schedules, but as they mature, my goal is that they learn how to manage their own lives. I've tried to teach dd to use tools that work well for me, like lists and planners, but the truth is, she and I are wired very differently. I'm very linear, and crave structure. She's very creative, and tends to work best without a lot of structure. I've been trying to keep my nose out of her business, and let her figure things out. The problem is, she isn't using her time well, and her grades are starting to suffer. She is taking math, science, and two electives at the local public school, and her other subjects are at home. She has decided that she wants to focus on music teaching (voice & choral) as her career, and should be practicing piano every day in order to be accepted into the music program she's chosen. She "forgets" to practice piano all. the. time. I've made a list of all the things she needs to complete each week in English and history, and she doesn't rely on it, but rather keeps "forgetting" to do things. I'm ready to strangle her. I don't want to run her life anymore, but I'm not seeing her do a very good job of running it on her own. She's a wonderful girl. She's easy to get along with, kind to her siblings, helpful when asked, and generally a great kid. She really wants to improve her organizational skills, but I'm not sure how to get her there. Life was so much simpler when she was younger. :tongue_smilie:

 

To summarize: if you don't need as much structure as some, how do you manage your lives well? Or, if you're more structured, but have a teen who isn't, how have you managed to teach your teen the necessary skills? What tools have you used? What systems have been helpful?

 

I hope this makes sense. I feel as though my thoughts are all over the place. I didn't get much sleep last night because I was stressing out about this problem.:glare:

 

Lori

Edited January 12, 2010 by LBC

[Cedarmom]

I don't have any real answers, since I'm right there with you. I did tell my son that he had to write out a list of the things he needed to do. He could do it in any way he thought would help him, but he had to have a list. Of course the list doesn't help if you never look at it.:tongue_smilie: I think the biggest and hardest is to let them make mistakes. I guided my son somewhat (requiring a list) but I can't make him check it freuquently and it is up to him to do the things ne needs to do. In your case, if your daughter doesn't practice piano she may not get into the school of her choice. That is really tough. And, of course, you want her to succeed. But ultimately it is her choice. I tell my son I am here to help him succeed, but it is really up to him.

[newbie]

My youngest is not a list maker or schedule follower. Although I do have her make a weekly list from her syllabus and cross off tasks daily.

 

There is a cool weekly calendar at Brookstone, that is like an etch a sketch, you write your weekly stuff and than erase like etch a sketch. http://www.brookstone.com/home-office-desk-accessories_ecopad-paperless-notepad-with-clock.html?bkiid=categoryLandingPage_Home_Home_Office|C4CategoryProdList1FDT|8219649

 

The other kid I bought huge PB Teen boards for writing and pinning things.

 

Perhaps cool organizer tools for room, they are expensive, but this puts them in control of tools used.

Edited January 12, 2010 by newbie

[Murphy101]

Anxiously wanting insight too.

 

I am very schedule, organized, task oriented.

 

I have given step by step instructions. Check lists. Consequences.

 

Wrt letting them fail or make mistakes - that just does not work for us. So he gets an f on assignments or exams, misses deadlines or events or isn't prepared? Then what? This seems like a waste of time if they can't or won't correct the problem. Not to mention the price for not learning the material - which is the entire goal or teaching a subject.

 

We are having a tremendously frustrating time right now with not following instructions, working in a timely manner, and generally getting in gear.

 

I am so frustrated and tired of banging my head on this same wall with this son of mine. :crying::banghead::leaving:

[Anne in CA]

I am just like your daughter in many ways. I got lucky and had my "revelation" when I was 22. I was at work in a large cocktail lounge and I realized how much work I was doing every night and how was it my simple little condo was such a mess? I realized that at the lounge I had an opening and a closing routine, so years before flylady, I developed those for my own home.

 

Later, doing mission work, I discovered that routine is how Asian teachers keep huge classes of preschoolers manageable.

 

If you go to flylady's website you should be able to get some ideas on how to get your daughter into a routine and she will really thank you for it once she gets that it's working. Good luck, no matter what you decide to do!

[yslek]

I'm like your dd, and still working on organization/time management at age 31. :tongue_smilie: FlyLady has helped some (e.g. setting the timer for 15 min. and doing something) but I could never get into the routines. I highly recommend one of these books (both by the same author):

 

http://www.amazon.com/Organizing-Your-Brain-Type-Solution/dp/0312339771/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1263327740&sr=8-1

http://www.amazon.com/Every-Child-Thinking-Style-Preferences/dp/B000JMK8WE/ref=pd_sim_b_3

 

I have read many, many books on organization, and this is so far the only one that has managed to capture my issues. I'm still very much a work in progress (largely due to pregnancy & long-term fatigue issues) but have been able to put some things into place that actually work for me. (For example, by placing a bin by the front door where I tend to dump stuff anyway, I've contained the mess & it doesn't look so bad.)

 

HTH

[outtamyshell]

It all depends on the kid. Some kids just need a little guidance and discipline, but for others the organization lesson takes a lifetime and the sooner the lessons start the better.

 

There are two schools of thought. You can let them be responsible (or not) and face the consequences, or you can stay involved in the 'organizing' side of their life and 'help' them remember what they need to do. I really struggled with which camp to join. I want DD to learn to take care of her stuff, but do I really want her to math and RETAKE it as a result? DD was bored stiff in middle school, but almost failed each year because of organizational issues.

 

I decided to commit myself to teaching my daughter how to get organized and add structure to her life. After talking to a Special Ed teacher friend of mine about what she did with her daughter, I figured out I wasn't alone. Some kids just need the extra help. This friend's daughter really needed hand-holding on organization almost through the end of high school. She was prepared to go to college and get through that level on her own, but learning to be organized took many years.

 

With my dauther it wasn't just a bad attitude or irresponsibility, she simply had no executive function. At 12, if she saw a messy room she didn't even know how to break the job into manageable pieces enough to clean it. She would just stare at it overwhelmed. I've seen 3 year olds with better executive function.

 

I've spent many hours trying to teach her how to break a job down into smaller pieces and how to organize her time/space. She's getting better, but I'm still horrified at how her college notebooks look at the end of the semester. She does best with daily notebook checks and goal reviews. If I were disciplined enough we would have done that instead of what we did. I tended to let it go for too long and then had a fit when I discovered how bad things have gotten. She comes by her ADD naturally.

 

Our current science tutor spent several years in the public schools. She was always the teacher called on to help 'that' kid clean out their locker and notebooks. She has ADD and struggled until college as well. Now I'm confident that with time and brain maturity DD will figure it all out. She's made lots of progress in the last year.

 

Good luck.

[LBC]

I am just like your daughter in many ways. I got lucky and had my "revelation" when I was 22. I was at work in a large cocktail lounge and I realized how much work I was doing every night and how was it my simple little condo was such a mess? I realized that at the lounge I had an opening and a closing routine, so years before flylady, I developed those for my own home.

 

Later, doing mission work, I discovered that routine is how Asian teachers keep huge classes of preschoolers manageable.

 

If you go to flylady's website you should be able to get some ideas on how to get your daughter into a routine and she will really thank you for it once she gets that it's working. Good luck, no matter what you decide to do!

 

Thanks. I'll take a look at Flylady's website. I have tried to implement some of her routines, but found that it wasn't a good fit for me. Maybe that's a good sign that it will be a good fit for dd.:D

 

Lori

[Peela]

Doea she have her own desk area? My rather disorganised and chaotic happy go lucky sweet natured dd15 has a desk with a computer on it, all her school stuff, and a calendar with huge squares facing her. She writes everything ont he calendar.

She is slowly working it out for herself.

I was terribly unorganised until I found Flylady. It did help me. I was in my mid 30s though! But I do think my kids have benefited from my change in attitude (as in, I stopped blaming them for being messy and worked on my own mess, and helped them with theirs).

What about teaching her to write a daily or weekly to do list? For things other than school?

My dd15 actually plays piano every day without being nagged...I actually find that strange and i have to remind my son all the time to do his practice. However I got through piano lessons and up to a good grade by not practicing very much.

I dont think there is a clear cut answer...or at least I havent found it. Its a work in progress. My dd also wants to be more organised, and that seems to be some motivation- just not enough. I have had to remind her a fair bit to finish reading a book these summer holidays because she is doing an online writing course in U.S. time- holidays here..and she needed to finish it by Monday. She did it, and she wanted to do it, but she couldnt summon trhe motivation all on her own, when we have beach weather and a lazy summer energy happening here. I had to remind her- well nag her- every day, to the point of not letting her visit friends till it was done. But now she is into the course, I don't have to remind her.

I tihnk we often expect too much of our teens in some ways..and perhaps not enough in others. They are just learning to be adults. I was never born organised...my dd is ahead of where I was at, but then, she has my experience to build on. My mum never tried to help me at all.

[SonshineLearner]

There's a dvd course from The Teaching Company that I purchased and plan to have my daughter watch before next year. It's not too expensive... and maybe you library has it:-) (Superstar Study Skills or something???)

 

:-)

[houseofrabbits]

If you are trying to hand over every organizational aspect of her day to her it might be a tad overwhelming. Try handing off small pieces at a time even over the course of a month and within a year she will have increased her share of what she is responsible for and it will be a habit. Sit down and talk about what she needs to do and ask her to pick where she'd like to start. I managed a group of salespeople at one point and the more creative the person the less administrivia they enjoy.

 

HTH,

 

Liz

[Frontier Mom]

Well, believe it or not, Workboxes have been an answer for prayer for me. We started them after the New Year and I can tell you, it has been incredible. I don't do mine exactly like Sue Patrick suggests but here is what I do:

 

I print out a weekly form for all lessons, in order of the items in their drawers.

I put any notes I might need on their desk or on the planner itself like: basketball - I need to leave house at 4.

 

I was very skeptical at first because I thought it might be too babyish but I didn't set mine up to look young. We looked for four days for his Science notebook before the break but, hurray, it is in the drawer with the textbook every single day.

 

I posted pictures at my blog for FCA in my siggy if you want to take a look. Basically, that is just one area we don't have to stress and argue about every day because I cannot stand the disorganization.

 

Another things we do is chore wars. Though it hasn't solved all our problems, it has helped. We give out things like gift certificates to the highest point winner, no school on Friday, dessert for dinner, etc. to make it "worth it" to my older dc's.

 

I've tried what works for me but the Workbox visual representation of each subject is like magic here.