About beoming a foster parent

[lilbean05]

For a very long time, I have felt moved to adopt a child. Currently, I have 3 children, ages 4, 2, and 2 months and we have talked a lot about adopting in a few years from now, but have just started entertaining the idea of fostering.

 

I have always had a fear of fostering a child, for a variety of reasons:

 

my attachment to the child

the emotional impact it will have on my children to have other kids in and out of the house

the safety of my children

 

I am also not sure how to go about integrating (or not!) the child into our household routine. Does the child go to church with us? Homeschool with us?

 

My initial intent is to only foster children who are the age of my oldest or younger, so homeschooling isn't really an issue at this point, but what about later?

 

Has anyone fostered children? What are your experiences? Did any of you grow up with foster children in your house? What did it feel like to have the kids in and out of your house?

 

Thank you so much for helping me wade through some of the tougher points of this decision.

 

Heidi

[katemary63]

I have not fostered, but I will say that I doubt you would be legally allowed to homeschool fostered kids. I do think it is fine to homeschool your own and foster a child who goes to public school.

[jujsky]

I haven't fostered, but I do know that you are not allowed to homeschool a foster child. Even if you are doing foster-adopt you can't homeschool until you have legally adopted the child.

[CalicoKat]

For a very long time, I have felt moved to adopt a child. Currently, I have 3 children, ages 4, 2, and 2 months and we have talked a lot about adopting in a few years from now, but have just started entertaining the idea of fostering.

 

I have always had a fear of fostering a child, for a variety of reasons:

 

my attachment to the child

the emotional impact it will have on my children to have other kids in and out of the house

the safety of my children Only taking placements of children younger than your youngest is a good way to protect your kids. They'll always be older and hopefully more of a leader than a follower.

 

The other concerns you have are valid. Initially after we finished our training we'd decided NEVER to foster. Ten years later we've fostered and adopted our foster children and feel positive about doing it again if we're asked.

 

I say do the training. Learn all you can. Ask your questions. Express your concerns. Your licensing workers and trainers will help you muddle through it and give you thought provoking questions to help discern what to do.

 

I am also not sure how to go about integrating (or not!) the child into our household routine. Does the child go to church with us? Homeschool with us? Absolutely -- they're going to fold into your family and family routines, all except homeschool. You aren't allowed to homeschool foster children. We've only had infant placements so I'm not sure how this would feel. I've always thought if we arrived at school age before our son's adoption that we'd just do it and consider it a blessing for extra time with the big kids for a couple hours. He's being homeschooled now. :)

 

My initial intent is to only foster children who are the age of my oldest or younger, so homeschooling isn't really an issue at this point, but what about later? I'd modify this to olnly younger than your youngest.

 

Has anyone fostered children? What are your experiences? Did any of you grow up with foster children in your house? What did it feel like to have the kids in and out of your house? Two of our forever kids arrived via the foster care system to our home when they were babies. They're here, they're part of the family, and they 100% part of the life here as they've always been. The only difference between the foster and adoption was the change of name.

 

Thank you so much for helping me wade through some of the tougher points of this decision.

 

Heidi

:grouphug: I am cheering you on!

[ConnieB]

You should contact the local agency in your town....if they're like the ones around here they hold seminars to give you all the information you'll need before even making such a big decision.

 

And no, you can't homeschool them. I had a friend who was a certified teacher, still subbing in the public schools while homeschooling her son and they wouldn't let her homeschool the foster children. Afterschool tutoring, fine, but they had to attend public school. As someone else said, even if you're on the road for adoption they don't allow you to homeschool until the day after the adoption papers are finalized by the court....I know several families who have waited anxiously for that date and pulled them out the very morning after the courtdate.

 

Also, many states have minimum ages that YOUR children must be before you can foster.....because foster children tend to require more of your time they don't want you to have infants of your own, for example. Some have age requirements, like the foster child can't be older than your children (probably as much for safety reasons). All of these types of questions would be answered, and a million questions you don't even know you have yet, at the seminars.

 

Even though it may be a few years before you can foster, it might be wise to start learning the process now.....many of the things they look for or require take some families a bit of time to adjust to....if you knew about those ahead of time, you could start working on reaching that goal while your infant grows up a little more. There is a lot to be said for being prepared. :grouphug:

[TravelingChris]

I have known families with foster children who did homeschool. It is up to the state and depends how you are doing the schooling. They may very well have been in a public charter. THat said, your children are too young for you to foster. The youngest has to normally be past infancy since they don't want to burden you with too much. We fostered a little while before we had our first.

 

Other posters advice to find out all about is wise. WHen we took our classes, I was amazed by the attitudes of some taking it with us. Some were just after the money. We found that the money did help but we ended up spending more money on the girl than the state gave us. We could also tell that the last home she was in didn't follow that ideal. SHe cam from that placement with only the clothes on her and a few garments that were for a large grownup which meant they didn't fit me at the time let alone her.

[Miss Peregrine]

Yes, in our state you can homeschool if doing fost-adopt. It does need to be done through a public channel. The idea is that "they" want your child to live your whole family dynamic so they can adapt.

[newbie]

Coming from a family that fostered, I have a skewed perspective, being a child in this situation.

 

I was very young when my mother started fostering, I believe 4 and my sis was 2. The bad part, which I think someone else mentioned is these boys,two of them were much older. I believe that was the major fault.

 

My mom always fostered teenage boys. It was awful, she enjoyed, but we suffered. I think at the most at one time she has six boys. We had foster children up until the time I was sixteen and my stepfather threw them out, b/c he did not like the influence they brought into the house.

 

Not to say they are all bad, but we got the bottom of the barrel. From drug to psychos. I have seen it all. My mom on the other hand enjoyed immensely and still has contact w/some sons.

 

Just wanted to give you a lil heads up.

[lilbean05]

Thank you all so much for the wonderful information. I really enjoy hearing about your experiences and would love to hear more about how your children responded to having a foster child in the house. I do realize I have much to learn and will not replace the information I learn on here with what I can learn from talking to a social worker. Wise is the person who listens to the voice of experience!

[Elisabeth in IL]

I agree with CalicoKat that you should only foster children that are youner than your youngest. My parents a couple of children who were older but close in age to my younger brothers. It messed up my one brother for quite awhile while the other handled it much better. I think a lot of it has to do with the personality of your kids.

[Impish]

One suggestion I have is to visit this website:

http://forums.adoption.com/foster-care-adoption/

 

There are foster/adoptive parents from all over, who can give you their honest experiences, both positive and negative.

 

We've discussed fostering/adopting, and it will largely depend on several issues:

 

One, we're in a house of our own, with enough room for another child.

Two, that I can get approved. Since I have a chronic pain disability, and am on daily narcotics, have about 10-20 % use of my dominant hand/arm on a fantastic day, there is a strong chance we'd be laughed out of the office for even applying. :crying:

[Cathy in IL]

I hesitated answering - but you said you wanted to hear both the good and the bad.

 

I have been a foster mom for ten years. I have had wonderful experiences and heartbreaking ones. The biggest blessings of those ten years are my three children whom I adopted from foster care.

 

Here are some of the ugly parts of foster care. You will be told in training that you are a valued member of the team. In reality, many caseworkers and DCFS will want you to shut your mouth and close your eyes when poor decisions are made for a child. Foster parents are excluded from meetings when their opinion should be considered. You may see therapies and other things a child in your care needs and find you have to fight to get those needs met. When you advocate for a child or disagree with a bad decision, you will be labeled a troublemaker. Threats and retaliation are real. I am living this nighmare now, have experienced it before, and have seen many of my friends go through the very same thing. It is a terribly broken system.

 

Finding a good agency to work with does help, but the overall system is so messed up that it is difficult to help the children who are caught up in it.

 

Have you ever heard of Safe Families for Children? It is a new movement of people in many parts of the country who are opening their homes to children in crisis with no state involvement. If adoption is your ultimate goal, Safe Families is not the way to go. But if you want to care for kids who are likely to go back to their families, I would look into Safe Families.

[happyhomemaker25]

I was a fosterparent from 2004 til 2006. We had no biological children, we loved children, we had a big house, so we went for it. We fostered nine children in that time. In 2006 five of those children became ours forever. The other four were sent home throughout our journey and we hated hearing later that they were all back in care. If I could have gone and gotten all of them back I would have in a heartbeat.

It was challenging. Probably the most challenging thing I have ever done. But I loved the kids.

The caseworkers were always a shot in the dark. Some were great, some you wanted to strangle.

Becoming a fosterparent does mean opening your whole life up to the state.

I had a caseworker rushing to finsish her visits for the month show up at my house at 10pm to see my 18m old son. She just wanted to peek in his crib.

I had to let her in. Call the supervisor you say? Well, the supervisor was with her.

Thats just one example of the intrusiveness they will bring to your life.

But the whole experience was worth it to me! They are great kids. They need consistentcy and boundaries.

I think the no homeschool rule is crap personally. But that's my own opinion. I was one of the ones who went from courthouse to schoolboard the day my kids were adopted. We could not homeschool them here.

I was told it was because they had to be visible. Because you know homeschooling is about sequestering your children. :glare:

We did not have kids at the time, but if we were to do it again I would only take kids much younger than my youngest. I also don't know if I would do older kids again. My oldest daughter still carries so much baggage that I am still learning to deal with. It's a tough road.

I will say my one piece of advice to potential fosterparents is to have a sense of humor. Honestly, you will find yourself in situations were if you don't just laugh out loud you will go nutso!