WWYD - Severe Food Allergies, Relative, Food Gifts?

[rafiki]

.

[JoyfulMama]

... My concern isn't the gift, but that after all the struggles, long road we've traveled with serious multiple food allergies, it is either taken lightly or slipped their mind. WWYD?

I'd write a polite thank you and leave it at that.

Their intention was good. It was very kind of them to think of your dc.

I don't expect my relatives and/or friends to understand my dc's food allergies. They will take it lightly. It will slip their minds (hey - it's even slipped dh's mind!).

Take the love of the gift - I would even share the intention of the gift with my dc, and see what they would like to do with the gift - regift?

[prim*rose]

I also have severe food allergies and can't come in contact or even smell the offending foods, but I think their heart was in the right place. It's so hard for people without food allergies to understand. I'd send a nice thank you and throw the food away.

[Haiku]

Thank them and leave it at that. If they ask whether the food was enjoyed, say something like, "We really appreciated the thought, but due to ds's allergy to [whatever], he couldn't eat it."

 

Tara

[Wyndie]

Thank them and leave it at that. If they ask whether the food was enjoyed, say something like, "We really appreciated the thought, but due to ds's allergy to [whatever], he couldn't eat it."

 

Tara

 

This is exactly what we've done before. Just thank them and if they question further, remind them gently of why we couldn't really eat it. In our case, my husband will eat it all and we mention that so they know someone in our house enjoyed it.

 

IMO, someone who takes the time to make something, then ask if we enjoyed it, probably would want to be reminded so next year they can get a more appropraite gift.

[Denise in Florida]

I'd write a polite thank you and leave it at that.

Their intention was good. It was very kind of them to think of your dc.

I don't expect my relatives and/or friends to understand my dc's food allergies. They will take it lightly. It will slip their minds (hey - it's even slipped dh's mind!).

Take the love of the gift - I would even share the intention of the gift with my dc, and see what they would like to do with the gift - regift?

 

:iagree: This is lovely advice. One of my girls can't have wheat. A friend made fudge for her but packed it directly on top of the cookies for the rest of us. She meant well, I said, thank you. We ate everything and oldest daughter ate different treats we had in the house. We all slip sometimes. I gave my diabetic uncle peanut brittle one year. oops. I knew better, he was very gracious.

[Mom22ns]

We've been in this situation with so many well meaning friends and family members over the years. I would send a polite thank you. If the relative asks if the food was enjoyed or asked your children and find they never got it, then explain. We try not to embarrass people over their mistakes. Sometimes they embarrass themselves and we can't stop them!

 

One that stands out was when the pastor gave my ds and his best friend chocolate - from the pulpit (both ds and friend being allergic to milk). When the boys took it politely and just didn't eat it, he said, "don't worry about your parents, go ahead and eat it!" The boys 10 & 11 at the time (sitting together on the front row, not with parents) both looked at each other, the pastor, smiled, nodded politely and put the candy down beside them.

 

The pastor has known both boys all their lives and knows the allergies. He asked my son later that day if he ate the candy. My ds politely said, "No I can't I'm allergic." Both sets of parents were very proud of how the boys handled the situation. The pastor sent notes of apology to both families.

[rafiki]

.

[Jean in Newcastle]

It depends on how close a relative it is. If it is Great Aunt Mabel who only contacts you once a year with a gift, I would just thank her and forget about it. If it is Grandma who makes treats for the kids at other times of the year then I would thank her and gently remind her of the allergies.

[dangermom]

I'd write a polite thank you and leave it at that.

Their intention was good. It was very kind of them to think of your dc.

I don't expect my relatives and/or friends to understand my dc's food allergies. They will take it lightly. It will slip their minds.

 

This is what I would do. We've been getting a ton treat plates and nearly all of them contain nuts, which our 9yo is very allergic to. She's an awfully good sport about it. One friend of ours made fudge and set up a special nut-free plate just for her, with a clean knife and everything, which was so nice! But almost no one is going to realize they need to do that. That's OK, there's more than enough anyway.

[cara]

Maybe I'm a bit harsher then most here.

 

First of all I wouldn't accept any food gifts made in someone else's home. They would not even come into my house. DS is highly allergic to peanuts. I would tell the person thank you but we can't have it because of DS's allergy.

 

If it was someone that does this regularly, I think I would have to be a tad mean about it and tell them point blank that it is unacceptable as a gift.

[Wyndie]

I would want to know if I were the relative that gave the gift, but I was trying to get a feel for if others would be offended or feel bad if they were reminded and how to word it sincerely.

 

If I found out years later and had been doing this all along, I'd ask why they didn't tell me, YKWIM?

 

It can be touchy, but really, you have to be honest with people. You can do it in a laughing manner or a serious manner. The way you present it will drive the response of the other person. Some people will get their feelings hurt no matter how you say it but all you can do it kindly tell them. Like you, I would feel horrible if I gave food for YEARS that no one could eat and no one took the time to educate me.

 

One year, a friend of mine wanted really badly to make cookies that were safe for my whole family. They didn't succeed (she told me the ingredients as she handed them to me) so we accepted the baggies of cookies, gave many hugs and thanks to our friends, and the kids regifted to Daddy. Later I reminded them that most people can't cook for us and we need to see the love in the bag rather than the cookies. They did. They thanked their friends next time they saw them and gave them gifts of their own.

 

They understand the idea behind the gift and when my friend said something, I just said "you know those annoying allergies! But Tim & I enjoyed the cookies very much and the kids really do appreciate the thought behind it. They just love when people don't ignore them b/c of their allergies". (People do that all the time and that was why she wanted so badly to give them something) That was it. She felt a little bad but I addressed it with a laugh a hug and moved on, so she did too.

 

If you do it kindly and gently and the person still gets upset, you can't help that. If they don't want to be educated, well you can't help that either. The average person won't think to ask beyond the original gifting so you probably won't be faced with this problem too often anyway. :)

[TracyR]

I would give the gift to someone whom you may think might need/want/appreciate it. We've had to do that several times. My youngest has multiple food allergies and I don't expect family to completely understand what its like to live and deal with it. If you knew the gift was coming the best thing to do is go figure out who you want to send it to before the gift hits the door. That way you can take it , say thank you and run out the door to give it to someone else.

 

I agree with Jean. If its great Aunt Mabel who sees the kids once a year or not very often then just thank her for the gift and regift.

If its grandma who sees them all of the time , thank her then gently remind about the allergies (whether they want to hear about it or not.) I also find sometimes suggesting something that the kids REALLY enjoy is helpful too. Instead of this how about ...that? They really enjoy that more.

[joannqn]

Is there any chance she made it allergen free? My bff has multiple allergies and (before she was allergic to sugar and all substitutes) I use to make her jam and other things. I'm not suggesting you trust food from other people, but maybe the relative did try to accommodate them?

 

As someone who makes allergy free food for others on occasion, I always point out that it is free of their allergies. I would think that anyone making something specifically allergy free would say something.

 

Our neighbor has been bringing treats over, I take them and say, "Thank you. I'm sure the kids will enjoy them." This way, she is getting thanked and reminded that I can't comment about them directly since I can't have it.

[amyable]

It depends on how close a relative it is. If it is Great Aunt Mabel who only contacts you once a year with a gift, I would just thank her and forget about it. If it is Grandma who makes treats for the kids at other times of the year then I would thank her and gently remind her of the allergies.

 

:iagree:

 

This is what I was thinking at first.

 

But then I got to thinking - if your kids' allergies are that bad (as some of ours are) would you EVER accept food made in someone elses kitchen? Esp. someone who had proved in the past that allergies slipped their mind? Even if the ingredients sound fine, you never know when Aunt Mabels knife when into the peanut butter and then right into the jelly, which she then put in your candy (or whatever). So in that case, I probably would try to politely tell even a far off relative, one who would give a food gift every year - "Thanks so much! We really appreciate the love you showed us with the gift. The doctor recommends we don't give the kids anything made in others kitchens due to the severity of their allergies. But dh and I thought it was delicious, so it definitely didn't go to waste. Billy and Bobby are thrilled you remembered them." Or some such. :001_smile: I enjoy blaming the doctor on things like this. :lol:

[Mommyof4ks]

Thank them and leave it at that. If they ask whether the food was enjoyed, say something like, "We really appreciated the thought, but due to ds's allergy to [whatever], he couldn't eat it."

 

Tara

 

This is what I would do with most relatives. If you know that the relative will not get upset then perhaps tell them in person when they ask how the kids enjoyed the candy. It is hard to get a good feeling for the intentions of words in a letter KWIM.

[SW in IL]

It does depend on whether this is a relative who cooks (or makes treats) for your family often or if it's a once a year occurance.

 

DS is a type 1 diabetic... Holidays are extra hard on him because it's so easy to just grab something to nosh as he's walking by... Half the time he doesn't even realize it when he's doing it. But we can't ask people to keep all the food locked away to keep him from temptation.

 

Then there are the well-meaning folk who make or buy him sugar-free candies/cookies/snacks. Most of them have aspartame (Nutrasweet) in them with doesn't agree with DS.

 

In the end, I just remind DS that he needs to monitor what he eats and if it's one of the sugar-free foods with aspartame, I usually just throw it out or donate it to a food bank. If it's someone like a close family friend who we see about once a month, I thank them for thinking of DS and explain that he can't have stuff with aspartame in it. It took about 6 months of gentle reminders but they no longer buy him special treats... Instead they try to get him something that's low carb but that they know he'll like.

 

Sue

[cara]

:iagree:

 

This is what I was thinking at first.

 

But then I got to thinking - if your kids' allergies are that bad (as some of ours are) would you EVER accept food made in someone elses kitchen? Esp. someone who had proved in the past that allergies slipped their mind? Even if the ingredients sound fine, you never know when Aunt Mabels knife when into the peanut butter and then right into the jelly, which she then put in your candy (or whatever). So in that case, I probably would try to politely tell even a far off relative, one who would give a food gift every year - "Thanks so much! We really appreciate the love you showed us with the gift. The doctor recommends we don't give the kids anything made in others kitchens due to the severity of their allergies. But dh and I thought it was delicious, so it definitely didn't go to waste. Billy and Bobby are thrilled you remembered them." Or some such. :001_smile: I enjoy blaming the doctor on things like this. :lol:

 

We don't accept anything especially baked goods that is made in someone else's kitchen. It's too big of a risk. Like you said, I don't know if that person made someone with PB or accidentally cross contaminated the food. We would politely decline, unless you do it all the time and I may get a little snippy and mean, which I'm about to do with SIL because she just can't seem to get that DS has a rule that he isn't allowed to eat baked goods and candy made in someone else's kitchen.

 

If you do something like that on purpose like the Christmas another SIL put out peanuts next to the potato chips and other snack foods in the reach of my highly allergic 3 yr old at the time. Or at Easter when she put out PB brownies with a Buttefinger topping. Then I get a little mean about it and you get the momma bear.

 

It really depends on the person and the intent but I can and will get mean and sippy if it's a all the time thing.