Help- Parenting teens... need some basics

[BMW]

I am treading water these days with parenting.

 

My kids are usually pretty great and my biggest challenge is usually that they don't sleep much at night.

 

But, I have some problems brewing... and I tend to be relaxed as a parent and think that I could use some fortifications!!

 

#1 I have a 17yob whose best bud does dip into alcohol from time to time... part of his family culture, not ours... and not a "party" boy, but more of a "alcohol is around" guy... and my son is now more interested in "sips" which is not allowed at our home. Any ideas outside of "if there is any alcohol in the house, it is locked up when parents are gone"?

 

#2 I have a 15yog who is very interested in social life... and boys... she has broken some rules and been alone with a boy recently in a sneaky way... up until today she has had a laptop in her room... no cell phone, but she often takes our house phone into her room. Because of her transgression today, I have taken her cords to her laptop away and have unplugged the house phone (can't just take the phone away, she'll get another one... and besides, the other kids like taking the phones, too, so, I am just unplugging the house phones until I can trust everyone... not sure when that happens...).

 

Both teens in high school have not had their grades/homework checked up on... I fugure if they get below a C, I'll get involved... should I be more proactive??

 

I am thinking of coming up with a "contract" so to speak... with the basic rules...

 

No drinking alcoholic beverages at our home or anyone else's or at a social gathering until you are 21.

 

No inviting friends (of the opposite sex) into bedrooms and no friends may be invited over at any time without prior permission.

 

No cell phone calls or texting or internet priviledges until homework is complete.

 

No cell phone calls or texting after 11pm. That is quiet time to prepare for the next day.

 

The internet will be unplugged routinely at 9pm. All homework that would require computer use should be done prior to 9.

 

Phone calls for all residents of this address shall use the phone in the living room, unless prior arrangements have been made with the parent. (This would stop them from taking the phones into their rooms all the time, which is a bother because they lose their charges and get lost and all the kids are doing this now...)

 

***Do you have any other ideas that would go into this?? What about consequences? It is so much easier to deal with teaching little ones to take turns and play nice...

[Chris in VA]

Real quick--phrase everything in a positive way.

Get them involved in the contract making--and include your end of it, not just don't do this or this will happen.

Make sure you have clear reasons why--try to parent by relationship, not by control. You want them to obey your rules, not only because of the consequences you make up, but because they know you have their best interests in mind and it hurts you to see them hurt.

 

Make time to be with them in a way they choose--you can add that to the contract, too.

I'd include having them call you to ask permission when they are somewhere and are asked to leave that place (that you originally agreed on) and go somewhere else.

Set a curfew that's reasonable.

 

Just some quick ideas.

[SonshineLearner]

I'd let them sip... especially if it's part of the other kids culture.... I mean... just because a teen knows what it tastes like... doesn't mean they'll be an alcoholic. I actually think that if they can see that they don't like it... it won't be the "can't wait to get it" when the parents are gone... Just my couple of cents...

Carrie

[athena1277]

I don't have teens yet, but I did have one idea after reading your post. Get an "old school" phone with a cord. That way the phone is available if/when it is needed and it cannot go in anyone's room. Good luck with your teens, I'll be :bigear: as I know my time will come all too soon!

[LibraryLover]

I don't allow underage drinking by other teens in my home. It's illegal and I am not going to deal with that. My dh comes from a European 'sip' culture and I am fine with that for our own, but not w/other peopls' kids. If a kid leaves your home drunk, you are responsible. The end there.

 

My teen ds has a gf and we are not 100% comfortable with them alone in the house... The gf's mother and I have talked, and they are not alone there either. They don't drive, so one if us picks up/drops off when visiting and knows who is home. I have promised her this...and I have less of a problem with them being alone in the house than she does, frankly, although I would rather it be this way. I do let them go downstairs to watch movies or Play Guitar hero alone. She & I are fine with that and what's the difference ?, you might ask. I will answer 'probably nothing', except that it's pretty Grand Central Station in all parts of our home.

 

So far, if my children have been sneaky, I haven't known about it. I must be pretty dumb or they are really smart. So short of embedding a tracking device in their skulls, I need to trust everything is OK unless I see behavior or grades (my ds does go to high school) that might indicate otherwise.

 

Of course, I am ok with a lot of teen behaviors that might make others cringe...teen dating, for one. ;)

[Peela]

I am struggling a bit with teens at the moment also, around tv/computer time, going to bed time and other issues.

I dont know if we are handling it well but I can share what we are doing. My 14 yo seems to think we have ruined his holidays (we have just started our summer holidays and he seems to have figured he would get all the time he wanted to play computer games and watch tv). We first of all limited electronics to starting at 4pm in the afternoon, because we realised they were just going to get on in the morning and that woudl be it for the whole day. They dont seem to e able to set boundaries for themselves, certinaly not what we would consider healthy ones- so we seem to be having to set lots at the moment.

Then we found they wanted to stay up till 11 or 12pm or later, and they werent getting enough sleep because dh and I are morning people, both of us work from home, and it doesnt work to have teens sleep in till lunchtime and not do their chores etc till then. So, we decided to put a curfew on tv/computer at 8pm. It was also because neither kid spends time voluntarily outside, and both have stopped reading. It felt like time to stop the madness aorund electronics while we still can. They are not happy.

 

Dd15 has a bf. We love him and he absolutely adores her. We are ok with the relationship. However, the rule is, they can go into her bedroom IF they keep the door open. But we are also ok with them kissing on the couch and all that, so probably have different boundaries to most. I talk openly about sex and maturity etc and I am ok with how it is unfolding- dd is intelligent.

 

Dd's bf drinks alcohol. But dd is not allowed to go to parties etc where there is alcohol, yet. It's not our ideal, but we would rather he be open about it than that they become secretive. Dd however is not interested. Dh and I dont drink- dh not at all, for me I have a glass of wine maybe twice a year, and yes, teh kids have had a sip sometimes over the years, but its not regular. Its natural for tehm to be curious. By 17, I dont think I will be so strict. 18 is the legal age for drinking here....is it really 21 there?

 

I would prefer my kids not be secretive, so I try to pick my battles rather than push them away. But I seem to be having to be the mean parent, the one they hate, more and more lately. Its a work in progress and I dont claim to have any good answers. I know ideally the kids should be helping set their own boundaries, we shoudl be having discussions etc...but in reality, they seem to need external boundaries more than ever, and they fight against them more than ever.