Kate in Arabia Posted November 7, 2009 Share Posted November 7, 2009 So my boys were invited to a "party" today that was supposedly going to be a group of boys their ages; it turns out several were a year or two older (so, 13). I think there were 6-7 boys in total (not including my two). My oldest in particular had a hard time getting along with the group, I'm wondering if this could be a by-product of homeschooling or just his personality, kwim? So for example, although it was billed as a "pool party", my two kids got in the pool when we dropped them off but apparently none of the other boys ever got in. So my boys played together for a while then got out. Then they all went inside, they were playing a Play Station game and since it was 2-player they were taking turns. My oldest asks to play and they said you have to call dibs, so he said he wanted the next game. As I said they went in pairs, then when it was my son's turn the others all left to do something else. In general, my impression was that the older boys were just not on the same wavelength as my son. He's almost 12, a couple of them were already 12 and a few more were 13 I think. The others all had that sort of "too cool for school" manner that I've seen common among older kids but mine really don't -- maybe that's something they pick up in school? So my ds 11 felt kind of ignored and bored, but at the same time when they were all playing hide-and-seek later he said he didn't want to do that and left. So it isn't just that perhaps the boys could have been more inclusive, I think he also doesn't have the "group mentality" of going along with what the majority wants. Obviously this can be good, but it doesn't help much in this type of social setting, kwim? Maybe he's just not a group-sort-of-person, but he was kind of down about the whole thing at the end and I'm left wondering if it's just his personality or has homeschooling contributed. Because he is in a lot of activities, but they are all mostly structured and his playtime is usually with a smaller number of friends, not as a group. Just feeling kind of sad that he's sad, and wondering if there's anything I could/should do about it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TravelingChris Posted November 7, 2009 Share Posted November 7, 2009 Well I have three and have been homeschooling for 15 years. My oldest is an introvert boy but you usually did not have that much problem in loose social groups. Any issues got better as he grew older. He had a mix of structured and unstructered interaction since he lived on base housing for four year when he was younger (6-10) and had playground time with other kids. My next did too but she was even more intorverted and moved away from that area when she was 6 almost 7. SHe does not do well in informal groups in that she is basically an outsider. She would rather read. We keep trying to work with her and recently she did dance the Virginia Reel at a homeschool dance and did do one other activity there. About half the time she sat on the sidelines. Then there is my third who is an extrovert. She always makes friends and loves social time. The only one who was not homeschooled entirely was my oldest who did attend both pre-school and first grade. I really think that the main difference with how social my kids are is their innate personalities. I really don't think that putting my middle in school would have improved anything. She is very slowly improving and trying to rush it wouldn't do anything. The main improvement with her is that she is now old enough to know that it is a problem and she is working on it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Virginia Dawn Posted November 7, 2009 Share Posted November 7, 2009 I would say yes, your children are probably different than those children because they homeschool, but even more because of their upbringing/training. But I don't think that's a problem at all. Do you really want them to be able to mesh with their peers if those peers are lacking in common courtesy and display attitudes of superiority? True, it may find them lonely at times, but holding particular values usually do find us occasionally swimming alone as adults. It is not fun, but it is part of life. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melinda in VT Posted November 7, 2009 Share Posted November 7, 2009 I think for some kids in some situations, homeschooling can make socialization more difficult. I also agree with Chris that personality plays a big role in how social kids are and in how social they want to be. However, if your son is sad about his social interactions, I would start with the book The Unwritten Rules of Friendship. I found this book very useful in helping me break down my child's overall social interaction difficulties into specific issues we could work on. (For example, how to smoothly join an existing group on the playground or recognizing and respecting other kids' personal space.) I went from "my kid is an outsider and will never have friends" to feeling confident that I could help my kid by teaching specific skills. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kate in Arabia Posted November 7, 2009 Author Share Posted November 7, 2009 Thanks for your comments. I know its good he can go against the crowd when needed, but sometimes I think you need to be able to go along to get along (if it isn't an important issue, kwim). What I'm not sure of, is whether he was more sad that he didn't get to play what he wanted, or that the other boys weren't very engaged with him. FWIW, he does very well in organized activities, and in unorganized group activities like when he goes to a park -- he is outgoing and personable. However, I have noticed that he doesn't do as well with groups of kids his own age, it's always better when they're older or younger. (That really doesn't bode well for school, does it, lol.) I'm not really sure why that is. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted November 7, 2009 Share Posted November 7, 2009 Big Generalization here (just wanted to alert you to that!:D) but I have noticed that homeschooling kids tend to be more inclusive than many public schooled kids. (Notice the qualifiers?:D) Honestly, I wouldn't worry about it. Your son followed the social rules. He called dibs when told to do so. He wasn't a wallflower but asked to play. I think it was probably more a matter of these kids already having formed a clique (or the male equivalent of such) and your son wasn't in it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandamom Posted November 7, 2009 Share Posted November 7, 2009 I wonder if this has less to do with homeschooling and more to do with how much time the other boys spend with one another. How well does he know any of the kids or groups of kids? Does the group get together without him on a regular basis? Just throwing another thought out there. My public school kids tend not to do well with larger groups of kids because they don't regularly spend time with them in social situations. My kids tend to be shy (one is an introvert while the other is not) which makes it more challenging. Yes, they have friends at school and they do really well when one or two kids are together. If they get invited to a party with a larger group, invariably we'll find that the rest spend more time together on a regular basis, leaving my 2 as outsiders at times. Also, it isn't intentional for the other kids to leave my daughter out because as soon as the situation is explained there is always a heartfelt apology and they do better after that. Just thought I'd share my experience. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kate in Arabia Posted November 7, 2009 Author Share Posted November 7, 2009 He knew all of the kids but one; he sees them regularly in sports practices, but only a couple has he seen in a social situation, and those were one-on-one activities (like a movie outing, or coming over to our house, etc.), never as a group. I will have to check, but it could be they are all in the same school class I'm not 100% sure. I would have thought at least the one he has spent some time with individually would have been more interested in spending time with him, but apparently not! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted November 7, 2009 Share Posted November 7, 2009 I would have thought at least the one he has spent some time with individually would have been more interested in spending time with him, but apparently not! Yeah, I used to think that too. But the kids that used to be nice to me on Sundays and Wednesdays at church when I was a teen, were mean to me on the other days at school. It was cool to be my friend at church. It was uncool to be my friend at school. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
woolybear Posted November 7, 2009 Share Posted November 7, 2009 Well, it sounds like that group of boys has socialization problems, not your boys. It is sad for your kids, but I don't think they are the ones with the problem in that group. The others were not considerate or kind. I don't have any advice for you. If you are not around other homeschoolers this may not be easily solved. However, if those boys had perhaps some more guidance with social situations they might know better. That being said, perhaps there are others near you (not necessarily homeschoolers) who have a similiar parenting approach or are at least more close/involved with their kids? :grouphug: To you and your boys. Woolybear Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted November 7, 2009 Share Posted November 7, 2009 Big Generalization here (just wanted to alert you to that!:D) but I have noticed that homeschooling kids tend to be more inclusive than many public schooled kids. (Notice the qualifiers?:D) Honestly, I wouldn't worry about it. Your son followed the social rules. He called dibs when told to do so. He wasn't a wallflower but asked to play. I think it was probably more a matter of these kids already having formed a clique (or the male equivalent of such) and your son wasn't in it. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Osmosis Mom Posted November 7, 2009 Share Posted November 7, 2009 Sounds also to me like the problem is with everyone else, not your boys. Our kids tend to look through "boring"/superficial stuff and not be that interested when it comes down to it. I am not sure there is a cure for it unless you want your child to be main-stream and not too much of an individualist. Your ds tried to be social, but the others were exclusive. Their loss and their problem. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catherine Posted November 7, 2009 Share Posted November 7, 2009 I try to avoid those kinds of social situations with my younger kids. I think it teaches them the wrong things (like-you should stop being such a nice kid so you won't get your feelings hurt so often). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lgm Posted November 7, 2009 Share Posted November 7, 2009 Sounds like the bday boy needs some host training. I can't think of anything your boys could have done that would have helped. It really is not fun to be ignored by the host. I generally decline party invites where the parents have indicated that it's going to be playtime rather than a structured party, but we did have a similar scene at a bowling alley party. Still can't imagine how a six year old could be trained to pretend another kid on their lane doesn't exist, but we found out it happens, in spades. Sorry you had such a poor experience. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mom0012 Posted November 9, 2009 Share Posted November 9, 2009 I think it was probably more a matter of these kids already having formed a clique (or the male equivalent of such) and your son wasn't in it. :iagree: A couple of years ago, my son was invited to a party for a boy who he played with often and really got along well with. Well, there were a lot of boys that hung out together in this boy's neighborhood at this party and my son was totally and utterly out of the loop. It was just because these boys hung out all the time together and he was the outsider. I don't think it was a public school/homeschool thing at all. My son is pretty outgoing and usually makes friends wherever we go. Oh, it really tore at my heart to see him hurting that day! Lisa Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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