OT: Serious Question--Need Advice

[momtoboys]

I have a question for anyone to answer. I want honest opinions. I know, first of all, that I have done wrong in this situation. But i am not sure how to make things right. There are no excuses for myself and my actions.

 

My sister and I were fairly close growing up. We went through a lot together in our family. As adults with young children, we enjoyed talking and spending time together. We lived 5 minutes away for a couple of years, and got together all the time.

 

Then, we moved 2 hours away due to my husband's job. Due to finances (driving and toll costs--we are on a very limited budget, and I have to work from home to help pay our basic bills) and logistics of taking care of my own family and trying to adjust (which was very hard for me) to a new area, I didn't visit as much as I would have liked.

 

My sister was dx w/ Stage 3 b.cancer in May. At the time, I was both devastated, and attempting to be supportive. For the first few months I called her every day. I left my kids with a friend in the area after her surgeries, and drove up and visited two days a week for about four weeks. I brought/bought groceries a couple of these times.

As the summer went on, things changed a bit. I didn't know how to respond to what she was dealing with. I confess, that i was worried and scared, and my natural response was to pull back a little.

 

Also, we were struggling financially, and I couldn't honestly afford to be driving up as much as I had. Another issue became childcare. Although my friend verbally OFFERED to watch my kids, the truth is, she also constantly complained about how busy her family was, especially with her girls starting back to school. I felt guilty for leaving my kids with her alll day when i could not pay her. It became an issue where someone offers, but you know they kind of are glad when you don't take them up on it (if that makes sense).

 

I have continued to call my sister this entire time. She got very sick with Chemo and i felt like when i called, she didn't have much to say or would rather sleep, so i cut back on the calling. It was still several times per week.

 

So, now she is very mad at me because she says we haven't supported her. I have to admit first, that i can't even imagine what she's going through. I don't know exactly how to respond or deal with it. I do have some issues with the way things have gotten:

 

1. I feel like her husband is not doing all he could be doing (long story), but I kind of (STUPIDLY and wrongly) pointed that out and that made her more mad at me. (BTW, i have totally apologized for what I said, but she is still furious).

2. Logisistically, it is impossible for me to be there more than once or twice a month at the very most. There are some very legitimate reasons for this.

3. She doesn't understand that though my friend verbally offers to watch my kids, she is really busy most of the time. (Another misconception and confusion issue).

4. She lied about me on a message board, and said i rarely call her and never helped her at all. I mean, total, complete lies. Then of course, everyone on the board who has cancer thinks i'm a heartless cruel person.

5. She's mad at my husband for not calling her husband. My husband has never been close to her husband, and is not a phone person. He does feel awful, and had no idea that her husband wanted him to call. He wishes he would have known.

6. She says one thing, then another. She says "don't come", then "you didn't come". . etc. . .it's hard to know what she really wants. She constantly contradicts herself.

7. I admit i have totally been in the wrong in some ways, especially recently. But I have apologized. I would like to make up for it. I don't know what to do, because basically she is super angry and hates me now. She hates me for what I said about her husband, and for not "being supportive enough" in the last couple of months. I don't deny my wrong.

 

Like I said, I apologized, but she is not accepting it.

SIGH. I don't know what to do.

 

I really never wanted this for our relationship. I really wish I could take back things I said. I feel horrible now. I also was upset that she lied about me on a message board, and pointed out the inaccuracies (though I feel I did do that in a *NICER* way) to her. I just couldn't take lies being told about me, and then reading people who were calling me things like "heartless" (and worse), and telling her to dump me out of her life because i'm a complete jerk.

[momtoboys]

bump. . .desperately needing advice!

[Mommyof4ks]

First, sorry your sister has cancer and I hope she is doing well.

 

My son has cancer, so the situation is a bit different, but we know what it is like to have family and friends constantly there in the beginning and then pull back as time goes on. It is hard being isolated so much, and there is alot of anger about EVERYTHING. Why did this happen to me (my son), why do I (he) have to suffer, what will the future hold and so on. You are an easy target. Getting mad at the cancer won't change things, getting mad at dh may run off the one person who is there daily, getting mad at friends may run them off. She knows that you love her and will not leave her so that anger is taken out on you. Fact is there are other people in her life that live closer that could help her, so don't feel so guilty. Really, you can only do so much and you have to take care of yourself and your family. Chemo can cause serious mood issues too. Our sweet little boy is a monster on certain chemo meds.

 

It hurts, trust me, I hurt people during this journey too and have since apologized. The negative comments to her online group were uncalled for, and I don't know what to say about that. Just be there for her, but don't feel guilty that you cannot be there all the time.

 

:grouphug:

[Guest RecumbentHeart]

I really don't know what advice to give besides to remain humble (as you have obviously already humbled yourself by apologizing and trying to do better) and continue to try to do what you can in spite of her attitude right now. My sister went through this in the last year or 2 as well but we have never been quite as close (18 year age difference and now live on different sides of the planet) but we were trying to keep in touch despite her not having a computer and neither of us being able to afford to call often at all. She, on the other hand, wanted to pretend everything was dandy which made me mad and I just couldn't bring myself to talk to her until it had been so long that I wasn't mad any more but feeling terribly guilty for not TRYING to say SOMETHING although I still could not figure out what to say under such circumstances but my mother had said that my sister had been hoping to hear from me. Finally I did call to apologize and she's been totally fine and happy to reconnect so ... obviously my sister is absolutely nothing like yours. I'm sorry you are both going through this and I am sorry I cannot be of any help :( :grouphug:

[Kathleen in VA]

Well, you didn't really ask a specific question so it is a bit difficult to discern exactly what you need advice about. I guess generally speaking, you have to look at it like this. There are only so many things in this situation you can control so those are the things you need to concentrate on. You cannot control the past, so you need to forgive yourself and your sister and move on. You said you don't like the way things are with your relationship with her so I suggest calling her or, better yet, arranging a visit and apologizing for anything she thinks you have done wrong. Bring a gift - some flowers, a nice scented candle - just a little something to show you want to make up for the misunderstandings. Explain to her that this is a very stressful situation for everyone involved and that makes emotions run high. Often that means folks say things they regret later. Give her some grace. Hopefully, she'll do the same for you, but remember you cannot control that part.

 

My mom died of cancer. I had 3 small children and lived about 1 1/2 hours away. Depending on what time of day I tried to visit her I would often get stuck in horrible traffic (I-95 near Wash, D.C.) with three little ones in the car. I didn't visit as often as I wanted to and I, too, found calling difficult for the same reasons you mentioned. I always felt like I was going to wake her up or interrupt something important. It was a very stressful time for all of us. She seemed to understand my predicament, though, so that helped. I'm sorry your sister can't see your pov a little more clearly and cut you some slack.

 

Your dh and her dh have to work on their relationship apart from you. You do not control your dh's relationships. You can suggest he call, but if that is difficult for him, I'm not sure there is anything you can do.

 

Main thing is, this is a whole lot more stressful for her than it is for you and you need to be the one to constantly extend grace and forgiveness and overlook her bad behavior (lying about you on the message board, for instance). Tell her you'd love to call and see her more but it just isn't financially feasible to drive often and your childcare option fizzled out on you.

 

Also, as my mom's cancer progressed, she really did forget that I had called or visited. Her mind was affected and that affected her behavior. I suspect your sister may be feeling the effects of her illness and her medicine and that could be causing her to behave oddly and unkindly. Again, you will need to be the one to take the high road and not take things personally. Just keep doing what you can do.

 

In the end, you will know in your heart if you truly did all you could do. She may have higher expectations that are unreasonable, but you know what you truly can do and what is just not possible. You cannot live according to her expectations - you must go by your own conscience. If it does not convict you, then you can be assured that you are doing all you can. There really isn't any more you can do, no matter what others think.

 

ETA: While I was rambling on you got some great advice!

 

HtH,

Edited October 28, 2009 by Kathleen in VA

[Laurie4b]

Some of this is out of your control. You can only keep up your part of the relationship, and when you do wrong, you can apologize.

 

It's hard dealing with someone who is not straightforward and when there is some aspect of expecting people to read minds. However, since she's dealing with so much, I would be as forbearing as you possibly can with her faults.

 

I would tell your babysitting-offering friend that you can tell her heart's in the right place, but that you can see she's busy, too. I would ask how to know when she really can keep your kids and for how long and when she can't really do it. Ask her to be honest because you need her offer but you don't want to take advantage.

 

I think something practical--like getting babysitting and then driving up to do housework, laundry, etc. would be a good way to start. You know your sister best about whether a note would be best first, whether it's best to talk with her face-to-face, or whether to just pretend it didn't happen. I wouldn't normally be inclined to the latter, but given her circumstances, I would do it if that's the best way to reconcile.

 

Something that you can do at a distance is to maintain a care calendar for her (google that online. It's a nice service. I'm pretty sure that it's free.) You can also develop an email list of her friends, etc. and offer to be the communications person and send up email updates.

 

She's probably mad at the cancer, and you're the proxy for that.

 

As an aside, I hope that everyone on this message board will take a lesson about being careful in recommending people cut off relationships. We don't always have both sides of the story.

[tex-mex]

bump. . .desperately needing advice!

 

Sounds like you have done all you can reasonably do... was she expecting you to DROP everything and rush to your side? I don't know.

 

OTOH, hubby had stage III malignant melanoma back in 1996. They chose to delay amputating his arm and do some aggressive surgery. It worked. Quite an ordeal for a young married couple with a 1 year old baby. Hubby was at home taking care of our baby while I worked as a schoolteacher. One thing that hurt us deeply was his family NEVER bothered to make a visit -- ever. It was a slap in the face to him. They lived 2 hours away.

 

However, we did have many co-workers, church friends, neighbors help us with free childcare, meals, and stuff like mowing our lawn weekly. It took years for us to speak with in-laws over their "behavior" to their son. We loved them and visited them. We never cut off relationship. Finally, 10 years later... they apologized. (But they are a diff story... LOL)

 

Ironically, this past Spring/Summer 2009, MIL ended up with Stage III melanoma on her ear and had part of it amputated. Hubby was there (900+ mile drive) in a heartbeat. He cared for her and drove her to and from the hospital for a period of 4 weeks. I stayed out of it -- but later we talked and she admitted the guilt she felt for not being there for us when son needed her most. People do dumb things... and you can never figure it out? Again, I had to forgive her after that conversation. Fortunately, the lymph nodes came back benign and no permanent (nerve) damage was done to her face. We were worried the surgery would leave her face partially paralyzed.

 

After what we experienced with family (my side was never in the pic -- and I am used to being an "orphan".) it sounds like you made a great effort. Sis sounds like she is being a bit hypersensitive? Stress? Forgive her actions -- years from now, hopefully it will be healed. We had to turn the other cheek and not use our in-laws lack of empathy as ammunition (tho' it was tempting) and be the better person. Forgiveness is hard.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

Edited October 28, 2009 by tex-mex

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

My best friend was diagnosed with breast cancer about a year and a half ago. She went through surgeries and chemo and I was there for her through all of it. I even shaved my head when she lost her hair. It is an extremely stressful time for everyone involved. She was bitter and emotional about everything and everyone. She said some hurtful things to me, mostly about my not understanding because I hadn't gone through it, which was true, but still hurtful. I miraculously did not say some of the things I was thinking at the time, but I did say some stuff to her about her treatment of her husband during that time, and she did not take it well. (She had been ignoring him, his feelings, and even exaggerating how horrible he was being). Eventually, things blew up with her husband, and they almost divorced, but they are working things out. My point is, that with emotions running so high, and energy running so low, everything seems more horrible and more serious than it actually is for you and your sister right now. I'm sure in her heart of hearts, she understands that you cannot be there as often as she would have liked, and that she knows you have been supportive of her. I hope and pray for you, that when she feels like her life is getting somewhat back to normal, she will apologize to you and you will reconcile and get back to being the close sisters that you are.

[vkay]

:grouphug:

 

I'm so sorry to hear that your sister has cancer. My mother had cancer and went through a lot - just like they all do. She treated some family members just as you describe your sister treating you. It was unfair, not justified, and I really don't actually understand the

'WHY" she did it. All I can come up with is that with all of the pain, meds, treatments, fear...etc, maybe it just messes with your head a bit - you know? It's not what's really in their heart. I would try to let that roll off your back and continue to do whatever you can for her.

 

I know that when some people are hard to reach or are hardening their hearts, it can help to write her an old fashioned letter and send it. I'd let her know that you are sorry that she feels like you have let her down in someway, but then I'd just focus the letter on how much you love her, what she means to you, and how you really want to be there for her in the future. That sort of thing. Sometimes seeing it in writing helps get the message across. Maybe that would help to reach her again.

[TravelingChris]

:iagree: so much with so many of the previous posters. Part of it is her anger at the cancer, part of it probably is the chemo or the cancer affecting her thinking or memory. As Kathleen said, just be as gracious and forgiving as you can be. Her life is so out of control and she is grasping to control anything she can. At times, it is in the completely wrong way. :grouphug:

[momtoboys]

Thanks so much. . .I am just struggling so much with the whole situation and what to do.

 

I just arranged for childcare in the afternoons for two of the days when she needed it the most. I hope that helps. I'm trying to do what I can.

 

I just am so frustrated.

[stripe]

Maybe you could arrange to go for a weekend trip to stay with her once or twice a month and help her out by cleaning her house, cooking up food for her freezer, and having a longer, chattier visit, and bring your kids with you. I'd ask her what she would find most useful.

[Harriet Vane]

Something similar happened to me.

 

A dear friend told me of a very, very serious struggle in her life and her marriage. It truly was a once-in-a-lifetime awful, horrible struggle.

 

At the time that she told me, I was already facing the hardest journey I have walked as an adult. My aunt (we were raised as sisters and were very close) was diagnosed with a brain tumor. Surgery left her badly brain damaged. She has spent the last five years dying slowly. We have watched her personality and her body shrivel as she suffers and prays for death. Literally. She has five children under the age of twelve--I am committed to standing in their mother's place as much as I am able. This would be complicated in the best of circumstances, but is made much more so by the unique, difficult dynamics of my exceedingly dysfunctional, unhappy relatives. This truly is the hardest path I have walked as an adult.

 

I tried to be there for my friend in her struggle. I truly did. I offered to babysit her children to help her out. I phoned her. We talked.

 

Two years ago my friend erupted in rage at me. She spent a YEAR barraging me with angry, angry emails about how I had abandoned her. She said some awful, awful things to me. Every email brought new accusations, and some of them were really bizarre.

 

Her accusations were absolutely untrue. Like your sister, she says I didn't call. I did. She says I never offered help. Not true--I offered a lot of help and was often turned down.

 

I apologized for what I could--I knew of my friend's struggle and apologized that I was not able to support her in the way she truly needed. It was never enough. None of my apologies have been accepted, and none of my explanations about my own struggles have been accepted. She's just angry, and nothing I can do will change that. Unfortunately, she has chosen to verbally abuse me so thoroughly (and trust me, I do not use the word abuse lightly) that I cannot imagine ever being friends again. It has been terribly, terribly painful to lose my dearest friend like this. I shed many tears over this.

 

Stop apologizing to your sister. You have extended grace and you have apologized with a loving heart. It's a good idea to continue loving her through this, extending her grace through this fight for her life, but do not entertain any more of this anger from her. When she speaks in this way, do not enter the drama. Just pick one easy sentence to say, and repeat, and disengage until the next time. Something like, "Sister, I love you very much and pray every day for your health. I'll call in a day or two and see how you're feeling then."

[momtoboys]

Thank you. I really do want to help her all I can. I feel extremely guilty that I can't do more. In fact, I almost feel guilty that we had to move, and if I were still there, I could help out more. I feel like apologizing is the only thing I can do.

[rwjx2khsmj]

Crazy as it may seem anger is often an easier emotion to deal with than fear or helplessness. You can't fix your sister's problem, so for her, it may be easier to be mad at you than to deal with the "real" things that are going on.

 

Be as loving as you can. If you pray then pray without ceasing. Set clear boundaries for her (I can be with you two days this month, which two days would be best for you? I'll call you every other day...when would you like me to call? etc.) and for yourself.

 

So often, anger is fear in motion. Realizing that may make it easier to find compassion rather than guilt or resentment.

[kalanamak]

 

Like I said, I apologized, but she is not accepting it.

SIGH. I don't know what to do.

 

Your sister is AFRAID FOR HER LIFE. I wouldn't take any of this personally, I'd call and email and send real live letters and visit as able. If she is too tired for a call, ASK in email when she's good for a call. If she has kids, I would start sending them cards for all occasions (my sister even sends my little guy Thanksgiving cards!). I would be honest about what you can and can't do, I wouldn't mention lies or her husbands behavior, I'd mostly listen. Listen, listen listen. The boring stuff. The odd stuff.

 

:grouphug: What is that line about teenagers? Go away and stop leaving me alone.

[Impish]

You do the best you can. Its simply not feasible for you to drop your entire life to go to her side. I agree with the other poster's that say her anger at you is coming from fear, and you're a 'safe' person to be angry with.

 

Do what you can. Be with her when you can be, call, email...and pray.