Sigh... teens... help??

[BMW]

My teen likes to "negotiate" (argue with me over what I decide vs. what she wants). And when she blows it, her idea of a consequence is "just tell me what I did wrong and give me another chance".

 

I have had to take all phones into my room at night or she will receive and make calls after 9pm, even though she is told not to. At one point (I posted about it) a boy was calling up until 12:30am and waking us up!

 

We are not wanting to give her a cell phone at this time because she isn't showing a willingness to follow our rules.

 

This past weekend she was allowed to ride the city bus to a flea market and was expected to call us and check in and come home afterwards. She went to a friends house instead, no checking in, no asking. When I tried to reach her (we gave her a cell phone for the day), she had it turned off. She did call my phone twice, from a restricted number and I could not return the call. Finally, at 8:45 pm, not knowing where she was, she calls and asks if she can spend the night with the friend. We did not know these people!! NO! We went and picker her up, told her no phone, no computer time, no outtings for a while.

 

The next day she was a brat. How could we not see that she tried to stay in contact?? Why don't we just tell her what she did wrong and get over it and give her another chance... etc.

 

The next day she apologizes.

 

Today I get a call from the high school (court order from divorce has her attending public school), she was not in her last period class Friday or today. Yesterday she missed tennis matches. She is not focusing and doing what she is supposed to do.

 

My thoughts at this moment are: no phone, no internet, no activites, parental accompanyment to and from tennis activities and lessons with her being taken out of lesson or off the team for one more misbehavior... for at least a month. I am sure I will pay a price because she will be at me "negotiating" until I feel my mind has left me...

 

Any other ideas... perspectives... commisseration...??

[secular_mom]

What she did wrong: repeatedly ignored instructions, not attending classes, disregarding boundaries you have set for her.

She is getting another chance each time, another chance to earn your trust and prove that she is trustworthy and is capable of following instructions.

She needs to prove she is trustworthy with little things first, before she gets a 'chance' at something else.

JMHO

[Jean in Newcastle]

Stand firm.

 

Don't let her negotiations get her anywhere.

 

Make sure that you and dh have talked over all consequences together and make a united front.

 

Make sure that she knows what the consequences are and that there will be no negotiation. I would be inclined to say that there will be additional consequences if she tries to get out of the already established ones, but then I'm a mean mom.

 

I would allow for a time of discussion/negotiation before the activity - when you are outlining the rules. That's the time to talk about all the what-ifs and perhaps negotiate some lee-way. But until she proves that she can abide by the rules and accept the consequences if she doesn't, I wouldn't give any lee-way.

 

There is a saying we have in our house - "With freedom comes responsibility". If you can't have the responsibility of notifying parents, coming home by curfew etc. then you can't have the freedom of going out and participating in extra-curricular activities.

 

Also - while she is home cooling her heels - I would keep her plenty busy. If she's allowed to mope, there is a greater tendency to self pity and anger building up.

[gingersmom]

I would check out who she is hanging out with. What are they up to? Are the parents around?

 

If my daughter went MIA with a cell phone I would seriously lose it.

 

I would tell her no cell phone, no phone calls, no computer. No leaving the house.

[missmoe]

I'm there with you right now. This summer when my ds was suppose to volunteering at the library he was instead at a friend's house playing video games. And this wasn't the first time something like this happened. We've gone back to dropping off, picking up, and supervising him at everything. He hates it--we hate it, but hey that's the consquences of his choices. He has good weeks and then bad weeks where he sneaks computer, ect at night. So, I guess I don't have any answers except that sometimes being a parent SUCKS! But hopefully, listening to all the whining, having the same conversation over and over, and being willing to have a teenager blame me for ruining his life will pay off with a responable adult later on when he has learned about consequences in the relatively safe environment of teenage years.

[Pamela H in Texas]

Teens sometimes are pains, huh?

 

A couple things.

 

First, I would end the negotiating. You made a decision and it is fine if she doesn't like it; but she may not make you go out of your mind. I would allow her ONE opportunity to state her case or write it out. And then I would have a consequence tied to her mentioning it again. She doesn't have to be happy with things but she may not make YOU miserable.

 

Second, I would pick a time period for the restrictions. If not a time period, a set of requirements. My son had an issue and we took the computer away completely indefinitely. We told him an extreme time period but said we'd rethink if we saw behavior we were happy with. Honestly I would have rathered never to give it back in his case, but it eventually worked out.

 

Third, I wouldn't take away HEALTHY activities. In fact, I'd ADD to those. A job or volunteer work or something would likely be soemthing else I would add. The idea, imo, would be to get her following rules and contributing to society and being less egocentric.

[Tammy]

nt

[BMW]

She is about to turn 15.

 

I went to the school and she was supposed to be at the tennis courts at 3... she showed up at 3:30. The coach called out "When your mom gets done thrashing you, it's my turn!" (Figuratively speaking, of course)

 

She says she doesn't know why she missed class Friday... she doesn't remember. Then she says her leg was hurting, so she was walking home today... instead of going to class. I ask her why she didn't get a pass to walk home... does she not know that it's not allowed to leave campus without a pass? She says she didn't want to call me because she would disturb me. Oh, please! It's over 100 degrees and her leg hurts and she is going to walk 2 miles home and 2 miles back and then PLAY TENNIS??? Yeah, right... and the pigs flying around today are beautiful!

 

I let her know that she would have no phone priviledges, no computer time and no actvities/friend time (she will continue tennis) until mid. Oct. (That covers fall break... we have a stupid school schedule and students get out for two weeks at the end of the month... she will not be allowed to socialize or "go out" during break). And I am going out to buy a new phone... one on a cord because she takes the phones into her room/to bed with her! We'll stop that today...

 

Good golly...

[Denisemomof4]

I'm really sorry. :grouphug:

 

I know my friend's daughter sounds MUCH like yours, and she did everything you speak of. She acted out more when the dad was no longer present. How long have you and ex been divorced?

 

Is ex involved in discipline? Is he on board? It certainly would help.

 

If she loses the tennis privilege, I would remove ALL privileges and tell her she has to earn them back by showing she will be more responsible. And I'd give her a period of time to be grounded before she can earn anything back.

 

My oldest is my responsible, GOOD kid. Then he got his car. The first week, he saw a cute girl in bumper to bumper traffic when leaving school and he hit the truck in front of him. A TEACHER was driving that truck! Her trailer hitch put a hole in the bumper of his "dream" car. The teacher called the police, and it was then that he discovered he didn't have his registration in the car. That was week one. Week two he came home after the state imposed curfew that he and dh knew about (don't get me started on that one!) :glare: and then he also missed the curfew that dh gave him. BY 2.5 HOURS. Later that week he was caught driving with friends in the car - ILLEGAL and also something we strictly prohibit for now. So he's taking the bus to and from school on the days he's not working, and can only drive to and from school/work on the other days. He has to show us his work schedule in order to drive the car to school on work days. Outside of school and work, he's grounded for a month. He's also been told that if he's caught doing one more thing wrong with that car, the insurance will be cancelled and the car will go. PERIOD. Dh and I are ready. Another condition he keep the car? He's not allowed to be disrespectful with dh or I. (not to mention stay on top of his grades!) He's really been trying very hard and biting his tongue lately. He also knows we will NOT allow any further chances. I've told him that he's proven he's too immature and irresponsible for the car and if he does one more thing, the car is going to go.

 

BTW, 3 of the above offenses would have caused him to have his car impounded, he would have been taken into protective custody, and he would have lost his license for a period of time. He's not above the law.

 

I believe the teenage years are God's way of easing the pain of letting them go. ;)