Pre-teen/teen girls and food issues

[Ester Maria]

I bet this kind of topics existed before, but...

 

My mother called me. My daughters, 11 and 12 years old, are staying over there for the next over a month (they do so every summer, and love it).

 

Apparently, my older one has been refusing to eat quite frequently, especially dinners. And the younger one, as she tends to copy her sister but respect authorities more, not openly refusing, only eating less.

 

It's not that they have any reason for that.

My daughters are NOT overweight by any standards. If they were... Well, let me put it this way: they never could be anyway, as I would have reacted in time had I noticed such trends. At home we've always had healthy food and 'healthy' relationship with that food.

So not only they're not overweight; as a matter of fact, they even tend to weigh around the lower edge of the scale for what's normal for their age and height.

 

However... They're in Italy right now, surrounded with their friends from there. Cultural differences, blabla, let me just put it simply - there's a lot more pressure on pre-teen/teen girls to be "women-like" there than where they live during the year. A LOT more. All of it, on the whole, seems to start earlier there - food obsession included. I always had it in the back of my mind, but somehow never thought it would really come up one day.

 

So, I talked to my older one over the phone too and asked her what the heck they were doing. She told me all of their friends are keeping track of what they are eating and don't eat anything fattening and are losing weight, and she wants to be like them (while the younger daughter obviously wants to be like HER).

She seems to be, for reasons which obviously elude me, awfully impressed by the same people she was al pari with last year. What happened in one year?!

 

I really don't know how to address this with my daughters, especially given that I won't see them till mid September. I told them they really have no reason to behave the way they do, plus my mother's cuisine is just excellent.

Then the older one assured me they KNEW they had no weight issues to take care of, and that it's not the issue of a distorted image of herself. "I know I'm normal. I'm not trying to fix anything, mom. I just think that thinner is more beautiful, so I want to be not normal, but thin."

 

Now how on Earth do you react on that?

Should I just let it go, hoping it will be one of their fits, and react only if they really start losing lots of weight, or should I cut it now, before it even gets a chance of developing into an eating disorder?

 

I know they're kids and I'm probably overreacting, but they really got me worried. My mother said she would not force anything, but she would keep an eye on them both. She also reminded me on my own such phases and told me not to worry too much. Still, I'm worried.

 

Those of you who had similar issues with your pre-teen/teen daughters, how did you handle that? I'd love to hear some experiences, as I've no idea what to do and how to approach them.

[mooooom]

You can't force feed them - they are too old for that, and making any kind of deal out of it would lead to trouble. I think ignoring it and just serving healthy foods would be the appropriate response. There are an awful lot of people out there who don't eat "fattening foods", that in and of itself is actually a pretty healthy way to eat (unless they take the interpretation too far). Chances are they will get tired of it pretty quickly if you ignore it. It sounds to me like your mom will be able to handle it just fine.

[Melissa in Australia]

I haven't any teen girls ( only boys and CAN they eat!). but I remember being a teen,. I regularly skipped meals, in fact I think I only ate dinner 4 times a week, regularly skipped lunch, and breakfast .

I sometimes think if I ate more like when I was a teen. I would be alot thinner

[secular_mom]

Um, can *I* go stay with your mom in Italy? I'll eat what your girls don't eat. :D

[gingersmom]

I would tell them if you don't start eating then they are coming home.

 

I have a 12 year old who over the years has had borderline eating issues.

 

She is naturally skinny (and at the lower end of the charts for her age/height) so when she stops eating it can put her on the verge of being underweight.

 

When she was 8 and broke her elbow she literally barely ate for one month (despite me bringing her McDonalds, Haagen Dazs, etc). I won't even tell you what she weighed when the whole awful ordeal was over. The doctor was shocked.

 

I would tell them you don't care if they eat vegetables for every meal but that they must eat.

 

My daughter was on the verge of fainting more than once due to lack of food.

 

And I would definitely sit down and have a long talk with them when they get home.

[Luanne]

I would tell them if you don't start eating then they are coming home.

 

I have a 12 year old who over the years has had borderline eating issues.

 

She is naturally skinny (and at the lower end of the charts for her age/height) so when she stops eating it can put her on the verge of being underweight.

 

When she was 8 and broke her elbow she literally barely ate for one month (despite me bringing her McDonalds, Haagen Dazs, etc). I won't even tell you what she weighed when the whole awful ordeal was over. The doctor was shocked.

 

I would tell them you don't care if they eat vegetables for every meal but that they must eat.

 

My daughter was on the verge of fainting more than once due to lack of food.

 

And I would definitely sit down and have a long talk with them when they get home.

 

:iagree:

[Cindy in C-ville]

I think you're their mom and you 're going to need to assess how serious it really is. Only you can determine if basically not making a big deal out of it with the likelihood of it just going away when they come home is the best option, or really confronting it. It's really hard to know whether this is an eating disorder in the making, or simply a passing thing that will just fade when they come back home. I tend to think that not making a big deal out of, but encourage your mom to have veggies/fruit ALWAYS available. Your daughters will probably be more attracted to typical 'diet' food in the midst of this - so lots of salads with nuts and other nutrient dense stuff. She may not understand the calorie content of dressings, so maybe having some good dressings with the salads as well. I'm guessing she won't eat cheese and bread, but maybe granola which really is high in calories, but many young girls will see as 'diet' food. Perhaps you could even show an interest in her interest in nutrition and have her send you her "food diary" for you to peruse.

 

If your mother's instinct tells you that they are in danger, then bring them home. But then you really are entering into a much bigger deal that will likely be consuming. They'll begin to take on an identity as 'borderline anorexic' or whatever that could feed what may just be passing at this time. If they take on this identity, it will be a lot harder to work them out of it. YEARS ago, I did an internship with the adolescent psych ward at Boston Children's Hospital (Judge Baker) and my worst experiences were with the girls with eating disorders. They had learned the system, knew just how to get their weight up to where they could be discharged, but within a week or two were back in.

 

You'll need to discern if it's just the impact of the culture in which they're now immersed, but won't be for too long, if they are stressed and looking for a means to control their world, if it's self-esteem and they don't have a solid understanding of the importance of cultivating inner beauty, if it's really wanting to learn about nutrition and how to be healthy and beautiful, or if it's something else.

 

I think your mom will need some encouragement too, as it could be pretty scary for her, or at least irritating when the girls aren't eating the food she's preparing.

 

I also worked at a girls' camp for years with adolescents. Each year we would have one or two girls we would need to send home b/c they had unhealthy relationships with food and camp was just not a safe place for them. One thought with that is that if your mom is willing to be the "bad guy," she could be the one to say, "Look, if you're not going to eat, then you'll have to go home." That way, the relationship piece doesn't follow the girls home and then you can observe how "real" the issue is. You could also ask your mom to sit with them and ask them what food they'd like for her to have in the house.

 

Sorry these are random thoughts, but it may be worth asking your older daughter, "How thin is beautiful?" Get her to send you some links of google images. Then you can see if she is going for scary thin, or just thinner than many of the girls today.

 

Do the girls exercise? Has this pattern changed since they've been over there?

 

Another thought would be to do a fun nutrition/exercise/health unit study next year and engage them in the process. Research the growing epidemic of obesity in children. Look at the relationship between tv/computer time and extra pounds. Explore what it means to be healthy thin vs. skinny fat - looking at bone structure, exercise, etc.

 

I would think to be proactive, but not over-the-top would be a good strategy, but you, as their mom, have more insight.

 

One more thought - if it progresses in scary ways, I'd probably fly over and see rather than just bring them home.

 

Keep us updated!

[johnandtinagilbert]

I think you're their mom and you 're going to need to assess how serious it really is. Only you can determine if basically not making a big deal out of it with the likelihood of it just going away when they come home is the best option, or really confronting it. It's really hard to know whether this is an eating disorder in the making, or simply a passing thing that will just fade when they come back home. I tend to think that not making a big deal out of, but encourage your mom to have veggies/fruit ALWAYS available. Your daughters will probably be more attracted to typical 'diet' food in the midst of this - so lots of salads with nuts and other nutrient dense stuff. She may not understand the calorie content of dressings, so maybe having some good dressings with the salads as well. I'm guessing she won't eat cheese and bread, but maybe granola which really is high in calories, but many young girls will see as 'diet' food. Perhaps you could even show an interest in her interest in nutrition and have her send you her "food diary" for you to peruse.

 

If your mother's instinct tells you that they are in danger, then bring them home. But then you really are entering into a much bigger deal that will likely be consuming. They'll begin to take on an identity as 'borderline anorexic' or whatever that could feed what may just be passing at this time. If they take on this identity, it will be a lot harder to work them out of it. YEARS ago, I did an internship with the adolescent psych ward at Boston Children's Hospital (Judge Baker) and my worst experiences were with the girls with eating disorders. They had learned the system, knew just how to get their weight up to where they could be discharged, but within a week or two were back in.

 

You'll need to discern if it's just the impact of the culture in which they're now immersed, but won't be for too long, if they are stressed and looking for a means to control their world, if it's self-esteem and they don't have a solid understanding of the importance of cultivating inner beauty, if it's really wanting to learn about nutrition and how to be healthy and beautiful, or if it's something else.

 

I think your mom will need some encouragement too, as it could be pretty scary for her, or at least irritating when the girls aren't eating the food she's preparing.

 

I also worked at a girls' camp for years with adolescents. Each year we would have one or two girls we would need to send home b/c they had unhealthy relationships with food and camp was just not a safe place for them. One thought with that is that if your mom is willing to be the "bad guy," she could be the one to say, "Look, if you're not going to eat, then you'll have to go home." That way, the relationship piece doesn't follow the girls home and then you can observe how "real" the issue is. You could also ask your mom to sit with them and ask them what food they'd like for her to have in the house.

 

Sorry these are random thoughts, but it may be worth asking your older daughter, "How thin is beautiful?" Get her to send you some links of google images. Then you can see if she is going for scary thin, or just thinner than many of the girls today.

 

Do the girls exercise? Has this pattern changed since they've been over there?

 

Another thought would be to do a fun nutrition/exercise/health unit study next year and engage them in the process. Research the growing epidemic of obesity in children. Look at the relationship between tv/computer time and extra pounds. Explore what it means to be healthy thin vs. skinny fat - looking at bone structure, exercise, etc.

 

I would think to be proactive, but not over-the-top would be a good strategy, but you, as their mom, have more insight.

 

One more thought - if it progresses in scary ways, I'd probably fly over and see rather than just bring them home.

 

Keep us updated!

Excellent post. I might add a "you must east some fresh veggies at every meal. This will keep you thin and strong."

 

And I need to add her statement about no self image issues, but still wanting to be thinner to be beautiful is kinda contradictory.

 

I'm also a bit protective and would not allow the solo visits again...particularly if the problem comes home.

 

:grouphug: I'm sure this is hard, especially being far away. Best wishes.

[Ester Maria]

Thank you everyone for your advices and warm words. :grouphug:

 

They'll begin to take on an identity as 'borderline anorexic' or whatever that could feed what may just be passing at this time.

Excellent point. I haven't thought of that, but it makes a lot of sense - if I make a big deal out of now, when it might not be a big deal at all, it might become a big deal as a psychological reaction. Thanks for bringing this up.

 

You'll need to discern if it's just the impact of the culture in which they're now immersed, but won't be for too long, if they are stressed and looking for a means to control their world, if it's self-esteem and they don't have a solid understanding of the importance of cultivating inner beauty, if it's really wanting to learn about nutrition and how to be healthy and beautiful, or if it's something else.

You see, that's what's really interesting.

 

It can't be any kind of "culture shock". They're both born Italians, and spent first few years of their lives in Italy. We moved because of the nature of DH's job and we always thought it would be "temporary" - and it was supposed to be. The girls were raised in the mindset in which Italy is "their country", and the US is their "host country". I had them have heavy contact with Italy all the time - they went there a few times a year, and when we started school, in addition to that, I'd send them there for the entire summer, and I'd even have them attend school, informally, a little there with their peers; at home, I homeschooled them with the Italian curriculum (with some additions, of course - why not use the privilege of knowing another language and culture, learning some things bilingually, etc; as well as the additions that were culturally important for us) as the atmosphere of the early years of their schooling was "soon we're going back", and they also do the formal part (exams, etc.) in Italy, in what they consider "their school".

 

So basically, it's not that now they came first time in contact with anything - they grew up sort of "split" between two worlds (actually three, as there's a whole another element of us actually being Italian Jews, i.e. a minority even in what is "our country", and of them having a similar, though a lot simpler, relationship with Israel and a part of DH's family there).

That's what surprises me. They're just like cameleons. In the US, they behave totally US-like, according to all the expectations for children of their age, with all the concerns their peers have - just with different educational background. But they're basically US kids, and I mean it in a good way. For a long time I really thought they took "the best of both worlds", but obviously now as they're growing up they're starting to pick up the some of the bad stuff too, from both cultures they're exposed to.

 

So they come to Rome, get to watch awful Italian TV which I really limit at home (to put it bluntly - it has what I consider a very unhealthy attitude towards female body; don't even make me go into a rant of how in many shows they have women and girls being there "as fashion accessories" regardless of what's discussed, etc.) - and even though my mother limits too, they do sleepovers at their friends whose parents don't (most of their friends have TVs in their bedrooms and can watch it as much as they please - none of which I'd allow), etc.; they just get to inhale the beauty-obsessed spirit of the society on the whole. It's not just food - it's also the way one dresses, the way one arranges things, everything. We're a design-obsessed nation. Our real mastery, as a nation, is not in the functionality of a product - but in its design. And that's seen in every pore of the society.

So they just react on that. They start adapting. Their preoccupations change. And, probably in an attempt to really adapt, they overreact when they spend greater portions of time there.

but it may be worth asking your older daughter, "How thin is beautiful?" Get her to send you some links of google images. Then you can see if she is going for scary thin, or just thinner than many of the girls today.

I did that, just when I read this suggestion - thanks, since it calmed me down a little. :) She sent me images of models, but nothing even close to "thinspiration" nonsense I was fearing she'd send. Yeah, those are thin girls whose pictures she sent me - not average, but thin - but still not dangerously thin. Quite ballerina-like, actually, but still not on the dangerous verge.

 

Rationally speaking, she could lose 4-5 kilograms and become thin without affecting her health, but what I'm worried about is that if I allow that, she'll raise her bar, and want to lose another 5, and another and then she'll end up in hospital, because her body won't stand that - she's already at the lower end of the scale. I just can't know if it really will stop when she becomes "gracefully thin", or she'll get hooked up. That's why I'm worried. :(

Do the girls exercise? Has this pattern changed since they've been over there?

They do, but since none of them is really into sports, it's more pro forma - they're always enrolled in some kind of activity at home (and that changes all the time, they like to experiment with that), but right now they don't do anything "formally" there, they're just active as in being out most of the day, going to pools (or the seaside, when they take them on trips), rollerskating, stuff like that.

 

I would think to be proactive, but not over-the-top would be a good strategy, but you, as their mom, have more insight.

That's what I decided I'd do. I won't make a fuss out of it now, but will subtly implement some stuff in their science classes next year, and my mother told me (we spoke again today) she does keep an eye on them and will inform me if they go past the line. So far they've been doing it "the smart way" (cutting on junk, and not fruit/vegetables; skipping dinners and not breakfasts, etc.), but I really don't want it to get out of control even if they pursue goals which aren't sick.

 

Thanks everyone once again. :grouphug: I'll post updates on this. I trust my mother, she dealt with me nicely when I had same issues, and it didn't get out of control, so I kind of have faith that it won't go with my daughters either. I feel that she'll become a "bad cop" in time if it gets wild.

[Starr]

When they come home just make their favorite foods. :)