Does anyone else have a child who dilly-dallies alot?

[runningirl71]

I have a 10 y/o dd who seems to be having a problem with dilly dallying. She has always been "slow" in getting work done. She is doing 4th/5th grade work and I have never "pushed" her with her school work. My parents put me up a grade when I was in school and I always felt like I was a little behind in getting concepts when I was a child. So, I've decided to let dd go at her own pace. But, her own pace is way too slow for me! She wants to sleep in every morning, laying in bed for 20 minutes before getting up. Then she slowly eats, slowly gets dressed, slowly does her chores, and then slowly gets her work done. She wants to take long breaks after just one subject! Today she took a half hour filling out an experiment page that should have taken 5/10 minutes. I see her daydreaming and losing her focus a lot. When I was reading books to her little sister, she got out a "fun" book that is way below her level-a Berenstein Bear book to be exact-and started to read it. I told her to put it away and get out her history reading, but she continued to read that book for 20 minutes! I was putting my toddler to bed for a nap at the time.

 

I know we have very different personalities. I'm a go go person, she isn't. She doesn't like to be rushed for anything.

 

How do I get her to be motivated? I don't want her doing work just to get it done. We've had all the familiar talks about doing her best at whatever she does, that her focus right now in her life is studying and learning. But, I feel like she just wants to play all day!

 

Any practical advice? Anyone else been through this?

 

Angie

[Mrs. H.]

When you told her to put the book away, she took 20 min. to do it, choosing instead to read the book you told her to put away? That's willful disobedience around here, punishable by whatever means I choose to discipline (loss of priveleges, going to bed early, extra chores, etc.).

 

Timers can be helpful tools, especially when doing school work. If your dd has 20 min. to complete an experiment page, and she fully understands the assignment, set the timer, explain the consequences, and walk away. When the timer goes off, the page is removed, finished or not, and you move on to another subject. She can finish her unfinished work during her "break time" between subjects, before her next meal (no lunch until your math is done is a huge motivator around here), or at the end of the day or in the evening when everyone else is doing fun stuff like playing outside or watching a movie.

 

The timer can be used for everything, from chores, break time, screen time, etc. as a motivator to help her "see" how long 15 min. really is. Sometimes kids have a different perception of time than adults.

[runningirl71]

No, I wouldn't say it is a discipline issue. I would say that I'm on the more stricter side with my kids. Yes, I've tried the timer. Yes, I've taken away priveleges. Our kids get to be on the computer twice a week, half hour each time. That's usually the first thing to go. She also knows that she has to get her alloted work done, even if it takes her into the night. The thing is, I don't want her to take all the way into the night to do it! She has had to miss out going places, being with friends, etc in the past. I guess I was wondering if this is more of a personality issue. Since I'm more "by the book" and "let's get it done and move on" type person, I want her work done in the time I would get it done. I want her to be herself, just wondering where the balance lies.

[Jennifer in NH]

I have no advice, just thought I'd chime in because my dd7 is the same way! Most of the time I really don't mind...sometimes, I just want to scream, "Finish already!":D I only scream that in my head though....I tend to not give her too many breaks because getting her back to school work is like pulling teeth!:(

[Scarlett]

No, I wouldn't say it is a discipline issue. I would say that I'm on the more stricter side with my kids. Yes, I've tried the timer. Yes, I've taken away priveleges. Our kids get to be on the computer twice a week, half hour each time. That's usually the first thing to go. She also knows that she has to get her alloted work done, even if it takes her into the night. The thing is, I don't want her to take all the way into the night to do it! She has had to miss out going places, being with friends, etc in the past. I guess I was wondering if this is more of a personality issue. Since I'm more "by the book" and "let's get it done and move on" type person, I want her work done in the time I would get it done. I want her to be herself, just wondering where the balance lies.

 

Just off the top of my head, I would say she might be manipulating you a bit. She knows you want it done quicker, but continues to fool around all day. I would definitely gently start enforcing time limits with her. It may be more her personality to do things slowly, but she lives in a family where things can't always go at her pace.

[fishnoises]

My 6 yo dd is on her own planet!!! Her name is Lilly and we say that she is in Lillyland (instead of lalaland).

Someone posted a site for highly distracted people: here it is

www.sizzlebop.com

 

I was thinking that she was being slow as an act of defiance or disobediance, but I really think she has her own sense of time. She is always the last one out the door! But my son is always the last to get his work done.

We don't do a lot of breaks either! The kids need specific , simple instruction and they need to repeat to you what you just asked them to do. They may even need a picture drawn if they are visually distracted!

(Like a picture of shoes to remind them why they went upstairs in the first place...to get shoes on....)

[runningirl71]

Yes, I guess she is easily distracted! She's my sweet, compliant middle child. I don't think she is trying to be defiant, that's her older brother! And when I try and hurry her up, she gets all flustered and stressed. Timed speed drills in math is a real struggle! She seems to be in her own world too. I guess I'm getting frustrated b/c she is 10, not 6. I thought she could be independent enough to do things with a few instructions w/o me hovering over her. But, maybe she isn't ready for that yet?

[Jean in Newcastle]

I think this is one of those things that you need to work on proactively instead of waiting for them to be "ready". I do have a child like this, so I can empathize and sympathize! But I do require him to work at a quicker pace than he often would choose on his own. My ds10 is allowed to read in bed in the mornings - he needs a gentle way of orienting himself to the world. But I have established a "get up time" for him. At that time he is required to put away the book, get up, get dressed and make his bed. He has 15 min. to do this process. I've timed the process: he could do it much more quickly. 15 min. is a pace that allows him to slowly accomplish the task - but it doesn't leave time for picking up the book again, or daydreaming, or at least very much time for that.

 

When I first started enforcing this (when he was about 7) I sat down with him and explained that whether we like it or not, the modern world does live by the clock. We need to be able to do certain tasks quickly and efficiently. In return, I will allow other "free" times when he will be allowed to do whatever he wants and can get as much or as little as he wants done - and he can sit and dream as much as he wants. ***When it is one of the "get it done" times he is required to be constantly engaged in the activity.*** I would stand by to make sure that he did not "check out" mentally. Now I poke my head in periodically and remind him to get back on task if I need to. Our main times when I enforce this are: our wake up time, meals (he must pick up a eating utensil and be actively engaged in eating at mealtime), after breakfast chores, school (which has some free times built into our schedule), and "get out the door" times.

 

It is not fun to have to enforce this and his dawdling is often passive-aggressive in nature. But he has gotten much better on this and I can see the benefit (both now and in the future) for getting this concept down. Good luck!

[Whisperlily]

Yes, I guess she is easily distracted! She's my sweet, compliant middle child. I don't think she is trying to be defiant, that's her older brother! And when I try and hurry her up, she gets all flustered and stressed. Timed speed drills in math is a real struggle! She seems to be in her own world too. I guess I'm getting frustrated b/c she is 10, not 6. I thought she could be independent enough to do things with a few instructions w/o me hovering over her. But, maybe she isn't ready for that yet?

 

This is my ADHD child. :) He never means to get distracted, he's not defiant. Being rushed is stressful and always makes him lose track of what he's doing so it takes even longer. Oh, and time drills? Such a struggle!

 

I'm not saying your child has ADHD, but if you look up some strategies on how to help ADHD kids, you might find that they are helpful with dilly-dally kids as well. :)

[HSMom2One]

I don't have any advice either, but I wanted to add that I, too, have a little girl that dawdles, daydreams puts things off. She is very bright, creative and talented, but most often runs on a very slow clock - except when something is HER idea. :D I am at a loss on how to get her to step up a bit and work faster, as I know in my heart that she is capable. We've tried all kinds of things, mostly to no avail.

 

Please keep the conversation going, as I need ideas too.

 

Blessings,

Lucinda

[Wendy in ME]

No advice here either but ds9 is my day dreamer. We go head to head all the time. We both get so frustrated with each other that I just have to take a step back and count to ten every once in a while.

[runningirl71]

Thanks so much for all the great responses! I have lots to meditate on. I guess what it comes down to is me keeping her accountable, but doing it in a gentle way. I talked with her tonight and explained that she'll be timed to keep her moving tomorrow morning with getting up. I need to be more proactive in helping her focus! I feel very encouraged and am glad to hear I'm not alone in dealing with this!

 

angie

[melissel]

I have one of these too. I thought for a long time that the problem must be me--that this is just how little kids are, and that I'd have to get used to it. Then I had my second, and turns out they're like night and day, LOL! We are always the last ones to leave any activity, always rushing out the door, I'm constantly reminding and reminding and reminding her of what she's supposed to be doing...sheesh! Someone here recommended a book called Strong-Willed Child or Dreamer? I haven't read it yet, but from reading the description on Amazon, it sounds like it might be insightful. My library doesn't have it, so I'm debating whether to buy it or not!

 

I'm taking notes here too, LOL!

[Gamom3]

She just turned 10. She is in her own little world and what really matters to her, comes first.

Her chores and lessons take her FOREVER! Chores, she will go off doing something that is not listed on the chore card! I have not figured this one out yet, then she gets upset when I say something to her.

 

I do take things away..computer, outside time, and TV. She is heartbroken and cries about it, but then she is ok. It doesn't help her speed up any!

 

I agree at this age I think they should be a little more independent. I sit with the kids during their lesson(seems like ALL day!). I do not do much around the house, like I think I should be able to..at least 15 to 20mins at a time.

 

I tell her, next year and every year after that will get a bit harder and her daydreaming is going to make it worse!

 

Sometimes I wonder how she would handle PS...There is absolutely no way she could handle it...thank goodness she is homeschooled!